"Saying" I Love You

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you."

John 15:9

    A few weeks ago, I found a quotation that told me that "I love you" doesn't always come in those words. It said, "There's a million different ways to say 'I love you' : 'put your seatbelt on,' 'watch your step,' 'get some rest.' You just have to listen." It really hit my heart hard because of how much I search for love. I never love with the expectation to be loved in return, but there is a desire and a need to be loved by at least one other person. Most times I am perfectly okay being the independent person I am, but there are times when I truly need to feel love. For example when I am upset about something or when I am having trouble loving myself. I never say anything because I expect someone, anyone, to pick up on my cues and love me. When I saw the quotation, I thought that suddenly I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Yesterday, I remembered the quotation and decided that I needed to write about it simply because I needed love.

     Yesterday, I was at a funeral for a dear friend of mine, Sister Barbara. My motto for the day: "Once a portress girl, always a portress girl. And we portress girls never leave each other." Sister Barbara was one of the many beautiful sisters who worked Portress with me. Often we would be on the same day and she would relieve me for lunch or I would relieve her for prayers. We became close over the two years she lived at the Motherhouse. After she moved to Camilla, I would visit her when I would do my rounds. She was a beautiful example of religious life. When I heard, abruptly during morning prayers, that she had passed away, I gave a very audible sound of shock. I couldn't believe it. But death comes when we least expect it and after I prayed about it, peace overcame my soul. 

     At the viewing before the funeral, I was standing with Sister Mary Angela, another dear friend of mine. We were talking about the realities of life and how as we get older we learn to be gentler and simpler, just as Sister Barbara was. During the entire conversation, Sister Mary Angela held my little hand in hers, I think more for her sake than for mine. After saying goodbye to Sister Barbara, I went to sit in Chapel for a while. I was praying that at some point some Sister that I knew would take the seat next to me so that when I would cry later, I wouldn't be too embarrassed. Right before Mass started, Sister Mary Angela slid in next to me. I smiled, thanking God for the gift of her presence in my life. At the end of Mass, as Sister sung the recessional hymn, "On Eagle's Wings" (you'd think that after the amount of funerals I have been to, I'd be numb to this song by now), I saw a tear slide down Sister Mary Angela's cheek. Of course, I had my own set of tears sliding down my face. That's when I slid my hand on top of hers and we held hands as we cried together, mourning the loss of our friend. 

      As the people followed the procession out the back door and to the cemetery, I snuck out the back because I had to get to class. Tears were still falling down my face when Sister Margaret turned to hug me. Sister Margaret is a very tall, beautiful woman of God, who could literally engulf me in her arms and smother me with love. She did just that. That's when I really let the tears fall down my face. She held me and rocked me gently back and forth telling me that Sister Barbara was now my personal saint in Heaven...and that it was okay to cry. 

      Later in the afternoon, after I had gone to class and slept off a bit of the emotional fatigue after, I was walking with two of my best friends to class when I saw Sister Agnes walking down  the hall. Sister Agnes gives some of the best hugs: she holds you so tight, there's no doubting she loves you. I walked right up to her with open arms and hugged her while telling her that she had no idea how much I needed a hug from her. Right after, Sister Jo came out of her office to jokingly say that there was too much hugging in the hallway. I laughed and said, "No such thing, Sister. Do you want a hug?" I may be the only person with the audacity to go up to nuns and hug them while yelling about how much I love them. They probably all want to hide their faces out of embarrassment. 

     I found myself laughing because I know love by touch. I hug and I hug a lot. On any given night at work in the Motherhouse, I can give anywhere from five to forty-eight hugs. When I need a cry, I need a hug. But actually, I need someone to physically hold me in a hug until I am done crying. When I'm upset, I need someone to hold my hand in a gentle way. When I need love, I search for it in hugs, hand holding and forehead kisses. I am a child in that sense that needs to know the physical love. My family is not really this way though. So maybe I search for hugs and hand holding because my family was more of a I'll tell you I love you, not show you. And that's okay. 

     This morning at Mass, I was overcome with tears while the Sisters sang "My Soul Doth Glory." I tried to hide the fact that I was crying, but Sister Cathy realized it. After Mass, she said, "God will reach down and hold your hand many times today." She didn't hug me as the tears were streaming down my face or even reach out to hold my hand. Maybe I needed a snuggle hug like Sister Margaret gave me yesterday, but Sister Cathy gave me the words. There was no doubt in my mind, however, that she cared because her words told me that she cared and I needed comfort. 

      That's when I began to reflect on the quotation I had found a few weeks ago about love showing up in different places. In all the instances I have just described there was a different action happening, but there was a common theme: love. Regardless of whether it was a hug, a hand holding or comforting words, I was being shown love and care. None of the people with whom I was sharing the gift of love said the words "I love you," not even myself. Yet, we knew there was an exchange of love and care. That's when I suddenly thought of Jesus in the Bible. Did He ever say "I love you?"

     Well, I googled it. Jesus never actually says the phrase, "I love you," in the Bible. He says variations of it like, "As I have loved you..." or "I will love you" but never that phrase. However, we know that Jesus loves us, right? God is love and where God is, there is love. God so loved the world that He gave His only Son. Jesus, out of love for us, bowed His head and died. It's clear in the Scriptures that Jesus loves us, but He shows us through His actions, through His words, through His touch. We never read about Jesus telling anyone outrightly that He loves them. But, every time I partake in an exchange of love with someone, I know that Jesus is there, and that Jesus loves me just the same. 

      I went back to the quotation again. We are shown love in so many ways, we are even told in so many different ways, but if it's not the way we expect or the way we desire, we do not believe we are loved. I can't tell you how many times I have questioned where I stand in relation to someone. Often I feel like I love others way more than they love me, which I am totally okay with. We should not love so as to be loved in return, but rather we love because we love. The love in return comes from the other person doing the same: loving just because they love. Love is a finicky emotion and people often misconstrue things that do not mean love as love and love as something other than love. But the truth of the matter is, love comes in all shapes and sizes. It can come in phrases like, "take care of yourself," "eat a good breakfast," "give yourself some time," "thank you," etc. It can come in actions like the holding of a door, a gentle pat on the back as a teacher over looks a students' work, a smile, or even silence. 

      Our society and culture today gives a distorted of what love is, especially among friends. Each of us have a view of what love should be. I always thought that love should be hugs, kisses, snuggles and hand-holding, like the actions of a grandmother to her dear grandchild (my Mommom still does this...). I always felt that I could express love best through extending a gentle hand to a suffering friend or giving a hug to someone. But as I grow older and wiser I realize that not everyone likes to get or give hugs, not everyone likes to hold hands when they are upset. I also realized that another's love for me can come in the comforting words they say or the silence (peace) they give my heart as I cry. Love, like in the Scriptures, is more often shown in actions or in different words, and we often miss these signs of love. We are not open to other expressions of love and because of this, we fail to see and believe that we are actually loved. 

      I can say this for sure, it is hard, sometimes for me to believe that I am loved. That is a recognition of my failed humanity. I know that I am not alone in this feeling. But perhaps it is more because I have a belief that love is hugs and holding hands when it could easily come in the form of words or silence. I know that Jesus loves me but He never once said, "I love you" in Scripture. So, why then, do I doubt others' love for me? It's a reflection that I often have and felt the need to share today. I truly believe that so many people in the world doubt that even their very best friend could love them because the best friend does not love in a way the other needs or desires. I often doubt others' love for me but I am partly at fault. I cannot expect everyone to love in the way I see love. Instead, I need to be more open to the ways others show love perhaps through words or silences. 

     Of course, all of this being said, when we actually hear the words, "I love you" in that exact phrase, it should send shivers down our spines and warm our hearts, because those three words are the hardest to say and the ones that mean the most. I know I will always be one who, when I need a cry, will seek out a hug, but I must, too, understand that the hug may not come because the comforting and reassuring words will come instead. I cannot fail to see that not only am I actually loved but also that I am worth being loved. We must never fail to believe that and trust me, if you think it's hard, take it from the girl who wakes up every morning and looks herself in the mirror to tell herself that she is loved. She may not know who loves her, but she tells herself that she is loved by someone in this world as a gentle reminder that she is worth being loved. Jesus would agree with me when I say, you and I are worth being loved. We must open our hearts to feel the love in any way, shape or form it may come in. You are worthy of love.