New Year, New Me

"Never hesitate to let the one you love

know how you feel. Align your minds, 

synchronize your hearts, and above all be 

fearless when dancing with their souls."

- Truth Devour, "Wantin"

    In an effort to write something different than I wrote last year on New Year's Day, I read my post from last year. I ended the paragraph with saying how I didn't want to write about "New Year, New Me." Yet, before I read that old post, I had already titled this post. I had to chuckle at myself. Past me always surprises present me. So I decided to go back to my list of resolutions for 2017. I definitely ate more consciously, gained more muscle strength (and lost about 20 lbs in the process!), wrote more letters, deepened my prayer life and stressed a little less. But the one I keep coming back to is resolution #6, "Do something BIG and life changing." Hmmm...I think I did that, too. 

    I remember hiking on New Year's Day and while doing so, wondering what would be in store for me. I had desires, I had fears, I had dreams. But I knew that every day of 2017 would be a day given up to God, his will and his design. No matter what happened, I would be try to align myself with his will. In doing so, I was so pleasantly surprised at all the amazing things God granted me this year, especially a new me. From going to the March for Life again (finally after so many years), to camping with friends so many times, to leading an alum retreat with some of my new best friends, spending time being in love, being in nature and learning to be comfortable with being alone, too. I spent time remembering those who have gone before me in the this life, praying with them, and growing comfortable with the importance grief plays in life. I turned a quarter of a century old next to my bestie from High School, did my fair share of travels around the Eastern states and created so many memories. But on top of that, we got engaged, celebrated our relationship, grew closer to one another in prayer and heart and mind, GOT MARRIED on the best feast day, and closed out the year on our honeymoon. Looking back on all these memories, thinking about how I felt on January 1, 2017, I never expected any of this and yet, I am so grateful. 

     Of course, I don't want it to seem that I had no idea we were going to get engaged and married. That obviously wouldn't be healthy. But what I mean is that, in my heart I knew I wanted to marry Joe, I knew he wanted to marry me. We had been talking about it for a while. But we weren't sure if God was going to bless us with it happening this year. We prayed and hoped that the time would be right. And so many instances of answered prayers and moments of joy and happiness led us to knowing this would be the year. As I sit here watching the snow falling from our window, I can't help but think God is smiling down on us. 

     Now it's three days after the beginning of the new year. I went back to school yesterday only to be greeted with a snow day today. I can't say I'm complaining. I always say that on days like this, God is looking out for all the teachers who weren't ready to go back to school, yet. Considering we were on our honeymoon all of break, I'll be honest and say that I'm definitely that teacher today. In the middle of working on getting myself together for going back to school for real, I'm breaking to reflect on the beginning of this new year. I am sure that 2018 has big things in store for us our new family. I am thinking to the homily we heard on New Year's Eve when father suggested we consider how Mary and Joseph spent their New Year's Eve thinking of their past year. I felt like Mary in that moment, thinking back on all the amazing and yet simultaneously terrifying things that happened to me. As I looked at my Joseph, he smiled, thinking about all the the amazing adventures to come. We so whole-heartedly believe that if we continue to align our hearts with God's will, He will be sure to surprise us, perhaps even more so this year. 

    And so, we begin, a new year, a new me if only because of my new last name. I am sure that the love of my life and I will be adventuring alongside friends, family and God this year. There is no question in my mind that His surprises will be the best surprises. We may have no idea what they may turn out to be, but we are sure that prayer will be the center of our motivation this 2018. Blessings to you and yours this year. 

Freedom in God's Will

"Being free is not being able to do whatever you want.
Being free is surrendering to God's will."
- unknown

     I've been riding an emotional roller coast this past week. There isn't much detail I can go into, but my weeks have been filled with lots of time for reflection, prayer, Eucharist and visits with my Sisters. Between running back to school this week to going for walks to teaching a class of first and second graders at VBS, there may seem to be little time for reflection. However, God finds His way in my heart in every little second. God knows my heart and God speaks to me there. 

     My biggest reflection this past week has been on freedom. As Americans, we so often proclaim the word, Freedom. Freedom in so many things and while I could beg to differ that these past two weeks have offered arguments about freedom in the media, I'm not even going to talk about those things. What I would like to offer is a different definition of freedom, one that doesn't include specific rights or abilities to do something. Some may say that freedom is the ability to do whatever we want. On the contrary, freedom is abiding by certain laws. 

     One of my many good conversations this week was about the ten commandments. Many people, even Christians, feel that following the ten commandments is restrictive. Why do we have to follow these ten rules or guidelines? Some people fail to remember that other faith beliefs have many more rules and guidelines; many more than ten. In this conversation, we brought up specific driving rules of the road. When you're driving instructor, whether it's your mom, dad, older sibling, or actual driving teacher, shows you how to drive, some of the number one rules are: stop for three seconds at the stop sign and look right, left and right again, and always stop at a red light. Yes, there are times when people fly through the stop signs and even red lights. But some times when they break the rules, they either get caught by the red light cameras or cause an accident. The rules of the road are meant to protect your car, the driver and the passengers. They exist to avoid accidents and awful patterns of traffic. Sometimes, I find myself in intersections without lights saying, I wish there was a light here. These rules of the road are important and must be followed for everyone's safety.

       The rules and laws of the ten commandments are meant to do the same. They exist to give guidelines on how to positively live life with no incidents. Think about some of them: honor your father and mother, do not covet your neighbors' goods, do not kill, etc. When these commandments aren't followed, someone usually gets hurt whether emotionally, physically or even mentally. Kids who don't listen to their parents usually get hurt in some way. For example, when parents say don't jump off the pool ladder and the child does. The child can get seriously hurt. Stealing usually puts people in jail. As does murdering people. These are basic levels of following the commandments but you can see that even on the top layer, it can end badly. His commandments are meant to protect us. 

      The ten commandments are just meant to protect us, however, they exist to free us. In His laws we are free. We are free from so much more than we can even imagine. Freedom, I offer, is found in following His will. In the past year I have been a witness and a participant in the world. I have been a worldly woman, working a job, enjoying things of the world. I have made time for prayer, but not nearly as much as my heart desired. I have spent time out with friends, bought more dresses than I honestly need, and ate out more than I care to even admit. All of these things are good, but in moderation. However, our world doesn't preach moderation. I experienced that in the past year and I can tell you that my "worldly living" while not extreme as most of the world, definitely was a barrier to my relationship with God. I ran from Him at times, making excuses for one thing or the other. I maintained a minimal relationship with Him. I prayed when it was convenient and went to Mass every Sunday but didn't give myself fully over to the Sacrament. In all these moments of living the life of a worldly defined "successful first year in the real world," I felt restless. I felt bound to something and less free. 

      At times I would catch glimpses of freedom and experience and indescribable peace, peace the world cannot give. In these moments, I was with my Sisters or praying on retreat with my students or allowing myself to be alone in nature. Freedom was in prayer and giving myself over to the will of God. At times I felt I was running away from what He was calling me to and when I finally entertained the thought, I felt peaceful. It began to occur to me that no matter what the Lord was calling me and how restrictive it may appear to the world, I was actually experiencing freedom. When I stopped fighting God's will for me, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt so incredibly free and peaceful. 

     God's Will for us is designed with us in mind. He knows the deepest desires of our heart but He also wants the best for us. He gives us free will to accept His will or not but we must no that we avoid or run from His will, we are missing out on such a huge freedom and peace. I've experienced that peace. I know that it's harder to fight the will of God than to accept it. I have felt the restlessness that comes from fighting day and night, fleeing from the Lord (or trying to at least). But God knew that I would come back and He was ready to offer me peace the world cannot give. The freedom, the biggest freedom we can experience, in His Will, His power, His name.