Get In The Water - Doubt and Faith

"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith;

it's an element of faith."

- Paul Tillich

    I have always been a hopeless romantic. I can embarrassingly enough admit to reading every Nicholas Sparks novel and loving it. I can also admit to knowing just about every word in the movie "The Notebook." I absolutely loved reading cheesy romance novels (nothing distasteful, of course). But that wasn't all. I loved hearing how couples met, their stories of first dates, the little things about each other that they love. I'm always willing to hear love stories partly because I have my own love story to tell...between me and JC. And this morning, while I was sitting in Mass, I couldn't help but think that if I was in the boat with the disciples, Jesus might react much like Ryan Gosling in the Notebook (see above picture). 

     If you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I am talking about. Noah (Ryan Gosling) has just started dating Allie (Rachel McAdams) when they find themselves at a summer, Southern lake or pond. All but Allie have swung on the rope swing to get in the water and Noah is cheering her on. After a few "fake-outs" and lots of screaming, Allie finally swings on the rope swing and falls into the cold water. She had been looking out over the pond (probably filled with creepy-crawlies, so I don't blame her), scared out of her mind to jump in, and Noah, already having been in the water, shouts at her "GET IN THE WATER." This scene was playing in my head as I listened to the Gospel reading. Now, trust me, I was paying attention.

     In the Gospel reading today, we hear the familiar story of the disciples in the boat in the middle of a storm. Jesus, walks on water toward them, and they are fearful of Him possibly being a ghost. When the disciples realize it is Jesus, Jesus asks Peter to get out of the boat and into the water. Of course, we all know what happens. Peter starts to get scared and begins to sink. Jesus, then, raises him up. I pictured myself in the boat facing a terrifying storm (or the terrifying pond). Jesus, having been on the water (in the storm) already, beckons for me to come out of the water, perhaps playfully like Noah in "The Notebook. Much like Allie, I hesitate, unsure of what is going to happen once I get in the water. But, because I love Jesus, like Allie loved Noah, I get in the water. See the visual? Yeah...then there was me trying not to giggle as I imagined Jesus looking like Ryan Gosling. But that's not all...

     As I continued to reflect, after the Homily, I pulled out the Gospel reading again. I was looking for any sign of Jesus actually calming the storm before asking Peter to come out on the water. There wasn't any. So you see, the disciples were already sitting in a boat in the midst of the storm when Jesus comes. Now remember, Jesus had to walk through the storm to get to the boat. Jesus doesn't calm the storm; there's not even a brief mention of the sea calming when He walks toward them. But instead, He simply says, "Do not be afraid." Oh yeah...the disciples were already terrified because of the storm. Then suddenly Jesus shows up and says, do not be afraid, but doesn't actually do anything about the storm?! Sounds reasonable (enter sarcasm here). Not only does He not calm the storm, but then He asks Peter to join Him out on the water, which was probably extremely choppy and rough. If anything, the storm is worst out in the water where Jesus is standing, than in the boat, thus, being even more terrifying. Yet, Peter does it. Of course, we know that Peter at one point "thinks about the wind" (I would be more worried about the sharks underneath but to each his own) and starts to slip beneath the water. At this point Jesus, raises him up and says, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" 

    How often is this our life? As I listened, I felt the reading strike a chord with me. Right now, I'm sitting in my own boat and I can feel the waters starting to get rough and choppy. I can see the storm of uncertainty coming. I don't have a job secured yet; I'm not sure if I'm going to live at home or move out; I don't know what's going to happen in the next few months, weeks, days; I don't know a lot of things. All of this is swirling around me and I can feel the storm coming. So often we see these storms coming; these true storms of uncertainty. Often, we find ourselves begging for the storms to go away, to be calmed, to just stop, much like I was last night. But the storms don't stop; they get worse and we feel we are stuck in our boats. But Jesus will come to us; He will go through the storm to find us. And then, He will ask us to go even deeper into the storm. We see Jesus and we are peaceful, but the moment we start thinking about the storm again, we start to sink. This is when Jesus asks us about our faith. 

     At this moment in my life, I feel Jesus asking me to get in the water. I haven't quite yet left the boat, but I know He is there asking me to get in the water. I see Him and I'm begging Him to calm the storms, but He wants me to go deeper into the storm. He wants to show me that with Him, I can weather the storm. He wants to show me my strength; He wants me to believe in myself. But I think, too, all sailors gain experience by the storms they go through. They are better prepared the bigger and worse storms they might have to weather. This storm now is teeny compared to the storms that will come later in life. Jesus is asking me to go deeper into the storm to better prepare me for the ones I might encounter later in my life. And all the while, He is promising to hold my hand. He is promising to be there with me, either through another person or via carrying me in prayer. Right now I'm looking at the storm and at Jesus, holding out His hand and begging me to get in the water. 

     As I was thinking about all of this, I happened to look over at a dear friend of mine who was seated on the other side of the church. On some mornings, she and I share a pew in the Chapel, so we have truly gotten to know each other by praying with and for one another. She has become a spiritual mentor for me and I am extremely grateful for her presence in my life. Anyway, I was looking around the Chapel and found her seated there with our Pastor's mom. At this point in the Mass, we just knelt down for the consecration. Our Pastor's mom was sitting in her wheelchair in front of the pew my friend was kneeling in. As soon as she knelt down, she reached in front of her and offered her hand. Our Pastor's mom took her hand and throughout the consecration, they held hands. Of course, both both and after this, I had seen moments of similar comfort. On occasion, my friend would put her hands on the shoulders of the dear woman in front of her or offer her hand in a comforting way. It is clear to me that this dear woman, our Pastor's mom, is going through a storm herself. She is aging and the aging process is sometimes terrifying. Yet, my friend is often with her and offering her comfort. It seems to me that our Pastor's mom might be in the middle of her storm, and Jesus is holding her up through my friend. 

     It was these moments through Mass that reminded me of what would happen when I finally get out of the boat. Right now, I'm holding onto my boat, the things in life of which I am certain, which really isn't too much. I can see Jesus in the distance, coming towards me and begging me to get in the water. I used to be a cannon ball girl. That is, I used to jump right in the pool or ocean no matter how cold or rough the waters might be. But now, I'm more reserved. I don't know what's in the water, I don't know what's in my storm, and so it's harder for me to jump out. I know though, that Jesus will be much life my friend. He will offer me a gentle hand to hold, gentle hands on my shoulders or arms, just so that I know He is there. He will hold me up when I start to fear in the storm, too. 

    So why am I holding onto my boat? I'm afraid I'll sink in my fears of uncertainty. I'm afraid. Jesus is telling me, "do not be afraid; do not fear that which you do not know." I know, Jesus, I know. But my human instincts say, "stay in the boat." No one in their right mind would jump in the ocean in the middle of a storm and yet, Jesus did. Jesus walked right into the storm to find me. And now, He's telling me that the only way to survive the storm is if I get in the water. So often, our human instincts don't match what faith says to do. In fact, a lot of times, it feels quite like they are opposing forces. I feel that way now. I know that faith says I will survive if I weather the storm. So, maybe it's time I heed the message. Maybe it's time I just "get in the water." Maybe, like Allie, I need to trust the love of my life enough, and just jump. But until I get the courage to do so, I'll work on making my doubt walk the plank. 

Holding Hands With God

"I, the Lord, have grasped you by the hand. 

I formed you and set you as covenant of the people, 

a light for the nations to open the eyes of the blind,

to bring prisoners out from confinement

and from the dungeon, those who live in darkness."

- Isaiah 42

      The wind was blowing my curly hair every which way and the ocean was spraying its salt spit at my face. The sun was now a bright orange circle just above the horizon, something I watched form from somewhere on the expressway. The sand was cold between my toes and it was starting to drizzle. My glasses were sitting on my messy, salted hair and my eyes were closed when I felt the gentle hand of my dear sister on my shoulder. All around us were the retreat girls and the other sisters giggling or running down the beach. I looked her in the eyes and smiled; I felt a humility in my heart. She began to tell me how much she loved me as we walked arm and arm down the beach. To anyone else, the woman appeared as a grandmother walking next to me (as we share the same very curly hair). To me, she was my sister, not just my Sister, but my sister.

     As the wind and the rain picked up, we walked to take shelter in the lifeguard stand. Of course, for someone who had had double knee replacements, this was a feat to be had. So, I got up first, and then with all the strength I could fathom, pulled her up. Together, we sat. Literally, we just sat there in the quiet and let ourselves simply be. Eventually, she took my hands in hers and opened them. She then simply placed them in my lap and said, "Always pray with open hands, Bec. Always." This was two Summers ago. From that moment on, I, without a doubt, always pray with my hands open. 

     After our prayer on the beach, the whole group of us headed to Mass at a church so familiar to me from my childhood. We sat next to each other, giggling like little girls as the pews creaked with every move we made. After finally calming ourselves, we settled in, with hands wide open in our laps, and listened to the readings for the day. The reading was the above reading from Isaiah 42. This reading came back to remind me of the reason why I must pray with my hands open yesterday as it was the first reading for Monday of Holy Week. Needless to say, I got a little nostalgic in remembering the day at the beach so clearly.

      Sister Virginia, after Mass that day at the beach, sat back for a few minutes with me in our pew. She told me to close my eyes and leave my hands open as she read the few lines from Scripture above. It hit me. I got it. I understood. She told me that without my hands open, how could God grasp them. If I pray with my hands folded all the time, there is no room for God to literally take hold of my hands. Just as a person cannot give a hug with his or her arms folded, a person cannot have her hands held unless they are open. She continued by telling me that in praying with open hands, it is a physical image of me being open to whatever God wants to give me. A person cannot receive a gift if her hands are folded or balled up in fists. No, in order to receive all that God wants to give me, I must say to Him with my heart and my body that I am open. My hands are open for You, God, to place whatever it is You wish in my them. My heart is open and my hands are open. I am allowing You, God, the opportunity to GRASP my hands, to HOLD them tight, and to LEAD me wherever it is I must be led. 

      When I think back to that memory of the beach, I remember how much it changed my heart. I called Sister Virginia today to tell her that I was simply thinking of her yesterday and praying for her. She taught me a lot that day, more than just how to pray with openness. She taught me that in opening my hands, a seagull might decided that it's the perfect place to go after breakfast. She taught me that some people might take my hands and later let go. She taught me that my hands will help the elderly, the poor. They will get dirty, they will get rough, they will build houses, they will wipe away tears, they will touch hearts and souls. My hands, my being open, will do all that Christ would do if He walked this earth again. Just as in my most favorite prayer of all time by Teresa of Avila, mine are the hands and feet of Christ. But honestly the best part about learning to be open like this, is knowing full well that I am open to holding anyone's hands.

     I guess that's why I am such a hand holder. Even if I am simply walking with a friend down the street, I am most likely going to take their hand. This is why I hold the older sisters' hands when I visit them or simply am just saying hello. Being open to holding hands is so important for me because I am convinced that in the other hand, is the hand of God. In the hands of the children I play with like my sister or Caleigh and Meghan, in the hands of my Mommom, in the hands of my older Sisters at Camilla or the Mount, in the hands of my Daddy, in the hands of my peers during the Our Father at Mass, in the hands of anyone willing to place their hand in mine, is the hand of God. 

     I am brought to a more recent memory of my hands. Just two weekends ago, during SEARCH, it snowed (seriously...the snow....ugh). Snow, while I love it, also gives me reason to worry. You see, my biggest worry is that it will ice over and the sisters will fall. Honestly, that's my biggest fear. So, in the snow and ice, I was a little more than worried about Sister Cathy falling. Despite the fact that being clumsy is usually my job, I was worried about her simply slipping. You see, if you fall there, it's all down hill from there....literally. One slip and you're down the mountain. Anyway, so I offered my hand. And by the good grace of God, she took it. So, needless to say, Sister Cathy and I did a lot of precious hand-holding that weekend. But there was something different about holding hands with her. You see, she wasn't simply holding my hand for support on the ice, she was literally grasping it, as if she really was depending on my hand. 

     She put that line in Isaiah into true perspective for me. God said he has grasped my hand. Not merely held it, but rather, grasped it. Literally took hold of my now forever open hands as if He depended on it. And the truth is, so many people in my life have depended on my hands. Sister Virginia taught me a lot that day on the beach. But it all starts with being open. If we are not open, if our hands are not open and willing to accept all that God has in store for us, He cannot hold us; He cannot grasp our hands and make us light for those in darkness. 

Las Manos De Monja

"Hold my hand. I promise I'll do all I can. 

Things will get better if you just hold my hand.

Nothing came come between us if you just hold my hand."

- Akon & Michael Jackson, Hold My Hand

Archbishop Chaput with Students of the New Cristo Rey School in Philadelphia.
Disclaimer: Photo is from Chaput's Facebook page.

    It's always been a dream of mine to be fluent in at least one other language aside from English. When I was younger, my idol was Celine Dion and since she was French Canadian, my dream became to learn French. After studying French for four years in high school, I stopped studying it. However, I use my French more now that I'm not studying it, than I did while studying it. Just last night I was having a conversation with one of the Jamaican boys in French. While I love the French language, I realized that it's not very widely spoken here in the United States, and so, when I got to college, I decided to try Spanish. I fell in love with the language. It fell into place with my other dreams of teaching in inner city schools and poverished areas of our country. Did you know that according to the last US Census, 35 million people ages 5 and older spoke Spanish in their homes? That's a pretty huge amount. So, I tweaked my dream of learning a different language; Spanish now, instead of French. Even last year, I toyed around with picking up a minor of Spanish for the Teaching Profession. However, my credits didn't allow room for another minor. But my dream of learning Spanish is still very prominent in my heart. My day at the new Cristo Rey High School in Philadelphia solidified that dream for me.

    It was an experience quite unexpected. I knew nothing about the new opening of Cristo Rey except that it was in the process of being opened. Suddenly, I was asked, along with a few of my peers, to travel to North Philly to sing for the opening Mass. When I first heard the music, I was ecstatic. Not only were we singing a few songs in Spanish, but also Swahili. If you know me, you know me, the thing that most easily warms my heart is African music with drums and the beautiful African voices! As we sang it, I was reminded of Sunday Mass in Jamaica and I almost cried for the beauty of it. The sea of diversity in the congregation between the students, the family, the faculty and those whose passion in life is Cristo Rey was even more beautiful! I was in awe of the whole Mass and could not swipe the smile off my face. It was totally God's Divine Providence that brought me there because during the intercessions (which were spoken in a few different languages), I realized that THIS is the teaching job I had always dreamed of. So, maybe God wants me to head there post graduation. We will see where God points me.

      However, this leads me back to "las manos de monja." The night before Cristo Rey, I got an email from one of the sisters telling me I had the hands of a nun (all because I made her guacamole). I laughed and laughed a much needed laugh. I have the hands of a nun?! I thought. So, in my prayer at Cristo Rey, I reflected on what that really means. I know I want to be what I call "Flufftastic" when I become a sister (which really means being huggable and giving the best hugs). But hands? When I look at my hands now, I see slightly callused hands, bitten down fingernails and cuticles from bad nervous habits, and a ring from my grandma. My hands are tiny hands, just barely bigger than my little sister's hands. And what have my hands done? These hands have built houses, fed children, changed diapers, written letters, made guacamole, blew kisses, colored, done homework, and most importantly, have held other hands. I am a hand holder and a hugger; human touch is important to me. A child knows he or she is loved when a parent gives a hug. A teenager knows he or she is loved when someone holds his or her hand. A husband or wife knows they are loved by the touch of his or her spouse. An elderly knows the love through a hand to hold as well. So many hands my hands have held. But what makes my hands different from anyone else's?

      My hands will teach, not only by the words I will type on the computer, or write on the blackboard (they better still have those when I'm a teacher...not kidding), or the encouragements I write or papers, but by example, too. I know my hands are willing to touch the hands of the stickiest child in the orphanage, or the rough hands of the student touched by violence, or the aged hands of the my elderly sisters, or the hands of those who have suffered greatly. My hands will build not only houses, but homes and love. But most importantly, I want my hands to never grow old, so that I can continue holding the hands of all peoples just like the hands of those who built Cristo Rey. 

      I was so blessed to be touched by those at Cristo Rey and I am so blessed to know that I, too, have that potential. I hope I never lose "mis manos de monja!"