Pondering These Things

"Mary treasured up these things and

pondered them in her heart."

Luke 2:19

      "How did you get a baby who is so good in church?"

      "Your little baby is so cute; I've never seen such a young baby so well-behaved in church. She didn't even cry."

      "I love watching you love your baby during church."

      These, as well as, many other similar sentiments, are phrases I hear often after Mass on Saturdays and Sundays. Our pastor reminds me every time he sees baby girl that she is just so good and so alert during the Mass. Other parishioners comment to those making the above statements that she has been going to daily Mass since she was only one month old. I must admit, even I, myself, am shocked at how easy it is to bring her to church. I often ponder these statements - how did I get so lucky?

      Normally during Mass, I hold baby girl facing outward so she can see, hear and sense everything going on. Not only does facing her outward help me stay focused (because, let's be honest...it's so hard to not play with her cute little face), but it allows her to become aware of the space she's in. I sing in her ear when I hold her that way. I say the words of the prayers in her ear, too. She usually bops her head around, taking in her surroundings. But this past Sunday, I held her facing me, against my chest. She put her right arm against my shoulder, her head, she placed right on my chest and her left hand was in her mouth. I could hear her sucking her fingers until eventually, she stopped; she fell asleep. Later that afternoon, she fell asleep like that again on my chest. And then again, before I could put her down for bed. 

      As I rested my chin on her forehead, I was reminded of the words of a meditation I heard recently. It brought to mind the image of Mary, having just given birth to Jesus, holding, smelling and breathing with her baby. I became more and more aware of baby girl's breath in union with mine. I smelled her head and remembered Mary also smelling her baby boy. As I held her tightly, I imagined Mary holding her son close at each moment of his life. I wondered, then, if that was how Mary prayed. 

      In a conversation about prayer, recently, I was asked how I pray. Without thinking too much, I said, "by looking at my baby." Each time I look at her, watch her grow and learn about new things, or watch her eyes flutter as she dreams, I am brought to the mystery of God and God's creation. It is still so fascinating to think about my baby once being the size of a poppy seed. I am baffled by the fact that for 9 months I carried her within and within a matter of a few minutes, she was lying on my chest. I can hardly wrap my mind around this creation; she is so tiny and yet, so incredibly intricately designed. She is beauty, goodness and light; my heart swells with so much love for her each time I look into eyes. She was so worth the wait and I never want to put her down. She is my means of prayer. 

     But also, I am led deeper into prayer when I watch others interact with her. I love watching my husband, my Joseph, hold her, snuggle her, look in her eyes, and talk with her. Having loved him so much before, I love him even more now. Watching him interact with her, watching him pray, leads me deeper into the mystery. When I see how others look at her, awe at her, and enter into the mystery of her, I am reminded of the shepherds and the wise men and all those who came to visit Jesus. Mary willingly handed them her son to hold, to stare at, to talk to. She watched others interact with her son, her source of light, goodness and beauty. She watched and held these things in her heart; she pondered them. 

     There are not enough words to describe how lifted I feel when I enter into prayer by holding, watching or smelling my baby. There is no preparation like "Now, I am going to pray." It is as simple as just touching her hand; suddenly I am engulfed in mystery. She is the pathway by which I reach the divine; she is the means by which I am joined to God. There are not enough words to describe the overwhelming presence of God I feel when I watch others interact with her. She is so pure and good and beautiful; I tell her every day. Through these things, so many experience God. 

    So how did I get such a good baby; I'm not quite sure. Perhaps she, too, is entering into prayer in the sacred spaced. Perhaps she is aware of the presence of the Eucharist. Perhaps she is aware that it is her space for prayer. Perhaps she is so good because she is somehow aware that so many people are watching her and by watching her, are finding themselves in a deeper prayer. Of these things, I am not sure. But I do know that I cannot imagine a celebration of Liturgy without her now. Each time I witness the sacrifice of the Mass, I am reminded of the sacrifice of my body and how through that sacrifice, I was given the greatest gift this side of Heaven has to offer. How blessed am I to have this direct pathway to my God and how lucky I am to share her with so many! How can you not look at her and immediately be elevated in prayer?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EatBZECJ0v4

Who Am I?

"I am an only one, but still I am one.

I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.

And because I cannot do everything, 

I will NOT refuse to do something I can do."

- Helen Keller

     This past weekend I did some soul searching at retreat. While at retreat, Sister Jeannine spoke to us about journaling, which is clearly one of my most favorite things to do. During her presentation, she challenged us to take journaling to a deeper level. She challenged us to figure out who we are. She gave us a formula as a little guideline and I decided to share my discovery with you. 

Who am I?

I am Rebecca Lynn, whose name means "Servant of God" and "Lady of the Water." Makes sense. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a niece, a cousin. I am Croydon. I am the God-mother to two beautiful little girls. I am the Confirmation Sponsor to five beautiful young women. I am a student who is dedicated to her studies and currently misses being in the classroom (thanks, Snow). I am a lover of the English language and of literature who appreciates diagraming sentences and reading. I am a writer who expresses best through the written word, in poetry and journaling. I am a lover of words. I am a singer although not the best, can still sing praise to God. I am sometimes an artist. I am a photographer who enjoys capturing nature as it's most beautiful. I am a friend with one mouth and two ears. I am a traveler. 

I am a young woman searching for her place in this world. I am one who falls in love with people no matter where she goes whether it be the next city over or a third-world country. I am one who yearns for the soft rush of the ocean because it is steady and that is sometimes the only steady thing in life. I am one who yearns for the rush of water over my skin in a swimming pool, or the gentle breeze in my hair or the sound of blade scraping the ice because it makes me feel beautiful and it is rare I feel that way. I am one who prefers the quiet, gentle touch of hands than perpetual loud conversation between two people because between touch two share so much more. I am one who desires simplicity and not extravagance. I am one who desires not the spotlight. I am one who prefers pulling curtains than performing on stage. I am one who wishes she could cry in front of others to prove her authenticity but cannot for fear of being broken. I am one who smiles despite pain. I am often misunderstood. I am questioned. I am one who wears protective shields of armor to protect myself. I am one who has been challenged by others who have hurt me. I am one who knows heartache and brokenness. Yet I am one who loves and loves and loves without condition for I was taught by the Father to love all those I meet. I am one who loves with forgiveness and without judgement. I am one who loves all who have hurt me and all who may hurt me. I am one who responds to hurt with love. I am one who loves those who deserve love and those who, by the world's standards, do not. I am one who loves. 

I am love. I am the light of the world. I am the candle burning the bushel basket from my light. I am light for others not for myself. I am salt of the earth. I am the seasoning with which I spice up life. I am passion. If I read a beautiful book or have a great dish at a new restaurant, I let the world know. I do all things with passion because each day I am given life. Each day I am a champion over death for I have woken for yet another day and I am grateful to God. I am laughter. I am joy. I am she who laughs without fear of her future. I am joyful with the thought of each day being yet another miracle. I am bursts of energy in every task I am given by God. I am a supernova, an exploding star, of love for the world and all the beauty within it. I am a splurge of energy each second giving witness to LIFE itself. I am a servant of God who has been asked to walk a tough road; a tough road that only God and I know. I am faith on fire. I am a charismatic young woman on fire with love for God; a fire that cannot be put out. 

    Journal writing has always given me an insight to who I truly am. Writing out powerfully who I am, however, gave me strength. I cried while writing this, I laughed while writing this and at the end, I felt as if God had given me a surge of energy to continue His mission for me. Of course, this is not everything. There are many things about me that many do not know and never will know because that is simply who I am. I like to think I'm like Shrek, an onion of layers. However, I'd probably go with Donkey's alternative of a cake or parfait, both of which have layers. There are always layers to be reached, even for ourselves and Sister Jeannine reiterated that for us this weekend. 

     Now, you read mine. Go and do your own. Who are you? Start at the surface until you cannot think of anything anymore. Then start a new paragraph, go deeper this time. Stop when you cannot think of anything anymore. Finally, go even deeper. WHY are you who you are? I am energetic because of the love GOD gives me and the love I have for Him. All things in my life are expressed with that passion of being on fire for God. Who are you? Why?