The Last First Week of School Tears

"For College Seniors, there should be a week

of just being able to cry. Just break down and cry

because you are scared and don't know what's next."

- Bill Crosby

A View of Back Campus

     I have been here for just over two weeks and already it feels like Mid-October. No, not temperature-wise, but rather on the scale of syllabus week - final week. I have literally only been in classes for four days and already, my brain is experiencing sensory overload. I couldn't wait to get back into the classroom, a yearly recurring theme in my life every August. I was anxious to see my friends, see my Sisters, see my professors and of course, get my nose in some more books to learn so much more than I ever thought I could. I was anxious to get Move-In week over with if only so I could find my front row seat in all my classes and start soaking in all the wisdom of my professors. I had my FDO (First Day Outfit) planned out the night before and my back-pack was all ready to go. I climbed into bed knowing how blessed I was to be back at IU for another year. The next morning I woke up to a million and one facebook statuses from my friends: Happy Last First Day of School, Class of 2014. Wait...what? Instant panic. 

     Okay, so I had thought about it many times, but it was too far away to be real. I kept saying all Summer: I'll be a Senior in the Fall. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Senior year whatever. But then all of a sudden, it's no longer "I'll be," it's "I am." Suddenly, I'm not longer a Senior wannabe, but rather the real thing. Suddenly, I'm no longer watching with admiration, the older and wiser students on campus, but rather, I am the older and the wiser (that's debatable.....). So much seemed to have changed in just a matter of a few hours. And boy oh boy was my heart beginning to feel it.

      I remember promising myself that I was going to make this year, my last year of college, the best one. I told myself I would stay up late at night just talking with my friends, only to get up and try to function properly in a few hours later for class. I told myself I would go every place I got the chance to go, I would do anything I could, I would go to any soccer/volleyball/basketball game, I would try out for the musical, I would be there for my friends, I would spend more time with my Sisters across the street, at Camilla and on campus, I would do all these things and more. I had this mentality that this was going to be the best year. Crying during the first week of school was not on the agenda. Therefore, when I felt the increasing need to cry, I refused to let myself do so. 

      Well, the promise not to cry during the first week of school lasted about ten hours. I had gone through the first day of classes and was in the car heading to my grandparents for dinner. I had the country music station on and suddenly, the tears were streaming down my face. I laughed at myself and wiped the tears away promising myself it wouldn't happen again that week. I mean seriously, if I cried the first week of school, what did that mean for the rest of the school year? 

       Crying, I have not always believed, is a true way of cleansing the soul. And I think this week, the urge to cry has simply come from the need to cleanse myself of the paranoia of Senior Year Stress Syndrome. You know, when all of a sudden you are met with the desire to do nothing but the need to do everything and anything. Of course, I have to admit that my Senior Year is going to be way different than everyone else's. You see, Senior Year means something so much more to me than simply finishing school. 

       For me, finishing school gives me another step closer to pursuing my vocation as a religious sister. And that scares the daylights out of me. Of course, it also means finding a job, paying off loans, living on my own, finding a place to live on my own, getting certified as a real teacher, etc. But it also means that the reality of my vocation coming into fruition is even closer. And what is sooooooo scary about that is that I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. All I know is that God's got this....He better, because I sure don't. 

     This week has truly been a very human week for me. While my friends are talking about getting good paying jobs, getting engaged, starting families, I'm just over like "Hey...I wanna be a nun..." and it's like Jesus popped the question, I said yes, but suddenly He wants to start planning for a wedding and I'm like, "Dude, I've got school to worry about." He understands but He keeps asking me if I thought of where we're going to have the wedding, what my dress is going to look like, if I thought about names, and I just want to breathe. He's an anxious bridegroom. I mean, let's be honest....I understand. He makes me smile, and I know all He wants is for me to be His forever and ever and ever, but right now, I tell Him to wait a little longer. I love Him more than anything, anyone, any place, and yet, I'm still reserved. Why is there a part of that is still saying, "I just don't know...." Well, because suddenly these ideas of getting married to Jesus, are no longer ideas, but rather realities at the tip of my finger and suddenly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. 

       Then someone tells me to breathe, that there is still time. That's when I cry....It seemed so obvious, so real, so true and real person life is coming at me much quicker than I thought possible. Yes, I am still a student, but there is a lot more on my mind than most Seniors in my class. And yet, I know God's got this. I can cry, I can talk it out, but in the end, I know that God has full control over this. So, I said to Him, listen, my friend, you plan the wedding. I'll focus on school, You plan the wedding. He's so anxious....I think it's pretty cute. 

      Of course, He agreed but then also reminded me that for me, as a future teacher, there is no such thing as the last first week of school. I'll have last first weeks forever. 

This Ain't Goodbye

"This ain't goodbye, this is just where the love goes. 

This ain't goodbye, it's not where our story ends.

This ain't goodbye, as long as we got time,

this ain't goodbye."

- "This Ain't Goodbye," Train

    In the past week and a half, I've seen a lot of good-byes. I've not only moved back to school for a new semester, but I've also seen off the IHM Novice (and one of my close friends) and I've sent my parting blessings on my AE. If you know me, you know I just don't do good-byes well. Usually, I am a  crying, blubbering, red-eyes, snotty nose, hot mess when it comes to good-byes. Ok, so I know that's gross...but still, it's the blatant, honest truth. In addition to the hot mess, however, I also try very hard to occupy myself with something silly so as not to dwell on the nearing departure. When my final good-bye with my AE was coming, we both let ourselves watch a good two hours of The Peanuts while avoiding the real good-bye. When it was nearing the hour I was meant to leave home to go back to school, I busied myself with making a 12 inch clay model of a leech for my sister's bio project. And when it came time to send off Sister Melissa, we all occupied ourselves with washing dishes until the last possible moment when we all ran down the hallway to wave good-bye. Yeah, I find creative ways to avoid saying good-byes.

     On my last day home, I visited my high school just to give those final good-byes to the sisters. Later that day, I found myself visiting Saint Katherine's to say good-bye to the sisters there. When I was hugging Sister Daniella good-bye, I couldn't help but hang on for an extra long hug. I realized that every time I go back to school, she is one of the last people I see. And no matter what, she is somehow always prepared for some tears. She knows me. Already that day, there were so many good-byes. Later that night, after quite the adventure of leaving keys at home and losing wallets and impromptu visits to grandma's house, I had to say a final good-bye to my Daddy and my little Lizzie. I'll be honest, even after doing this five times before, it gets harder to say good-bye every time and I did shed quite a few tears that night after they left. It's always hard coming back to school, even though I love it so much, because for a few weeks, the schedules are upset and my sisters and I get used to morning Wawa runs and midnight snuggling while watching Disney movies on a school night. It gets harder every time because I get used to food fights in the kitchen with my Daddy and shopping for my Mom. It gets harder every time because I get used to my Frankie knocking me down every time I walk through the front door or my Marina pawing my leg to wake me up in the morning. It gets harder because I just hate good-byes.

     This weekend, I was blessed to be part of the send-off for Sister Melissa. And even though I was super excited for her and somewhat jealous because she would now be living down the hall from Sister Bern, deep in my heart I was sad. I wouldn't see her every so often over at the college nor would I see her late at night in the portress office. And I knew it was hard for her to once again leave a place so familiar to embrace the unknown. As she went around giving us each a hug, there were smiles and tears. I had just previously occupied myself with washing the dishes and really didn't want to think of the reality of her moving away. So I didn't cry then, but later I carried the pain of distance in my heart.

     Tonight, while at Mass, I couldn't get the song, "This Ain't Goodbye" by Train out of my head. So many times before in my life, this song has been key in my emotions. I realized very quickly that all of these good-byes aren't really good-byes. They are more of a "see you later." I will see my AE in a few weekends, when I go and visit her in Chicago. I will see my siblings and family members soon enough too, when I go home for a restocking of shelves...and I will see Sister Melissa well, when she comes back! They were momentary good-byes, but not eternal good-byes. 

     All these good-byes got me thinking about the one other good-bye we all made this past weekend and that was the good-bye to the Christmas Season. Father Chris touched a tad bit on this during his homily tonight and so I simply just have to share. You see, today is the Baptism of Jesus. This day, while coinciding with Father Gillets 200th birthday, marks the anniversary of Jesus' public ministry. It is true that during the Christmas Season, Mass attendance sky-rockets and then once it's over, the pews are just as empty as they were at Thanksgiving. Even in Jesus' real life, once His public ministry began, so many said, "Good-bye, Jesus." It is not ironic that during Mass this song was replaying over and over in my head (during my moments of hot flashes, coughing fits and nose blowing as I have not avoided the common cold....). We cannot make the end of the Christmas Season a good-bye. Because the truth is, just like how it is when Sister Michele, Sister Melissa and my sisters, this isn't where the story ends; we have time. So, this ain't good-bye. We can't let it be a good-bye, we must keep at it! We must keep loving! And when we don't say good-bye, there's no knowing how God might surprise us next! So remember, this ain't good-bye.