SEARCH and Find

"I think you travel to search and you come home to find yourself there."

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The SEARCH VII team huddles for a prayer before giving the retreatants their retreat crosses.

    Weeks and weeks of planning had gone into actually executing the plan. The closer we got to the dates of the retreat, the more nervous anxiety welled up within. The week before we had planned to leave for the retreat, each day I spent fighting the tears of anxiety welling up inside. I knew that anything could tip me off and make me cry. The thing that I did eventually cry about? Misplacing candlesticks. Trust me, it was an emotional roller coaster of a few weeks. But maybe before I jump right in the middle, I should start at the beginning.

     One Sunday night, after Mass, Sister Cathy had asked me to come in for work study...she never asks me to come in on a Monday morning. But alas, it was agreed that I would sacrifice my post-Mass morning nap to go to work study. When I sluggishly walked into the office, one of my best friends, Theresa, was sitting in the chair in her office. I suddenly felt like I crashed a party because for the first time I forgot to see if anyone was in her office before I walked in. As I started to walk out, Sister told me to take the other seat in her office. Then I knew I wasn't interrupting anything, but rather that I was being ambushed. I wasn't sure what was about to happen but Sister was super serious as she said, "I have a question for both of you." We looked at each other, I was terrified, Theresa was just awkward and giggly. So we nodded and encouraged her to ask away. That's when she asked us both to be head team for the annual SEARCH retreat offered to students at IU. We both said yes.

      The next few weeks were filled with "I should have said no..." "I can't really do this..." "I am definitely not good at this stuff..." aka lots of doubt that Sister choose the wrong person. Yet, I knew God was somewhere in this. I remembered often back to the SEARCH IV retreat I made as a Freshman. I remembered back a year ago to the SEARCH VI retreat I helped lead. I reflected on the journey I was taking now. SEARCH for me had always been and always will be a journey of love - giving it and receiving it. It is often so easy for me to love others - I can love so many without hesitation. When it comes to receiving love, however, I struggle. I struggle a lot. There's a belief in oneself that must occur in order to be able to receive love. Often, it's a belief that one is worth another's love. That's my SEARCH story. And every week when we met, whether it was as just the head team or the entire team of leaders, I thought of that. I thought about how I never actually opened up about my SEARCH story...nope, not until I confessed it at our leader retreat.

       A few weeks before the actual retreat, the leaders got together for a weekend retreat of our own. It was a whirlwind of reflecting on questions, reading talks, eating lots of food and praying for our future retreatants. Over the past few weeks our group had grown intensely close and we had been able to share our personal stories. I'm not sure what question sparked the discussion this time around but it had to deal with Living the Fourth but suddenly three of us were crying. We were sharing stories and that's when I began to tell everyone of my struggle with love. 

      Suddenly weeks became days before the retreat. I don't necessarily stress about things, I'm used to dysfunction as someone might say, but I was stressed about SEARCH this time around. Perhaps all my fears were coming in full force. As I walked into the Motherhouse Portress office on the night before we left for SEARCH, the council was gathered waiting to leave for something. That's when Sister William Therese opened her arms for me and gave me the hug I needed. That's when I cried a little. Me, the girl who doesn't cry in front of anyone, was suddenly crying in the Portress Office. I was worried but I was reminded by those nunnies that I love so much, that truly everything is in God's hands and He has all control. 

      Fast forward to Friday afternoon at 4:30 pm in Lourdes Security. No longer was I worried. The time had come and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I wrapped my bandana bow in my hair, pulled up the mom van to the circle and began to drum up the excitement in the room well...hallway. By the time we were in the car getting ready to go, I was blaring the SISTER ACT soundtrack with my new SEARCH Sisters, Brittany, Madison and Jennifer. We belted out all the words as we drove down the turnpike. I didn't need the directions because the way to Gretna Glen was carved in my heart and when we pulled into the drive, I was more than excited. 

     I think I cried more this SEARCH than any other. That's not to say the others didn't affect me as much, but it's to say that this SEARCH came at a time when I really needed it. I was reaffirmed in my own self-worth, I was able to believe that I was a little bit loveable, and I gained a whole new SEARCH family. I think the hardest part came at the end when Sister Cathy put my new SEARCH cross around my neck. I almost cried in front of everyone. And then, I turned to Theresa who was crying. *cue waterworks*. There was a moment when I was so tempted to snuggle up to Sis while we sat and reflected at AGAPE, but she was so precious with her eyes closed and face so full of peace. I didn't want to scare her. 

     Of course, there were plenty of hilarious moments where I was roaring laughing so hard my stomach hurt like when James ate that apple off the floor during his skit, or when Sis freaked out the second morning I woke her up, or when we made Jen sleep in the hallway, or when Dan the Cabin Man found out his nickname, or every time we clapped when Sis (Tyra Banks) entered the room or when Theresa, Jen and I laughed so hard we snorted. So many memories were made, so many tears were shed, so many laughs were had and so many pictures were taken. When I say that SEARCH was my saving grace this year, I mean it. I needed it more than I can even describe. 

     When I think back to all the doubt I had about Sister asking me to be a head team leader, I still wonder why on earth she asked me. But, I also can't thank her enough because truly it was what I needed. Maybe she knew, even months before that I was going to need this reminder of love. Maybe God had it in His plans all along. While the struggle to getting to SEARCH VII was a long and hard one, I truly needed it. I have tears of gratitude running down my face now as I write. I'm on a SEARCH journey of giving and receiving love. Oh I wish it wasn't so late, otherwise I'd probably knock on Sis' door and ask her for a hug. I guess that's what work study is for tomorrow. Thanks SEARCHERS of SEARCH VII for helping me more than you can even imagine.To my fellow leaders, thanks for carrying me through this journey of realization of self worth. To Sis, just thanks for everything. Can I have a hug tomorrow?