Today, I Will Be Confident

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by

every experience in which you really stop to look

fear in the face. You must do the thing you think 

you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

     Confidence. According to Webster's Online Dictionary, confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. I found this very interesting. According to this definition, in order for us to be confident, we need to appreciate our own abilities and qualities. That sounds pretty easy. But I think the hard part comes when we find it difficult to even name abilities or good qualities. 

     Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a status saying: Today, I will be confident. Right away, the like notifications came filing in. Before I knew it, a few people were leaving comments. One of my friends wrote, "aren't you always confident?" Another friend wrote, "I have this written on my computer everyday...Today, I will find a way." Someone even wrote, "You should be every day." I smiled at the comments and at the likes, but my confidence wasn't given a boost by any of them. No, my self-worth isn't determined by what social media has to say about me. But there was something in me that started to grow when I realized, that yeah, I should be confident everyday.

      On Monday, I had my first interview for a teaching position. I always hate the question, "so what are you strengths and abilities?" I always stutter and find it very hard to list strengths and abilities. Of course, given a few days, I could maybe write a few down for you, but it's hard to come up with something on the spot. So I listed a few things like possessing gentle patience, being able to connect with all people, and my faith. The next question, I should have seen coming: "What is something you find you might need to work on in the classroom?" I sat for a few seconds and said it, "Confidence." The Sisters looked at me with such a confused look, so I started to explain.

     I broke the cardinal rule of interviewing, I told them how nervous I was sitting there in front of them, people I've known for quite a few years now. I told them that my biggest struggle during student teaching was that I couldn't believe I'd actually make a good teacher. I was afraid my students wouldn't learn anything. I was afraid that I'd make them hate literature more than they already did instead of fall in love with it. I told them that at the end of the semester, however, my students told me that they had learned so much more in my few months of teaching than they had before. And that even last week when I saw a few of them, they were rattling off characters from The Canterbury Tales with no difficulty. I told the Sisters that the moment I get in front of the students, my nervousness disappears, but that doesn't mean I question everything the night before a new lesson. Confidence, I told them, was my weakest link. 

     After I explained, the two of the Sisters mentioned that they never would have known that at that moment, I was shaking in my boots. I assured them that I hide it well. It was a response I was used to; no one ever thinks that extroverted me is ever lacking in confidence. Go back to my own friend's comment on my status, "Aren't you always confident?" I wish I could agree. 

      Last week, I was blessed to be a part of a Kairos retreat for the school where i did my student teaching. I had never been a Kairos leader before but I had led numerous other retreats. I was, as expected, nervous as all get out. But I think my excitement covered my nervousness, because even I didn't realize how nervous I was until I got there. Be yourself, I said, just be yourself. Now, because I can't give away any of the miracles of Kairos (because I want you all the experience it for yourself), I'm only going to tell a part of the story. I brought with me a mirror. It was a little 8.5 by 11 thing and on it had written, "You are worth it, you are beautiful, you are LOVED." It was something I kept telling my group over and over all week. The mirror, however, didn't make it's debut until Thursday. I pulled out the mirror as I was telling the entire group about my confidence struggle. I told them, in brief, how many mornings I need to remind myself that someone, somewhere loves me. I told them how sometimes it's hard to believe my own words. I told them a little bit more and I could see faces of shock, but also faces of girls that felt the same. Confidence isn't just my struggle, it's the struggle of many young women and young men. Confidence is the struggle of anyone, at any age, of any gender. 

      Lack of confidence can come in an array of things. Some struggle with physical looks: they don't feel beautiful, they don't feel masculine enough, they feel over-weight, they feel skinny, they don't like the shape of their bodies, etc. It goes on and on about physical attributes. We are constantly finding something about our bodies that we simply do not like. For others, a lack of confidence might come in the form of not feeling that they can be good at anything. It is easier to list a bunch of "can'ts" instead of "cans." Sometimes people even feel like they might be judged for who they are so they pretend to be someone else. They hide their laugh because they think it's too obnoxious, they don't open their mouths for fear that what they might say would be considered dumb, they don't do what the love because they feel like they aren't good at it. I've been there. I know. But then there's my Sister. 

     I think older siblings always have the stereotype that they must be a good role model and have their younger siblings look up to them. I'm not saying I'm not the best role model, but what I'm saying is that my little sisters have no idea how much I actually look up to them. My Sister, Mary, is someone who I think is so full of confidence, that sometimes I wish I could ask her to give me some of her confidence. When I look at her, I see someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind; she just doesn't have a filter (although sometimes, I wish she did...). She says whatever she wants, whenever she wants and doesn't care who might judge her for it. She also doesn't care what anyone thinks about her wearing a two beach bathing suit to the beach. She's confident in her own body image. She doesn't hide her extremely obnoxious laugh (which I have...and is actually a family trait). I will also embarrass her here and say that belching in public does not phase her...why can't ladies belch?! She's someone I've watched get up on a stage a plethora of times and belt out any song she wanted. She would sing with such confidence that I was sure she was going to blow the crowd away. She had enough confidence to say to my family that she didn't want to follow in my foot steps and go to the same high school as me. She doesn't know how much I applaud her for that. She has enough confidence to flirt with the boy she likes without fear that it might not be returned (of course, she does hope it's mutual). She has enough confidence to be her crazy self wherever she is because she's not afraid of others being judgmental. For all of this and so much more, I admire and look up to my little Sister. And sometimes when I am feeling self-conscious, I look at my beautiful Sister and remember that it's possible to be confident.

     So yesterday, I posted my status saying, "Today, I will be confident." I posted it after I took a selfie with my sisters in the car waiting for Julia and Madi. I looked at both of my little Sisters, but especially Mary and thought, if she can be confident, I can be confident. If she can feel beautiful, I can feel beautiful. She is beautiful (and we are related). I can be beautiful, too. I just have to believe it about myself just like she does. So, yesterday I was confident. I followed my Sister's example and let myself be beautiful. Today, I will be confident again.