Alive Again/Opened Eyes

"You called, you shouted, and your broke through my deafness.

You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. 

You breathed Your fragrance on me; I drew in breath.

You touched me and I burned for Your peace."
- St. Augustine

     The second "half" of Mass always seems so rushed to me. Right after the homily, I feel like it's a quick boom boom boom, Communion, done. Then I am left kneeling there thinking, wait...where did Mass just go? Okay, maybe this really isn't so, but some days, I really find myself kneeling there, after receiving Jesus, yearning for just a little more time in prayer after that holiest of holy moments. Even today, I found myself longing for the song to last a little longer, for a little bit more time to close my eyes. That's when I opened my eyes.

     I wasn't singing along with the Sisters, but rather listening to their beautiful voices. Some days, I like to listen because people are seemingly always listening to me. Today, I listened and I wondered how so many sisters could make such a great sound. Usually, on days when I simply listen, I close my eyes and smile because of the happiness that simple moment gives me. Today, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to look around at my sisters, the lovely ladies I have prayed with for the past four years. While part of me got nostalgic, the other half could not stop thanking God. It was then that I had finally seen. 

     You see, this past week has been a rough one. Let's just say, it started with a "solo" adventure. I had this need to go away from school but I didn't want to go home either. So I decided, why not drive a few hours to the beach and take pictures. I couldn't explain the need to get away and I wasn't quite sure what I was getting away from. But what I do know is that Stone Harbor is a little bit closer than Peru (the other place I tell people I'm going to when I'm "running away"). So, I picked up my sister, Mary, and headed to the beach. We didn't stay very long, only an hour, but I got some BEAUTIFUL shots of the sunset. I was happy, but I was still missing something. It was a strange feeling.

     We headed back to campus and my Sister camped out for the weekend. I worked all day Saturday at the Motherhouse and even there, I was not my normal self. I was feeling empty. I also was feeling under the weather. LONG story short, I wound up with strep throat for four days and a lovely fever for three. Yay. I was stuck in bed, not that I could really complain, because I was feeling AWFUL. But I could hear everything around me. I could hear my neighbors enjoying the snow day, I could hear the nunnies shuffling down the hall to get to Mass, I could hear my roomie coming and going throughout the day with friends. I felt even more empty; like I was missing out on something.

     As I snuggled in my bed and attempted to get better, I thought about was really bothering me. Suddenly, it seemed that everyone was settling into their futures, whether it be making plans for apartments, applying for jobs and most definitely, getting into relationships. Now, don't get me wrong, how many times have I said that seeing my friends happy makes me happy. I love watching them experience life and be happy. But often, I feel I am not really participating in their lives when they are happy. I've always been okay with that. In fact, my personality kind of enjoys it. It's the introvert in me. But for some reason this week I had just felt like I was really missing out on something, even if I was in the same room as they were. Then it hit me: my life, no matter how close we may be, will always be very different from theirs. 

      My friends will enjoy going out on first dates, double dates, wedding planning outings, dress shopping, baby shopping, baby stuff, family stuff, etc. I will enjoy living with my Sisters, making my vows, watching families grow up, teaching children, maybe living in a foreign country. You see? Very different. I know that by accepting the call from God, I have chosen to give their lives up and there is usually peace about it (because it is the right path for me). But sometimes, it gets little difficult. They can hold hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I, alas, cannot. And for some reason, this notion really hit the heart this week. Of course, I was dealing with strep and everyone gets the icky sicky blues when they are stuck in the infirmary of their room. 

       On Monday, the first day I had skipped morning Mass in a VERY long time, Sister George called me. She asked how I was feeling and then told me that on Channel 59, Academy Award Winning Musicals were on all day. I smiled at her outreach. She's so precious. She's coming with me when I graduate. On Monday night, my lovely neighbor sent a little message : "So strep? That's why you've been so quiet." I laughed. It hurt, but I laughed. Of course, throughout the day a few other sisters reached out just to say take care or get well. I smiled. By Tuesday night, I was feeling much better. I didn't have a fever anymore and I needed some fresh air. So, I walked outside for a treasurer's meeting with our class advisor and class president. MAN DID THAT FEEL GREAT. However, I was still feeling a bit melancholy about everything else. 

       By Wednesday, I was feeling much better. So, after noon mass (we had a snow/ice day), I decided to get a few people together and go to Camilla. What an adventure that was. Long story short, Sister Mimi, one of my Sisters from Peru, was visiting and giving a presentation. I saw so many of my dear Camilla Sisters that suddenly all the sadness and melancholy-ness (I know this is not a real word...) disappeared. I was surrounded by beautiful women of God who reminded me why I am discerning this life. As we watched the presentation from Sister Mimi, I had many of the same reactions as they did. Sighing over the cute babies. Excitement at the sight of new buildings. Claps of joy, loud whispers, etc. That's when my friend, Paxton, leaned over and said, "One day, that will be you." 

       In the middle of my sickness, I had also had the thoughts that I might not make a good sister. I fought with the devil on that one. I struggled thinking that actually, I was not worthy of that life. I could not possibly make a good sister. But then Paxton reminded me, without knowing it, that I was right. I AM NOT WORTHY...but, no one really is. She gave me a glimmer of hope, just as those dear Camilla Sisters did. I need to persevere; I need to keep going. I refuse to give up, I needed to say. 

      I left Camilla feeling renewed in my Spirit. I had seen the Mother General checking up on her Sisters at Camilla (the power had been out all morning thanks to the ice storm) and that warmed my heart. It was a reminder of why I had ever thought of this life. I needed that. I found myself at the Motherhouse that night and at peace. Then this morning, when I opened my eyes after Communion and looked around to see those beautiful women of God singing their hearts out, I felt my heart overwhelmed with peace. 

       It doesn't matter that my life will be different from my friends. It's okay to go through difficult times, too. It's okay to experience hardship and pain. A dear Sister Eileen told me once that religious life is full of struggles and challenges, but in the end, it is the most beautiful life one could experience. I don't know why I didn't remember that this week (I had just spoken with her the other day...). This morning, I couldn't agree with her more. There are times, even in my discernment, when the road gets rocky. This past week was one of the rocky times. And yet, this morning, when I watched my Sisters sing and even yesterday holding hands with Sister Cyril, I felt that I knew, once again, that this path was still right for me. I left Mass this morning with opened eyes and feeling ALIVE AGAIN!