Alive Again/Opened Eyes

"You called, you shouted, and your broke through my deafness.

You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. 

You breathed Your fragrance on me; I drew in breath.

You touched me and I burned for Your peace."
- St. Augustine

     The second "half" of Mass always seems so rushed to me. Right after the homily, I feel like it's a quick boom boom boom, Communion, done. Then I am left kneeling there thinking, wait...where did Mass just go? Okay, maybe this really isn't so, but some days, I really find myself kneeling there, after receiving Jesus, yearning for just a little more time in prayer after that holiest of holy moments. Even today, I found myself longing for the song to last a little longer, for a little bit more time to close my eyes. That's when I opened my eyes.

     I wasn't singing along with the Sisters, but rather listening to their beautiful voices. Some days, I like to listen because people are seemingly always listening to me. Today, I listened and I wondered how so many sisters could make such a great sound. Usually, on days when I simply listen, I close my eyes and smile because of the happiness that simple moment gives me. Today, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to look around at my sisters, the lovely ladies I have prayed with for the past four years. While part of me got nostalgic, the other half could not stop thanking God. It was then that I had finally seen. 

     You see, this past week has been a rough one. Let's just say, it started with a "solo" adventure. I had this need to go away from school but I didn't want to go home either. So I decided, why not drive a few hours to the beach and take pictures. I couldn't explain the need to get away and I wasn't quite sure what I was getting away from. But what I do know is that Stone Harbor is a little bit closer than Peru (the other place I tell people I'm going to when I'm "running away"). So, I picked up my sister, Mary, and headed to the beach. We didn't stay very long, only an hour, but I got some BEAUTIFUL shots of the sunset. I was happy, but I was still missing something. It was a strange feeling.

     We headed back to campus and my Sister camped out for the weekend. I worked all day Saturday at the Motherhouse and even there, I was not my normal self. I was feeling empty. I also was feeling under the weather. LONG story short, I wound up with strep throat for four days and a lovely fever for three. Yay. I was stuck in bed, not that I could really complain, because I was feeling AWFUL. But I could hear everything around me. I could hear my neighbors enjoying the snow day, I could hear the nunnies shuffling down the hall to get to Mass, I could hear my roomie coming and going throughout the day with friends. I felt even more empty; like I was missing out on something.

     As I snuggled in my bed and attempted to get better, I thought about was really bothering me. Suddenly, it seemed that everyone was settling into their futures, whether it be making plans for apartments, applying for jobs and most definitely, getting into relationships. Now, don't get me wrong, how many times have I said that seeing my friends happy makes me happy. I love watching them experience life and be happy. But often, I feel I am not really participating in their lives when they are happy. I've always been okay with that. In fact, my personality kind of enjoys it. It's the introvert in me. But for some reason this week I had just felt like I was really missing out on something, even if I was in the same room as they were. Then it hit me: my life, no matter how close we may be, will always be very different from theirs. 

      My friends will enjoy going out on first dates, double dates, wedding planning outings, dress shopping, baby shopping, baby stuff, family stuff, etc. I will enjoy living with my Sisters, making my vows, watching families grow up, teaching children, maybe living in a foreign country. You see? Very different. I know that by accepting the call from God, I have chosen to give their lives up and there is usually peace about it (because it is the right path for me). But sometimes, it gets little difficult. They can hold hands with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I, alas, cannot. And for some reason, this notion really hit the heart this week. Of course, I was dealing with strep and everyone gets the icky sicky blues when they are stuck in the infirmary of their room. 

       On Monday, the first day I had skipped morning Mass in a VERY long time, Sister George called me. She asked how I was feeling and then told me that on Channel 59, Academy Award Winning Musicals were on all day. I smiled at her outreach. She's so precious. She's coming with me when I graduate. On Monday night, my lovely neighbor sent a little message : "So strep? That's why you've been so quiet." I laughed. It hurt, but I laughed. Of course, throughout the day a few other sisters reached out just to say take care or get well. I smiled. By Tuesday night, I was feeling much better. I didn't have a fever anymore and I needed some fresh air. So, I walked outside for a treasurer's meeting with our class advisor and class president. MAN DID THAT FEEL GREAT. However, I was still feeling a bit melancholy about everything else. 

       By Wednesday, I was feeling much better. So, after noon mass (we had a snow/ice day), I decided to get a few people together and go to Camilla. What an adventure that was. Long story short, Sister Mimi, one of my Sisters from Peru, was visiting and giving a presentation. I saw so many of my dear Camilla Sisters that suddenly all the sadness and melancholy-ness (I know this is not a real word...) disappeared. I was surrounded by beautiful women of God who reminded me why I am discerning this life. As we watched the presentation from Sister Mimi, I had many of the same reactions as they did. Sighing over the cute babies. Excitement at the sight of new buildings. Claps of joy, loud whispers, etc. That's when my friend, Paxton, leaned over and said, "One day, that will be you." 

       In the middle of my sickness, I had also had the thoughts that I might not make a good sister. I fought with the devil on that one. I struggled thinking that actually, I was not worthy of that life. I could not possibly make a good sister. But then Paxton reminded me, without knowing it, that I was right. I AM NOT WORTHY...but, no one really is. She gave me a glimmer of hope, just as those dear Camilla Sisters did. I need to persevere; I need to keep going. I refuse to give up, I needed to say. 

      I left Camilla feeling renewed in my Spirit. I had seen the Mother General checking up on her Sisters at Camilla (the power had been out all morning thanks to the ice storm) and that warmed my heart. It was a reminder of why I had ever thought of this life. I needed that. I found myself at the Motherhouse that night and at peace. Then this morning, when I opened my eyes after Communion and looked around to see those beautiful women of God singing their hearts out, I felt my heart overwhelmed with peace. 

       It doesn't matter that my life will be different from my friends. It's okay to go through difficult times, too. It's okay to experience hardship and pain. A dear Sister Eileen told me once that religious life is full of struggles and challenges, but in the end, it is the most beautiful life one could experience. I don't know why I didn't remember that this week (I had just spoken with her the other day...). This morning, I couldn't agree with her more. There are times, even in my discernment, when the road gets rocky. This past week was one of the rocky times. And yet, this morning, when I watched my Sisters sing and even yesterday holding hands with Sister Cyril, I felt that I knew, once again, that this path was still right for me. I left Mass this morning with opened eyes and feeling ALIVE AGAIN!

     

Where In The World Is Your Heart?

"Blessed are the feet of those who carry the good news."

Romans 10:14  

     When I was younger, in computer class, we used to play the online game "Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?" The main point of the game was to travel to different parts of the world, collecting clues and meeting new people, to find Carmen San Diego! If you found her, you were successful. If not, you kept searching. Yesterday, while I was at work at the Motherhouse (and simply beaming with good news for my sisters), one of the sisters told me she wasn't surprised I was leaving the country again. I am simply traveling the world to find something. I immediately thought: instead of Carmen San Diego, I am searching the world for my heart. 

     As most of you know simply from following my blog, I've been to many, many places around the US and the World. I've traveled to places as close as Philadelphia to as far as Jamaica to do service for God's people. It's always been a deep part of who I am: to simply travel and teach the children of the world. Some people love to travel. Some love to teach. I want to do both with the rest of my life and I knew that from a very young age. I've always had a desire to get up and just go. Take all I need in one back pack, and go, living doing service for the rest of the world. However, since I'm such a busy student, I can only do so much during my Summer. 

     While I was praying sometime back in October, it crossed my heart that I needed to go to New Orleans in January this school year instead of May. I had no idea why, but I felt the need and desire to. So, I put in my application and was the last possible person accepted for the service trip. It was as simple as that. God said go, and He made it possible. I still had no idea why He wanted me to go in January. A few weeks later in November, I heard wind of the annual Peru trip. So, I took interest, talked to Sister Elaine and submitted yet another application. Within two days, I got an email saying, "Thanks for the email, Bec. Start saving." Without wanting to assume, my heart suddenly seemed set on going to Peru. 

       A few days after Thanksgiving break, there was an email in my inbox with the formal heading, invitation and congratulations of being accepted for the Summer 2013 Peru trip. I was in shock. This was the reason God said, "Hey, Bec, go to NOLA in January." He had bigger plans for me for my Summer. I suddenly felt so blessed and knew that God was going to take care of this situation. And once the shock wore off, I knew I had one person (in addition to so many others) I had to tell: Sister Miriam Irene.

       Sister Miriam Irene and I met my Freshmen year during one of the annual Camilla trips and hit it off instantly. Every time we visited she would fill my heart with a passion to go to Peru. Or anywhere, but definitely Peru. The sisters have had missions there for a while and that's the life I've always desired. My heart would always be on fire to do what she did after every visit! And so, when I went to Camilla yesterday, I told her. Her beautiful smile got so big and she simply hugged me saying how excited she was for me! I almost cried...and so did she! Once she knew, I felt I could tell the rest of the sisters. And so, at work last night, I let them all know!

      I waited for Sister Martina to "pop in" and when she did, I told her. Within minutes, most of the Motherhouse knew! Except a few others. When Sister Lorraine, the Mother General came in, I told her to brace herself. She took it so seriously, I was laughing so hard as I tried to tell her I was headed to Peru. She, of course, was so excited! My heart was so on fire for Peru, but in general to continue this dream that God has placed in my heart!

     And so, now, I tell the rest of you the good news! I'm headed to Peru to work with the children! Of course, I need to brush up on my Spanish, but I believe that even if I don't understand the language, I'll be able to understand the hearts of the children and beautiful people of Peru. Just like I understood the Patois of the Jamaican babies. Just like how I understood the heavy Southern Accents of the NOLA people. There's a love and fire in their hearts!!! And I share that love and fire!

     I've grown past the years of  searching for Carmen San Diego, and now I'm searching for my heart. Where does my heart really lay?! I know I have so many stirrings to travel and teach. Maybe I'll never put down permanently, but maybe Peru could be ultimately where my heart is. Regardless, God is sending me there to at least pick up some clues!!