O Happy Fault

"Oh happy fault, oh necessary sin of Adam

that gained for us so great a redeemer."

- Exultet (Easter Vigil)

     My journey of Lent has been, to be completely honest, empty, dry and dark. Some may say, "That's how it's meant to be," while others may say, "It's a time of prayer and renewal." Every year Lent is my most favorite time and yet, it's been so busy that I had not been able to focus on my prayer life or spirituality. I spent Ash Wednesday sick in bed and got the flu two more times during Lent. I had so much to do at work that it simply was so difficult to make time for additional prayer. However, as empty, dry and dark it was, there was something that changed me a bit. 

      I had been expecting people to question my age and my maturity with my Lenten sacrifice this year, but it went in a different direction. This Lent I gave up shoes again (only this time I wore my black TOMS every day) and make-up. In the beginning, it was so difficult to not reach for the mascara hanging from the wall next to my mirror. It was difficult to walk into school every day with my face empty. I felt naked and vulnerable. I had worn make-up every day since high school in various capacities. Every day I wear mascara and cover-up. Most days I wear eye-liner and eye-shadow. Less frequently I wear blush. On special occasions (like mornings when I get up on time), I wear lipstick. I could not remember the last time I went make-up less. 

      A few days before Lent was to start, I prayed about what to give up for Lent. I had done the shoe thing last year and it would be easier this year. I needed a greater sacrifice. I kept hearing songs on the radio about beauty. On one particular morning, after Mass, I was moved to tears because I knew what Jesus was calling me to do: embrace my beauty. I needed to stop worrying about my outer appearance and focus on the natural beauty I had been given. I needed to focus on the beauty of my soul. 

     As I said, it was difficult. On the first day after Ash Wednesday when I went back to school, I felt so insanely vulnerable. I did wake up and feel grateful for the fifteen minutes it took me to get ready, though. I remember walking through the hallway thinking that I probably looked like the walking dead, especially cus the last bits of the flu was holding onto me. The following week, I was speaking to my class about the struggles of Lent. One girl gave up Tater Tots for Lent and felt the sting when she could smell them in the caf. Another girl gave up desserts and couldn't really function when on retreat that's all we ate at night time. That's when I told them what I gave up. 

      Each woman, especially in their teenage years, deals with outer appearance issues. Whether it's trying to find a fitting style or what shades of lipstick to wear or even weight, women always deal with these things. I began to talk to my students about how my journey of Lent was this discovery of inner beauty. I remember one student in particular saying, "Miss G, you work in an all-girl school. Most of us don't wear make-up, heck, most of us don't even shower." (DISCLAIMER: all girl school perks). When I went home that afternoon, I thought to myself about how hypocritical I had been. I tell these girls every day to embrace the beauty they have and yet, I was struggling with embracing that philosophy. My students helped me embrace my own beauty and work on the beauty of my soul this Lent and for that, I owe them so much. 

      Lent, contrary to former belief, ends on sundown the day before Holy Thursday. So, while I kept the shoes (they ARE comfortable, after all), I put on some make-up. I looked at myself in the mirror, half done up and thought, do I need this? The answer was no. Jesus won't love me any more because I look "prettier." I may look older, more mature, things like that, but it doesn't change who I am. If I'm wearing lipstick or not, I am still Becca Lynn, soulful beauty. I smiled in the mirror, added a hint of lipstick just because, not because I needed it to feel my best. In fact, my skin looked much better after doing a forty day detox. I felt good about myself and it was amazing how much a difference forty days can make. 

     Of course, if you knew my inner, deepest secrets, you know that there are two moments when I, regardless of outer appearance, feel most beautiful and that is when the wind is blowing and when I sing. Singing, for me, is an all out showing of my soul. I feel so free, so happy, so beautiful. It has been a while since I've been blessed to sing at church. In fact, the last time I did so was at Baccalaureate Mass in May. I had been praying about getting back into singing but I wasn't sure how or when or where. That's when Sister Pat, a Sister of the Blessed Sacrament, called and asked if I could sing the Exultet at their Easter Vigil celebration. My heart immediately said yes. 

     So Easter Vigil, I found myself at the chapel I had been in so many times before among Sisters who have been praying for my vocation since before I was born (LITERALLY!!). I had been there for Christmas and the feast day celebration for Katie D, but there was something about this most holy of nights. All throughout dinner, my stomach was doing flips and spins; I was so nervous. I practiced the whole car ride and finally said, if I don't have it by now, I'll never have it. After the lighting of the Paschal Candle, Sister Anne gave me the wink of "go time" and I walked up to the ambo to proclaim the Exultet. Suddenly my fears and hesitations were gone - God. I stood where I am sure Katharine herself may have stood so many times before. 

     From the deepest parts of my soul came the most beautiful words I have ever read: O happy fault, oh necessary sin of Adam that gained for us so great a redeemer. It is because of our human flaws that Jesus came. Without our human flaws, without Adam's sin, Jesus would have had no need to come save us. And there I was singing about it; proclaiming it with my whole being. I felt my heart yearning for the greatness of God and realizing that with each and every breath I was taking, He was filling me with knowledge of my own beauty; my beauty of my imperfections. My journey of Lent, though literally complete on Holy Thursday, was finished - it had come into fruition. 

     Everything the entire Mass, from the dramatic reading of "Creation" by James Weldon Johnson, to the music, to the feeling that Katie D was right there next to me the entire Mass, to the ringing of bells during the Gloria in utmost praise of His breaking of the veil, was beautiful. I felt complete. I felt God's beauty wash over me. I felt so imperfectly beautiful - Jesus loves me beyond my greatest imperfection. 

     My Easter, complete with singing, discovering my inner and natural outer beauty, and our annual photo shoot by the river, has reminded me of the greatest beauty - Jesus died for me. He died for you. And just to make our life complete - rose from the dead to be with us once more. He is my Lord, my Love, my Salvation, my Rock. He is with me always, reminding me of my beauty. He has blessed me for so much and for the necessary sin of Adam, I am eternally grateful. May today our Hallelujahs be MULTIPLIED. Amen? Amen!

How To Date A Discerner For Dummies Pt. 1

"She doesn't belong to me, 

she belongs to God.

I am simply the caretaker of her heart on God's behalf."

- anonymous

      Every "For Dummies" book should come with a disclaimer. So the disclaimer for this blogpost: dating a discerner is not for the weak or faint of heart; if you do not already care more about her heart than yours, maybe you should put this book down. But then again, maybe you should pick it up. 

     Let's start at the beginning: who is a discerner? A discerner is someone on a journey to finding out his or her life vocation. A discerner is often serious about devoting time to prayer during which he or she speaks with God on the topic of his or her vocation to single life, married life or religious life. However, a discerner is never NOT a discerner as discernment is a life-long process. In this specific case, our discerner is a young woman very seriously discerning religious life. 

     You must have specific qualifications to even be considered for the dating process: you must be gentle, kind, loving, faithful, and obviously, you must be a devoted Catholic. Having a beard, musical talents and a love for adventure also helps. However, these are not required. 

     It's obvious she caught your eye from the very beginning. It was probably her unique selfless attitude by which she served a lot of people. Often this attitude has caused her to run into class a few minutes late, be late to a dinner arrangement, or even to work (but don't worry she works with nuns). You saw it in action when she would walk a sister arm-in-arm across the icy tundra called campus, or helped a lost visiting family but not giving them directions but rather giving them a personal tour, or perhaps by how she stayed up for hours consoling a friend or sister, or how she would spend odd hours of the morning or night praying Chapel for the entire world. 

     Another thing that caught your eyes was how she laughed joyfully at the simplest things like pillow fights and puddle jumping. You probably saw her walking around praying her rosary in sandals at every time of year. Maybe you heard her singing at Mass or sitting with the nuns in the cafeteria, a local restaurant or even driving somewhere. You admired her courage for truly living out her faith so actively. That being said, you probably witnessed her wildly defending her faith beliefs with Scriptural and Catechetical evidence. There wasn't a belief she couldn't prove to anyone. She was also a feminist which scared you but somehow made you really fall for her anyway. But overall, what captured your attention the most was her mysterious happiness. Even on her worst days, she could find joy. It was an awesome mystery and it made her so beautiful. 

     If you have agreed to any of the above, well, let's just say, I know your kind. I know your kind very well, as I am no stranger to being asked on dates (sounds pretentious, but seriously...I have lost track). So let me just give you a few tips for dating a discerner: 

1. You need to allot at least two hours every Sunday for Mass. She either is cantoring, reading or being a Eucharistic Minister, so she has to be there early. If, on the off chance that she is doing none of the three, she will be there early regardless. You know that black book she carries around that everyone calls her Bible? Well, it's not a Bible, it's a prayer book. She'll be found on St. Mary's side of church about midway at no later that a half hour before Mass. If you want to catch her eye, show up early. You better show special devotion to Joseph but also Mary. Of course, if you really want to catch her eye, ask her to teach you how to pray Divine Office/Liturgy of the Hours. She will teach you without even questioning why you want to learn (most young people do not know what Liturgy of the Hours is). Of course, if you are musically inclined, join the choir. 

2. You need to have a good ear for listening. And no, not just to her, but to God. Yes, listening to the woman you are pursuing is so incredibly important. While it may be difficult, you will have to listen to story after story after story about the nuns and all her Nun-Tastic days. She will tell you about so many nuns that you will get confused. Do not act confused. Worst case scenario, just refer to the nun in her story as Sister. It's okay if you struggle at first. She won't expect you to know all the Sisters' names like she does. She will tell you stories about people you may never meet like all the people she met on service trips. Listen. But again, you need to listen not only to her with full attention, but you need to listen also to God. While she is discerning her own vocation, you should be discerning yours. God is speaking to her heart and you need to attune your ear to His word, too. If you're in love with her, you need to be in love with God. Listen to Him just as you would to her. 

3. You need to have strong arms and shoulders. You need to know that while she is a very independent woman, she will occasionally need a shoulder to cry on and strong arms to hug her. Usually this will happen when the reality hits that she is no longer on a mission trip. She will most likely sob uncontrollably about missing all the people she loves so much. You know, the people she only knew for a few days or a few weeks. You may not understand how she can fall in love with all types of people and miss them so terribly that she literally has snot running down her chin. You will realize that to the naked eye this is wildly unattractive (the snot thing, that is), but her deep emotional bond with people she served will make her so beautiful. Tell her that. And when she tells you to shut up, do that, too. 

4. You need to have a complete understanding of the Stations of the Cross, the Rosary, Adoration (Holy Hour) and Daily Mass. If you do not have a complete understanding of these things, you must have a deep, sincere willingness to learn. Chances are a lot of her free time will be devoted to praying in all these forms. Even if she does not have free time, she will make time. She will get up at the crack of dawn for Mass. She will pray her Rosary between events of the day even while walking to and from various places. Adoration will be on her calendar every week. You might want to ask her to help learn these various forms of prayer. And do not reserve learning or praying to just moments with her. Do it on your own. While you're looking for ways to deepen your relationship with her, deepen your relationship with God. 

5. You need to understand that Katie D, Big T, Little T, Mama T, Mama Mare, SJ, Alphie and Iggy are not just other people.  These are her nicknames for the saints because the saints are not just holy and highly revered people in the Church. They are her friends. They will be referred to as such. Do not get jealous if she is spending a lot of time with Alphie, Iggy, TA, SJ or JC. These are the men that help her live her life. There words are important to her. Get on their level. 

6.  Do not take a declined date too personally. She probably can't actually go on the date because of a prior engagement such as Praise and Worship, Adoration, a walk with one of the six million nuns she knows, a skype date with one of them, or even a scheduled phone call. (Those are a real thing - nuns' schedules are VERY demanding and allow for few moments of free time). If she is already engaged in another activity during the time of your proposed date, compromise and ask if you can join her for Adoration or Praise and Worship. 

7. Understand her heart. Know that she will have a very hard time ever saying yes to going on a date with you. Her heart has been very much set on entering religious life for a very long time. Again, do not take it personally if she says she is not ready to date or if she must seek advice from one of her closest Sisters. Also understand that asking her Sisters for advice yourself may result in them telling you she is off the market because her heart isn't ready yet. Her Sisters will then direct you back to Number 2. If she trusts you, which she should considering you are already good friends, she will tell you why. She will tell you her discernment story. She will tell you about her prayer life. She will confide in you. Again, see Number 2. 

8. Know that being friend-zoned for Jesus really isn't that bad. Jesus is really your only competition, but you can't think about it that way. Jesus has always known her heart better than anyone ever will. She may join you on a diner date at eleven pm because that's her only free time, but at the end of the night, the last person she is speaking to will be Jesus. I highly suggest it being the same for you. Make Jesus the last person you talk to at night. Give as much priority if not more to your relationship to Him as you have for your relationship with her. 

9. Be able to lead her heart even deeper to Jesus. She will naturally lead you to Him. She kind of can't ever avoid talking about Jesus ever and it's kind of cute. Make your faith a priority. Make learning about it enjoyable. Invite her to prayer with you, don't always leave the holy stuff to the discerner. Get comfortable with talking about God's goodness. (Please note: when she says, "God is good." You MUST respond with "All the time." If she repeats you by saying, "All the time," YOU NEED TO RESPOND WITH "GOD IS GOOD.") Start recognizing the little things in your own life that are a gift from God - the sunrise, the sunset, the moon, the beautiful weather, the snow, the cold, etc. Lead her closer to Jesus by being the hands and feet of Jesus. If you don't know what that means, look up the teachings of Big T. Lead her to Jesus and not into temptation. 

10. You may only get to hold her hand during the Our Father. Do not take that for granted. You may also only get to hug her during the Sign of Peace. She's probably a cheek kisser (even to strangers); understand that the cheek kiss might be the farthest you EVER GET WITH HER. Her purity and chastity will always be a top priority in her life. Do nothing but uplift her dignity and promote her chastity. Then always pray the seat in the pew next to her is open. 

11. It's not going to be easy. She will share her spiritual battles with you. She will tell you outrightly when the devil is on her back and she needs help fending him off. Fight for her not with her. If she is having a hard time with her spiritual journey, her doubt or even where she should go on her next mission trip, pray with her. Understand that her spiritual battles will become your spiritual battles and yours will become hers. She understands suffering more than you can imagine and she will pray you through your battles. Pray her through hers. 

And finally...

12. Know that her heart belongs to God, no one else.  Even if on the off chance she actually says yes to going on a date with you, know that it was a very tough difficult decision her. She probably prayed for a few months or even close to a year about it. She asked God for direction and after so many times of you being there for her at Praise and Worship, walking her home from work, praying with her, she will know that maybe God needs her to go on a few dates or even date someone seriously for a little bit. She will still discern her vocation to religious life during your dating period but she will also give prayer devotion to the option of married life. You will have to understand that her weekends will sometimes be devoted to discernment retreats at different convents. She might also go on silent retreats where she will not contact you or anyone. It's her and God time. She will still experience spiritual battles, probably in a deeper capacity than before. She will need your strong arms and shoulders more often than before. And if, after praying so much about dating you, and seeking the positive advice of her Sisters who say "you need to serious, wholly, purely date someone before you can enter fully knowing this is your vocation," she decides that she will be your girlfriend for a little bit, know that she may very well still enter religious life. So if she dates you and eventually breaks up with you for Jesus, you can rest positively knowing that her heart belongs to God. Your job is to protect her, uplift her dignity and understand that God still may very well be calling her to religious life. Right now, God needs you to love her in all the purest ways possible.

      I think 12 tips on How to Date a Discerner for Dummies is good enough. I'm not suggesting you go out and find every girl who wants to be a nun or enter a religious community and try these tips on her, because they may not work. This method is not 100% guaranteed. However, these are my tips speaking from personal experience. They worked for someone I know and he is still very much aware of my deep discernment of religious life. In fact, one of our intentions every week is for clarity on our vocations. But that's another story for another time. This is Pt. 1 after all. 

I Survived Death Roe...Bea's Pro-Life Story

   If you were born after January 22, 1973, you have done an incredible feat. You have survived DEATH ROE! Most people have commonly heard the term Roe V. Wade and they know what it stands for. It was the event that LEGALIZED abortions in the US (oh what HORROR!!!) But most people don't know that, "Roe," Norma L. McCorvey, the woman for whom the bill was passed is now Pro-Life, regrets her decision to abort her unborn baby and now speaks all over the US. Maybe you've heard of Gianna Jessen, the woman who survived a saline solution abortion in the 7th month of her mother's pregnancy. And how about, Lila Rose, the college student who sneaks into Abortion Clinics and exposes cases of abuse. She is the founder of Live Action, her pro-life movement. These are all among the most well known, pro-life names. And yet, while all are such inspirations to me, there's one woman who tops it all: Beatrice Gutherman. Yep, my grandmother. 

    Mother of eleven children, she was the epitome of CATHOLIC FAMILY during her time. She was a stay-at-home mother who was involved in both the school of her children and the family Parish. Among all the things she did, her biggest fight was the fight for the right for life. Rumor has it, she was arrested twice and yet, never convicted for being a passive protester outside of Planned Parenthood. Rumor also has it that she told every young woman entering the Planned Parenthood that she would adopt her baby if she went through with the pregnancy. In the end, Bea never had to adopt any other children because those women, touched by her prayers and sincerity, always went through with their pregnancies and kept their babies. Rumor also has it that her Pro-life legacy lives on. Ok, so the first two are really true facts given to me by my Daddy and the last one, that's true, too, because I carry on her legacy. 

      I never knew Bea, but whenever I'm getting ready to fight for the right to life, I beg her intercession. Whenever I'm praying outside Planned Parenthood or Marching for Life, like I did Monday, I feel her presence with me. There's so much of my grandmother I wish I knew and yet, I've heard so many stories that I feel like she's my best friend. When I finally decided to discern the religious life, Bea was the one I wanted to talk to; no one else. I wanted Bea's opinion on it and I wanted her to be proud of me. From what my uncles' say, she'd be more than proud of me. I wanted Bea to hold my hand during Mass, or come visit me at school, or drive me to retreat, or pray with me, or even just sit and chat. Heck, I'd do anything if I could just get a hug from Bea and maybe it's asking too much, but a kiss on the cheek would be pretty great, too. There is SO MUCH I wish to have had from Bea, because I know I am her grandchild, her legacy and her pride and joy. And on nights like tonight, when my world seems to be crashing down, and I am doubting everything, I wish I could call Bea up and talk to her, have her pray for and with me, and maybe she'd visit me tomorrow if she could...if she was here. Maybe she'd make me skip classes and walk with me all day and let me cry with her arms wrapped around me. And while I may never know what Bea would have said to me about my discernment or my fights for the Catholic Church, I still feel her peaceful presence with me. And while I never knew her in this life, her life lives on through me and my legacy that I will leave on this earth. And in the long run, SHE is the very reason I am a Death Roe survivor. My Pro-Life story is her Pro-Life story and her legacy is my legacy.