Charism Connection

"Discernment has no beginning or ending; it lasts a lifetime.

It can change form, however, from a conversation and prayer

between you and God, to conversation and prayer

between you, God and your future spouse."

     Last weekend, I had the pleasure (truly, it is a pleasure) of traveling with five of my students and a colleague to Cleveland, Ohio, for our annual CSSJ Leadership Conference. It is during this conference that our students learn not only the importance of the charism, mission and history of the Sisters of Saint Joseph, but also the importance of being an active participant in it and furthering it through their lives as lay people. It is also during this conference that I am reminded of the importance of lay people ministering in the church. And thus, my most recent reflection. 

     There is no question that this blog began as a blog documenting the serious discernment of a young woman trying to find her vocation. There is no question that this blog remains the documentation of a young woman seriously discerning her vocation in life. Do I sound redundant? I have gone back and forth with deciding to blog about my recent engagement. We went back and forth about posting it on social media. But like all things, we took it to prayer and made a decision best for our hearts. So, I write this not because I feel I need to explain myself. But rather, because in the depths of my heart, I feel the need to express my blessings. 

      Joe and I decided to not post our engagement until about two weeks after the fact. He proposed to me on my 25th birthday and for about two weeks, we visited with friends and family, made phone calls and enjoyed sharing our joy as a newly engaged couple. We decided on a date, we decided on a venue, but we were still discerning how to spread the news to those we might not be able to visit or call; it would simply take our entire engagement to let people know. We decided that the easiest way was the make a subtle post on Facebook.

      I'll be honest, I was unsure about it. I didn't want to answer questions I felt people shouldn't ask. But God works in ways I will never understand. We were only met with complete support. You see, despite having been in a dating relationship with Joe for three years, I had previously very seriously discerned religious life. Many people who knew me in different ways, knew that I was always open about that discernment. But, I was also very open about dating Joe, too. Believe me when I say that dating him took a year of intense prayer and saying yes to him asking me to be his wife took three long years of prayer, getting to know him and myself better, and building an atmosphere of trust and love. It was far from a rash decision. 

      

     In the middle of our dating relationship, I came home from a trip with some of my friends who also happen to be religious sisters. I remember asking Joe to walk with me and talk with me about my experience. I was trying to break up with him. He held my hand as I told him how I felt and he simply said, "I will be there for you in the church when you make your vows, whether to the church or to me. I'll always be there for you." Needless to say, that set my confused heart free. Knowing that he would support me in either vocation was enough to make me love him even more, as cliche, perhaps, as it is to say. He's simply been one of my biggest supports for seven years. 

     And so, our relationship developed even more. We prayed together and on our own. My discernment, my conversation between me and God, changed forms. It wasn't just me and God anymore; it was me, God and Joe. And I have no doubt that God's hand has been in our relationship the entire time. Before we started our exclusive dating relationship, we both went to different countries. I went for mission work and he went for a pilgrimage. We took those two weeks apart to pray for each other and about our relationship. Simply put, I missed him. God has blessed me with Joe as my best friend in so many circumstances. He's the one who goes to every school function with me and seemingly loves my students more than I could love them. He cheers their teams on, gives them standing ovations and supports their charity events. He spends late nights with me shopping for retreat and sacrifices so much for me. He works long days and still makes it a priority to spend as much time as he can with me. 

     I think the most important thing about Joe is that he makes me laugh. Whether we are singing at the top of our lungs to Broadway music, kicking each other under the table as we play cards or making up stories just to pass the time, he makes me smile. He makes friends with every person he meets and constantly tries to cheer up the cashiers at Target. He tells funny stories and always tries to get people to smile. And when I'm having a really bad day, he just reminds me of all the funny moments we've shared together. He brings out the best in me. 

      So how does this connect with my CSSJ Leadership Conference? Well there's one small link. Sister Phyllis told the students that learning charism, mission and history is important because it's as if the founding sisters have found these students and said, "tag, you're it." On the last night in Cleveland, Sister Phyllis and I drove together in the car and I got to fill her in on the last year of my life. We had met three years previously and stay in touch as much as time allows. After filling her in, I thanked her. Not only for listening, but for teaching me, hands-on, how important lay people are in the ministry of the church. 

      While I had always believed that all vocations are equal in value, I didn't realize how important the lay ministry is in furthering the charism, mission and history of the sisters for whom one might work or by whom one was taught. In my own life, I have known well four communities of religious sisters. When I was discerning religious life, I was always unsure which community fit me best. I knew that was going to be the hardest decision and in truth, I felt connected to each so deeply. But in my conversation with Sister Phyllis she told me how special it makes me to have had all these experiences with so many communities. 

       Indeed, there are many aspects of each community that I hold deep in my heart. I've always felt so deeply connect to the Eucharist, family has remained an important staple in my life, I have a deep Marian devotion and I often invoke creative hope in many moments of life, but I also have a sincere passion for social justice. Besides, in each community there is some connection to Saint Joseph. So now, I have my own Joseph and within me burns these charisms, these missions, and yes, these histories. As a lay-woman, not only do I get to share these with my future spouse, but also with our children and with the people who I encounter day in and day out. I can further the charisms, missions and histories in simple conversation but also in the way I live. And this, perhaps, is why God sent me on this journey. 

      I know that I will never be able to figure out why God gave me this journey and I know that I still have so much to learn. But I know that God has never left my side, has never stopped answering my prayers, and will never stop being present in my life. I know that the outside world may be confused about my journey, but it's my journey and that journey includes Joe, and I am at peace with this beautiful journey. There is a story, there is trust, there is peace. And no, discernment is not over, I have not "made my decision" as if I was the cliffhanger everyone was waiting for. There are many decisions to be made, discernment will not end, it simply includes one more person. And with all this talk of charism, mission and history, well let me just say. My charism is this: Luke 2:19, my mission is furthering the church and my history is a herstory, but I'll save that for another time. 

Take Him to the Nunnery

"A stranger's hand clutched in mine
I'll take this chance, so call me blind
I've been waiting all my life...

just take my hand.

Touch my soul and hold it tight."

- Tori Kelly

    Last week I spent five days with some of my students in Pittsburgh on Alternative Spring Break. As part of this adventure, we  tapped into a Discernment Chat with a dear friend of mine, S. Angela. We logged onto A Nun's Life Ministries and began to ask S. Angela a number of questions about discernment and religious life. My students had been immersed in a variety of service projects and one of them included working with the elderly sisters of the community. This vocation chat was a good way for them to ask questions about religious life and get to know the community a little better. It helped greatly that I knew S. Angela. 

     One of the questions the girls asked her was if she ever dated before entering religious life. She answered yes and said that he supported her in her journey to religious life. We joked and said, "Life Goals: find you a boy who will support your discernment." The girls enjoyed listening to the story and found it fascinating that many sisters dated before entering a specific community (this was a trend they found in talking to various sisters of various religious communities). What was unique, however, was how the sister broke up (or didn't) with her boyfriend before entering. It was quite shocking to my students that so many sisters dated and of course, I said - thank goodness they did. 

     The activity was good for my students and it was great for me to be able to support my friend in her debut on the discernment chat. Of course, I was texting her at the same time, chatting about life. I told her that I had tears welling up in my eyes when she talked about the support hew boyfriend gave her when she was discerning. It home too closely and it made me miss that special person in my life. As we have had many conversations about my discernment, too. He always told me - I'll be in the church on the day you make your vows, whether to God or to me. Life goals, right? How did I get so lucky? I'm not really sure. But I've been blessed a hundredfold, that's for sure. 

    So he supports me, up and down. He knows that I love the sisters and will always have nun-radar. I will always strike up conversation with the sisters and I have mannerisms that are very nunny. He's even said to me, "that's very nunny of you." What a compliment. He knows that God is the top guy in my life and prayer life will be a requirement to our relationship always; adoration is my happy place and given the choice between daily Mass and going to breakfast, I'll take Mass. He is by my side through it all, even if it means getting up extra early, to drive to my house so we can go to Mass at the convent together. Yes, you read that correctly. This Sunday, we went to Mass at the convent together. 

     

    I had mentioned to another friend of mine, who I had just spent the week with, that I would meet her at Mass at the convent on Sunday so I could see her, this time in Philadelphia. The convent was a particularly favorite of mine, one in which I spent much of my high school and even college days. The sisters there have known me since I was a dorky, nerdy 14 year old and perhaps, in their eyes, I may always be that little girl who loves nuns so much with curly hair. For me, there is so much peace in that little chapel, so many memories and yes, so many tears. Going there always means going home. And it was time I took Joe to visit, so I invited (dragged) him along. 

      As we pulled into the driveway of the convent, I felt a knot twist in my stomach - was I actually bringing a boy to the convent? Yikes. It felt like I was taking him to battle with no armor. Yet at the same time, I felt the necessity to do this. I began to tell him about all the sisters, fun stories of this sister and memories of that sister. I mentioned that it would be a little crowded because there were lots of visitors and that he'd probably meet the Provincial Superior. I could see him getting more and more nervous. We walked in, I signed us into the building and one sister casually mentioned, "Oh you have a male with you." Yes, sister. Indeed I do. Yikes. Then we walked to the Chapel and as I attempted to scan the Chapel for an open pew, I heard another sister behind me whisper hello. So I introduced the two and then we found a seat. 

     After Mass, I could see so many heads turn as we walked into the dining room. I said hello to many of my friends, introducing Joe and as such a gentlemen, he chatted briefly with each sister. Then, naturally, he met the Provincial Superior. I said hello first, she hugged me tightly and then gave me the eyes that said so much. The "Oh this is the boy" eyes.  Without saying anything, we had a whole conversation. He was terrified. I was enjoying every second of it. Many sisters came over to say hello, chat briefly and move on. Everyone wanted to meet the young man who came to Mass with their Becky. And in the end, I think they all approved. 

      The whole morning, I could only think of S. Angela's discernment chat and of course, all the advice she ever gave me. Joe is, to her, "her favorite boyfriend." Her support to me has been never-ending, through the ups and downs of discernment, as truly all life is discernment. Discernment doesn't end when you make a huge life decision, it includes lots of people and continues on for every aspect of life. Many of the sisters have taught me this and now Joe is apart of life's never-ending discernment. Today, I can reiterate S. Angela "find you a boy who supports you in your discernment..." Better yet, find yourself a boy who will willingly go to Mass at the convent with you! 

How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 2

"Don't be afraid that a good guy 

won't love you because of your past. 

If he defines you by your past, 

he's not that good a guy."

- Jason Evert

    Okay, I know I promised that part two would come the day after but being a Campus Minister is sometimes overwhelming. We got back from our final Senior Retreat yesterday - I can breathe again. So like I said: this is a two part series. If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you do that before continuing on this one. Here's the link: How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 1. 

     I have been known as many things: teacher, student, sister, friend, confidant, listener, nutcase, retreat leader, but most commonly - nun-to-be. It is true; for the past seven years I have openly discerned a vocation to the religious life. It's obvious by the way I act out my faith, the way I openly talk about the Sisters and my love for them, my knowledge of community, and obviously, this here blog. While at first I was shy about discerning, I have become more and more open about discerning due to the fact that a. I have a story to tell and b. God has asked me to share my story to bring others closer to Jesus. I have done as the Lord has asked, I have received backlash, but more importantly I have received support. 

     Many people have asked to here my story and so I've told it many times. I never introduce myself as Becca, the girl who wants to be a nun. However, it seems that people can just tell; I wear my heart on my sleeve. I mean if you google my first and last name, all that comes up are pictures of me and a bunch of nuns. So. Many. Nuns. Discernment has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and in-betweens. Sometimes there have been straight drops, or even loop-de-loops or upsidedowns. I've loved it. It's been an adventure. Discernment, being with the Sisters, who I consider my best friends, is amazing. No matter how hard it gets, I love it. 

     So, of course, you're probably wondering why I wrote/am writing about dating a discerner. Well, here's the thing. I'm a discerner with a boyfriend. Yes, I said it. (It literally took me ten minutes and a lot of prayer to even write that sentence). It may sound extremely confusing because well, nuns don't date, don't marry, don't have literal families. Yes, I know that. But discernment is a life-long journey and this is part of it. 

     I have fondly referred to him as "the other JC" in many blog posts. Joseph is his name and he pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before I finally said yes to dating him. We had gone to school together for four years. We were friends but we didn't get close until we both decided to do Orientation together for two years in a row. He would occasionally try to hang out with me over the summer but we live an hour from each other and it was difficult for us to get together. The Summer before our Senior year, I remember going on a walk during one of our breaks during Orientation. He was talking about a girl he liked, someone he knew from reenacting and how to go about asking her out. Of course, I said, "If I were her, I would love...." (Sometimes I think it was a ploy to get me to spill the beans!). Things never worked out with her and at the beginning of our Senior year he decided to tell me how much he liked me. 

     To any other boy on campus, I was "off-limits." Everyone knew, including Joe, that I had my heart set on the convent. I was going to pay off my loans as soon as possible and discern entrance into a community. You know what the say about plans: if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. On occasion, Joseph would ask me on a date and I wold deny. Although one night after a long play practice, I was starving and I agreed to going out (very late) to the diner for breakfast at midnight. As I sat across the table from him, I found myself thinking: if only he had come around a few years before, I might have given this a chance. He opened the doors to his car and the building for me, he helped me with my jacket, he paid for my meal, he offered his arm for me to hold onto him so I wouldn't fall, he smiled gently, I questioned the plans I had. 

      There were a few other instances when I found myself agreeing to attending senior events with him but only as friends. I was sure that even if I did say yes to a date I would eventually break his heart. My fear of that combined with my heart feeling so ready for the convent pulled me away from him. Yet, full aware that the convent was still my choice, he pursued me in the purest ways possible: going to Mass (Sunday and daily) with me, joining the choir, praying with me, reading with me, learning more and more about his Catholic faith for and from me, and even going on retreat with me. He would leave me notes about praying for me and sometimes drop off flowers. He was so gentle and loving; it was hard not to find myself in chapel many nights in tears because I might have been falling for him. 

     I continued to go to discernment retreats with the Sisters and spend oodles of time with them. I was so happy and content after being with them that I was still so sure of my vocation. Yet, God would send Joseph into the Chapel sometimes while I was there. He would send him to my bedroom after I had ignored text after text just to have him hug me while I cried about not knowing. God sent Joe to be my escort to the Senior Ball dance during which I had so much fun being with the only other completely sober one in the room. We drove home at one in the morning blasting the same acoustic folk song the entire way laughing about all the fun moments we had just as friends. 

     I loved Joe for becoming one of my closest friends my Senior year of college but even at Baccalaureate Mass, while I was singing in the Motherhouse Chapel for the IHMs, I felt my heart bursting with joy and love for my vocation. Joe never made Baccalaureate as he was on a two week long pilgrimage/vacation with his family. The week before he came home, I left for Peru again with my best friend and a few other crazy girls and nuns. I had fallen in love even more with my vocation there. So why, only a week after coming home from Peru, did I say yes when Joe asked if he could introduce me to his reenacting unit as his girlfriend? Well, here it goes....

     Joe has done everything I mentioned in my previous post. He treated me like a princess before I ever said yes and has continued to treat me like a princess. He has never once pressured me into doing anything that would take me away from my vocation like other young men might. He was never in this to "get the girl" but rather to protect my heart. He saw something about me that even I didn't see in myself. He taught me to accept my beauty. He taught me that I'm worth it, a battle I have long fought. He taught me that I deserve every ounce of dignity and respect he gives me. He reminded me day after day that he was praying for me in my discernment. All this and we were only just friends. 

     I used to say that I had had my bout of dating. But the more I thought about it, the relationships I had in 8th and 9th grade were far from a true dating relationship. They were with young men, who after a while, wanted more than I could give. The more I thought about those relationships, the more I realized that they didn't know how to or weren't in this relationship to protect my heart. They weren't true dating relationships. Which, let me define a true dating relationship real quick: going on dates, just you and him; spending time walking down streets and holding hands; spending time having conversations in which you contemplate great works of literature or music; praying for one another; making the relationship about two people not one; and much more. In some way, I was disrespected in these relationships. It wasn't a real shot at discerning marriage - what dating truly ends up to be. 

      When I got so serious about religious life, I decided that the dating scene was no longer for me. Yet, once again God had different plans. Joe, the man with the same initials as Jesus, was sent into my life. Telling you that I spent nights crying and praying about dating him is an understatement. It was so hard. Letting someone love you is a very difficult thing to do, especially when it's hard to love yourself. Yet, God sent Joe to me in the most beautiful ways possible. 

      The Sisters tell me that I should pursue a real dating relationship before I enter so I know both sides of the story. Many Sisters have told me that their boyfriends were the ones, who after praying with them for so long, helped their final decision to enter the convent. Perhaps that is what Joe is meant to do for me; be the true and pure dating relationship and the one to help me fully understand my decision to enter religious life. It's scary sometimes, but I can now months later, openly admit that I am dating someone that God sent me. I am dating, I am discerning marriage and I am discerning religious life at the same time. And how, you may ask? Well let me just tell you a story. 

     Last night I had just come home from our last Senior Retreat. Joe was at work and I felt the desire to go out (despite being utterly exhausted). I went where my heart lead me. I came home to find a letter addressed to me from one of the Sisters. I took that as my sign to go see them. Within an hour I found myself traveling in a car full of nuns to the movie theater. As we watched the movie, we cried, linked arms, laughed, and had deep conversation about the movie after. When we got home, I found myself in the community room at almost ten at night chatting with one of my lifelong Sister friends about life. I called Joe when I got home and told him about my Nunny adventure. However, the whole ride home, I had tears of joy and question rolling down my face. 

      I still see my Sisters often. If I don't see them, I write them or text them or call them. I still discern my vocation to religious life. I love them, I love being with them, praying with them and loving others with them. There are nights when I tell Joe that I need to pray alone or journal, and he understands. He understands that I do not belong to him simply because we are dating. He knows that I, regardless of my vocation, belong to God. He is fully aware that I may still enter religious life. Every day he reminds me that he's praying for me as I discern my vocation.

     The truth is this: I have spoken to a few Sisters about this current dating relationship and they are happy. They are happy that I am happy. And I am, this is true. I still feel so much a part of me belongs to the Sisters and I will continue to discern with them. I know there will come a point and time where I will either have to break up with Joe or I will have to "break up" with the Sisters. Either way, I feel called to serve the Lord. I have given my life to Him already and the license to do with it as He pleases. I belong to the Lord. I am His. My heart belongs to God and I trust Him. God put Joe in my life for a reason and whether that reason is to simply so me love and self-worth or to spend the rest of his life with, I know that this is all God's plan. Of course, if I do enter religious life, I want him there with me. Heck, I'd love for him to be the one to drop me off at formation, wherever that may be, and hug me goodbye for a little while. I want him and his family there next to my family (oh that's the other great thing...his mom and grandmom and aunt all prayed and still pray for my vocation before Joe and I even started dating). I want Joe to be there when I make final vows. I want Joe to be a part of it, because he is only in my life because God wants him here. 

     So, that;s that. I finally admitted to having a boyfriend, after about nine months. I admitted to still discerning a vocation to religious life. I admitted all the things that so many people already knew. I am God's. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Jesus and I are still as in love as we were before Joe came into my life. And yes, I love Joe, too, for He is the one currently protecting my heart. I am blessed beyond all measurement. If you have any questions concerning my current state in life, take it up with God. He knows far better than I do. 

How To Date A Discerner For Dummies Pt. 1

"She doesn't belong to me, 

she belongs to God.

I am simply the caretaker of her heart on God's behalf."

- anonymous

      Every "For Dummies" book should come with a disclaimer. So the disclaimer for this blogpost: dating a discerner is not for the weak or faint of heart; if you do not already care more about her heart than yours, maybe you should put this book down. But then again, maybe you should pick it up. 

     Let's start at the beginning: who is a discerner? A discerner is someone on a journey to finding out his or her life vocation. A discerner is often serious about devoting time to prayer during which he or she speaks with God on the topic of his or her vocation to single life, married life or religious life. However, a discerner is never NOT a discerner as discernment is a life-long process. In this specific case, our discerner is a young woman very seriously discerning religious life. 

     You must have specific qualifications to even be considered for the dating process: you must be gentle, kind, loving, faithful, and obviously, you must be a devoted Catholic. Having a beard, musical talents and a love for adventure also helps. However, these are not required. 

     It's obvious she caught your eye from the very beginning. It was probably her unique selfless attitude by which she served a lot of people. Often this attitude has caused her to run into class a few minutes late, be late to a dinner arrangement, or even to work (but don't worry she works with nuns). You saw it in action when she would walk a sister arm-in-arm across the icy tundra called campus, or helped a lost visiting family but not giving them directions but rather giving them a personal tour, or perhaps by how she stayed up for hours consoling a friend or sister, or how she would spend odd hours of the morning or night praying Chapel for the entire world. 

     Another thing that caught your eyes was how she laughed joyfully at the simplest things like pillow fights and puddle jumping. You probably saw her walking around praying her rosary in sandals at every time of year. Maybe you heard her singing at Mass or sitting with the nuns in the cafeteria, a local restaurant or even driving somewhere. You admired her courage for truly living out her faith so actively. That being said, you probably witnessed her wildly defending her faith beliefs with Scriptural and Catechetical evidence. There wasn't a belief she couldn't prove to anyone. She was also a feminist which scared you but somehow made you really fall for her anyway. But overall, what captured your attention the most was her mysterious happiness. Even on her worst days, she could find joy. It was an awesome mystery and it made her so beautiful. 

     If you have agreed to any of the above, well, let's just say, I know your kind. I know your kind very well, as I am no stranger to being asked on dates (sounds pretentious, but seriously...I have lost track). So let me just give you a few tips for dating a discerner: 

1. You need to allot at least two hours every Sunday for Mass. She either is cantoring, reading or being a Eucharistic Minister, so she has to be there early. If, on the off chance that she is doing none of the three, she will be there early regardless. You know that black book she carries around that everyone calls her Bible? Well, it's not a Bible, it's a prayer book. She'll be found on St. Mary's side of church about midway at no later that a half hour before Mass. If you want to catch her eye, show up early. You better show special devotion to Joseph but also Mary. Of course, if you really want to catch her eye, ask her to teach you how to pray Divine Office/Liturgy of the Hours. She will teach you without even questioning why you want to learn (most young people do not know what Liturgy of the Hours is). Of course, if you are musically inclined, join the choir. 

2. You need to have a good ear for listening. And no, not just to her, but to God. Yes, listening to the woman you are pursuing is so incredibly important. While it may be difficult, you will have to listen to story after story after story about the nuns and all her Nun-Tastic days. She will tell you about so many nuns that you will get confused. Do not act confused. Worst case scenario, just refer to the nun in her story as Sister. It's okay if you struggle at first. She won't expect you to know all the Sisters' names like she does. She will tell you stories about people you may never meet like all the people she met on service trips. Listen. But again, you need to listen not only to her with full attention, but you need to listen also to God. While she is discerning her own vocation, you should be discerning yours. God is speaking to her heart and you need to attune your ear to His word, too. If you're in love with her, you need to be in love with God. Listen to Him just as you would to her. 

3. You need to have strong arms and shoulders. You need to know that while she is a very independent woman, she will occasionally need a shoulder to cry on and strong arms to hug her. Usually this will happen when the reality hits that she is no longer on a mission trip. She will most likely sob uncontrollably about missing all the people she loves so much. You know, the people she only knew for a few days or a few weeks. You may not understand how she can fall in love with all types of people and miss them so terribly that she literally has snot running down her chin. You will realize that to the naked eye this is wildly unattractive (the snot thing, that is), but her deep emotional bond with people she served will make her so beautiful. Tell her that. And when she tells you to shut up, do that, too. 

4. You need to have a complete understanding of the Stations of the Cross, the Rosary, Adoration (Holy Hour) and Daily Mass. If you do not have a complete understanding of these things, you must have a deep, sincere willingness to learn. Chances are a lot of her free time will be devoted to praying in all these forms. Even if she does not have free time, she will make time. She will get up at the crack of dawn for Mass. She will pray her Rosary between events of the day even while walking to and from various places. Adoration will be on her calendar every week. You might want to ask her to help learn these various forms of prayer. And do not reserve learning or praying to just moments with her. Do it on your own. While you're looking for ways to deepen your relationship with her, deepen your relationship with God. 

5. You need to understand that Katie D, Big T, Little T, Mama T, Mama Mare, SJ, Alphie and Iggy are not just other people.  These are her nicknames for the saints because the saints are not just holy and highly revered people in the Church. They are her friends. They will be referred to as such. Do not get jealous if she is spending a lot of time with Alphie, Iggy, TA, SJ or JC. These are the men that help her live her life. There words are important to her. Get on their level. 

6.  Do not take a declined date too personally. She probably can't actually go on the date because of a prior engagement such as Praise and Worship, Adoration, a walk with one of the six million nuns she knows, a skype date with one of them, or even a scheduled phone call. (Those are a real thing - nuns' schedules are VERY demanding and allow for few moments of free time). If she is already engaged in another activity during the time of your proposed date, compromise and ask if you can join her for Adoration or Praise and Worship. 

7. Understand her heart. Know that she will have a very hard time ever saying yes to going on a date with you. Her heart has been very much set on entering religious life for a very long time. Again, do not take it personally if she says she is not ready to date or if she must seek advice from one of her closest Sisters. Also understand that asking her Sisters for advice yourself may result in them telling you she is off the market because her heart isn't ready yet. Her Sisters will then direct you back to Number 2. If she trusts you, which she should considering you are already good friends, she will tell you why. She will tell you her discernment story. She will tell you about her prayer life. She will confide in you. Again, see Number 2. 

8. Know that being friend-zoned for Jesus really isn't that bad. Jesus is really your only competition, but you can't think about it that way. Jesus has always known her heart better than anyone ever will. She may join you on a diner date at eleven pm because that's her only free time, but at the end of the night, the last person she is speaking to will be Jesus. I highly suggest it being the same for you. Make Jesus the last person you talk to at night. Give as much priority if not more to your relationship to Him as you have for your relationship with her. 

9. Be able to lead her heart even deeper to Jesus. She will naturally lead you to Him. She kind of can't ever avoid talking about Jesus ever and it's kind of cute. Make your faith a priority. Make learning about it enjoyable. Invite her to prayer with you, don't always leave the holy stuff to the discerner. Get comfortable with talking about God's goodness. (Please note: when she says, "God is good." You MUST respond with "All the time." If she repeats you by saying, "All the time," YOU NEED TO RESPOND WITH "GOD IS GOOD.") Start recognizing the little things in your own life that are a gift from God - the sunrise, the sunset, the moon, the beautiful weather, the snow, the cold, etc. Lead her closer to Jesus by being the hands and feet of Jesus. If you don't know what that means, look up the teachings of Big T. Lead her to Jesus and not into temptation. 

10. You may only get to hold her hand during the Our Father. Do not take that for granted. You may also only get to hug her during the Sign of Peace. She's probably a cheek kisser (even to strangers); understand that the cheek kiss might be the farthest you EVER GET WITH HER. Her purity and chastity will always be a top priority in her life. Do nothing but uplift her dignity and promote her chastity. Then always pray the seat in the pew next to her is open. 

11. It's not going to be easy. She will share her spiritual battles with you. She will tell you outrightly when the devil is on her back and she needs help fending him off. Fight for her not with her. If she is having a hard time with her spiritual journey, her doubt or even where she should go on her next mission trip, pray with her. Understand that her spiritual battles will become your spiritual battles and yours will become hers. She understands suffering more than you can imagine and she will pray you through your battles. Pray her through hers. 

And finally...

12. Know that her heart belongs to God, no one else.  Even if on the off chance she actually says yes to going on a date with you, know that it was a very tough difficult decision her. She probably prayed for a few months or even close to a year about it. She asked God for direction and after so many times of you being there for her at Praise and Worship, walking her home from work, praying with her, she will know that maybe God needs her to go on a few dates or even date someone seriously for a little bit. She will still discern her vocation to religious life during your dating period but she will also give prayer devotion to the option of married life. You will have to understand that her weekends will sometimes be devoted to discernment retreats at different convents. She might also go on silent retreats where she will not contact you or anyone. It's her and God time. She will still experience spiritual battles, probably in a deeper capacity than before. She will need your strong arms and shoulders more often than before. And if, after praying so much about dating you, and seeking the positive advice of her Sisters who say "you need to serious, wholly, purely date someone before you can enter fully knowing this is your vocation," she decides that she will be your girlfriend for a little bit, know that she may very well still enter religious life. So if she dates you and eventually breaks up with you for Jesus, you can rest positively knowing that her heart belongs to God. Your job is to protect her, uplift her dignity and understand that God still may very well be calling her to religious life. Right now, God needs you to love her in all the purest ways possible.

      I think 12 tips on How to Date a Discerner for Dummies is good enough. I'm not suggesting you go out and find every girl who wants to be a nun or enter a religious community and try these tips on her, because they may not work. This method is not 100% guaranteed. However, these are my tips speaking from personal experience. They worked for someone I know and he is still very much aware of my deep discernment of religious life. In fact, one of our intentions every week is for clarity on our vocations. But that's another story for another time. This is Pt. 1 after all. 

The Long Awaited God Wink

"Everyday we find something new,

well this day I found you. 

I found love and joy all in one. 

You sent me back to where I once was.

There just ain't nothing else that compares."

- Trevor Hall, "You Find Me."

It has been over a month since I've written, and while some bloggers might apologize to their followers, I have to apologize to myself. Writing is often a form of prayer, a form of thanksgiving for blessings received, and I haven't stopped for a month to write. Of course, I know how long it's been since I've written because technology tells me. But what technology can't tell me is how long it's been since I've gone to daily Mass with the Sisters or how long it's been since I've prayed Morning Prayer with them. All I know is that my heart says it's been too long. 

    I told my students the Friday before I left that I had been waiting months to leave for Peru. In fact, my count down app told me that it was 74 days, 4 hours, 47 minutes the day I bought my ticket. It was so close but it wasn't close enough. However, to be completely honest, my job had me so busy that I really didn't have time to count down day by day. Occasionally, I would check the app and get giddy at the shortened length of time I had to wait. I got more and more excited as the days passed. Suddenly, it was the last day I needed to wait. I found myself telling story after story to my students. I found myself counting down the hours before I could leave the parking lot. I finished packing when I got home and started my adventure by going to the Mass for Our Lady of Guadalupe in Spanish. There was no better way to begin. 

    As I walked through the security at the airport after having checked my bags, reality began to hit me. In a few hours, I would be on a plane destined for my favorite country in the world in which lived a plethora of my favorite people. I sat in the airport waiting and waiting. I was surrounded by people who were waiting. All of us were waiting for something: to go home, to see loved ones, for a plane to arrive, for lunch to be served, for a business deal to be made, for a phone call, for a birthday wish. Waiting is always something that permeates airports and it was definitely permeating my heart. However, while I thought I was waiting for the plane to arrive to take me to Peru, there was a different waiting hiding in the deep crevices of my heart. 

      There is so much that happened on my adventure to Peru. I offered so many hours of service to various schools, I spent time with my dear Sisters, I met the families of some of the Sisters at the Christmas Gathering, I went shopping with a new friend, I attended the graduation of my CSA Students, I took a bus and got a little lost in a city I have loved for so long, I convent-hopped like a champ, I did so much more. But I also had many conversations with my Sisters, I joined them for daily Mass, I joined them for prayers, I walked arm in arm with them, I walked hand in hand with them, I held their hands during the Padre Nuestra, I celebrated life with them and I discerned with them. I served right next to them. I was a part of their love, their service, their lives. I was home. 

     Life has taken a road of different scenery in these past months. Now, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful scenery, something familiar, yet untouched for so many years. Yes, I've ventured out and experienced a lot of things different than what I have been used to. Yes, it's been worth the journey. But there always has seemed like there was something missing. The literal scenery changed when I got to Peru, but suddenly, I was back with my Sisters. I had been away from them for so long and finally, I was back, I was home. There was nothing more than that that I needed. Even if days were short and I did nothing more than go to Mass, pray, eat lunch with them, that was all I needed. My heart had been waiting the simplicity of their lives. 

     While so much had happened on my trip, there are two experiences that will always remain with me. Number one: my Montenegro adventure. There really are not enough words to describe the love that permeates the streets there. I got on an unfamiliar bus, rode to a place I had only visited twice, and walked the streets as if I had lived there for years. When my feet hit the dirt roads, there was something so overtly wonderful about the place. I looked to the hills and felt love. Sister George told me to go find my heart, the heart which I had left in Peru. I find it, Sister. I found it once again. But unfortunately, I left it there again. Between the bilingual conversations, my appreciation for the silence in my heart, and seeing the beautiful children at the posada, I couldn't have been happier. But I think the happiness was also present in the small convent community room while enjoying popcorn and homemade hot chocolate while watching CNN with the Sisters. It was present in the extra blanket left on my bed because it got chilly. It was present in the little chapel on the second floor with a beautiful view of a lit village on the hill. It was present in the front rose garden with it's freshly cut grass. It was present in the causa for lunch. I was happy there. My heart was so happy. 

      When I left Montenegro, there was a sadness in my heart. I was very quiet on the way back to Miraflores (and no, not just because Spanish was the main language in the care that day). I watched the hills fade behind me. I was still so filled with happiness, not just from my visit there, but from my time spent in all of Peru with so many of my Sisters. Before I knew it, I found myself in a little chapel I had never visited before - the one at Villa Maria, Miraflores. Sister Liz, my dear friend, ushered me to the chapel, just as she had many times before. I sat in the Chapel and within seconds, I had tears streaming down my cheeks. All my fears, my happiness, my doubts, my worries, my signs and confirmations came swelling out of my heart at once. I spoke right to Jesus...and even though it's been a while, He still listened. Suddenly, Sister Liz was back and with a gentle arm around my shoulders, she held me close like the big sister she is. She took me to the tabernacle, but my hands on the door, put hers on top of mine and prayed as so many of the others had - for my discernment. Of course, I didn't stop crying. 

       We went from there to Mass in the church down the street. I was sandwiched between two of my Sisters who graciously held my hands during the Padre Nuestra. I was exactly where I was meant to be because it was there that I had realized what I had been waiting for: God's confirmation. I hadn't prayed with my Sisters in such a long time...I was back where I was meant to be. It was the most perfect place to be. I had felt a change in heart, a change in scenery, back to the familiar and the amazing.

      I still had two nights in Peru at that point and those next two nights were the perfect nights. They involved pj parties with the nuns over two great movies, more prayer, more discernment in the day to day life. It was a busy time for me to visit because it was Christmas and the closing of the school year. At the airport before I left, one of the Sisters said she was sorry she couldn't have spent more time with me because it was such a busy time. I had no idea what she was talking about. I came not asking to be entertained, but to serve where God needed me to serve and to share the life of my Sisters for the week. What I needed was a week of prayer with my Sisters. What my heart had been waiting for was those simple moments of small conversations, daily hugs and kisses, the knowledge of permeating love. There was nothing more that I could have asked for. Those small moments with each of my Sisters were what my heart needed - a reminder of what I have been called to do. 

    I didn't cry when I said my good-byes, I cried when I woke up and saw the most beautiful sunrise from the window seat 25F. I cried then because I realized how much love I had just left behind. I had left my heart in Peru again. In fact, I think it has a permanent spot there with my Sisters. I cried because of how much God had spoke to my little heart in such little time. It was simply amazing how wonderfully blessed I felt. The reverse culture shock, that is, the shock of not having five beautiful women of God right next door or down the hallway, was the hardest adjustment. Even now, I am suffering from the reality that they are not with me. Yet, I know they are always in my heart. I love them each so much, more than can ever imagine, and I am grateful for the prayerful week they gave me. 

      In all my waiting, I felt a small solidarity with Mary and Joseph who had awaited the birth of their Son for so long. However, the difference was that they were blessed with the birth of a baby. Me on the other hand, experienced a re-birth of God in my soul, happiness in my heart and knowledge of the future. I could not thank my Sisters enough for being the pathway through which God reach me. It was a long awaited God wink and it only took me 9 days in a country, almost 4000 miles away, for me to realize that not only had God always been there, but that I needed a re-birth. And now, to live for Jesus with this renewed spirit of mine. 

     To all of my Sisters in Peru, thank you for the gift of your hugs, kisses, time and words. I could not possibly thank you enough for all the love you showed me this past week. It was a perfect discernment week in a perfect place with some perfect people. I love you each so much, and yes, I already miss you. Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo. 

Sunflowers and Sisters

"Never say goodbye because
saying goodbye means going away
and going away means forgetting."
- J.M. Barrie

One of my favorite pictures with this lovely lady.
Circa. Summer 2011

      I was mid-conversation with a friend when the phone started beeping telling me there was another call waiting for me to answer. When I saw the name, I immediately cut my friend off and said, "I'll call you back. This is important." I could barely contain my excitement when I heard her voice on the other end. "Hi Sister..." Before I knew it, I was jumping in the car and racing to see her at the Mount. 

     It had been months since I'd seen her last. In fact, as part of our hellos, we were trying to figure out how long. "Well, you were in Chicago for vows," she said. But then I responded, "But I saw you for a few minutes when I stopped over in Chicago before going to Minnesota." We laughed and agreed. Yes, the last time we had seen each other was in passing for only a few minutes. It was enough for a hug before I was off and running to the next state. Yes, it had been months, yet, it seemed as if it was only yesterday we had had our last conversation. It was so easy to pick right back up where we left off the months before. 

     Usually, I write an exact recent moment in my life but today, I'm going to write a piece of my past and a piece of my discernment story. After our brief hour together yesterday, I decided that I would (sleep in and) join Sister for Mass before she headed back "home." She mentioned that she would be leaving right after Mass and I told her that spending time with her in Mass was just as good if not better than talking for an hour. She agreed and so, this morning, I found myself in an all too familiar setting. Together we prayed and celebrated Mass; it was beautiful. As I was leaving, she mentioned that we've been close for a very long time. That's when I said, "This September, it will be eight years since we met." Both of us let that sink in for a few seconds and I hugged her again. Even though I know I'll see her again soon enough (perhaps in a few months), it's always hard to say goodbye to the woman that has been one of the most influential people in my life. 

     Sister David was the first Sister I ever had as a teacher. I grew up with the Sisters of the Blessed Sacrament, so I knew nuns, but I never had one as a teacher. We took semesterly Theology classes so I didn't have Sister David until January but I knew who she was and was secretly in awe of her. I couldn't wait to have her in class. When I finally did get to have her in class, I noticed her all around joy. She was always happy, go-lucky, it seemed and there was something about her that I just wanted to share. I remember studying Old Testament Theology with her, I remember her singing with us, I remember her bouncing around the classroom, super excited for the day. I had her 8th period and I remember trying to think of questions to ask her after class just so I could talk with her (I'm such a nerd, still...) One question I asked her in particular was about what I was doing for Lent. I asked her, "Sister, my boyfriend and I are going to be reading the Bible for Lent. Is there any place we should start?" I think part of her was a bit crushed that I had a boyfriend, but she was happy that we would be reading the Bible. To be honest, I don't remember what she answered. At the end of the year, I hung back after class and asked her to sign my yearbook. I hugged her good-bye for the Summer and left the classroom thinking, next year I must get to know her better. 

      Over the summer between Freshmen and Sophomore years, I broke up with my boyfriend and thought it was really time to focus on what God might be calling me to do with my life. (Long story short, I had been talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of being a sister....yeah....he didn't like that very much). Fast forward to maybe early October of my Sophomore year. I spent the night writing and re-writing a letter to Sister David before I finally conjured up the right words. I begged my best friend the next morning to go with me to her office (she was the disciplinarian, you see) so that I could drop the letter off. Lucky for me, she wasn't in her office. So, I dropped it on her desk and BOLTED out of there. I was praying and hoping that she would read it and NEVER SAY ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT EVER. But alas, as I was headed into my French class, there she was, waiting for me. "How about you stop by my office tomorrow after school?" Oh no. She read my letter. NOW she wanted to talk about it? I hesitated but something deep down inside forced me to say okay. Yes, little sophomoric me agreed to chat with Sister about my letter. 

       The next day, I found myself down in her office. It was a Wednesday (because that's the day she did detentions) and a dress-down day. We sat in her office for at least an hour and a half as she addressed every single thing I wrote in my letter. You see, my letter was all about how I felt that I was being called to religious life. I told her that I was scared and nervous about saying anything. I didn't know what it meant, I had not a clue what to do about it. She sat next to me and assured me that it was totally okay to be feeling called to religious life. She told me that Sisters are just as human as every other human being. But the most important thing that she told me was that she would be right next to me the entire journey. She would be praying for and with me. I didn't know how true her words were then. But almost eight years later, she's still journeying with me. 

     The rest of my high school career, Sister David became a mentor. She mentored me in everything from my discernment to making college decisions to even research topics for Senior Research Paper. So many of the Sisters at Nazareth influenced me greatly in my four years there but she was the one who listened to my every nun-related fear. I knew come graduation, it was going to be difficult to say good-bye to her. God, however, had different plans. Because today, years after my graduation, I got to laugh with her as if she was my long lost best friend. 

     Sister David never once ceased writing to me when I was at college. Every so often, I would get a letter in the mailbox from her. She loved to write little cards with little messages to people (I even got one this morning). And I, of course, always loved to receive them. When I was home for break, we somehow always managed to meet up. Often, we would go for a walk around school or even her humble abode, just to catch up with one another. She has a memory like an elephant, by the way; she remembered almost everything I ever wrote to her about when I was at college. Of course, last summer she got transferred...not just to a different convent, or to a different state BUT TO A WHOLE OTHER PART OF THE COUNTRY. Needless to say, I thought the world was ending. How was I going to live without my best friend? 

     But here we are a year later, and I've seen her quite a bit. Every so often, we call on the phone and it's like there hasn't been a month's lapse of time between the last time we spoke and that moment. She still writes to me often...in fact, more often than ever before. I'm always getting cards in the mail from her and I'm always sending something in response. She'll be getting one soon enough from me. Seeing her these past two days, even if it only was for a little bit, was a God moment for me. She has taught me so much in her witness of religious life. She has shown me gentleness and kindness. She has shown me tears and faith and love, incredible love for every person she has ever met. But probably the most important thing she ever taught me from day was is that if I wholly and totally depend on God, He will always take care of me.

      As we were saying good-bye today, I tried to hold back tears. Yeah, I know, I'm a big baby, but she's been journeying with me for the past eight years and it's been a very crazy journey. She's listened to my pains, my fears, my hesitations. She's wiped away countless tears (she always has a tissue in her pocket, just in case) and has been a caring shoulder to cry on. Of course, she's also shared many laughs, smiles and good times with me. I laugh so much with her; she is joy. We laughed as we hugged goodbye one more time. I didn't want her to go, but another thing she has taught me is that one must make their home wherever God sends her. Go with God and nothing will go wrong. She told me to listen to my heart. I called her Grandmother Willow. 

     Sister David, a constant companion, mentor and friend, has stood by me on my crazy journey. We shared so much in the little hour that we had together yesterday, just as if it hadn't been months since our last visit together. She's amazing. I secretly think she might be an angel. And she has been such a key player in my discernment story. One of the last things she said this morning was that no matter where I go, it's between me and God and I can't let anyone else influence that decision. No matter where I go, she will always continue journeying with me as my Sister in prayer. I smiled as I walked away and said, "Self. Do not cry. Your mascara will run and you'll look like a fool." So instead, I smiled and already started looking forward to the next time I'll see this beautiful woman of God. Maybe I'll take a road trip soon. As I thought of all my blessings in simply seeing her and praying with her, I couldn't help but remember that in the Chapel, there right in front of the altar, were sunflowers. 

Be YOU

"To be yourself in a world that is

constantly trying to make you someone else

is the greatest accomplishment."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Let's do this again," she said to me as we pulled into the infamous circle of Nazareth Academy, "it's been too long." When we got upstairs, she turned to me, hugged me and said, "We haven't had this long or deep of a conversation since...Kairos." Of course, this made me laugh because as much as I didn't want to think it was true, it probably was. Sister Teresa and I go way back, almost eight years now that I think about it, which is a pretty long time. Once upon a time she had me in awe as she told the story of her relationship with God based on the Scripture verse engraved on her ring (Song of Songs 2:16). She helped me through my "I hate math" mid-life crisis. But most importantly, she was my Kairos group leader my Senior year of high school. While the many mini moments I had with Sister Teresa through high school were true blessings, the weekend of Kairos told me that she was someone I had to keep in my life for a very long time. 

      I have always had the tendency of waking up early. Even now, when I'm not in school and have no place to be (usually) before  8:50 (because Mass is at 9:00, I am up long before the alarm goes off. My alarm is set for 7:30 in the Summer and I'm always up right before 6:00. My internal clock never takes a vacation. Of course, even when I don't have an alarm clock, this happens. On the Saturday of Kairos, I was up long before our wake-up call which was at, well, I don't know what time. I crept out of my room with my journal and went to watch the sunrise from the back porch. I remember writing about the beauty of the sun and how at peace I felt. In the quiet of the morning, Sister Teresa came bustling through the front door of our house, waved, headed to her room and then re-routed to come talk to me. I was sitting on the couch right in front of the window and she knelt down in front of me and took my hands in hers. She looked me straight in the eye and began to assure me that no matter what she would always care about me. 

      You see, the week before I was scheduled to go on Kairos, I had made it known to the school community and the Sisters that I would be going to Immaculata University for college. I was accepted with scholarship and I was planning to be a Theology major. I was excited but I wasn't excited to tell the Sisters. You know, the Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth have a college in the backyard of my high school which also happened to have a Theology major. But, I didn't choose that college. I didn't even apply. I applied to a university sponsored by a different community of Sisters and I was sure I was never going to hear the end of it. 

      During that conversation that Sister Teresa and I had that morning she not only told me that she was never going to stop caring about me, but that she was proud of me. She was proud of me for breaking a mold that might have been seemingly set for me. I was branching out and that was healthy and good. She told me that regardless of whether I went to Immaculata or Holy Family she would always be my Sister and stand behind me 100%. I cried. It was the first time I had ever cried in front of someone else. I cried so much and I never forgot that conversation. 

     In the past four years, I've had many visits with Sister Teresa but never ones that last more than an hour and most definitely not ones that last the whole day. However, today we had a great visit. I found myself at the great Naz Acad at ten am and I didn't leave until about 2:30 in the afternoon. Somewhere in between sharing stories and pictures, we ate lunch. I told her all about graduation and my recent journey to Peru. I told her about job searching and other things. We even talked about extremely nunny things like her recent addiction to EWTN and the NCSW conference I went to in March (and all the topics that came along with that). But we also talked about the future...the religious life future. 

     The thing that I love about Sister Teresa the most is that she is a woman is not afraid to say what she thinks. She is blatantly honest and I admire that about her. As we were sitting in her office she said, "It doesn't matter if I'm sitting at your vows in the Nazareth Provincialate or the IHM Motherhouse or even at your wedding, I'm still going to love you as my little sister. And we, both communities, need to be mature enough to support you in whatever you choose." I laughed at the wedding part, but she assured me that regardless of wherever I end up, she'd be there. But that wasn't all that really touched my heart today with her. 

      She later went on to tell me that I cannot make my decision of a community based on whether or not I would be disappointing one community or the other. Many Sisters have told me this in recent weeks; that my decisions have to made me for me not for others. But Sister Teresa went a little deeper than anyone else had. She reminded me of something I always quote, "Be who you are and be that well." She told me that God made me to be me, not to be the person others expect me to be. At the end of life God is not going to judge me on how well I lived up to others' expectations. He is going to judge me on how well I lived the life HE asked me to serve. I cannot enter a community based on the expectations of the Sisters. I need to enter the community that God has chosen for me. 

      I have heard in many conversations that "If they love you, they will understand your decision and they will support you regardless." While that sentence is comforting to some, there is so much questionable about it. There is no question about the fact that one day I will enter one community and not the other. Let's talk about the middle part of the seemingly comforting sentence, "...they will understand your decision..." Chances are, if this is said about the community that I do not enter, they may not understand my decision to enter the other community.  There are some good chances that even the community I do enter might not understand all that went into my finally making the decision. There is an even greater chance that I, myself, might not wholly understand my decision. However, I know that at the moment of entrance, I will be at peace because that is where God wants me. The understanding may not come for months or even years. 

     The next part of the sentence, "...they will support you regardless." Well yes, one would hope. But what if entering one community means losing friends in the other community? That has always been a fear of mine and I believe it is a valid fear. It is statistically proven that when someone enters into a serious, romantic relationship, he or she loses about two friends in the process, if only because time no longer allows. There is no question that the communication will be harder, but because I love so much, I fear the loss of friendships. 

     Of course, the first part of the sentence, "If they love you..." Well, if maybe the community that I do not enter doesn't quite yet understand my decision to enter the other community or necessarily support me all the way because of emotions getting in the way, well, did they ever love me in the first place? Because if they did love me, they would understand right away. They would support me. But the truth is, religious women are just as human as you and I and the understanding and support might not be there  right away. But that doesn't mean they didn't care about or love me. However, the words play tricks on the mind. 

      Sister Teresa reminded me today that I need to not think about the people when discerning and choosing the community that's a good fit for me. It's not that one community isn't good and the other is, but it will mean that one community's charism and ministry fits me better than the other. I cannot allow personal relationships to get in the way of my decision-making. I cannot say to myself, "This Sister might be disappointed if..." because at that moment that Sister is expecting me to be someone other than the ME God is asking me to be. I need to remember to be true to the ME God wants and not the someone else others may be expecting me to be. But also, I need to remember humility because I have a fear that people might be disappointed if I didn't choose their side but really who I am to think that the one little person I am might cause an entire community years of misery because I did not join them. Oh yes, this is a reality check for me. This is a humility check. Who am I? 

     Sister Teresa's message to me today isn't just one for a young woman discerning between two communities but it is for all of us. So often we get caught up in living up to the expectations of others'. Perhaps we are afraid to disappoint our families, our parents, our children, our friends, our workplaces, etc. However, we must remember that these people are holding us to expectations that may not be in conjunction with the expectations God has for us. We need to live to be the US God wants us to be not the people others are expecting us to be. We need to be the best us in accordance to what God desires. We need to be who we are according to who God made us to be. We need to remember that at the end of life God will not ask us about how many times we lived up to others' expectations; He will ask us how we measured up to what He desired. Of course, we also need to remember that if we happen to be disappointing to someone, it won't be the end of the world, we are not the only person who exists in the that person's life; our inability to live up to their expectations will not be the end of the world. So, be YOU. Be the YOU God wants not the person others are expecting. YOU must be YOU. 

Celeb Status

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself;

it's thinking of yourself less."

C.S. Lewis

"A picture is worth a thousand words and YOU have two pictures."

- Princess Diaries

    I was out for the count for my post-Mass nap. As I was laying in bed, my phone started going off. I thought it was my alarm and thought, it couldn't possibly be an hour gone by yet. I pick my phone up off of my dresser and look at it: emails, facebook posts, texts all congratulating me on something. Confused, as anyone would be upon being woken up in a stupor, I began to read the notifications. "Great article! Congrats!" everyone seemed to be saying. I was still confused. Then I got a forwarded email with a link to an article. Suddenly, I realized this article was all about me. 

    Six and a half years ago, I found myself in Sister David's office. Although she was the disciplinarian at the time, I was not in her office because I had racked up too many demerits. Earlier in the week, I had left a letter on her desk mentioning that I maybe was possibly thinking about religious life. She read the letter and within a few class periods stopped me in the hallway to ask me to visit her the next day. Needless to say, I was terrified. Despite the fact that she was my teacher the year before, I was suddenly scared out of my mind. What was she going to tell me? 

     We sat adjacent to each other in her office. I could barely speak and I know I was nauseous because I was so nervous, so she did most of the talking. Out of all the things she said to me, what I will always remember is this: she took my arm and pinched my skin a little bit while saying, "Bec, you and I are the same flesh and blood. Sisters are just as human as you are on the outside. But on the inside, I'm experiencing something you want - God's love." I'm sure I was beaming ear to ear when I left her office - she supported me. 

      Later that night I remember thinking, oh well duh, of course she supports me - she's a nun. I began to think about what all my friends would say, what my family would say. No one entered the convent anymore as far I knew. All the Sisters I knew were (sorry, Sisters), were my grandparents' and parents' ages. There I was, a 15 year old girl, wanting to be a Sister. I couldn't possibly tell anyone because the would most likely tell me it was a dumb decision, not good for me, etc. However, slowly but surely I began to mention the possibility of being a sister to my friends. And when I did, I was met with nothing but support. 

     The idea of being a Sister is never something I've flaunted. I've been honest about it when people ask, but usually I'm not the one who brings it up. Unless, of course, I happen to randomly meet some nuns during my day. Then, I always ask them to keep me in their prayers as discernment in today's day and age isn't easy. But other than this blog, which I started for the sole reason to keep my family members and friends informed of my journey, I don't usually proclaim "Oh hey, I wanna be a nun" to the world. It brings way too much attention to me and away from God. 

     When Sister Kim called me one random day during Spring Break to tell me that she dropped my name to a journalist who writes for the Inquirer, I got nervous. Yet, I truly believe that God sets all things up as His plan for me, so I went with it. The next thing I know, I was on the phone with the journalist planning a date to meet at school. Within the next week, the two of us were sitting in the Gabriele Library at Immaculata and I was sharing my story. My story ... my story. Suddenly someone was interested in my story and there I was telling it. 

     There's a part of me that really debated whether or not I wanted to share my story. For one, it would mean a lot of focus on me and that's not something I do well. But more importantly, it was the concept of being vulnerable. I knew that the Philadelphia Inquirer was a big deal and sharing my story with the journalist meant sharing it with the world. Was I ready to allow myself that vulnerability? It wasn't as if it was an unleashing of a secret (or so I thought...); this was something I so passionately live out in my day to day life. Yet, I hadn't even shared parts of my story with my closest friends or with some of the sisters. But, like I said earlier, God set this up; I had to go with it. 

     The next week they asked me to go "be natural" and have my picture taken. I'm sorry to admit, my pictures aren't exactly "natural." Me being natural is terrifying...okay, but really, my hair is usually in a pony-tail or bun, I'm usually in yoga pants or leggings, and most days I'm too lazy to put makeup on. But for the world, I made myself somewhat presentable. As we walked into the library, I asked the photographer if she wanted a nun in the pictures. When she said yes, I used a not so library tone voice to ask Sister Annette if she wouldn't mind modeling with me. She laughed and agreed right away and to make things interesting, she not only posed with the IHM Community History book, but she also read it outloud to me. I was laughing so hard, it's a wonder my picture wasn't me with my mouth wide open. Regardless, it was an interesting moment in my life and thankfully no one stopped me to ask why I was being photographed in the library. 

     Weeks past and in all the busy-ness of my last semester, I kind of forgot about the article even coming out. That was until my phone started blowing up Wednesday morning, waking me up from my post-Mass nap. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the amount of publicity this article was getting. University communications hopped right on it and not only emailed it to the entire faculty but also posted it on the Facebook page. In addition, my alma mater posted it on their Facebook page. I stopped counting how many times people tagged me in their sharing of the post on Facebook. Even today, when I scroll down my Facebook page, it's a million pictures of my face. Administrators of IU were emailing me, congratulating me, and students who I had never had more than a simple conversation with, stopped me on campus to thank me for my witness. Of course, the nuns could always be counted on for some sass as a few of them stopped me to ask for my autograph. I was given so many hugs, so much outpouring of love and of course, the sassiness from my best friends telling me to take a look at the comments of the article to get a laugh. (SIDENOTE: apparently I'm a really cute nun wanna-be). 

      What fascinated me was a few things. First of all: the length of the article and the beautiful positive reception it was gaining. I had been so nervous about sharing my story and I couldn't help but smile because I knew God was using it as a means to spread the Gospel. Second of all: the amount of people on campus that didn't know about my discernment. I realize that I don't flaunt it or shout it out from the rooftops, but I thought I wore my heart on my sleeve. My favorite comment was from my Sophomore Spanish professor who said, "I never knew but you know what, it makes sense." I couldn't help but laugh and thank him. Students and faculty members I didn't really know were suddenly hugging me and asking me to share even more of my story. I was amazed. By Wednesday night, I was exhausted. 

     It didn't end there, however, because yesterday at work the nunnies were prouder than a mom with a honors student, and even today, I had a few of my peers from high school friend request me so they could extend their congratulations. I've even had a few phone calls. How good this has been for my humility. Truly this has driven me to look at myself in even more a humble light. It's not every day I have nuns, students, professors knocking at the door of heart and expressing their congratulations. This has shown me that one simple word or expression can change the world. It's not about me...it's about the calling to serve God. It's about giving Him all the glory by my expression of service to Him. 

     My celeb status (I hope...) will eventually wear off but I'm sure I'll be surprised in a little while when people ask if I'm that girl from the paper. I mean even the IHM Mother General's mom saw the article and asked Sister Lorraine if she knew me. She was fascinated when she told her she had just seen me at work. Shout out to G-Mama G, you go girl! Of course, one thing I'm really excited about concerning this article is all the nunnies who are now willing to share their stories with me. Hey, I'll take all the Sister Coffee dates I can get in this last week of school. 

     It's been a blessing and truly a mark of humility but also a reminder from God that this is truly my call for greatness as a young person. God is good...all the time. All the time....God is good. Thank you for all your prayers and support. Remember: you, too, can change the world!