Charism Connection

"Discernment has no beginning or ending; it lasts a lifetime.

It can change form, however, from a conversation and prayer

between you and God, to conversation and prayer

between you, God and your future spouse."

     Last weekend, I had the pleasure (truly, it is a pleasure) of traveling with five of my students and a colleague to Cleveland, Ohio, for our annual CSSJ Leadership Conference. It is during this conference that our students learn not only the importance of the charism, mission and history of the Sisters of Saint Joseph, but also the importance of being an active participant in it and furthering it through their lives as lay people. It is also during this conference that I am reminded of the importance of lay people ministering in the church. And thus, my most recent reflection. 

     There is no question that this blog began as a blog documenting the serious discernment of a young woman trying to find her vocation. There is no question that this blog remains the documentation of a young woman seriously discerning her vocation in life. Do I sound redundant? I have gone back and forth with deciding to blog about my recent engagement. We went back and forth about posting it on social media. But like all things, we took it to prayer and made a decision best for our hearts. So, I write this not because I feel I need to explain myself. But rather, because in the depths of my heart, I feel the need to express my blessings. 

      Joe and I decided to not post our engagement until about two weeks after the fact. He proposed to me on my 25th birthday and for about two weeks, we visited with friends and family, made phone calls and enjoyed sharing our joy as a newly engaged couple. We decided on a date, we decided on a venue, but we were still discerning how to spread the news to those we might not be able to visit or call; it would simply take our entire engagement to let people know. We decided that the easiest way was the make a subtle post on Facebook.

      I'll be honest, I was unsure about it. I didn't want to answer questions I felt people shouldn't ask. But God works in ways I will never understand. We were only met with complete support. You see, despite having been in a dating relationship with Joe for three years, I had previously very seriously discerned religious life. Many people who knew me in different ways, knew that I was always open about that discernment. But, I was also very open about dating Joe, too. Believe me when I say that dating him took a year of intense prayer and saying yes to him asking me to be his wife took three long years of prayer, getting to know him and myself better, and building an atmosphere of trust and love. It was far from a rash decision. 

      

     In the middle of our dating relationship, I came home from a trip with some of my friends who also happen to be religious sisters. I remember asking Joe to walk with me and talk with me about my experience. I was trying to break up with him. He held my hand as I told him how I felt and he simply said, "I will be there for you in the church when you make your vows, whether to the church or to me. I'll always be there for you." Needless to say, that set my confused heart free. Knowing that he would support me in either vocation was enough to make me love him even more, as cliche, perhaps, as it is to say. He's simply been one of my biggest supports for seven years. 

     And so, our relationship developed even more. We prayed together and on our own. My discernment, my conversation between me and God, changed forms. It wasn't just me and God anymore; it was me, God and Joe. And I have no doubt that God's hand has been in our relationship the entire time. Before we started our exclusive dating relationship, we both went to different countries. I went for mission work and he went for a pilgrimage. We took those two weeks apart to pray for each other and about our relationship. Simply put, I missed him. God has blessed me with Joe as my best friend in so many circumstances. He's the one who goes to every school function with me and seemingly loves my students more than I could love them. He cheers their teams on, gives them standing ovations and supports their charity events. He spends late nights with me shopping for retreat and sacrifices so much for me. He works long days and still makes it a priority to spend as much time as he can with me. 

     I think the most important thing about Joe is that he makes me laugh. Whether we are singing at the top of our lungs to Broadway music, kicking each other under the table as we play cards or making up stories just to pass the time, he makes me smile. He makes friends with every person he meets and constantly tries to cheer up the cashiers at Target. He tells funny stories and always tries to get people to smile. And when I'm having a really bad day, he just reminds me of all the funny moments we've shared together. He brings out the best in me. 

      So how does this connect with my CSSJ Leadership Conference? Well there's one small link. Sister Phyllis told the students that learning charism, mission and history is important because it's as if the founding sisters have found these students and said, "tag, you're it." On the last night in Cleveland, Sister Phyllis and I drove together in the car and I got to fill her in on the last year of my life. We had met three years previously and stay in touch as much as time allows. After filling her in, I thanked her. Not only for listening, but for teaching me, hands-on, how important lay people are in the ministry of the church. 

      While I had always believed that all vocations are equal in value, I didn't realize how important the lay ministry is in furthering the charism, mission and history of the sisters for whom one might work or by whom one was taught. In my own life, I have known well four communities of religious sisters. When I was discerning religious life, I was always unsure which community fit me best. I knew that was going to be the hardest decision and in truth, I felt connected to each so deeply. But in my conversation with Sister Phyllis she told me how special it makes me to have had all these experiences with so many communities. 

       Indeed, there are many aspects of each community that I hold deep in my heart. I've always felt so deeply connect to the Eucharist, family has remained an important staple in my life, I have a deep Marian devotion and I often invoke creative hope in many moments of life, but I also have a sincere passion for social justice. Besides, in each community there is some connection to Saint Joseph. So now, I have my own Joseph and within me burns these charisms, these missions, and yes, these histories. As a lay-woman, not only do I get to share these with my future spouse, but also with our children and with the people who I encounter day in and day out. I can further the charisms, missions and histories in simple conversation but also in the way I live. And this, perhaps, is why God sent me on this journey. 

      I know that I will never be able to figure out why God gave me this journey and I know that I still have so much to learn. But I know that God has never left my side, has never stopped answering my prayers, and will never stop being present in my life. I know that the outside world may be confused about my journey, but it's my journey and that journey includes Joe, and I am at peace with this beautiful journey. There is a story, there is trust, there is peace. And no, discernment is not over, I have not "made my decision" as if I was the cliffhanger everyone was waiting for. There are many decisions to be made, discernment will not end, it simply includes one more person. And with all this talk of charism, mission and history, well let me just say. My charism is this: Luke 2:19, my mission is furthering the church and my history is a herstory, but I'll save that for another time. 

Be YOU

"To be yourself in a world that is

constantly trying to make you someone else

is the greatest accomplishment."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Let's do this again," she said to me as we pulled into the infamous circle of Nazareth Academy, "it's been too long." When we got upstairs, she turned to me, hugged me and said, "We haven't had this long or deep of a conversation since...Kairos." Of course, this made me laugh because as much as I didn't want to think it was true, it probably was. Sister Teresa and I go way back, almost eight years now that I think about it, which is a pretty long time. Once upon a time she had me in awe as she told the story of her relationship with God based on the Scripture verse engraved on her ring (Song of Songs 2:16). She helped me through my "I hate math" mid-life crisis. But most importantly, she was my Kairos group leader my Senior year of high school. While the many mini moments I had with Sister Teresa through high school were true blessings, the weekend of Kairos told me that she was someone I had to keep in my life for a very long time. 

      I have always had the tendency of waking up early. Even now, when I'm not in school and have no place to be (usually) before  8:50 (because Mass is at 9:00, I am up long before the alarm goes off. My alarm is set for 7:30 in the Summer and I'm always up right before 6:00. My internal clock never takes a vacation. Of course, even when I don't have an alarm clock, this happens. On the Saturday of Kairos, I was up long before our wake-up call which was at, well, I don't know what time. I crept out of my room with my journal and went to watch the sunrise from the back porch. I remember writing about the beauty of the sun and how at peace I felt. In the quiet of the morning, Sister Teresa came bustling through the front door of our house, waved, headed to her room and then re-routed to come talk to me. I was sitting on the couch right in front of the window and she knelt down in front of me and took my hands in hers. She looked me straight in the eye and began to assure me that no matter what she would always care about me. 

      You see, the week before I was scheduled to go on Kairos, I had made it known to the school community and the Sisters that I would be going to Immaculata University for college. I was accepted with scholarship and I was planning to be a Theology major. I was excited but I wasn't excited to tell the Sisters. You know, the Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth have a college in the backyard of my high school which also happened to have a Theology major. But, I didn't choose that college. I didn't even apply. I applied to a university sponsored by a different community of Sisters and I was sure I was never going to hear the end of it. 

      During that conversation that Sister Teresa and I had that morning she not only told me that she was never going to stop caring about me, but that she was proud of me. She was proud of me for breaking a mold that might have been seemingly set for me. I was branching out and that was healthy and good. She told me that regardless of whether I went to Immaculata or Holy Family she would always be my Sister and stand behind me 100%. I cried. It was the first time I had ever cried in front of someone else. I cried so much and I never forgot that conversation. 

     In the past four years, I've had many visits with Sister Teresa but never ones that last more than an hour and most definitely not ones that last the whole day. However, today we had a great visit. I found myself at the great Naz Acad at ten am and I didn't leave until about 2:30 in the afternoon. Somewhere in between sharing stories and pictures, we ate lunch. I told her all about graduation and my recent journey to Peru. I told her about job searching and other things. We even talked about extremely nunny things like her recent addiction to EWTN and the NCSW conference I went to in March (and all the topics that came along with that). But we also talked about the future...the religious life future. 

     The thing that I love about Sister Teresa the most is that she is a woman is not afraid to say what she thinks. She is blatantly honest and I admire that about her. As we were sitting in her office she said, "It doesn't matter if I'm sitting at your vows in the Nazareth Provincialate or the IHM Motherhouse or even at your wedding, I'm still going to love you as my little sister. And we, both communities, need to be mature enough to support you in whatever you choose." I laughed at the wedding part, but she assured me that regardless of wherever I end up, she'd be there. But that wasn't all that really touched my heart today with her. 

      She later went on to tell me that I cannot make my decision of a community based on whether or not I would be disappointing one community or the other. Many Sisters have told me this in recent weeks; that my decisions have to made me for me not for others. But Sister Teresa went a little deeper than anyone else had. She reminded me of something I always quote, "Be who you are and be that well." She told me that God made me to be me, not to be the person others expect me to be. At the end of life God is not going to judge me on how well I lived up to others' expectations. He is going to judge me on how well I lived the life HE asked me to serve. I cannot enter a community based on the expectations of the Sisters. I need to enter the community that God has chosen for me. 

      I have heard in many conversations that "If they love you, they will understand your decision and they will support you regardless." While that sentence is comforting to some, there is so much questionable about it. There is no question about the fact that one day I will enter one community and not the other. Let's talk about the middle part of the seemingly comforting sentence, "...they will understand your decision..." Chances are, if this is said about the community that I do not enter, they may not understand my decision to enter the other community.  There are some good chances that even the community I do enter might not understand all that went into my finally making the decision. There is an even greater chance that I, myself, might not wholly understand my decision. However, I know that at the moment of entrance, I will be at peace because that is where God wants me. The understanding may not come for months or even years. 

     The next part of the sentence, "...they will support you regardless." Well yes, one would hope. But what if entering one community means losing friends in the other community? That has always been a fear of mine and I believe it is a valid fear. It is statistically proven that when someone enters into a serious, romantic relationship, he or she loses about two friends in the process, if only because time no longer allows. There is no question that the communication will be harder, but because I love so much, I fear the loss of friendships. 

     Of course, the first part of the sentence, "If they love you..." Well, if maybe the community that I do not enter doesn't quite yet understand my decision to enter the other community or necessarily support me all the way because of emotions getting in the way, well, did they ever love me in the first place? Because if they did love me, they would understand right away. They would support me. But the truth is, religious women are just as human as you and I and the understanding and support might not be there  right away. But that doesn't mean they didn't care about or love me. However, the words play tricks on the mind. 

      Sister Teresa reminded me today that I need to not think about the people when discerning and choosing the community that's a good fit for me. It's not that one community isn't good and the other is, but it will mean that one community's charism and ministry fits me better than the other. I cannot allow personal relationships to get in the way of my decision-making. I cannot say to myself, "This Sister might be disappointed if..." because at that moment that Sister is expecting me to be someone other than the ME God is asking me to be. I need to remember to be true to the ME God wants and not the someone else others may be expecting me to be. But also, I need to remember humility because I have a fear that people might be disappointed if I didn't choose their side but really who I am to think that the one little person I am might cause an entire community years of misery because I did not join them. Oh yes, this is a reality check for me. This is a humility check. Who am I? 

     Sister Teresa's message to me today isn't just one for a young woman discerning between two communities but it is for all of us. So often we get caught up in living up to the expectations of others'. Perhaps we are afraid to disappoint our families, our parents, our children, our friends, our workplaces, etc. However, we must remember that these people are holding us to expectations that may not be in conjunction with the expectations God has for us. We need to live to be the US God wants us to be not the people others are expecting us to be. We need to be the best us in accordance to what God desires. We need to be who we are according to who God made us to be. We need to remember that at the end of life God will not ask us about how many times we lived up to others' expectations; He will ask us how we measured up to what He desired. Of course, we also need to remember that if we happen to be disappointing to someone, it won't be the end of the world, we are not the only person who exists in the that person's life; our inability to live up to their expectations will not be the end of the world. So, be YOU. Be the YOU God wants not the person others are expecting. YOU must be YOU. 

Quit Playin' Games With My Heart - A Reflection on Decision-Making

"Trust your instincts and make judgments on what your heart tells you.

The heart will not betray you."

- "Fall of Kings," David Gemmell

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing

which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful."

- "Mi Vida," Jose N. Harris

What's black and blue and white all over? A girl tryna' make a decision.

      It's one of the most common questions I get when people bring up my discernment. At first, it was so hard to help people understand that my decision was more than a decision to be a nun. Of course, that was especially so when I would answer questions like: what can you do as a nun? with: well, almost anything. I guess that comes from my teacher attitude; I'll do anything to get my students thinking. But anyway, I have seen the growth in my Parish with their understanding of what my vocation is. The questions have grown from: do you pray all day? and can you wear a bathing suit? to: what will your ministry be? and how long is your formation? Of course, most recently, since I just finished out my Junior Year of college, the main question on everyone's mind is: what community will you enter? And trust me, this question is not just on the minds of my Parish Family but also of the minds of many of my sisters. 

     A long time ago, long before I was born, so many young women were entering religious communities. I have heard stories from so many sisters about why they entered specific communities but most of them all say that they entered the community that taught them or with whom they had the most contact. A few sisters, however, told me that they entered communities that best fit their ministerial desires such as healthcare or teaching or working with the poor. Right along with these women were so many other women realizing a call to serve God's people and convents and communities were flourishing with new vocations on the daily. 

    Today, not so much. I've often gotten the question about whether or not the communities "fight over me" and while I'd love to say that, "yeah, they all just can't get enough of me," that's not true. Between the time of the flourishing of vocations and now, there was a time where it may have seemed a little competitive between communities each buying for a girl's vocation because their numbers were diminishing. But, I thankfully, have escaped that era. I have been so blessed to be able to discern with multiple communities with only a few "competitive statements." 

     But here's the thing: there's a still a decision that needs to be made. At the end of the day, I can't enter all the communities I have discerned with; there's just no way. That notion used to give me a ton of anxiety. I would spend hours and hours in prayer asking God how I was going to let one community know I chose the other one. How was I going to say good-bye to the sisters I knew and loved. The funny thing was: I hadn't even made a decision yet. I would often refuse to bring up one community in another community's presence and yet, I had so many good stories to tell. Finally, instead of saying goodbye to a community, I said goodbye to having to make a decision.

    Last September, I told myself that I have two years left of college and I should spend them free and happy, not tied down to a decision or the anxiety that came with it. I remembered being so eager to enter religious life right after high school and thinking I had my whole life planned out. God thought otherwise. I spent all of last year spending free time with the sisters on campus and then with the sisters at home. The more I let go of the anxiety that came with having to make a decision, the more I was able to get closer with specific sisters. The anxiety of decision-making had become a blockade to personal relationships. Letting go of that need to make a decision allowed me to be more open and listen better to those around me who had such wisdom. The year of taking off from decision-making truly was one of the most freeing years in my discernment. I was able to focus more on my personal ministry as a college student and young person of the church. I was able to freely give of myself without having to worry. How beautiful?! 

     But like I said, I'm coming up on my final year in college. Yep, I'm officially a Senior now. That means: one year until the real world. Ohhhhh great! But what is the real world for a girl who wants to be a Sister? Well, it's simply this: finding a job and paying off loans. I've gotten the questions about what community I'm choosing very frequently in the past week. I have simply answered with a shrug and a basic, "I just don't know yet." Before, I would have gone through so much anxiety just to answer that question. Now, I know that it's okay to not know. God hasn't revealed to me his plan yet, and....that's okay.

      I will be very honest that at times, often when I spend a very long amount of time with a specific community such as last week in Stone Harbor with the IHMs or in Chicago with my CSFNs, I feel like: YES! This is the right fit! I feel so loved here! Then, I switch gears and spend time with another community and feel the same way. I may think that God is clearly showing me the path of life and then suddenly, I feel the same way about a different community. So then, I go back and forth thinking, hey God, quit playin' games with my heart? But He just laughs and tells me it's all for my own good.

     This morning, my two worlds crashed. I decided to go to one of the neighboring parishes for Mass this morning. Often at these masses, I've seen anywhere from two to four religious communities represented. This morning, only two communities were there. Every so often, my school world and my home world collide and it's usually with the nuns. This morning, my "nuns from school" and my "nuns from home" were both at Mass. As I stood up to leave the church at the end of Mass, one beautiful lady dressed in blue tapped me on the shoulder. Becky, she called me. I had only really met her once or twice; I painted her basement pink with a few of my FYE students and fellow school nuns. Yet, she remembered me and really knew me. She began to tell me that her dad knows my aunt who works in a bakery and told him all about her niece who wants to be a nun. However my aunt, who's not Catholic, apparently told him that I didn't know what community I wanted to enter. I didn't even know she understood what that meant and I'm pretty sure I never told her about it. Anyway, her dad told her about my aunt and immediately she thought of me. Meanwhile, as we are talking, a beautiful lady dressed in black and white began her way over to my side of the church. I was grateful to Sister for acknowledging that there is a decision that needs to be made BUT NOT YET and she assured me that no matter what God chooses for me, she will always support me. All this from a woman I barely knew. Finally, my two worlds collided as we stood there, three of use, wearing black and blue and white.

    This meeting of my Sisters was strange and yet, peaceful. I knew though, the moment I left the scene and got in the car, that it was a subtle reminder from God that eventually I will have to make a decision. Yet, I also knew that God will give me the decision when He is ready. And so, for now, I will continue to discern with both communities; I will continue to make deeper and more personal relationships with sisters from both communities. I will not let the anxiety of making a decision rule my actions but rather the peace of knowing that God will show me the way. There is so much to love about both communities and so much good that could come from a vocation to them. But at the end of the day, I will have to make an open decision. Of course, I haven't quite ruled out the possibility of creating my own community. Hmm....