Today, I Will Be Confident

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by

every experience in which you really stop to look

fear in the face. You must do the thing you think 

you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt

     Confidence. According to Webster's Online Dictionary, confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities. I found this very interesting. According to this definition, in order for us to be confident, we need to appreciate our own abilities and qualities. That sounds pretty easy. But I think the hard part comes when we find it difficult to even name abilities or good qualities. 

     Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a status saying: Today, I will be confident. Right away, the like notifications came filing in. Before I knew it, a few people were leaving comments. One of my friends wrote, "aren't you always confident?" Another friend wrote, "I have this written on my computer everyday...Today, I will find a way." Someone even wrote, "You should be every day." I smiled at the comments and at the likes, but my confidence wasn't given a boost by any of them. No, my self-worth isn't determined by what social media has to say about me. But there was something in me that started to grow when I realized, that yeah, I should be confident everyday.

      On Monday, I had my first interview for a teaching position. I always hate the question, "so what are you strengths and abilities?" I always stutter and find it very hard to list strengths and abilities. Of course, given a few days, I could maybe write a few down for you, but it's hard to come up with something on the spot. So I listed a few things like possessing gentle patience, being able to connect with all people, and my faith. The next question, I should have seen coming: "What is something you find you might need to work on in the classroom?" I sat for a few seconds and said it, "Confidence." The Sisters looked at me with such a confused look, so I started to explain.

     I broke the cardinal rule of interviewing, I told them how nervous I was sitting there in front of them, people I've known for quite a few years now. I told them that my biggest struggle during student teaching was that I couldn't believe I'd actually make a good teacher. I was afraid my students wouldn't learn anything. I was afraid that I'd make them hate literature more than they already did instead of fall in love with it. I told them that at the end of the semester, however, my students told me that they had learned so much more in my few months of teaching than they had before. And that even last week when I saw a few of them, they were rattling off characters from The Canterbury Tales with no difficulty. I told the Sisters that the moment I get in front of the students, my nervousness disappears, but that doesn't mean I question everything the night before a new lesson. Confidence, I told them, was my weakest link. 

     After I explained, the two of the Sisters mentioned that they never would have known that at that moment, I was shaking in my boots. I assured them that I hide it well. It was a response I was used to; no one ever thinks that extroverted me is ever lacking in confidence. Go back to my own friend's comment on my status, "Aren't you always confident?" I wish I could agree. 

      Last week, I was blessed to be a part of a Kairos retreat for the school where i did my student teaching. I had never been a Kairos leader before but I had led numerous other retreats. I was, as expected, nervous as all get out. But I think my excitement covered my nervousness, because even I didn't realize how nervous I was until I got there. Be yourself, I said, just be yourself. Now, because I can't give away any of the miracles of Kairos (because I want you all the experience it for yourself), I'm only going to tell a part of the story. I brought with me a mirror. It was a little 8.5 by 11 thing and on it had written, "You are worth it, you are beautiful, you are LOVED." It was something I kept telling my group over and over all week. The mirror, however, didn't make it's debut until Thursday. I pulled out the mirror as I was telling the entire group about my confidence struggle. I told them, in brief, how many mornings I need to remind myself that someone, somewhere loves me. I told them how sometimes it's hard to believe my own words. I told them a little bit more and I could see faces of shock, but also faces of girls that felt the same. Confidence isn't just my struggle, it's the struggle of many young women and young men. Confidence is the struggle of anyone, at any age, of any gender. 

      Lack of confidence can come in an array of things. Some struggle with physical looks: they don't feel beautiful, they don't feel masculine enough, they feel over-weight, they feel skinny, they don't like the shape of their bodies, etc. It goes on and on about physical attributes. We are constantly finding something about our bodies that we simply do not like. For others, a lack of confidence might come in the form of not feeling that they can be good at anything. It is easier to list a bunch of "can'ts" instead of "cans." Sometimes people even feel like they might be judged for who they are so they pretend to be someone else. They hide their laugh because they think it's too obnoxious, they don't open their mouths for fear that what they might say would be considered dumb, they don't do what the love because they feel like they aren't good at it. I've been there. I know. But then there's my Sister. 

     I think older siblings always have the stereotype that they must be a good role model and have their younger siblings look up to them. I'm not saying I'm not the best role model, but what I'm saying is that my little sisters have no idea how much I actually look up to them. My Sister, Mary, is someone who I think is so full of confidence, that sometimes I wish I could ask her to give me some of her confidence. When I look at her, I see someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind; she just doesn't have a filter (although sometimes, I wish she did...). She says whatever she wants, whenever she wants and doesn't care who might judge her for it. She also doesn't care what anyone thinks about her wearing a two beach bathing suit to the beach. She's confident in her own body image. She doesn't hide her extremely obnoxious laugh (which I have...and is actually a family trait). I will also embarrass her here and say that belching in public does not phase her...why can't ladies belch?! She's someone I've watched get up on a stage a plethora of times and belt out any song she wanted. She would sing with such confidence that I was sure she was going to blow the crowd away. She had enough confidence to say to my family that she didn't want to follow in my foot steps and go to the same high school as me. She doesn't know how much I applaud her for that. She has enough confidence to flirt with the boy she likes without fear that it might not be returned (of course, she does hope it's mutual). She has enough confidence to be her crazy self wherever she is because she's not afraid of others being judgmental. For all of this and so much more, I admire and look up to my little Sister. And sometimes when I am feeling self-conscious, I look at my beautiful Sister and remember that it's possible to be confident.

     So yesterday, I posted my status saying, "Today, I will be confident." I posted it after I took a selfie with my sisters in the car waiting for Julia and Madi. I looked at both of my little Sisters, but especially Mary and thought, if she can be confident, I can be confident. If she can feel beautiful, I can feel beautiful. She is beautiful (and we are related). I can be beautiful, too. I just have to believe it about myself just like she does. So, yesterday I was confident. I followed my Sister's example and let myself be beautiful. Today, I will be confident again. 

 

Be YOU

"To be yourself in a world that is

constantly trying to make you someone else

is the greatest accomplishment."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Let's do this again," she said to me as we pulled into the infamous circle of Nazareth Academy, "it's been too long." When we got upstairs, she turned to me, hugged me and said, "We haven't had this long or deep of a conversation since...Kairos." Of course, this made me laugh because as much as I didn't want to think it was true, it probably was. Sister Teresa and I go way back, almost eight years now that I think about it, which is a pretty long time. Once upon a time she had me in awe as she told the story of her relationship with God based on the Scripture verse engraved on her ring (Song of Songs 2:16). She helped me through my "I hate math" mid-life crisis. But most importantly, she was my Kairos group leader my Senior year of high school. While the many mini moments I had with Sister Teresa through high school were true blessings, the weekend of Kairos told me that she was someone I had to keep in my life for a very long time. 

      I have always had the tendency of waking up early. Even now, when I'm not in school and have no place to be (usually) before  8:50 (because Mass is at 9:00, I am up long before the alarm goes off. My alarm is set for 7:30 in the Summer and I'm always up right before 6:00. My internal clock never takes a vacation. Of course, even when I don't have an alarm clock, this happens. On the Saturday of Kairos, I was up long before our wake-up call which was at, well, I don't know what time. I crept out of my room with my journal and went to watch the sunrise from the back porch. I remember writing about the beauty of the sun and how at peace I felt. In the quiet of the morning, Sister Teresa came bustling through the front door of our house, waved, headed to her room and then re-routed to come talk to me. I was sitting on the couch right in front of the window and she knelt down in front of me and took my hands in hers. She looked me straight in the eye and began to assure me that no matter what she would always care about me. 

      You see, the week before I was scheduled to go on Kairos, I had made it known to the school community and the Sisters that I would be going to Immaculata University for college. I was accepted with scholarship and I was planning to be a Theology major. I was excited but I wasn't excited to tell the Sisters. You know, the Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth have a college in the backyard of my high school which also happened to have a Theology major. But, I didn't choose that college. I didn't even apply. I applied to a university sponsored by a different community of Sisters and I was sure I was never going to hear the end of it. 

      During that conversation that Sister Teresa and I had that morning she not only told me that she was never going to stop caring about me, but that she was proud of me. She was proud of me for breaking a mold that might have been seemingly set for me. I was branching out and that was healthy and good. She told me that regardless of whether I went to Immaculata or Holy Family she would always be my Sister and stand behind me 100%. I cried. It was the first time I had ever cried in front of someone else. I cried so much and I never forgot that conversation. 

     In the past four years, I've had many visits with Sister Teresa but never ones that last more than an hour and most definitely not ones that last the whole day. However, today we had a great visit. I found myself at the great Naz Acad at ten am and I didn't leave until about 2:30 in the afternoon. Somewhere in between sharing stories and pictures, we ate lunch. I told her all about graduation and my recent journey to Peru. I told her about job searching and other things. We even talked about extremely nunny things like her recent addiction to EWTN and the NCSW conference I went to in March (and all the topics that came along with that). But we also talked about the future...the religious life future. 

     The thing that I love about Sister Teresa the most is that she is a woman is not afraid to say what she thinks. She is blatantly honest and I admire that about her. As we were sitting in her office she said, "It doesn't matter if I'm sitting at your vows in the Nazareth Provincialate or the IHM Motherhouse or even at your wedding, I'm still going to love you as my little sister. And we, both communities, need to be mature enough to support you in whatever you choose." I laughed at the wedding part, but she assured me that regardless of wherever I end up, she'd be there. But that wasn't all that really touched my heart today with her. 

      She later went on to tell me that I cannot make my decision of a community based on whether or not I would be disappointing one community or the other. Many Sisters have told me this in recent weeks; that my decisions have to made me for me not for others. But Sister Teresa went a little deeper than anyone else had. She reminded me of something I always quote, "Be who you are and be that well." She told me that God made me to be me, not to be the person others expect me to be. At the end of life God is not going to judge me on how well I lived up to others' expectations. He is going to judge me on how well I lived the life HE asked me to serve. I cannot enter a community based on the expectations of the Sisters. I need to enter the community that God has chosen for me. 

      I have heard in many conversations that "If they love you, they will understand your decision and they will support you regardless." While that sentence is comforting to some, there is so much questionable about it. There is no question about the fact that one day I will enter one community and not the other. Let's talk about the middle part of the seemingly comforting sentence, "...they will understand your decision..." Chances are, if this is said about the community that I do not enter, they may not understand my decision to enter the other community.  There are some good chances that even the community I do enter might not understand all that went into my finally making the decision. There is an even greater chance that I, myself, might not wholly understand my decision. However, I know that at the moment of entrance, I will be at peace because that is where God wants me. The understanding may not come for months or even years. 

     The next part of the sentence, "...they will support you regardless." Well yes, one would hope. But what if entering one community means losing friends in the other community? That has always been a fear of mine and I believe it is a valid fear. It is statistically proven that when someone enters into a serious, romantic relationship, he or she loses about two friends in the process, if only because time no longer allows. There is no question that the communication will be harder, but because I love so much, I fear the loss of friendships. 

     Of course, the first part of the sentence, "If they love you..." Well, if maybe the community that I do not enter doesn't quite yet understand my decision to enter the other community or necessarily support me all the way because of emotions getting in the way, well, did they ever love me in the first place? Because if they did love me, they would understand right away. They would support me. But the truth is, religious women are just as human as you and I and the understanding and support might not be there  right away. But that doesn't mean they didn't care about or love me. However, the words play tricks on the mind. 

      Sister Teresa reminded me today that I need to not think about the people when discerning and choosing the community that's a good fit for me. It's not that one community isn't good and the other is, but it will mean that one community's charism and ministry fits me better than the other. I cannot allow personal relationships to get in the way of my decision-making. I cannot say to myself, "This Sister might be disappointed if..." because at that moment that Sister is expecting me to be someone other than the ME God is asking me to be. I need to remember to be true to the ME God wants and not the someone else others may be expecting me to be. But also, I need to remember humility because I have a fear that people might be disappointed if I didn't choose their side but really who I am to think that the one little person I am might cause an entire community years of misery because I did not join them. Oh yes, this is a reality check for me. This is a humility check. Who am I? 

     Sister Teresa's message to me today isn't just one for a young woman discerning between two communities but it is for all of us. So often we get caught up in living up to the expectations of others'. Perhaps we are afraid to disappoint our families, our parents, our children, our friends, our workplaces, etc. However, we must remember that these people are holding us to expectations that may not be in conjunction with the expectations God has for us. We need to live to be the US God wants us to be not the people others are expecting us to be. We need to be the best us in accordance to what God desires. We need to be who we are according to who God made us to be. We need to remember that at the end of life God will not ask us about how many times we lived up to others' expectations; He will ask us how we measured up to what He desired. Of course, we also need to remember that if we happen to be disappointing to someone, it won't be the end of the world, we are not the only person who exists in the that person's life; our inability to live up to their expectations will not be the end of the world. So, be YOU. Be the YOU God wants not the person others are expecting. YOU must be YOU.