One Is The Loneliest Number

"The most terribly poverty is loneliness

and the feeling of being unloved."

- Mother Teresa

      Last night, I was blessed to a. have time in my schedule to get together for dinner with two very close friends, b. be able to afford such luxuries such as eating out and c. having two very close friends with whom I could enjoy such luxuries. Nothing is quite better than being together, laughing together, eating together and sharing stories together for over two hours with people one loves so dearly. As we were talking, my blog came into conversation. I haven't written since right before Thanksgiving. I could blame it on busy-ness, I could blame it on laziness, I could blame it on lack of motivation. I started posts but didn't finish them and eventually deleted them. I thought about what to write, but nothing ever came into fruition. But this particular blog post has been on my mind for a while, I just haven't had any words to express how I feel. However, after last night's discussion, I feel like I should pick up where I left off.
      Loneliness. No one likes to feel lonely. People like to be alone but no one likes to feel lonely. I'm one of those people. I like my "me time." I like taking time away for myself. I like being alone. Well alone with my dog. Being alone gives me time to think, to pray and to recollect myself after a big event or party (I'm an introvert in that sense). In fact some of the best moments for me are when I finally get to curl up under all my blankets and not do anything. I just can think there. Being alone is great...once in a while.
      As much as I like being alone from time to time, sometimes there is too much alone time. Those moments sneak in and suddenly, I'm left feeling so lonely. At school it's easy to fall into this feeling of loneliness. I don't share office space with anyone so unless someone comes in or I go out, I don't necessarily see people. There could easily be days when I don't see more than five people a day, especially when I have my class of two. Of course, that's not always a bad thing, especially on days I'm feeling more anxious or stressed than usual. But sometimes, that loneliness creeps in. Especially after a week of after school activities with only my students and not having time to do much else when I get home. Don't get me wrong, I love my students, but they're not my friends. I'm a teacher for over 13 hours a day sometimes, and that's exhausting.
      In the past year and a half of real world experiences, I've noticed that some friends have gone while others have stayed, and not necessarily the ones I would have expected. There are friends who I was really close with in college that I don't talk to anymore and haven't seen in months except for on social media. Then there are friends who I had a few classes with and now I see all the time. Of course, the moving away from campus plays a part; suddenly I'm not right next door or five minutes away. I guess I always thought that if we were true friends, we would travel distances for one another. And that's proven true in some cases. But I've lost a good number of friends in the past year and half due to distances.
      Another factor is the fact that friends either have full time jobs like me but our schedules are too rigorous to have energy left at the end of the night to socialize OR my friends don't have full time positions and are still trying to keep a high-key social life whereas I can barely keep my eyes awake past 8 pm on a Friday or Saturday night. I can't keep up. So I guess, if order for me to socialize with a person, he or she must be willing to either put up with me driving to their house only to literally Netflix and chill (which means nap) or drive to me and be willing to Netflix and chill. On a school night, that is. Fridays and Saturdays, I'm good up until about 8:00. Wherever I am at that moment, I will start falling asleep. I can't help it, I have a rigorous full time job that lasts longer that 9-5, M-F. I'm tired.
      Now, of course, that doesn't mean I want to change my job. Absolutely not, I love it. And given the choice between socializing and doing my job, I'd choose my job. I love my students, I love my co-workers, I love my ministry. But sometimes, just sometimes, the concept of not having a social life other than with my dog, is disheartening and lonely. It's when I'm snuggled up in my blankets at the end of a long day that I get to thinking: well, I left the house when it was dark today and I didn't get home until it was dark again. I haven't seen my family since dad is already in bed and Lizzie and Mom are busy. Gee when was the last time I talked to someone other than Joe on the phone? And even that it's usually a conversation of yawns and tired conversation that I fall asleep in the middle of. When was the last time I saw so and so? Yeah...it's then that loneliness settles.
     Studies say that winter causes more people to be depressed or feel lonely. I get that. When it's dark, we're more hesitant to go out. When it's dark, we want to go to bed and are tired. When it's dark we tend to not see people for ages. The holidays can make people feel lonely, too. Feeling lonely in a crowded room is the worst. Isn't there anyone at any family party other than my sister who understands that I hate conversing with so many people around; that it makes me anxious? I would rather find a quiet place in the house and have a quiet conversation. But at large parties, finding a quiet room is rare OR once you find that quiet room, you're basically invisible. Seems that way in my experiences anyway. Of course, this leads to insane inside jokes with my sister because we can keep ourselves occupied for hours. So, sometimes it's hard to complain.
     There are many times and places I've experienced loneliness this past month and maybe that's why it's been hard to write. Loneliness creeps in and suddenly you doubt everything - will anyone actually care what I write? Is it worth it? What should I even write? Where are my words? Why can't I use them? So at the end of this self-doubt, I snuggle up, make my puppy love me by bribing him to come upstairs with a bone and watching hours upon hours of Grey's Anatomy. Yes, everyone has had those days. December just seemed to bring a lot of them for me. I thought too much about the pain of losing friends, not dramatically but slowly and surely slipping away (that's the worst kind of losing friends...). I thought too much about how I literally never see the light of day. I thought too much about how I never see people. I thought a lot, probably too much, but that's okay.
      After last night, after spending two and half hours with two beautiful friends, I realized a few things. The friends who wouldn't drive distances for me or even make effort, maybe weren't the best friends for me. The best friends can always pick up where you left off despite long gaps in-between and also might be willing to literally watch movies in-house and order pizza. Sometimes it's okay to be alone but when loneliness starts creeping in, go find those friends. It's okay to want to snuggle in bed after a long day. It really is. And finally, get rid of the negativity that surrounds you on social media a.k.a. people with other full time jobs that somehow still manage to have an exuberant social life that you can neither afford or keep up with :)
       One is the loneliest number, but everyone feels lonely sometimes. We just have to make sure we don't let ourselves get too lonely. Yes, the seasonal changes might be helping that loneliness seem like a giant cloud overhead, but we can do things to help us out! I'm thankful for my friends who, it seems, have finally helped me get out from underneath that cloud of doom. Sometimes all it takes is a two and half hour dinner date with friends to keep you going.

 

Author of Life

"God alone is the author of life. 

We never know when He will call home another angel,

this I am realizing more and more. 

Never forfeit an opportunity to tell your loved ones how special they are."

     It's been almost a month since my last post. My last post was right around the beginning of school and so you can imagine how busy it has been. With new events and service sites, as well as teaching three new classes, day to day life can be overwhelming at times. And yet, I wouldn't trade this grand adventure for anything else right now. Going to a place I love day to day with students who are forever challenging me in all the good ways and giving me more reasons to smile, is a gift I am thankful for everyday. It is a grueling job some days, but the beauty that comes makes it worth it. That being said, I don't have much time for things that aren't really school related. Although every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of something called free time. That's nice. 

     This weekend was one of those glimpses of free time. Of course, some of my favorite people to hang out with aside from my friends, are the nuns...who are my friends...yeah, you get it. This weekend was a particularly NUNLY weekend. With a new Campus Ministry event with the SSJs on Friday, a day helping out in Stone Harbor at the Nun's Beach Surf Contest and a pleasantly random visit to Camilla with my real sister and my Nunny Sister, it was weekend for the record books. It was the first weekend in a while that was almost completely nunny and for this I was grateful. There were many laughs, stories and pleasant memories made. But amid that, I was given the following to reflect upon:

     As I was standing with some of the Sisters on the beach watching the surf, we got news that one of the Sisters suddenly passed away. While I didn't know her very well, I knew how great the shock was for many of the sisters present at the retreat house that day. As the day went on and we shared story after story in her memory, the conversations swirled around making amends, reconciling with God, self and others and saying I love you at every chance. When I left the beach that evening, I had plenty of thoughts to keep me awake for the two hour drive home. I began to think once again about my dear friend, Sister Sandi, who we lost suddenly back in April. I began to think of all the people I hadn't seen in a while but always said, I'll make plans with them soon. I thought of all the Sisters in Camilla who have moved there in recent months and I haven't been able to bring myself to visit there yet. I knew there were some people I just needed to say I love you too before I regretted it. 

       The next morning I spent with my sister with Mass at IU, a lovely visit with Sister George and a visit to Camilla with Sister Cathy. It was obvious that Sr. Rose Anthony's passing was still very fresh in the hearts of the sisters, especially as I shared beautiful conversation with Sister George. We held back tears together because crying in the Immaculata Caf isn't exactly the best place to cry. But when brunch was over, we held hands walking down the hall and I told her that it was one of the things I missed the most about not being at IU anymore. Whenever we would pass each other or bump into each other on the walkways to the convent or to the chapel, we would hold hands or link arms. I'm a hand-holder, what can I say? She always knew that and always let me hold her hand. This time was different though, because as we said good-bye, I squeezed her hand and reminded her that I loved her dearly, that was was very special to me. 

       When Mary and I got to Camilla with Sister Cathy, we found ourselves on a tour of the newest wings. We were laughing and enjoying every moment, because truly, how often does one get the chance to walk up and down the halls waving to the Sisters, greeting them and giving them love? I found myself looking for my sisters who I hadn't visited and feeling better, no longer afraid. They all seemed just as joyful as before. Of course, I was waiting to visit one special sister, hoping I would walk past her room and see her eyes light up when we waved. I kept looking and looking but I didn't see her. Then, up ahead I heard Sister Cathy talking to one of the Sisters. I watched the "young nun" converse with the older Sister about something completely irrelevant. They were talking about going to a party and wearing blue. There was no party to go to, but the Sister didn't know that. As I watched Sister Cathy enter into her world and speak with her, my heart began to break. This was the sister for whom I was looking. I realized so quickly that she would never again recognize me or know who I was. I had to turn away because my eyes were once again filling with tears, tears I knew wouldn't stop if they started.

        We eventually continued our journey through Camilla and there were still a few Sisters I hadn't seen yet but knew I would need to come back. Seeing Sister upstairs was all I needed to remind myself to go visit - I'll be there this Friday.  The rest of our journey, however, filled my head with thoughts and lists of people I needed to tell I loved them. One of them was with me. I know that there is no telling when the author of life will write the end to the earthly chapter and call home another angel. I know that the time we have here is merely seconds compared to heaven. And I know that the people I have in my life now are so incredibly important even if I only have them for a little time. 

      When we pulled back into the driveway at IU, I turned to Sister Cathy, hugged her and said goodbye. But when I got out of the car, I knew I had to go remind her of her importance in my life. So I ran around and very quickly summed up the last few days and the emotions that came with them: the events of the past few days have reminded me that I never know when someone might be taken from this life. I just want to tell you that you're very special to me, you know. I hugged her and had pools of tears in my eyes. I let them go this time feeling quite alright letting her see them. I didn't mean to make anyone else cry, but sometimes tears are good when they are shared. I needed to tell her how special she was and there are a number more people I need to make sure I tell this week. But there is peace in my heart knowing that we parted with good words of friendship. 

       I never know when someone in my life will be called to Heaven but I think it's time I start ending each day on a positive note. I depart each meeting between friends with a hug and words of love and blessing. I can no longer be affected by negative things and I must live life to the fullest. These are the things I have learned before and have learned again. God alone is the author of life and He is the one who has put this on my heart to share. Never take an opportunity for love for granted. Always say I love you, even if the person might not accept it. Do all things out of love and always be merciful and compassionate. Amen. 

You Are My Sunshine

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. 

These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, 

the good they do is inconceivable."

- Joseph Addison

     Let's state the facts: I am in college. I want to be a Sister. I have friends. During my first few weeks at IU, I was introduced by my friends from home as "Becca, the girl who wants to be a nun." While I was proud of my discernment at home, I hated being known as the girl who wanted to be a Sister at college. Why? Well, because at home, my friends had gotten to know me before I told them I was discerning. At college, my "new friends" hadn't had the chance to get to know just Becca. I wasn't outcast, but my friends now, admit to being scared of my judgment or my "holiness." It drove me nuts actually, that people felt they couldn't be themselves around me. But sooner or later, they came around. Now, my once leery friends accept and somewhat love the fact that I want to be a Sister. And I can't thank them enough for it. 

    The other day in one of my classes, one friend mentioned my wanting to be a Sister just casually, as it so often happens because no one is ashamed or scared of it anymore. In fact, it comes up somehow in almost every conversation. Whether we're in the caf, in class or just walking across campus, somehow it comes up. My friends know and accept that Mass is a priority every day for me. They accept that when I see the Sisters, I will usually run over to say hi, gives hugs and chat briefly. Often, they have been dragged into those quick chats. My friends often remind me of my future and more so, we joke about what life will be when I'm a Sister and they're all married to each other. I truly am so blessed to have such great friends and I thank God for them every day.

     When my friends joke about me being a Sister, it's usually about how I fulfil the stereotypes so perfectly, or how I'm being nunly. Of course, sometimes the joking is set aside and they ask serious questions about entrance, length of formation, name changes, sponsors, ministries, etc. which I answer as accurately as I can. Sometimes, very rarely, someone will ask me my story which I tell them willingly. They know I pray, because one time they asked if I pray all day. But I'm not quite sure they know what I pray about or pray for. In fact, I'm pretty sure they don't. And so, this one is for them. For my friends who know I pray but don't know what about. I pray for you.

     Often, I find myself with my friends, just listening or watching them interact. I love sitting in the cafeteria watching my friends laugh hysterically around the dinner table. I love when I see my friends who date hold hands and kiss each others' cheeks. I love when I can hear my friends laughing and talking down the hallway, because in all honesty, where else is it possible to live down the hall from all my best friends? I love hearing about all their successes, all their triumphs. I love going to all their sports games, their performances, their speeches. I love watching them be happy. If I could sit back and simply watch all those that I love just be happy, I would be happy for the rest of my life. Watching them interact with each other and laugh and smile just truly makes my heart smile. 

    I don't think my friends know how much I love them and how often I pray for their happiness. I don't think they understand how much their happiness, their smiles, their laughter makes me happy. But honestly, that's okay. I say it often that all I want is for all my friends to be happy doing whatever they desire with whomever they desire. This is the year, my Senior year, for me to truly watch all my friends' dreams come true. I get to see them accomplish beyond all their struggles. I get to see them finally achieve what they have been working for. Sometimes I look at my friends and wonder how God has blessed me so much. 

     In truth, whenever I see those I love, whether it's my family, my little sisters, my "big Sisters," or my Parish family, happy, I am happy. But rarely do I blog directly to my friends. They are people I want in my life for the rest of my life, I want them at my vow ceremonies, I want to see their marriages, to see their kids, to see them grow up happily and become those crazy old couples I am obsessed with. I want them to know that no matter where I am, I will always be praying for them, because their happiness means so much to me. And all of this I discovered through a packed car of all my friends just laughing on our way to "The Bucks" (more commonly known as Starbucks). I simply listened as they sang at the tops of their lungs, laughed hysterically and chatted. 

     And so, friends, this one is for you. You have supported me in ways one could never even fathom. You've accepted me and you've helped me accept me. I love you all and truly, I want you all to know that every single day of my life, since I've met you, I've prayed for your happiness, that you'll all find the perfect spouse, raise the family of your dreams, achieve the jobs you've always wanted, but most all that you maintain the happiness and carefree laughter I see and hear everyday. Sometimes, I feel like your mom when I say these things. But in all honesty, I'm your Sister and you are my sunshine; my golden sunshine. 

Hanging Out With Jesus, My BFF

"True love is finding your soulmate in your best friend."

- Faye Hall

     Last week, I was blessed enough to spend five days with some amazing girls from IU, our Campus Minister, our Chaplain and about 125 students and CMs from various other colleges all over the USA. I went into the week already overwhelmed by the fact that this was one of three weeks of Summer I had left. Part of me wanted to be home with my little sisters doing summery type things like going to the beach and getting tan, but I knew, just as I always say, I was exactly where God needed me to be at that very moment in time. And so, I unpacked knowing that this was where God needed me but unsure as to why. 

     We eventually all piled into the auditorium at Marymount University in Arlington, VA for our opening session. I sat in slightly bitter about not being home with my Sisters or soaking up the sun. I suddenly became a shy little Becca when it came to making new friends and was not about talking to new people. All I wanted at that moment was to get in a bed and sleep. But we had a long night ahead of us and lots of new friends to make. I got comfortable in my auditorium seating and pulled out my notebook, you know, if I just casually wanted to make note of something. Oh who was I kidding? I always have been and always will be the perpetual student who loves learning. I had more notes on my paper than I think our speaker had on hers. Trust me, I was bursting with energy from the moment she started. Instantly my attitude changed. Why? Well, because Sister Grace Dominic was giving a talk on Connection with Christ. Yep. Instantly, my who attitude about the whole week changed. 

     Sister Grace Dominic immediately caught my attention with her stories of little four-year old nephews. It was quite amusing, especially after having attended Mass that morning with my God-daughter to hear her sing the entire Mass "YAH YAH YAH YAH YAH YAH." Yeah...she definitely is a product of my God-mothering already. I love little kids in Mass because they always give beautiful insight to what our celebration really is. Sister had me sold. She is, by far, one of the most precious Sisters I have ever met. She has a beautifully sweet speaking voice, a lovely charism and a precious personality. I know that may seem like nothing new to my dear friends, but what is new is that she was part of a community I never really got to know: The Sisters of Life. Miss Greene would be so proud. Needless to say, I held onto her every word.

     That night I went to bed really reflecting on the things Sister had told us. And as I reflected on the many things that spoke to my heart, I had one idea in particular really singing to my soul: a best friendship with Jesus. I love metaphors, as you may or may not know, and anything that really applies to my life sparks my attention. This idea of best friendship immediately stuck to me like glue. And here's why:

     When Sister began speaking of best friendship, I thought of my little sister, Mary and her best friend, Julia. Having gone to all of grade school together and then splitting up for high school, they have remained best friends through and through. They weren't best friends at first, but as they got older and wiser, they immediately found a kinship between the two of them. They became almost inseparable. Now, after knowing each other for almost 12 years, they are even closer. As the oldest, I have become the taxi driver and big sister for both. Almost every night I am home during the summer (and any other time), I am driving one of them to the other's house. Every other night one is sleeping on the other's floor, although my Sister has her own bed now at Julia's house. They go on vacation with each other's family, they do almost everything together, they have a system down. They are so good at being best friend's it;s actually scary sometimes. Okay. One may be thinking: don't they get sick of each other? I mean, I get sick of them sometimes. And they do. They have one day a week where they don't see each other. They get mad at each other, they call each other out own their emotions, they give each other grief. I mean, isn't that what it should be?

      I have to laugh when I think about my sister's best friend and my best friend, Mary Kate. I think back to high school and yes, we were inseparable. We did everything together, and if we didn't we always consulted the other first. But now that we are in college, we have learned that best friends doesn't mean doing everything together, but that we can move on to separate things and still be the best of friends. Often, I find myself visiting her family, calling her mom, at the most random and perhaps inopportune times. I can call her up and tell her I am outside in my car waiting for her and she'll come out with me. I can walk through her front door without having to knock. I can not talk to her for days and weeks and yet, I know she's always there for me. Now that we are older, we have essentially taken on the persona of two older ladies who sip whatever it is we feel like sipping on the front porch thinking about life. We are, essentially an older version of Mary and Julia. Look out girls.

     As I was thinking about our best friends and laughing to myself at all our funny fine moments, I began to adapt it to my relationship with Jesus, which, praise God, is a best friendship. However, for many this is not true. Think about your best friend. Who is it? How do they perform BFF duties? Where would you be without them?! For me, a best friendship with Jesus is literally spending every moment possible I can with Him, whether it's at His house for a meal (the Mass), His house for family time (adoration and prayer), walking in the park on a date (literally walking in the park) or doing service opportunities with Him. Just like I consult my best friend about almost everything in life, I always pray about it with Jesus first. He always gets first consultation. And just like all best friends, we are comfortable with each other enough to tell each other when we are frustrated. Often Jesus tells me that I need some confession time and there are times when I let Jesus have it with my flustered words. Like seriously Jesus, why did You have to let this happen?! You are such a drama queen. Just like real best friends, we hang out all the time. 

     Then I began to think about the one time Julia had to have severe back surgery. She was scared, frightened and cried a good amount. All of us at church were praying for her, but still she experienced very human emotions when it comes to having surgery, especially for a young teen. After surgery, she couldn't do a lot of things for a very long time. She couldn't run or do anything really active. She had to sit in a certain position and do all kinds of things that made her stand out in the crowd. She was immediately different and could have easily been ridiculed for being so. However, like a real true best friend, Mary stood by her every moment. She visited her in the hospital, helped her adjust to life with a new back and even stood up for her many times. This meant that all the things Julia couldn't do, Mary didn't do. She literally suffered through it right next to Julia. She was there through all the hardships which proved that she wasn't Julia's best friend because it just happened to be convenient for her. Nope. She was a true BFF through and through.

      So many times we proclaim ourselves best friends with Jesus. It's all great while He's performing miracles and gaining followers, because hey, more friends for us. We'll go out to eat with Him while He's multiplying loaves and fishes, we'll take a ride in His boat, we'll give up all our time for Him because we're going on an adventure. Yeah, sure no problem. Being best friends with Jesus is easy. Until He gets to the garden and we can't stay up with Him because well, I'm too tired, Jesus. Being best friends with Jesus is easy until He gets condemned and scourged at the pillar and we're embarrassed that He might be a criminal and we don't want to get arrested for association. Being friends with Jesus is easy until He has to walk the way of Calvary and we can't because, well, we might get blisters or something. And being best friends with Jesus is easy until He is hanging on the cross. No, we can't be there for that. Definitely not, no, because well, that's just too painful to watch.

     So many times we say we are best friends with Jesus and yet, we deny Him at the times when our best friend needs us the most. We aren't there for Him when things get rough. We aren't there when things are painful. Why? Because it's not convenient for us. But remember Mary and Julia. They have literally done everything together, including the painful suffering of Julia's back surgery. They have literally been there for each other through everything. Imagine if suddenly Jesus decided He didn't want to be our best friend anymore? Because it just didn't seem convenient enough? We'd sure be stuck in a rut then, now wouldn't we? But no, Jesus continues to be there for us through and through. As for us, we need to step it up a bit. If we really want to be best friends with Jesus, we need to suffer with Him through the cross. If we want to be best friends with Jesus, we need to hang out with Him all the time...and that means hanging with Him on the cross. You wouldn't want your best friend to suffer alone, now would you?

Quit Playin' Games With My Heart - A Reflection on Decision-Making

"Trust your instincts and make judgments on what your heart tells you.

The heart will not betray you."

- "Fall of Kings," David Gemmell

"Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing

which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful."

- "Mi Vida," Jose N. Harris

What's black and blue and white all over? A girl tryna' make a decision.

      It's one of the most common questions I get when people bring up my discernment. At first, it was so hard to help people understand that my decision was more than a decision to be a nun. Of course, that was especially so when I would answer questions like: what can you do as a nun? with: well, almost anything. I guess that comes from my teacher attitude; I'll do anything to get my students thinking. But anyway, I have seen the growth in my Parish with their understanding of what my vocation is. The questions have grown from: do you pray all day? and can you wear a bathing suit? to: what will your ministry be? and how long is your formation? Of course, most recently, since I just finished out my Junior Year of college, the main question on everyone's mind is: what community will you enter? And trust me, this question is not just on the minds of my Parish Family but also of the minds of many of my sisters. 

     A long time ago, long before I was born, so many young women were entering religious communities. I have heard stories from so many sisters about why they entered specific communities but most of them all say that they entered the community that taught them or with whom they had the most contact. A few sisters, however, told me that they entered communities that best fit their ministerial desires such as healthcare or teaching or working with the poor. Right along with these women were so many other women realizing a call to serve God's people and convents and communities were flourishing with new vocations on the daily. 

    Today, not so much. I've often gotten the question about whether or not the communities "fight over me" and while I'd love to say that, "yeah, they all just can't get enough of me," that's not true. Between the time of the flourishing of vocations and now, there was a time where it may have seemed a little competitive between communities each buying for a girl's vocation because their numbers were diminishing. But, I thankfully, have escaped that era. I have been so blessed to be able to discern with multiple communities with only a few "competitive statements." 

     But here's the thing: there's a still a decision that needs to be made. At the end of the day, I can't enter all the communities I have discerned with; there's just no way. That notion used to give me a ton of anxiety. I would spend hours and hours in prayer asking God how I was going to let one community know I chose the other one. How was I going to say good-bye to the sisters I knew and loved. The funny thing was: I hadn't even made a decision yet. I would often refuse to bring up one community in another community's presence and yet, I had so many good stories to tell. Finally, instead of saying goodbye to a community, I said goodbye to having to make a decision.

    Last September, I told myself that I have two years left of college and I should spend them free and happy, not tied down to a decision or the anxiety that came with it. I remembered being so eager to enter religious life right after high school and thinking I had my whole life planned out. God thought otherwise. I spent all of last year spending free time with the sisters on campus and then with the sisters at home. The more I let go of the anxiety that came with having to make a decision, the more I was able to get closer with specific sisters. The anxiety of decision-making had become a blockade to personal relationships. Letting go of that need to make a decision allowed me to be more open and listen better to those around me who had such wisdom. The year of taking off from decision-making truly was one of the most freeing years in my discernment. I was able to focus more on my personal ministry as a college student and young person of the church. I was able to freely give of myself without having to worry. How beautiful?! 

     But like I said, I'm coming up on my final year in college. Yep, I'm officially a Senior now. That means: one year until the real world. Ohhhhh great! But what is the real world for a girl who wants to be a Sister? Well, it's simply this: finding a job and paying off loans. I've gotten the questions about what community I'm choosing very frequently in the past week. I have simply answered with a shrug and a basic, "I just don't know yet." Before, I would have gone through so much anxiety just to answer that question. Now, I know that it's okay to not know. God hasn't revealed to me his plan yet, and....that's okay.

      I will be very honest that at times, often when I spend a very long amount of time with a specific community such as last week in Stone Harbor with the IHMs or in Chicago with my CSFNs, I feel like: YES! This is the right fit! I feel so loved here! Then, I switch gears and spend time with another community and feel the same way. I may think that God is clearly showing me the path of life and then suddenly, I feel the same way about a different community. So then, I go back and forth thinking, hey God, quit playin' games with my heart? But He just laughs and tells me it's all for my own good.

     This morning, my two worlds crashed. I decided to go to one of the neighboring parishes for Mass this morning. Often at these masses, I've seen anywhere from two to four religious communities represented. This morning, only two communities were there. Every so often, my school world and my home world collide and it's usually with the nuns. This morning, my "nuns from school" and my "nuns from home" were both at Mass. As I stood up to leave the church at the end of Mass, one beautiful lady dressed in blue tapped me on the shoulder. Becky, she called me. I had only really met her once or twice; I painted her basement pink with a few of my FYE students and fellow school nuns. Yet, she remembered me and really knew me. She began to tell me that her dad knows my aunt who works in a bakery and told him all about her niece who wants to be a nun. However my aunt, who's not Catholic, apparently told him that I didn't know what community I wanted to enter. I didn't even know she understood what that meant and I'm pretty sure I never told her about it. Anyway, her dad told her about my aunt and immediately she thought of me. Meanwhile, as we are talking, a beautiful lady dressed in black and white began her way over to my side of the church. I was grateful to Sister for acknowledging that there is a decision that needs to be made BUT NOT YET and she assured me that no matter what God chooses for me, she will always support me. All this from a woman I barely knew. Finally, my two worlds collided as we stood there, three of use, wearing black and blue and white.

    This meeting of my Sisters was strange and yet, peaceful. I knew though, the moment I left the scene and got in the car, that it was a subtle reminder from God that eventually I will have to make a decision. Yet, I also knew that God will give me the decision when He is ready. And so, for now, I will continue to discern with both communities; I will continue to make deeper and more personal relationships with sisters from both communities. I will not let the anxiety of making a decision rule my actions but rather the peace of knowing that God will show me the way. There is so much to love about both communities and so much good that could come from a vocation to them. But at the end of the day, I will have to make an open decision. Of course, I haven't quite ruled out the possibility of creating my own community. Hmm....

New Year's Resolutions...So Cliche

    New Year's Eve; a night to party, watch fireworks, be with family and...make resolutions. New Year's, as one of my favorite holidays, has always fascinated me. When I was younger, I was never allowed to stay up. But as I got older and started participating in the festivities, I was intrigued at all the traditions and history. Did you know that Christians used to celebrate New Year's Eve on Christmas Eve? And then later they moved it to March 25, the Annunciation? Did you know that in many countries, people don't exchange gifts until New Year's Eve as a symbol of abundance for the new year? And how about this one: People won't eat meat that used to fly, like Turkey or Chicken, because your luck supposedly flies out the window with it. In the US, a big tradition is the New Year's Kiss. Now, apparently, it's not just for all those romantics but rather for everyone. A simple kiss on the cheek to your loved ones symbolizes purity and love for the new year. And all along, I thought it was just another excuse from Grandmom to hug and kiss all her grandkids. And then finally, there's New Year's Resolutions. They stem from a Christian tradition of evening Mass where the congregation would state their prayers for the New Year. I wonder if all those celebrities know they are promoting the church? Ha ha. No, but seriously, that makes sense to me. As Christians, Catholics, we so often pray to God for good things to happen. And so, in curiosity, I googled what the top ten New Year Resolutions were...to see if maybe I could use them as my New Year's Eve prayer. This is what I found:

                         1. Drink Less Alcohol (too bad I'm only 19...oh darn)

                         2. Eat Healthy Food (ok, ok...good idea.)

                         3. Get A Better Education (too bad I'm already in College)

                         4. Get A Better Job (but I like working for the nuns)

                         5. Get Fit and Lose Weight (I like my body image, thank you)

                         6. Manage Debt and Stress (thanks, Sally Mae, for managing my debt into a million monthly payments; thank you, Sisters, for helping me manage stress with retreats)

                         7. Quit Smoking (too bad I don't smoke)

                         8. Take A Trip (Woohoo Jamaica and New Orleans!)

                         9. Volunteer More (Woohoo Jamaica and New Orleans!)

     Ok, so these didn't really help me. So, during Mass this morning, I conjured up my own list of resolutions:

                         1. Ask God for the chances to use my gifts and to use them for the sole benefit of others.

                         2. Ask God for the stamina to work hard this semester.

                         3. Spend more time with God in Adoration. 

                         4. Ask God for the opportunities to bring others closer to Him.

                         5. Ask God for the strength to never judge a book by its cover so that I may serve the Jesus in every person.

                         6. Ask God for to opportunities to practice gentility, humility, and patience (be less bold and sassy)

                         7. Ask God for the opportunities to serve my family and those I love.

                         8. Ask God for the protection or and opportunities to serve all people, especially the unborn, the less fortunate, the outcast and the hopeless.

                         9. Ask God for the opportunities to spread happiness and joy.

                                                                   And Finally

                        10. Ask God for the patience in waiting for His word to continue my Vocation journey and  the opportunities to serve Him now according to that vocation. 

  

     Now, how's that for a list? Here's to a blessed New Year for you, your family and your loved ones :) 

Letters to Santa Claus

     My current Facebook status: "I solemnly swear I am up to no good in Biology class...watching cats on Youtube and blogging." I would be lying if I said I was doing our assignment. Truthfully, I should be looking up energy information and animal species for Niger for my final project. But what I'm really doing is ... ok diversion, I actually went back to working on my project because I knew I wouldn't have time to do it at any other time. So now, after class, here I am finishing my blog post for the day.

     My observation group and I, let's just say we're close. We're so close that we go to every extreme to take awkward observation group photos with Santa to give to our favorite nun on campus, who we have deemed the Sister Snowflake 2011. Honestly, I love my observation group so much. We like to joke around and say that one day they'll start a sitcom about us. Something along the lines of "Always Sunny In Philadelphia" but instead call it, "It's Always Rainy on Thursdays," because it rains every single Thursday we are out on observations for education! Yeah, we're a bit crazy, but these people are some of my closest friends.

     When we went to visit Santa, he wasn't as confused as we expected him to be. Actually, after we took the picture, he chatted with us for a good twenty minutes encouraging us to come back every year to get a picture with him to create a memory book of who we are friends with and where we are in our lives. We were talking about our futures with Santa and told him how we will all be teachers. Jokingly my friend said that they would have to fly me in from Haiti so I could be in the picture with my habit. I told him, I'll probably actually be in the city teaching in my school that I established OR in Ghana. But I don't want to jinx anything like Sr. Luke did in A Nun's Story. Santa told us that these are the memories we will remember the most; not stressing out over tests and exams but going out just to get a picture and grab some lunch. And he's right. These are the people who promise that they will come pick me up from whichever convent I wind up in to take me out for lunch and a Santa picture. There was talk the other day about seeing the Easter Bunny, too. But I think that might be pushing it! Oh, such is the life of a college student discerning to be a religious sister!