Author of Life

"God alone is the author of life. 

We never know when He will call home another angel,

this I am realizing more and more. 

Never forfeit an opportunity to tell your loved ones how special they are."

     It's been almost a month since my last post. My last post was right around the beginning of school and so you can imagine how busy it has been. With new events and service sites, as well as teaching three new classes, day to day life can be overwhelming at times. And yet, I wouldn't trade this grand adventure for anything else right now. Going to a place I love day to day with students who are forever challenging me in all the good ways and giving me more reasons to smile, is a gift I am thankful for everyday. It is a grueling job some days, but the beauty that comes makes it worth it. That being said, I don't have much time for things that aren't really school related. Although every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of something called free time. That's nice. 

     This weekend was one of those glimpses of free time. Of course, some of my favorite people to hang out with aside from my friends, are the nuns...who are my friends...yeah, you get it. This weekend was a particularly NUNLY weekend. With a new Campus Ministry event with the SSJs on Friday, a day helping out in Stone Harbor at the Nun's Beach Surf Contest and a pleasantly random visit to Camilla with my real sister and my Nunny Sister, it was weekend for the record books. It was the first weekend in a while that was almost completely nunny and for this I was grateful. There were many laughs, stories and pleasant memories made. But amid that, I was given the following to reflect upon:

     As I was standing with some of the Sisters on the beach watching the surf, we got news that one of the Sisters suddenly passed away. While I didn't know her very well, I knew how great the shock was for many of the sisters present at the retreat house that day. As the day went on and we shared story after story in her memory, the conversations swirled around making amends, reconciling with God, self and others and saying I love you at every chance. When I left the beach that evening, I had plenty of thoughts to keep me awake for the two hour drive home. I began to think once again about my dear friend, Sister Sandi, who we lost suddenly back in April. I began to think of all the people I hadn't seen in a while but always said, I'll make plans with them soon. I thought of all the Sisters in Camilla who have moved there in recent months and I haven't been able to bring myself to visit there yet. I knew there were some people I just needed to say I love you too before I regretted it. 

       The next morning I spent with my sister with Mass at IU, a lovely visit with Sister George and a visit to Camilla with Sister Cathy. It was obvious that Sr. Rose Anthony's passing was still very fresh in the hearts of the sisters, especially as I shared beautiful conversation with Sister George. We held back tears together because crying in the Immaculata Caf isn't exactly the best place to cry. But when brunch was over, we held hands walking down the hall and I told her that it was one of the things I missed the most about not being at IU anymore. Whenever we would pass each other or bump into each other on the walkways to the convent or to the chapel, we would hold hands or link arms. I'm a hand-holder, what can I say? She always knew that and always let me hold her hand. This time was different though, because as we said good-bye, I squeezed her hand and reminded her that I loved her dearly, that was was very special to me. 

       When Mary and I got to Camilla with Sister Cathy, we found ourselves on a tour of the newest wings. We were laughing and enjoying every moment, because truly, how often does one get the chance to walk up and down the halls waving to the Sisters, greeting them and giving them love? I found myself looking for my sisters who I hadn't visited and feeling better, no longer afraid. They all seemed just as joyful as before. Of course, I was waiting to visit one special sister, hoping I would walk past her room and see her eyes light up when we waved. I kept looking and looking but I didn't see her. Then, up ahead I heard Sister Cathy talking to one of the Sisters. I watched the "young nun" converse with the older Sister about something completely irrelevant. They were talking about going to a party and wearing blue. There was no party to go to, but the Sister didn't know that. As I watched Sister Cathy enter into her world and speak with her, my heart began to break. This was the sister for whom I was looking. I realized so quickly that she would never again recognize me or know who I was. I had to turn away because my eyes were once again filling with tears, tears I knew wouldn't stop if they started.

        We eventually continued our journey through Camilla and there were still a few Sisters I hadn't seen yet but knew I would need to come back. Seeing Sister upstairs was all I needed to remind myself to go visit - I'll be there this Friday.  The rest of our journey, however, filled my head with thoughts and lists of people I needed to tell I loved them. One of them was with me. I know that there is no telling when the author of life will write the end to the earthly chapter and call home another angel. I know that the time we have here is merely seconds compared to heaven. And I know that the people I have in my life now are so incredibly important even if I only have them for a little time. 

      When we pulled back into the driveway at IU, I turned to Sister Cathy, hugged her and said goodbye. But when I got out of the car, I knew I had to go remind her of her importance in my life. So I ran around and very quickly summed up the last few days and the emotions that came with them: the events of the past few days have reminded me that I never know when someone might be taken from this life. I just want to tell you that you're very special to me, you know. I hugged her and had pools of tears in my eyes. I let them go this time feeling quite alright letting her see them. I didn't mean to make anyone else cry, but sometimes tears are good when they are shared. I needed to tell her how special she was and there are a number more people I need to make sure I tell this week. But there is peace in my heart knowing that we parted with good words of friendship. 

       I never know when someone in my life will be called to Heaven but I think it's time I start ending each day on a positive note. I depart each meeting between friends with a hug and words of love and blessing. I can no longer be affected by negative things and I must live life to the fullest. These are the things I have learned before and have learned again. God alone is the author of life and He is the one who has put this on my heart to share. Never take an opportunity for love for granted. Always say I love you, even if the person might not accept it. Do all things out of love and always be merciful and compassionate. Amen. 

Say Something

"Those who trust God the most, 

wait the longest. God trusts that we trust Him."

- Becca Original

     Did you ever feel like you've done all the talking in a relationship? Did it ever feel like your significant other or the person you've been dating or even your best friend never says a word? Maybe you've been the extroverted one the entire time? Or maybe you were so bothered by silence? I used to be that person, but in the past few years, I've quieted. I am able to sit in silence for long periods of time and be happy. When I'm with someone, I like to let them do the talking. But sometimes, when I'm with God, I feel like the picture above. I'm waiting, in my piece of paradise, for God to take a seat and talk to me. I'm waiting for Him to say something. 

     Recently, I've been feeling like I've been pretending with God. You know, I haven't been honest. If He asks if I'm happy, I say, "Yes, yes, of course I'm happy." But He simply nods His head and doesn't say anything. It's as if He's saying, "Okay, if you say so. But something tells me you're not." Saturday, I decided to be honest with God at Mass. I told Him how anxious I've been waiting to hear if I have a job for the Fall or not. I told Him how I just didn't know where to go from hear, that I felt stuck in some transition that isn't going right. I told Him that I feel alone; that His presence hasn't been made known to me in a while. I was begging Him to say something to me, because recently, I feel like He's just been silent. 

     Every Saturday after the daily Mass at my Parish, we pray the Novena to the Miraculous Medal. Because I've been going to daily Saturday Mass for so long, I've long had those prayers memorized. So, while we knelt down to say the prayers as a congregation, I bowed my head. Suddenly, for no reason that I can actually explain, I started crying. And it wasn't just baby tears sliding down my cheeks, I was close to full out sobbing. I couldn't explain it then and I can't explain it now. I just started crying. When we finished praying the Novena, I tried to book it out of the Chapel as fast as I could. My crying must have been my show of complete vulnerability to God, begging Him to listen to my cry. 

     Saturday went on as normal. My family went to a family party and I hit the hay early that night; I was exhausted. But before I fell asleep, I started leafing through a book by Christopher West concerning Theology of the Body and Song of Songs in the Bible. Two of my favorite things. I didn't get very far before I fell asleep. Yesterday, Sunday, I got up early and went to 7:30 Mass with my family. When I got home, I laid down because I had a wicked headache. When I woke up, however, the Christopher West book was peaking out from under my pillow. Apparently the night before, I feel asleep reading it and never moved it from my bed. So, I started leafing through it again and decided that it would be a great book to give to Joe, who I was seeing later that day. I through the book in my bag and sat back on my bed. Then, the teacher in me came out and thought that in order for him to understand the book, he needs to do the prerequisite reading of Song of Songs. So, I pulled out my Bible. as I was adding it to the bag of books, I decided that maybe I should revisit my favorite book of the Bible myself before making someone else do it. So, I sat there and opened to the book Song of Songs. 

      I was thinking, as I was reading, once again, how beautiful this particular book of the Bible is. I could go on and on about Theology of the Body and how beautiful John Paul II's teachings are, but that's not the point today. I was reading and praying and hoping that God would send a message to me through the readings of Song of Songs. The only thing that had stood out was that somewhere along the line of me reading my Bible, I had highlighted a phrase that reoccurs three times: "Do not arouse, do not stir up love before it's own time." I didn't realize until that moment that the phrase is repeated three times. When I finished reading the book, however, I didn't feel anything strongly in the Bible and felt disappointed. It was a nice read, I guess, revisiting the love story in the Bible, but that's not what I felt I needed. 

      So, I flipped to Hosea, another favorite in the Bible. I was honestly just browsing when I came to a particular indented verse. This verse, Hosea 3:2, hit me like a ton of bricks and an eighteen wheeler. It reads, "Many days you will wait for me; you will not play the harlot or belong to any man. I in turn will wait for you." Boom. Hello. Instant tears. What on earth was going on with me?! I sat there for a few minutes allowing the verse to hit me a hundred times more before I began to mentally reflect. 

     I had just read Song of Songs, the love letter in the Bible. Scripture scholars will tell you that SOS falls right in the middle of the Bible between Genesis and Revelation. It is literally written as a love letter between a bride and a groom about how beautiful the other is. It's absolutely lovely and will make any hopeless romantic's heart throb. However, the letter is also a love letter between God of heaven and the people of earth. I always read it as a true love letter from God to me personally. Hmmm...imagine, God is absolutely in love with me, head over heels in love with me. He thinks I am absolutely beautiful and gorgeous and He loves me. When I read it this time, however, I didn't read it necessarily that way. 

     Hosea is the story of the man who loves his wife so much that despite the fact that she becomes a harlot and has multiple relationships with other men, he welcomes her back. He loves her so much that he will adore her and love her and forgive her. He takes the honeymoon phase of Song of Songs and puts true marriage into action years later into his marriage with the woman. He loves her despite her faults. That's how I read Hosea and Song of Songs. 

      Anyone who knows me knows that I have been seemingly waiting for years to finally enter religious life. I feel like I am always playing the waiting game with God. Not yet, not yet, not yet. Yet, I know that's what He wants of me. And at times, I get anxious and feel like giving up. Do I really have to wait this long? I'm tired of waiting. BUT, Hosea said, "many days you will wait for me...." Song of Songs said, "do not arouse, do not stir up love before it's own time." Yes, I guess I must continue waiting for the Lord to say the word. He assured me, however, through Song of Songs, that He truly does love me. He also assured me that as much as I wait for Him, He will also wait for me. He loves me and no matter what I may do wrong, He will always forgive me. He will always love me. 

     And so, I resolved to understand that God is saying something. He is saying, wait, wait, wait. I may roll my eyes and ask for more and swear that He is not saying anything at all, but He is gently whispering for me to wait. Doesn't mean I like it, and He knows that (we can be honest with each other that way, it's nice), but I must wait. Of course, I'm still sitting hear anxious because I hate waiting. I want to know my future, I want to know when I must make a decision, when I must finally say YES GOD. But right now, as much as I don't like it, I am saying Yes God, to waiting for the right time and place. I must not arouse or stir up love before it's own time. I'm still in a period of "Okay God....say something please to keep me going" so prayers are always accepted. Especially these days ahead. Thank you.