Say Something

"Those who trust God the most, 

wait the longest. God trusts that we trust Him."

- Becca Original

     Did you ever feel like you've done all the talking in a relationship? Did it ever feel like your significant other or the person you've been dating or even your best friend never says a word? Maybe you've been the extroverted one the entire time? Or maybe you were so bothered by silence? I used to be that person, but in the past few years, I've quieted. I am able to sit in silence for long periods of time and be happy. When I'm with someone, I like to let them do the talking. But sometimes, when I'm with God, I feel like the picture above. I'm waiting, in my piece of paradise, for God to take a seat and talk to me. I'm waiting for Him to say something. 

     Recently, I've been feeling like I've been pretending with God. You know, I haven't been honest. If He asks if I'm happy, I say, "Yes, yes, of course I'm happy." But He simply nods His head and doesn't say anything. It's as if He's saying, "Okay, if you say so. But something tells me you're not." Saturday, I decided to be honest with God at Mass. I told Him how anxious I've been waiting to hear if I have a job for the Fall or not. I told Him how I just didn't know where to go from hear, that I felt stuck in some transition that isn't going right. I told Him that I feel alone; that His presence hasn't been made known to me in a while. I was begging Him to say something to me, because recently, I feel like He's just been silent. 

     Every Saturday after the daily Mass at my Parish, we pray the Novena to the Miraculous Medal. Because I've been going to daily Saturday Mass for so long, I've long had those prayers memorized. So, while we knelt down to say the prayers as a congregation, I bowed my head. Suddenly, for no reason that I can actually explain, I started crying. And it wasn't just baby tears sliding down my cheeks, I was close to full out sobbing. I couldn't explain it then and I can't explain it now. I just started crying. When we finished praying the Novena, I tried to book it out of the Chapel as fast as I could. My crying must have been my show of complete vulnerability to God, begging Him to listen to my cry. 

     Saturday went on as normal. My family went to a family party and I hit the hay early that night; I was exhausted. But before I fell asleep, I started leafing through a book by Christopher West concerning Theology of the Body and Song of Songs in the Bible. Two of my favorite things. I didn't get very far before I fell asleep. Yesterday, Sunday, I got up early and went to 7:30 Mass with my family. When I got home, I laid down because I had a wicked headache. When I woke up, however, the Christopher West book was peaking out from under my pillow. Apparently the night before, I feel asleep reading it and never moved it from my bed. So, I started leafing through it again and decided that it would be a great book to give to Joe, who I was seeing later that day. I through the book in my bag and sat back on my bed. Then, the teacher in me came out and thought that in order for him to understand the book, he needs to do the prerequisite reading of Song of Songs. So, I pulled out my Bible. as I was adding it to the bag of books, I decided that maybe I should revisit my favorite book of the Bible myself before making someone else do it. So, I sat there and opened to the book Song of Songs. 

      I was thinking, as I was reading, once again, how beautiful this particular book of the Bible is. I could go on and on about Theology of the Body and how beautiful John Paul II's teachings are, but that's not the point today. I was reading and praying and hoping that God would send a message to me through the readings of Song of Songs. The only thing that had stood out was that somewhere along the line of me reading my Bible, I had highlighted a phrase that reoccurs three times: "Do not arouse, do not stir up love before it's own time." I didn't realize until that moment that the phrase is repeated three times. When I finished reading the book, however, I didn't feel anything strongly in the Bible and felt disappointed. It was a nice read, I guess, revisiting the love story in the Bible, but that's not what I felt I needed. 

      So, I flipped to Hosea, another favorite in the Bible. I was honestly just browsing when I came to a particular indented verse. This verse, Hosea 3:2, hit me like a ton of bricks and an eighteen wheeler. It reads, "Many days you will wait for me; you will not play the harlot or belong to any man. I in turn will wait for you." Boom. Hello. Instant tears. What on earth was going on with me?! I sat there for a few minutes allowing the verse to hit me a hundred times more before I began to mentally reflect. 

     I had just read Song of Songs, the love letter in the Bible. Scripture scholars will tell you that SOS falls right in the middle of the Bible between Genesis and Revelation. It is literally written as a love letter between a bride and a groom about how beautiful the other is. It's absolutely lovely and will make any hopeless romantic's heart throb. However, the letter is also a love letter between God of heaven and the people of earth. I always read it as a true love letter from God to me personally. Hmmm...imagine, God is absolutely in love with me, head over heels in love with me. He thinks I am absolutely beautiful and gorgeous and He loves me. When I read it this time, however, I didn't read it necessarily that way. 

     Hosea is the story of the man who loves his wife so much that despite the fact that she becomes a harlot and has multiple relationships with other men, he welcomes her back. He loves her so much that he will adore her and love her and forgive her. He takes the honeymoon phase of Song of Songs and puts true marriage into action years later into his marriage with the woman. He loves her despite her faults. That's how I read Hosea and Song of Songs. 

      Anyone who knows me knows that I have been seemingly waiting for years to finally enter religious life. I feel like I am always playing the waiting game with God. Not yet, not yet, not yet. Yet, I know that's what He wants of me. And at times, I get anxious and feel like giving up. Do I really have to wait this long? I'm tired of waiting. BUT, Hosea said, "many days you will wait for me...." Song of Songs said, "do not arouse, do not stir up love before it's own time." Yes, I guess I must continue waiting for the Lord to say the word. He assured me, however, through Song of Songs, that He truly does love me. He also assured me that as much as I wait for Him, He will also wait for me. He loves me and no matter what I may do wrong, He will always forgive me. He will always love me. 

     And so, I resolved to understand that God is saying something. He is saying, wait, wait, wait. I may roll my eyes and ask for more and swear that He is not saying anything at all, but He is gently whispering for me to wait. Doesn't mean I like it, and He knows that (we can be honest with each other that way, it's nice), but I must wait. Of course, I'm still sitting hear anxious because I hate waiting. I want to know my future, I want to know when I must make a decision, when I must finally say YES GOD. But right now, as much as I don't like it, I am saying Yes God, to waiting for the right time and place. I must not arouse or stir up love before it's own time. I'm still in a period of "Okay God....say something please to keep me going" so prayers are always accepted. Especially these days ahead. Thank you.

When God Was In College, He Was An English Major

"What knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, 

you wish the author was a terrific friend of yours

and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.

That doesn't happen much, though."

- The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger 

     When was the last time you read a love letter? Or a poem that made you swoon over the beauty of the words? How about a children's book? Maybe even viewing a quotation on Pinterest, StumbleUpon, Instragram or Tumblr? Many of you know I love words so much. Sometimes I read certain words that make my soul and heart fill with so much emotion. I can read sometimes just a sentence and it speaks so much to me. They can make me breathless, sorrowful, loved and so much more. Words can also, when used correctly, give me the power to do the same for someone else. I can choose the most endearing words to flatter someone with true flattery, or I can express my sadness and make the reader cry with me. I could also make heads spin when I work puzzles of words around them when I feel like being cryptic. I can confuse a person, express my anger, and win any debate. When you can use words, you have so much power between your lips. I've often thought this was simply an English Major thing...but then, if it is, God must be an English major.

     Sometimes I am feeling the need for love. So, I take my bible off my book shelf and gently open it. Where I have placed rose petal after rose petal, the pages open to Song of Songs 2:16 "My lover belongs to be and I to him." I swoon for a second, and then read on. It is a love letter from God, written to me (and so many others). It is the most beautiful love letter I have ever read. I never tire of reading it. In Isaiah, only a few books away from SOS, God tells me that "though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18). Next Book, Jeremiah, He tells me,"For I know the plans I have for you" (Jeremiah 29:11). Even in Lamentations, He gives voice to the suffering, the broken-hearted. Friends, we didn't even get to Psalms, Proverbs or Hosea, yet, much less the NEW TESTAMENT. If I were to actually quote all the beautiful words the Bible has to offer me as the most beautiful piece of literature, I would essentially be quoting the entire Bible. Instead, I just whet your taste buds for the beauty that is the Bible.

      I have always thought that the Bible was God's truest, deepest, best work of Literature. However, I never really thought of the possibility of God being an English Major. No, that didn't happen til last week when I was in Theology class and we read a section from the Gospels about how Jesus essentially owned those Pharisees in a gentle debate. He not only didn't give them the chance to argue, but he stuck the truth straight to their hearts. Like I said, English Majors can really get to the hearts of people and make them feel. Jesus did that not only with the Pharisees, but with his disciples, his followers, his mother, everyone he spoke to. He was quite the orator, if I say so myself. In fact, he was so great, that someone should have written a book about him. Oh wait....

     Anyway, like a good English Major, I am always reading and increasing my personal Canon. Anyone can tell you that when I read, I read with a writing instrument. Whether it's a pen of varying colors, or pencil, or marker, or crayon, I always have it near by. There are so many words that just jab at my heart or make me feel so much emotion in my soul, that I have to highlight them or write them down somewhere. You can my favorite books from the amount of markings in them. There are plenty of folded, leafed corners and cracks in the spins. My books are well-loved. 

    Often the words I find in my books, I feel as if God, Himself were speaking them to me. Take, for instance, my favorite Children's Book, "Where You Are, My Love Will Find You," by Nancy Tillman. It is a book written from a parent to a child and yet, when I sat in Barnes and Noble reading it to my Sister, two Christmasses ago, I knew immediately why I was meant to read it: God wanted me to feel loved. I felt as if God Himself was reading the book to me. Of course, there are my other favorite books like "A Prayer for Owen Meany," "This House of Brede," "The Shack," "The Alchemist," and so many more....all of them highlighted, underlined and written in, pages leafed and spins cracked. In all of them, I found God's voice. Wow, God. Just wow.

     Suddenly, last week  it hit me. God gave us the most beautiful work of Literature in the Bible, but he also gave us countless authors and illustrators to give us countless books. And so, essentially, He gave voice to these people and what they write are the words He gave them. He is in every word that I read and it is beautiful. God is a writer and a beautiful, creative writer at that. He loves to send those words straight to our hearts. God seriously must be an English Major. What do you think?

Lessons and Carols from Miss Peg

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to here."

- Elf

Us.............Miss Peg
(I couldn't help myself)

     My school friends think that once I come home, I have no life. My home friends think that I have no life at school. They are two separate worlds and yet so alike. In both, contrary to former belief, I am a crazy, busy, always running around person. I sometimes tell people that's how I got my curly...from going crazy and never coming back!! Regardless of whether I am at school or at home, I always have a place to be or people to see or things to do. But in the words of my dear friend, Sister Rose, "It's all healthy involvement and you are young." 

     As soon as I got home from school, Lizzie and I started preparing for our second year in Lessons and Carols at St. Charles Borromeo in New Jersey. Our first practice was Sunday, but since Mary was performing in her school concert, we could only stay a little while. Practice was held again on Tuesday and Wednesday for two hours each. And then a half hour drive home for the PA duo. The actual Lessons and Carols night was held Friday night. You know, the night of the supposed "end of the world." Let me tell you, that as sick as I was feeling some nights, (I'm slowly coming down with a cold of sorts...my rudolph nose can prove it), Lessons and Carols is one of my favorite nights of the year. 

     We sing as a choir about 25 religious, Christmas songs each emulating a specific "lesson" of the Bible. The lessons are nine readings beginning with Genesis and ending with the Gospel of Luke and the birth of our Lord. There are nine different readings with two songs for each one. For an auditory learner like me, the music really brings the lessons to my heart. Not to mention, with everyone's voices combined, the music sounded beautiful. Enough to bring my Daddy to tears. The lessons and carols night makes Christmas real for me. It gives excitement to the anticipation of Christmas Eve.

     Like I mentioned, this was the second year for me and Lizzie to participate in the choir for Lessons and Carols. As much as I loved the music and the faith and the spirituality of the night, there was so much from God in this years Lessons and Carols for me. And that mostly has to do with Miss Peg, our director and an angel sent to earth from Heaven.

      Miss Peg, while teaching us the music and the lessons, whether she knew it or not, had a whole other agenda of lessons up her sleeves. She taught me so many more lessons that just the nine Biblical lessons that have become part of my heart forever. And so, since Miss Peg blessed my life with such beautiful lessons, I figured I would then share them with you. 

Lesson #1 : God is the source of all talent and we must give Him thanks. Pray always. 

Miss Peg would sometimes randomly interrupt our practices just to pray. I loved that so much. 

Lesson #2 : Never forget that you can do it if you really try!

Miss Peg gave me a duet and I was terrified. But my Friday night I really felt confident. Seeing her encouraging wink in the middle of the song really helped me believe in myself.

Lesson #3 : Children are truly a gift from God.

The relationship between Miss Peg and my little Lizzie is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Lizzie loves Miss Peg because Miss Peg treats Lizzie not as a child but as a human gift from God; as a real person. She is a little person.

Lesson #4 :  In the last moment of panic, remember to lift up your worry to God. He will take care of you.

We had a really difficult piece to sing this year "O Magnum Mysterium" and I could tell Miss Peg was so nervous for it as we stood to sing it for the congregation. However, right before she began conducting, she closed her eyes and in her heart, lifted up the worry to God. It was the best we had ever sung the song.

and

Lesson #5 : Have patience in all things, especially with oneself (borrowed from St. Francis de Sales).

Miss Peg has the patience of a saint. I admire that. I really wish I had as much patience as she did. It's hard to conduct family members and friends, but she did it with such patience. Of course, she, too, had patience with herself. That is the most admirable.

      Miss Peg has so much wisdom and while I barely know her, while I only see her once a year, she has made a lasting impact on my life. I am so blessed by her presence in my life...even if most of the time it's only on Facebook. I truly do thank God for not only the night of Lessons and Carols, but the lessons and carols from Miss Peg. Thanks God, for always blessing me with those who I need so desperately in my life. Thanks for giving me the hope I needed this Christmas through Miss Peg. Thank you!     

Here's a taste of what you would have heard last year at Lessons and Carols!