New Year, Better Me

"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching,

and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be.

I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into better shape."

- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"

      Almost every year I write a reflection on my goals for the new year. It seems year after year, people consistently make goals they cannot keep in an effort to be happier, be healthier and so on, only to be disappointed by themselves within a few weeks. Last year, newly married and happier than ever, I did not make any resolutions or goals and honestly, I think I've been happier this year than any other year. But that's not to say there were not challenges that we faced together. Looking back, however, I can say that 2018 was over all good to me. 

      For one, we celebrated a lot of firsts: first (married) Easter, first (married) 4th of July, first (married) Thanksgiving and so on. We had a number of adventures, but didn't go hiking nearly as much as we had before. Maybe that's because sometimes spending the day inside watching movies or reading is better. But we also hiked one of our toughest hikes at Glen Onoko ... in the SNOW! We laughed a lot, cried a lot and made a lot of memories. We revisited our favorite campsites like Nockamixon and Niagara Falls. We even took our dog to Canada for the first time. Needless to say, he didn't really know the difference. We renewed our lease on our apartment and explored our new neighborhood more finding some of our favorite places like Conshocken Brew Pub, the outlets, Zwahlen's ice cream and the Schuylkill River Trail (and learned how to spell it, too!). We never made it to the beach, but I was finally able to show my favorite person one of my favorite places: Pipestem, WV while we both chaperoned a school service trip. Deeper friendships were made and our relationship with God grew from lots of stretching. We had ups and downs. But looking back, we had a pretty good full year married. 

      So today, when one of my students asked me if I made any new year's resolutions, I had to admit that on New Year's Eve, we did not really make one. Instead, we barely made it to the ball drop as we tried to figure out how to play the card version of Oregon Trail. This is, indeed, no small feat for the exhausted. But I thought about it a little and after listening to the resolutions of my students, I came to the conclusion that I am not going to let anyone else inhibit my happiness. I vow to not let anyone else's bad mood inhibit my good mood. I vow to not let someone else's insecurities rob me of my own securities. I promise to not scroll through Facebook and Instragram and continuously compare my life story to the life stories of others; I am where I am supposed to be for a reason, regardless of the challenges and suffering I have endured. And I promise to let God remain in control, because it is when I fail to do this that I can frustrated, upset and angry. 

     I find that New Year's is a good time to reflect on where one has been through the year. I cannot ignore the ups and downs of this year. But what I have, perhaps, learned the most and overwhelmingly so is that God is continuously with me on the journey. And that while God cannot be physically with me, God can send people into my life to help be the face of God for me and journey with me. God has never left me in the bad times and has rejoiced with me in every good time. While there were times when I was unsure of God's presence, God very quickly showed Godself to me. God was always there. 

     In addition, New Year's is a time to allow reflection for how we can become better versions of ourselves. So I pray that God gives me the opportunities to be more loving, more caring, more gentle and to be a better listener. In all things, may I model the Blessed Mother, and may I become even more aware of God's presence in my life. I already know that 2019 will be another year of challenge, wonder and awe. I am excited. God is with me. And I know that Joe and I will have many, many more adventures. In this year of Grace, I am sure that grace will be experienced.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR9UsXgIAjg

New Year, New Perspective

"Dare to be the best you can -

at all times, dare to be."

- Steve Maraboli

    The memes have come and gone, much like the year 2016 itself, about how terrible a year it was. Generally one with a sunny disposition and positive outlook on life, I couldn't help but agree. The amount of loss I suffered, starting only ten days into the new year, was astronomical in my perspective. From my best friend, my mommom, to many other family members, friends and classmates, the deaths were too many, too quickly. It was a rocky year for other reasons, too, and overall I felt like I fell into the practice of finding the negative more than finding the positive. I was down on my self, I wasn't very happy most of time and I probably brought others down by being tired, exhausted and downright miserable at times. For a girl who tends to like even years better than odd years, I definitely was not a fan of 2016.
    So at midnight on December 31, I rang in the new year with some friends and a dog. It was quieter than usual, but still a good ringing in none the less. New Year's Eve is one of my favorite nights of the year. There's magic or wonder and awe present. I never spent NYE in a bustling, loud place. Usually it was with close friends or even alone in my room. Since I almost never let my eyes see the other side of the night, staying up til midnight was always a big deal, too. It's the latest I ever stay up and there's something so amazing about watching time change - one year to the next. Now some may say that the minute, seconds even in which the new year comes, is nothing more than that - a minute, a few seconds. But for me it is quiet, silence and suddenly the loud, fruitful, celebration in which a new year is born. The gentle reminder that with each death comes brand new life. There's fireworks and noise makers and pots and pans and NYE kisses and hugs and well wishes. How can you not love a celebration like that? All the noise for just another minute.
     We spent our New Year's Day sleeping in, eating donuts and drinking coffee (which led me to my first resolution: eat more consciously), and finally deciding to take a hike. Four friends and a dog hiking. Sounds like the title of my next big seller by which I mean, the next very boring story I tell in the faculty lunch room for the next week. But hey, a girl can dream. It was warmer than usual in January, temps flirting with 50. We were ready for a great few hours in the woods. We started in Valley Forge, hiking up Mt. Misery, realizing slowly but surely and quite stubbornly, that we were all out of shape. Which led me to my next resolution: hike more mileage, gain more muscle strength! We hiked to the end of the park and decided to keep going on a trail called Horse Shoe Trail. About 2.5 miles out of the park, we realized the true length of this trail: 140 miles to Harrisburg. Needless to say, we turned around, taking the low trail (once back in the park) back to the parking lot. For a brief 45 minutes, girls separated from boys, taking what we each thought was the best way back to car. A little friendly competition, which ended in the girls successfully making it back and the boys needing to be picked up by car since they got lost. But, we won't hold it over their heads for much longer. We ended our day with dinner...again, please see resolution number one.
     We laughed, we talked, we spent the day without worrying (resolution #5 - stress less, be blessed), we spent some time in silence, in wonder and awe, and listening, perhaps, only the heart beat of each other, found in the sound of our footsteps. It was a beautiful day and I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other day. Nature is my favorite place to be. I spent the day in a beautiful place, with beautiful people, in a beautiful way. What more could I ask for? We documented some of the 24 hours together in joyous videos and pictures, but only because one of my goals was to make more home videos. You know, so my future family members can enjoy all the stories I have after I've forgotten them (please note: not a resolution, but more so, #lifegoal). I felt incredibly blessed and even though I was beginning to feel a cold coming on, I was happy. Stuffy and happy.
     The beginning of a cold became a full cold by Monday morning, and I was grateful for an additional day off to recoup as much as possible. I went to Mass and spent some time with the Sisters at St. Katherine's since I hadn't seen them all break (not the norm for me!). I had to bail out on the rest of the day, though, since the cold really was bogging me down minute by minute. A day spent snuggled in bed with my dog was what the rainy day called for. When I woke up, I decided it was time to get cracking on some resolutions, some goals and some writing. I opened a fresh journal and from the comfort of my own bed, re-visited the warmer, sunny weather, the mountains and foothills of Valley Forge, and of course, the laughter and stories from yesterday. Now we all know that writing down goals makes them more tangible and so, I did it. I wrote them down. In addition to the three I've already mentioned, I also have #3 write more often, #4 deepen my prayer life and #6 do something (anything) big and life-changing. It's day three of the new year and I can say that I'm well on my way with #1, 2, 3, and 5. As for 4 and 6, well maybe it's because I'm not the only one involved that I'm off to a slow start of accomplishment. But hey, 4 out of 6 ain't bad.
     I never was one for resolutions but as I get older, I find, there's always a reason to do better, to do more. And I found that if I make one big resolution, I can find little ways to make it happen. So my umbrella resolution, whether or not I maintain 1-6, is to be more mindful of the beauty around me - the beauty of God, of others and of self. Beauty is my word of reflection this year and I pray that I'll be able to be more open to finding beauty, even in the debbie downer moments. I hope and pray and that I'll be able to look at the new life after death and not focus on the death. And I pray that 2017 really becomes the beautiful year I am expecting of it.
     People often say, "New Year, New Me." But I've learned in recent years to be true to the authentic me. Of course, in order to be authentically true to myself, I need to find out who I am. And I've accomplished that - I am so self-aware these days. And besides, I like who that person is when she is authentic (note: not when I'm grumpy or not being truly me). So why, new year, new me? Instead, I'm choosing to say, "New Year, New Perspective." And that perspective will be putting on glasses that show all things as beautiful. Call them rose-colored, if you must. But for me and my year, they will show beauty. Please know of my prayers for you as you start out your new year. May you, too, find reason to see beauty instead of darkness. Peace.

 

New Year's Resolutions in New Orleans

"Don't you just love those long, rainy afternoons

in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour - 

but a little piece of eternity dropped into your hands - 

and who knows what to do with it then?"

- Tennessee Williams, "A Streetcar Names Desire"

    As some of you may know, I recently got back from my fourth tour in New Orleans, a place that always has a HUGE piece of my heart. Going back this time, I expected to see my old friends, familiar faces and places, and experience a lot of the same things I had experienced the past three visits save for the warm weather of my new May trips. All of that happened, but so did so much more. I was blessed to have gone with some of my very best friends. I was even more blessed to make a bunch of new friends. I was blessed to be welcomed home by my NOLA family at Corpus Christi. But I was also blessed my many surprises. One of which, I still am having a hard time fathoming as reality. 

    On New Years Day, since it was an off day for the SBP crew, our IU work crew headed into the French Quarter for the day. We started out with Mass at the Cathedral which was beautiful. As I was sitting there, waiting for Mass to begin, three sisters walked in. Jokingly, my friends look down the pew and go, "Hey Becca, Nuns." Thanks, guys. But in all reality, my nunsenses had been going off and I already saw them. One of my friends, who had just pointed out the obvious, then asked, "What community are they?" "Daughters of Charity," I answered without skipping a beat. They laughed in disbelief but I just knew they were the DCs. So, after Mass, I went up to the three sisters, one of whom looked oddly familiar to me. I asked them what community they were and when they said, "Daughters of Charity," I childishly turned around and stuck out my tongue. I was right.

     Sister Ellen began asking me questions like where I was from, who I was, what was I doing in New Orleans during my Winter Break, etc. As I was answering her questions, the sister on my right, Sister Salvatrice, listened diligently. Finally she asked if I was Becca Gutherman and if I had gone to a FOCUS conference three years ago in Baltimore. Blown away, I answered yes, not knowing what was going to come next. She then told me that I had had a conversation with her about discernment at the conference, after which, she wrote my name down on a piece of paper and stuck it in her office book. She had been praying for me every day since the day I met her. With tears in my eyes, I hugged her and thanked her. Sister Ellen then took our picture and I made her promise to send it to me when she got the chance. I got the picture this morning!

      As soon as I walked out of the Cathedral, I called my go-to processor, you know, the one who helps me process all things nun-related that are gifts from God, Kristie. I told her the story and she reminded me that the day I was coming home was St. Elizabeth Ann Seton's feast day, the saint who founded the sisters here in the USA. Wow. Just wow. After ending the call, I began to truly reflect on what had just happened to me. 

     The priest at Mass had said that instead of making New Year's Resolutions, we should make New Year's petitions. I really loved what he said so much that I started taking notes on an empty church offering envelope. He said that resolutions are often broken, but petitions are something we do because we are broken. He said that resolutions are people centered and that petitions are God-centered. He urged us to make New Year's Petitions instead of Resolutions. So, I did. I started with petitioning for my family, my friends and my nunnies. Then I asked for one specific petition: confirmations of my vocation. Well, God, as the funny guy He is, assured me that He would continue to answer this petition by giving me the gift of the Daughters of Charity, in particular, Sister Salvatrice. I am astonished by how many people tell me they are praying for me. I am sure that many I do not know are praying for me. But what amazed me so greatly was that meeting Sister Salvatrice was a blur in my memory. Yet, she remembered me. She remembers me every day in prayer and has, by name, since the day I met her. It still gives me the goosebumps.

     My first trip to New Orleans back in May 2011, a few months after I had met Sister Salvatrice, I was sitting in the French Market with my friends on a Saturday afternoon. As we were all taking bites of Gator, two Sisters walked down the center of the market. I happened to turn at the right moment and one of the sisters caught my glance. Without saying anything, she started her way to our table of IU friends. She put a hand on my shoulder and began a casual conversation with us. As she was leaving, she patted my shoulder and said, "I'll be praying for you, sunshine. You'll make the right choice." At that time, I was in a serious doubt of my vocation to religious life. But at that moment, God sent me another sign, another confirmation that I am truly called to this life. I never heard from or saw those sisters again, but I think about them often. 

      It blows my mind how God had started my journeys to New Orleans with the sisters down there confirming my vocation and then ending them with the same. It didn't hit me until Friday night, when I was out talking with Miss Monique and her mom that it would be my last trip to New Orleans as an IU Undergraduate. It made my heart smile from all the good that I have experienced here but also so sad to be leaving a place I love so much. I know I'll be back but in that moment it felt as if I would be leaving for good. That's when I made another New Year's petition: Dear God, please bring me back to these people who I love so much and protect them until I can return. He may not answer it this week, this month or maybe even this year, but I know one day, I'll be back in the city I love so much with the people I love so much! I cant thank God enough for all the miracles He gave me this past week. He is such a charmer!

My NOLA reflection song

New Year's Resolutions...So Cliche

    New Year's Eve; a night to party, watch fireworks, be with family and...make resolutions. New Year's, as one of my favorite holidays, has always fascinated me. When I was younger, I was never allowed to stay up. But as I got older and started participating in the festivities, I was intrigued at all the traditions and history. Did you know that Christians used to celebrate New Year's Eve on Christmas Eve? And then later they moved it to March 25, the Annunciation? Did you know that in many countries, people don't exchange gifts until New Year's Eve as a symbol of abundance for the new year? And how about this one: People won't eat meat that used to fly, like Turkey or Chicken, because your luck supposedly flies out the window with it. In the US, a big tradition is the New Year's Kiss. Now, apparently, it's not just for all those romantics but rather for everyone. A simple kiss on the cheek to your loved ones symbolizes purity and love for the new year. And all along, I thought it was just another excuse from Grandmom to hug and kiss all her grandkids. And then finally, there's New Year's Resolutions. They stem from a Christian tradition of evening Mass where the congregation would state their prayers for the New Year. I wonder if all those celebrities know they are promoting the church? Ha ha. No, but seriously, that makes sense to me. As Christians, Catholics, we so often pray to God for good things to happen. And so, in curiosity, I googled what the top ten New Year Resolutions were...to see if maybe I could use them as my New Year's Eve prayer. This is what I found:

                         1. Drink Less Alcohol (too bad I'm only 19...oh darn)

                         2. Eat Healthy Food (ok, ok...good idea.)

                         3. Get A Better Education (too bad I'm already in College)

                         4. Get A Better Job (but I like working for the nuns)

                         5. Get Fit and Lose Weight (I like my body image, thank you)

                         6. Manage Debt and Stress (thanks, Sally Mae, for managing my debt into a million monthly payments; thank you, Sisters, for helping me manage stress with retreats)

                         7. Quit Smoking (too bad I don't smoke)

                         8. Take A Trip (Woohoo Jamaica and New Orleans!)

                         9. Volunteer More (Woohoo Jamaica and New Orleans!)

     Ok, so these didn't really help me. So, during Mass this morning, I conjured up my own list of resolutions:

                         1. Ask God for the chances to use my gifts and to use them for the sole benefit of others.

                         2. Ask God for the stamina to work hard this semester.

                         3. Spend more time with God in Adoration. 

                         4. Ask God for the opportunities to bring others closer to Him.

                         5. Ask God for the strength to never judge a book by its cover so that I may serve the Jesus in every person.

                         6. Ask God for to opportunities to practice gentility, humility, and patience (be less bold and sassy)

                         7. Ask God for the opportunities to serve my family and those I love.

                         8. Ask God for the protection or and opportunities to serve all people, especially the unborn, the less fortunate, the outcast and the hopeless.

                         9. Ask God for the opportunities to spread happiness and joy.

                                                                   And Finally

                        10. Ask God for the patience in waiting for His word to continue my Vocation journey and  the opportunities to serve Him now according to that vocation. 

  

     Now, how's that for a list? Here's to a blessed New Year for you, your family and your loved ones :)