"She doesn't belong to me,
she belongs to God.
I am simply the caretaker of her heart on God's behalf."
- anonymous
Every "For Dummies" book should come with a disclaimer. So the disclaimer for this blogpost: dating a discerner is not for the weak or faint of heart; if you do not already care more about her heart than yours, maybe you should put this book down. But then again, maybe you should pick it up.
Let's start at the beginning: who is a discerner? A discerner is someone on a journey to finding out his or her life vocation. A discerner is often serious about devoting time to prayer during which he or she speaks with God on the topic of his or her vocation to single life, married life or religious life. However, a discerner is never NOT a discerner as discernment is a life-long process. In this specific case, our discerner is a young woman very seriously discerning religious life.
You must have specific qualifications to even be considered for the dating process: you must be gentle, kind, loving, faithful, and obviously, you must be a devoted Catholic. Having a beard, musical talents and a love for adventure also helps. However, these are not required.
It's obvious she caught your eye from the very beginning. It was probably her unique selfless attitude by which she served a lot of people. Often this attitude has caused her to run into class a few minutes late, be late to a dinner arrangement, or even to work (but don't worry she works with nuns). You saw it in action when she would walk a sister arm-in-arm across the icy tundra called campus, or helped a lost visiting family but not giving them directions but rather giving them a personal tour, or perhaps by how she stayed up for hours consoling a friend or sister, or how she would spend odd hours of the morning or night praying Chapel for the entire world.
Another thing that caught your eyes was how she laughed joyfully at the simplest things like pillow fights and puddle jumping. You probably saw her walking around praying her rosary in sandals at every time of year. Maybe you heard her singing at Mass or sitting with the nuns in the cafeteria, a local restaurant or even driving somewhere. You admired her courage for truly living out her faith so actively. That being said, you probably witnessed her wildly defending her faith beliefs with Scriptural and Catechetical evidence. There wasn't a belief she couldn't prove to anyone. She was also a feminist which scared you but somehow made you really fall for her anyway. But overall, what captured your attention the most was her mysterious happiness. Even on her worst days, she could find joy. It was an awesome mystery and it made her so beautiful.
If you have agreed to any of the above, well, let's just say, I know your kind. I know your kind very well, as I am no stranger to being asked on dates (sounds pretentious, but seriously...I have lost track). So let me just give you a few tips for dating a discerner:
1. You need to allot at least two hours every Sunday for Mass. She either is cantoring, reading or being a Eucharistic Minister, so she has to be there early. If, on the off chance that she is doing none of the three, she will be there early regardless. You know that black book she carries around that everyone calls her Bible? Well, it's not a Bible, it's a prayer book. She'll be found on St. Mary's side of church about midway at no later that a half hour before Mass. If you want to catch her eye, show up early. You better show special devotion to Joseph but also Mary. Of course, if you really want to catch her eye, ask her to teach you how to pray Divine Office/Liturgy of the Hours. She will teach you without even questioning why you want to learn (most young people do not know what Liturgy of the Hours is). Of course, if you are musically inclined, join the choir.
2. You need to have a good ear for listening. And no, not just to her, but to God. Yes, listening to the woman you are pursuing is so incredibly important. While it may be difficult, you will have to listen to story after story after story about the nuns and all her Nun-Tastic days. She will tell you about so many nuns that you will get confused. Do not act confused. Worst case scenario, just refer to the nun in her story as Sister. It's okay if you struggle at first. She won't expect you to know all the Sisters' names like she does. She will tell you stories about people you may never meet like all the people she met on service trips. Listen. But again, you need to listen not only to her with full attention, but you need to listen also to God. While she is discerning her own vocation, you should be discerning yours. God is speaking to her heart and you need to attune your ear to His word, too. If you're in love with her, you need to be in love with God. Listen to Him just as you would to her.
3. You need to have strong arms and shoulders. You need to know that while she is a very independent woman, she will occasionally need a shoulder to cry on and strong arms to hug her. Usually this will happen when the reality hits that she is no longer on a mission trip. She will most likely sob uncontrollably about missing all the people she loves so much. You know, the people she only knew for a few days or a few weeks. You may not understand how she can fall in love with all types of people and miss them so terribly that she literally has snot running down her chin. You will realize that to the naked eye this is wildly unattractive (the snot thing, that is), but her deep emotional bond with people she served will make her so beautiful. Tell her that. And when she tells you to shut up, do that, too.
4. You need to have a complete understanding of the Stations of the Cross, the Rosary, Adoration (Holy Hour) and Daily Mass. If you do not have a complete understanding of these things, you must have a deep, sincere willingness to learn. Chances are a lot of her free time will be devoted to praying in all these forms. Even if she does not have free time, she will make time. She will get up at the crack of dawn for Mass. She will pray her Rosary between events of the day even while walking to and from various places. Adoration will be on her calendar every week. You might want to ask her to help learn these various forms of prayer. And do not reserve learning or praying to just moments with her. Do it on your own. While you're looking for ways to deepen your relationship with her, deepen your relationship with God.
5. You need to understand that Katie D, Big T, Little T, Mama T, Mama Mare, SJ, Alphie and Iggy are not just other people. These are her nicknames for the saints because the saints are not just holy and highly revered people in the Church. They are her friends. They will be referred to as such. Do not get jealous if she is spending a lot of time with Alphie, Iggy, TA, SJ or JC. These are the men that help her live her life. There words are important to her. Get on their level.
6. Do not take a declined date too personally. She probably can't actually go on the date because of a prior engagement such as Praise and Worship, Adoration, a walk with one of the six million nuns she knows, a skype date with one of them, or even a scheduled phone call. (Those are a real thing - nuns' schedules are VERY demanding and allow for few moments of free time). If she is already engaged in another activity during the time of your proposed date, compromise and ask if you can join her for Adoration or Praise and Worship.
7. Understand her heart. Know that she will have a very hard time ever saying yes to going on a date with you. Her heart has been very much set on entering religious life for a very long time. Again, do not take it personally if she says she is not ready to date or if she must seek advice from one of her closest Sisters. Also understand that asking her Sisters for advice yourself may result in them telling you she is off the market because her heart isn't ready yet. Her Sisters will then direct you back to Number 2. If she trusts you, which she should considering you are already good friends, she will tell you why. She will tell you her discernment story. She will tell you about her prayer life. She will confide in you. Again, see Number 2.
8. Know that being friend-zoned for Jesus really isn't that bad. Jesus is really your only competition, but you can't think about it that way. Jesus has always known her heart better than anyone ever will. She may join you on a diner date at eleven pm because that's her only free time, but at the end of the night, the last person she is speaking to will be Jesus. I highly suggest it being the same for you. Make Jesus the last person you talk to at night. Give as much priority if not more to your relationship to Him as you have for your relationship with her.
9. Be able to lead her heart even deeper to Jesus. She will naturally lead you to Him. She kind of can't ever avoid talking about Jesus ever and it's kind of cute. Make your faith a priority. Make learning about it enjoyable. Invite her to prayer with you, don't always leave the holy stuff to the discerner. Get comfortable with talking about God's goodness. (Please note: when she says, "God is good." You MUST respond with "All the time." If she repeats you by saying, "All the time," YOU NEED TO RESPOND WITH "GOD IS GOOD.") Start recognizing the little things in your own life that are a gift from God - the sunrise, the sunset, the moon, the beautiful weather, the snow, the cold, etc. Lead her closer to Jesus by being the hands and feet of Jesus. If you don't know what that means, look up the teachings of Big T. Lead her to Jesus and not into temptation.
10. You may only get to hold her hand during the Our Father. Do not take that for granted. You may also only get to hug her during the Sign of Peace. She's probably a cheek kisser (even to strangers); understand that the cheek kiss might be the farthest you EVER GET WITH HER. Her purity and chastity will always be a top priority in her life. Do nothing but uplift her dignity and promote her chastity. Then always pray the seat in the pew next to her is open.
11. It's not going to be easy. She will share her spiritual battles with you. She will tell you outrightly when the devil is on her back and she needs help fending him off. Fight for her not with her. If she is having a hard time with her spiritual journey, her doubt or even where she should go on her next mission trip, pray with her. Understand that her spiritual battles will become your spiritual battles and yours will become hers. She understands suffering more than you can imagine and she will pray you through your battles. Pray her through hers.
And finally...
12. Know that her heart belongs to God, no one else. Even if on the off chance she actually says yes to going on a date with you, know that it was a very tough difficult decision her. She probably prayed for a few months or even close to a year about it. She asked God for direction and after so many times of you being there for her at Praise and Worship, walking her home from work, praying with her, she will know that maybe God needs her to go on a few dates or even date someone seriously for a little bit. She will still discern her vocation to religious life during your dating period but she will also give prayer devotion to the option of married life. You will have to understand that her weekends will sometimes be devoted to discernment retreats at different convents. She might also go on silent retreats where she will not contact you or anyone. It's her and God time. She will still experience spiritual battles, probably in a deeper capacity than before. She will need your strong arms and shoulders more often than before. And if, after praying so much about dating you, and seeking the positive advice of her Sisters who say "you need to serious, wholly, purely date someone before you can enter fully knowing this is your vocation," she decides that she will be your girlfriend for a little bit, know that she may very well still enter religious life. So if she dates you and eventually breaks up with you for Jesus, you can rest positively knowing that her heart belongs to God. Your job is to protect her, uplift her dignity and understand that God still may very well be calling her to religious life. Right now, God needs you to love her in all the purest ways possible.
I think 12 tips on How to Date a Discerner for Dummies is good enough. I'm not suggesting you go out and find every girl who wants to be a nun or enter a religious community and try these tips on her, because they may not work. This method is not 100% guaranteed. However, these are my tips speaking from personal experience. They worked for someone I know and he is still very much aware of my deep discernment of religious life. In fact, one of our intentions every week is for clarity on our vocations. But that's another story for another time. This is Pt. 1 after all.
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