How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 2

"Don't be afraid that a good guy 

won't love you because of your past. 

If he defines you by your past, 

he's not that good a guy."

- Jason Evert

    Okay, I know I promised that part two would come the day after but being a Campus Minister is sometimes overwhelming. We got back from our final Senior Retreat yesterday - I can breathe again. So like I said: this is a two part series. If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you do that before continuing on this one. Here's the link: How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 1. 

     I have been known as many things: teacher, student, sister, friend, confidant, listener, nutcase, retreat leader, but most commonly - nun-to-be. It is true; for the past seven years I have openly discerned a vocation to the religious life. It's obvious by the way I act out my faith, the way I openly talk about the Sisters and my love for them, my knowledge of community, and obviously, this here blog. While at first I was shy about discerning, I have become more and more open about discerning due to the fact that a. I have a story to tell and b. God has asked me to share my story to bring others closer to Jesus. I have done as the Lord has asked, I have received backlash, but more importantly I have received support. 

     Many people have asked to here my story and so I've told it many times. I never introduce myself as Becca, the girl who wants to be a nun. However, it seems that people can just tell; I wear my heart on my sleeve. I mean if you google my first and last name, all that comes up are pictures of me and a bunch of nuns. So. Many. Nuns. Discernment has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and in-betweens. Sometimes there have been straight drops, or even loop-de-loops or upsidedowns. I've loved it. It's been an adventure. Discernment, being with the Sisters, who I consider my best friends, is amazing. No matter how hard it gets, I love it. 

     So, of course, you're probably wondering why I wrote/am writing about dating a discerner. Well, here's the thing. I'm a discerner with a boyfriend. Yes, I said it. (It literally took me ten minutes and a lot of prayer to even write that sentence). It may sound extremely confusing because well, nuns don't date, don't marry, don't have literal families. Yes, I know that. But discernment is a life-long journey and this is part of it. 

     I have fondly referred to him as "the other JC" in many blog posts. Joseph is his name and he pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before I finally said yes to dating him. We had gone to school together for four years. We were friends but we didn't get close until we both decided to do Orientation together for two years in a row. He would occasionally try to hang out with me over the summer but we live an hour from each other and it was difficult for us to get together. The Summer before our Senior year, I remember going on a walk during one of our breaks during Orientation. He was talking about a girl he liked, someone he knew from reenacting and how to go about asking her out. Of course, I said, "If I were her, I would love...." (Sometimes I think it was a ploy to get me to spill the beans!). Things never worked out with her and at the beginning of our Senior year he decided to tell me how much he liked me. 

     To any other boy on campus, I was "off-limits." Everyone knew, including Joe, that I had my heart set on the convent. I was going to pay off my loans as soon as possible and discern entrance into a community. You know what the say about plans: if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. On occasion, Joseph would ask me on a date and I wold deny. Although one night after a long play practice, I was starving and I agreed to going out (very late) to the diner for breakfast at midnight. As I sat across the table from him, I found myself thinking: if only he had come around a few years before, I might have given this a chance. He opened the doors to his car and the building for me, he helped me with my jacket, he paid for my meal, he offered his arm for me to hold onto him so I wouldn't fall, he smiled gently, I questioned the plans I had. 

      There were a few other instances when I found myself agreeing to attending senior events with him but only as friends. I was sure that even if I did say yes to a date I would eventually break his heart. My fear of that combined with my heart feeling so ready for the convent pulled me away from him. Yet, full aware that the convent was still my choice, he pursued me in the purest ways possible: going to Mass (Sunday and daily) with me, joining the choir, praying with me, reading with me, learning more and more about his Catholic faith for and from me, and even going on retreat with me. He would leave me notes about praying for me and sometimes drop off flowers. He was so gentle and loving; it was hard not to find myself in chapel many nights in tears because I might have been falling for him. 

     I continued to go to discernment retreats with the Sisters and spend oodles of time with them. I was so happy and content after being with them that I was still so sure of my vocation. Yet, God would send Joseph into the Chapel sometimes while I was there. He would send him to my bedroom after I had ignored text after text just to have him hug me while I cried about not knowing. God sent Joe to be my escort to the Senior Ball dance during which I had so much fun being with the only other completely sober one in the room. We drove home at one in the morning blasting the same acoustic folk song the entire way laughing about all the fun moments we had just as friends. 

     I loved Joe for becoming one of my closest friends my Senior year of college but even at Baccalaureate Mass, while I was singing in the Motherhouse Chapel for the IHMs, I felt my heart bursting with joy and love for my vocation. Joe never made Baccalaureate as he was on a two week long pilgrimage/vacation with his family. The week before he came home, I left for Peru again with my best friend and a few other crazy girls and nuns. I had fallen in love even more with my vocation there. So why, only a week after coming home from Peru, did I say yes when Joe asked if he could introduce me to his reenacting unit as his girlfriend? Well, here it goes....

     Joe has done everything I mentioned in my previous post. He treated me like a princess before I ever said yes and has continued to treat me like a princess. He has never once pressured me into doing anything that would take me away from my vocation like other young men might. He was never in this to "get the girl" but rather to protect my heart. He saw something about me that even I didn't see in myself. He taught me to accept my beauty. He taught me that I'm worth it, a battle I have long fought. He taught me that I deserve every ounce of dignity and respect he gives me. He reminded me day after day that he was praying for me in my discernment. All this and we were only just friends. 

     I used to say that I had had my bout of dating. But the more I thought about it, the relationships I had in 8th and 9th grade were far from a true dating relationship. They were with young men, who after a while, wanted more than I could give. The more I thought about those relationships, the more I realized that they didn't know how to or weren't in this relationship to protect my heart. They weren't true dating relationships. Which, let me define a true dating relationship real quick: going on dates, just you and him; spending time walking down streets and holding hands; spending time having conversations in which you contemplate great works of literature or music; praying for one another; making the relationship about two people not one; and much more. In some way, I was disrespected in these relationships. It wasn't a real shot at discerning marriage - what dating truly ends up to be. 

      When I got so serious about religious life, I decided that the dating scene was no longer for me. Yet, once again God had different plans. Joe, the man with the same initials as Jesus, was sent into my life. Telling you that I spent nights crying and praying about dating him is an understatement. It was so hard. Letting someone love you is a very difficult thing to do, especially when it's hard to love yourself. Yet, God sent Joe to me in the most beautiful ways possible. 

      The Sisters tell me that I should pursue a real dating relationship before I enter so I know both sides of the story. Many Sisters have told me that their boyfriends were the ones, who after praying with them for so long, helped their final decision to enter the convent. Perhaps that is what Joe is meant to do for me; be the true and pure dating relationship and the one to help me fully understand my decision to enter religious life. It's scary sometimes, but I can now months later, openly admit that I am dating someone that God sent me. I am dating, I am discerning marriage and I am discerning religious life at the same time. And how, you may ask? Well let me just tell you a story. 

     Last night I had just come home from our last Senior Retreat. Joe was at work and I felt the desire to go out (despite being utterly exhausted). I went where my heart lead me. I came home to find a letter addressed to me from one of the Sisters. I took that as my sign to go see them. Within an hour I found myself traveling in a car full of nuns to the movie theater. As we watched the movie, we cried, linked arms, laughed, and had deep conversation about the movie after. When we got home, I found myself in the community room at almost ten at night chatting with one of my lifelong Sister friends about life. I called Joe when I got home and told him about my Nunny adventure. However, the whole ride home, I had tears of joy and question rolling down my face. 

      I still see my Sisters often. If I don't see them, I write them or text them or call them. I still discern my vocation to religious life. I love them, I love being with them, praying with them and loving others with them. There are nights when I tell Joe that I need to pray alone or journal, and he understands. He understands that I do not belong to him simply because we are dating. He knows that I, regardless of my vocation, belong to God. He is fully aware that I may still enter religious life. Every day he reminds me that he's praying for me as I discern my vocation.

     The truth is this: I have spoken to a few Sisters about this current dating relationship and they are happy. They are happy that I am happy. And I am, this is true. I still feel so much a part of me belongs to the Sisters and I will continue to discern with them. I know there will come a point and time where I will either have to break up with Joe or I will have to "break up" with the Sisters. Either way, I feel called to serve the Lord. I have given my life to Him already and the license to do with it as He pleases. I belong to the Lord. I am His. My heart belongs to God and I trust Him. God put Joe in my life for a reason and whether that reason is to simply so me love and self-worth or to spend the rest of his life with, I know that this is all God's plan. Of course, if I do enter religious life, I want him there with me. Heck, I'd love for him to be the one to drop me off at formation, wherever that may be, and hug me goodbye for a little while. I want him and his family there next to my family (oh that's the other great thing...his mom and grandmom and aunt all prayed and still pray for my vocation before Joe and I even started dating). I want Joe to be there when I make final vows. I want Joe to be a part of it, because he is only in my life because God wants him here. 

     So, that;s that. I finally admitted to having a boyfriend, after about nine months. I admitted to still discerning a vocation to religious life. I admitted all the things that so many people already knew. I am God's. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Jesus and I are still as in love as we were before Joe came into my life. And yes, I love Joe, too, for He is the one currently protecting my heart. I am blessed beyond all measurement. If you have any questions concerning my current state in life, take it up with God. He knows far better than I do.