With Arms Wide Open

"I am He whom thou seekest!

Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."

- "The Hound of Heaven," Francis Thompson

     I looked up at the crucifix as I knelt in an unfamiliar church. I had just finished taking my PRAXIS test (my teacher test) and I was on my way home. I was hoping I'd make it in time for a 7 PM service for Good Friday. Did you know that there was only one church in the Archdiocese that had a 7 PM service? What's even more interesting, is that I found the church. I walked into a church that I had passed multiple times on my journeys through Mayfair to visit my Nunnies. It was long, spacious and had a lot of steps. I surprised myself by how close to the altar I walked to (I'm the typical, let's sit in the back Catholic) but knelt there praying anyway. I watched as the priest showed the altar servers where they would be going throughout the service. Suddenly, the open tabernacle caught my eye. 

    In most Catholic churches, right below the Crucifix, is the tabernacle (the vessel in which the Blessed Sacrament is held). After Holy Thursday Mass, the tabernacle is left open while the Blessed Sacrament is reposed in another location (a chapel, a repository, a different part of the church). The tabernacle in my home parish as well as the one in this church I was visiting have two doors that split down the center and push away to either side in order to open, that is, the same way one would have to uncross their arms and spread them to give a hug. 

     Many times I have quoted a dear priest friend of mine when talking about hugs from the Savior. So many times I have needed to hands of a friend when I was suffering or when I wanted to share good news. Often I have found myself in Chapel in tears wanting only for someone to find me and allow me to curl up next to them and cry with them. I've wanted someone to hold me safe from the pain. I've wanted to run into someone's arms and have them swing me around at the mention of good news. But often, in those moments, no one seems to be around...except for Jesus. I look to the crucifix in those moments and I hear Jesus say, "With arms wide open, I'll show you love. I'll show you everything" (CREED). The best hugs come from someone who is always ready with open arms to hug and love you. 

      On Holy Thursday night, while I was laying in my bed reflecting on my night, I was thinking about the AGAPE prayer service Sister Marcelina had told me about that her Sisters do on every Holy Thursday night. AGAPE, my favorite greek word since high school, means unconditional love. There are three different types of love in the GREEK language: eros (physical love), philos (love between friends) and agapos (unconditional love). In the Gospel of John, Jesus asks Peter three times if he loves him. In English, we hear love three times. In Greek we hear philos twice and agapos as the final question. This is how I fell in love with the Greek word AGAPE, while studying the Gospel of John in my Senior Greek class with Senor O'Connell. Every so often I go back to those memories of class and learning those words of love and I can always guarantee a personal reflection on AGAPE love during these holy days of the Triduum.

      These days are the most awesome and accurate actions of AGAPE. Jesus loved us so much, beyond all conditions (regardless of whichever sins we commit, whatever amount of wrong we do, no matter how long we go without speaking to Him) and so much that He gave His life for us. At the Garden, He loved his apostles despite the fact that they fell asleep while keeping watch with Him. He loved the sinners, the prostitutes, the tax collectors, the sailors, even those who arrested Him. He loved them all so much that He allowed himself to be arrested. And what was His crime? Imagine that one could be convicted of loving too much. For truly those who love much, suffer much. Jesus suffered because of His AGAPE love for us all. With arms wide open, He stretched His arms across the cross so as to remind us of his AGAPE hug. 

      That's not the end, however. I go back to the Tabernacle. During the Mass, the tabernacle is opened right before the congregation receives the Eucharist, which is the Body and Blood of Christ. When the tabernacle is opened, it is a literal reminder of the opening of Jesus' arms. His AGAPE love is present above the tabernacle in the visual of His arms wide open, in the tabernacle as the doors open like arms opening for a hug or the be spread on the cross, and in the Eucharist. The AGAPE love is the love from Heaven present among us. The truth is, Jesus' arms are always wide open, ready at any moment to give us His hug, to give us His AGAPE love. Yet, often we do not take advantage of His love. We look at His open arms and turn away. 

      As I reflected on the beauty of the open tabernacle and the arms of my Beloved spread across the cross for His death, three lines from the poem, "The Hound of Heaven," written by Francis Thompson, ran through my mind. While it may be hard to understand with all the dravests and seekests and thees and thous, when one converts these words to modern English, it says "I am the one you seek. You drive love away from yourself, you who drive away Me." I have been working with this poem as I work on my Seminar paper because it was a personal favorite of Eugene O'Neill. For the past month and a half, I have reading and re-reading "The Hound of Heaven" trying to figure it out. As I reflected at Good Friday service, I had a revelation. So many of us, myself included, is the hound of heaven. The first few lines talk about fleeing the Lord, running away like Jonah had, like O'Neill did, like I do. 

      "You drive away love from yourself, you who drive away Me." How often have we looked at the crucifix, the open tabernacle, the Eucharist and refused the love of God?! How often have we searched for love in so many other places and refused to believe the AGAPE love of Jesus on the cross?! So many times we have driven away the love of God by our actions, by our sins. We have built walls and walls of sin, emotion and refusal. We have refused to believe in the love of God and the AGAPE of Jesus. So many, many, many times have we looked at the Crucifix and not believed that we were worth the unconditional love of Jesus. 

      Yet, I also read this another way. "You who drive away love, drive away Me." That is, whenever we drive away love for whatever reason. Whenever we believe that we are not worth the love of another, or that we are not capable of being loved, we drive away God who is LOVE. Anytime we do not accept love because "we accept the love we think we deserve" (Chbosky), we drive away the love from God. The love of God is present in each human being and when we do not accept another human's love, we are refusing the love of God as well. As I thought of this, I began to cry. 

     There are so many reasons why I often only accept the love I think I deserve and there are many people who have tried to love me beyond that. Often, I have had a hard time believing I am worth the love they try to give me. When I read the lines of the poem, I suddenly realized that every time I drive away the love someone is trying to give me, I am also driving away God. I am driving away his AGAPE  love present in another person. I am driving away the reason He died on the cross, the reason for Holy Week, the reason for EASTER. I am driving away God. 

      Often times, we are so busy throughout our days to even remember that we are loved by others, much less by Jesus. There are other days when we are in search of love and cannot find it. On these days we must remember to turn our eyes to Jesus on the cross, with His arms wide open telling us that it is "with arms wide open, I'll show you love" (CREED). 

Dare to Love You More (Than I Love Myself) - Part Three of a Three Part Series

"There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship

or sexual attraction. 

Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances."

- The Love Dare, Stephen Kendrick

     Well friends, here it is; the final part of this series. First, my apologies that it has been over five days since the last one, but as you can imagine, with little less than four weeks of school left in the semester, my teachers are having a field day with assignments! There are some days I quite honestly ask myself why I have not yet created a writing career for myself but then again, I love being in the classroom. So, anyway, thank you for your patience as attempt to be both writer and student! Now, onto the last question of my Christian Marriage and Family interview: What is marriage in one sentence?

     My favorite answer is a tie between Mooney's and Sister Kathleen's. First, Sister Kathleen's, because I am sure you are thinking what could a nun possibly know about marriage? Having been a Sister for so many years, she simply answered, "Well, honey, I could write a book about marriage, it's that beautiful." One sentence and so beautiful! And then there was Professor Mooney, who has been married for so many years, has plenty of kids and grandkids (that often he digresses about so many times in class) and loves life. His answer: "Marriage is loving even when common sense tells you not to." 

     Now, you might even be thinking as you're reading this: what can this girl, merely 21 years old, know about marriage? Well there are a few things I could tell you about marriage. If I based my knowledge off my generation and the generation before me, I would say: "Marriage doesn't last like it used to." However true this may be, that statement does not embody what I believe about marriage. I can tell you that by the examples given to me by my parents, my grandparents, my family members, and my parish family, marriage does last and it's beautiful because of the reasons why it does.

      When I look at the beautiful and numerous married couples in my life, I cannot help but beam with love and pride. I get giddy at the sight of the older couples holding hands in church, of exchanges of signs of peace lasting more than a few seconds, of moms and dads taking turns holding baby in church, of husbands and wives pushing the other's wheelchair up the aisle for communion and of course, when no matter what has happened throughout the day, there is a whisper of "I love you" right before bed. 

      I have always been a hopeless romantic. I've already told you that any boy or man who wanted to capture my heart had to be just like my Daddy. I had dreams of going fishing with my boyfriend, going for long hikes in the mountains, burying each other in the sand, being carried piggy back style down any road, planting gardens together, and of course, holding hands a little while after the Our Father was said and done at church. Later in life, we would get married, raise and family and live simply, serving others. But like I mentioned previously, Jesus stole my heart! However, that doesn't mean that I don't regard Marriage with the same respect I used to believe it deserved. If anything, I give it more respect now than I had before, because it's not all about the happy, go lucky moments in a relationship. In fact, it's more about those times of trial.

     My generation, unfortunately, has seen so many marriages "fail." I can look at my grandparents and my friends' grandparents and see such beauty in marriages long lasting still. When I sit back and look at why, I see a level of respect that has long disappeared and a lot has to do with how much you give away. By their example, I have been able to spot my top three reasons for "failing" marriages. Let's look at my grandparents for example: girl wasn't getting in the car unless my grandfather was opening her door and then shutting after she sat down; girl wasn't dressing without her four b's covered (back, booty, belly, and breasts); and finally, girl wasn't spending the night at my grandfather's house. Now, if the first date doesn't end with a long lasting kiss, or even better a sleepover, he's not boyfriend material. Girl...are you girlfriend material? The truth is girls give away so much more now-a-days before a first date is even established. In my grandparents' days, the body was a prize to be cherished and gift not to be given until the day of one's marriage. Now that gift is used as an advertisement; a ploy to get a good date. What mystery is left these days if we use the gift of our bodies as an open advertisement. Not only is the gift now not given to only one person, but rather is now advertised for the whole world to see. It's not even wrapped in wrapping paper anymore. 

     Think about it this way: you're five years old and your best friend gives you a toy, that's not only not wrapped but has been used multiple times by other five years old. And the best part is that after your party is over, your best friend takes back that toy to give it to someone else. Now, is that fair? Are you happy with that gift? Is it even worth calling a gift? You probably didn't even enjoy it because it wasn't really your gift, but rather it belonged to the first person who used it. That's what happens with our bodies today. When we are younger, our parents wrap us in the most beautiful gift wrap possible, but then slowly but surely we become unwrapped. Maybe we've been unwrapped by the media, by rotten example, by another's false hopes. It is almost nearly impossible to remain wrapped until one's wedding day these days. And that my friend, is reason number one why marriages seem to "fail;" the body is no longer gift, but rather object. And that is said for both the body of the woman and the body of the man. 

      Reason number two is clear as day. Our society these days lives by the philosophy that "if it's broken, get a new one." How many times have we thrown something out because it's "broken" when all we needed was a new battery? How many times have we gotten a new sink, when all we had to do was use a little Draino? How many times have we gotten a new car when all we needed was a little brake fluid? How many times have we thrown a paintbrush out when all we needed to do was wash it? How many times? How many times? The same I have witnessed in marriages. One little spat about working too much has forced Divorce Court when all it needed was a simple adjustment of scheduling. One spat about not spending enough time together ended in separate bedrooms (I mean...come on...) when all you needed was family dinner together daily. Don't we see it? One little argument, the marriage appears broken, so we throw it out. Forget the 10, 15, 25 years you spent building the marriage. It broke, get a new one. That's like saying, you spent 15 years building your house and a shingle fell off in the hurricane. So, you knock the whole thing done, break everything else in the house and get a new one. Now, I'm not saying that in a marriage, if the entire second floor blows off in a hurricane that you shouldn't build a new floor. But what I am saying is re-build, fix it, not with someone NEW but with the same man or woman you have been married to for the past x amount of years. But society today says....get something, someone, new. It's not worth the effort to rebuild. 

      Finally, here is reason number three in my mind. The marriage and the family is a direct example of the Trinity in the flesh. Each person of the Trinity parallels with each person in the marriage and the family. It's a lot to comprehend and I am still wrapping my head around it almost a semester later, so I can't really explain it with clarity and simply enough for a blog post. But what I want you to think about is the sacrifice and love found within in the Trinity. Out of love for the world, God sacrificed His Heavenly Son to the earth. Jesus, out of His Agape Love for the world gave His life. And then, together God and Jesus gave us, the people the Holy Spirit just as a Mother and Father give a child. If within a marriage there was enough sacrifice and AGAPE love (stemming from the Greek meaning unconditional, I would do anything for you, even die for you, love) for the other, if we loved the other person more than we love ourselves, marriages would work. I see it in so many marriages, a love from the husband that even at the middle of the night, if his wife is sick, will get out of bed, drive to the nearest 24/7 store (which are pretty hard to find....) and pick her up cold medicine, a hot/cold compress and then drive to the nearest McDonalds for a milkshake just to make her smile. After husband takes care of wife, he tucks her into bed and then goes upstairs to rock baby back to sleep. I've seen moments when wife cooks dinner for husband and baby after watching baby all day. When dinner is done and enjoyed, wife and husband do the dishes together while baby draws her newest art project on the wall. Sacrifice and AGAPE love means loving the other more than one loves him or herself. It means even though one is tired in the middle of the night, or tired after a long day of being Mom, you still sacrifice for your beloved. 

     Marriage is so simple and yet so complex. I am not married, I do not have a family, but I know that marriage and love involves three main concepts: respect for your significant other and yourself, willingness to fix, not discard, the broken and love beyond all sacrifice. In order to make a marriage work, one has to be willing to take the bullet, jump in front of that speeding train, love beyond all telling, modeled just after our Heavenly Father and Earthly brother. I see this in all the married couples I am blessed with in my life. I see the respect for self and others, the Mr./Mrs. Fix-It attitudes and the sacrificial love. It's there, it's possible to achieve, I know it is. You, yourself must believe it. 

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