Dare to Love You More (Than I Love Myself) - Part Three of a Three Part Series

"There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship

or sexual attraction. 

Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances."

- The Love Dare, Stephen Kendrick

     Well friends, here it is; the final part of this series. First, my apologies that it has been over five days since the last one, but as you can imagine, with little less than four weeks of school left in the semester, my teachers are having a field day with assignments! There are some days I quite honestly ask myself why I have not yet created a writing career for myself but then again, I love being in the classroom. So, anyway, thank you for your patience as attempt to be both writer and student! Now, onto the last question of my Christian Marriage and Family interview: What is marriage in one sentence?

     My favorite answer is a tie between Mooney's and Sister Kathleen's. First, Sister Kathleen's, because I am sure you are thinking what could a nun possibly know about marriage? Having been a Sister for so many years, she simply answered, "Well, honey, I could write a book about marriage, it's that beautiful." One sentence and so beautiful! And then there was Professor Mooney, who has been married for so many years, has plenty of kids and grandkids (that often he digresses about so many times in class) and loves life. His answer: "Marriage is loving even when common sense tells you not to." 

     Now, you might even be thinking as you're reading this: what can this girl, merely 21 years old, know about marriage? Well there are a few things I could tell you about marriage. If I based my knowledge off my generation and the generation before me, I would say: "Marriage doesn't last like it used to." However true this may be, that statement does not embody what I believe about marriage. I can tell you that by the examples given to me by my parents, my grandparents, my family members, and my parish family, marriage does last and it's beautiful because of the reasons why it does.

      When I look at the beautiful and numerous married couples in my life, I cannot help but beam with love and pride. I get giddy at the sight of the older couples holding hands in church, of exchanges of signs of peace lasting more than a few seconds, of moms and dads taking turns holding baby in church, of husbands and wives pushing the other's wheelchair up the aisle for communion and of course, when no matter what has happened throughout the day, there is a whisper of "I love you" right before bed. 

      I have always been a hopeless romantic. I've already told you that any boy or man who wanted to capture my heart had to be just like my Daddy. I had dreams of going fishing with my boyfriend, going for long hikes in the mountains, burying each other in the sand, being carried piggy back style down any road, planting gardens together, and of course, holding hands a little while after the Our Father was said and done at church. Later in life, we would get married, raise and family and live simply, serving others. But like I mentioned previously, Jesus stole my heart! However, that doesn't mean that I don't regard Marriage with the same respect I used to believe it deserved. If anything, I give it more respect now than I had before, because it's not all about the happy, go lucky moments in a relationship. In fact, it's more about those times of trial.

     My generation, unfortunately, has seen so many marriages "fail." I can look at my grandparents and my friends' grandparents and see such beauty in marriages long lasting still. When I sit back and look at why, I see a level of respect that has long disappeared and a lot has to do with how much you give away. By their example, I have been able to spot my top three reasons for "failing" marriages. Let's look at my grandparents for example: girl wasn't getting in the car unless my grandfather was opening her door and then shutting after she sat down; girl wasn't dressing without her four b's covered (back, booty, belly, and breasts); and finally, girl wasn't spending the night at my grandfather's house. Now, if the first date doesn't end with a long lasting kiss, or even better a sleepover, he's not boyfriend material. Girl...are you girlfriend material? The truth is girls give away so much more now-a-days before a first date is even established. In my grandparents' days, the body was a prize to be cherished and gift not to be given until the day of one's marriage. Now that gift is used as an advertisement; a ploy to get a good date. What mystery is left these days if we use the gift of our bodies as an open advertisement. Not only is the gift now not given to only one person, but rather is now advertised for the whole world to see. It's not even wrapped in wrapping paper anymore. 

     Think about it this way: you're five years old and your best friend gives you a toy, that's not only not wrapped but has been used multiple times by other five years old. And the best part is that after your party is over, your best friend takes back that toy to give it to someone else. Now, is that fair? Are you happy with that gift? Is it even worth calling a gift? You probably didn't even enjoy it because it wasn't really your gift, but rather it belonged to the first person who used it. That's what happens with our bodies today. When we are younger, our parents wrap us in the most beautiful gift wrap possible, but then slowly but surely we become unwrapped. Maybe we've been unwrapped by the media, by rotten example, by another's false hopes. It is almost nearly impossible to remain wrapped until one's wedding day these days. And that my friend, is reason number one why marriages seem to "fail;" the body is no longer gift, but rather object. And that is said for both the body of the woman and the body of the man. 

      Reason number two is clear as day. Our society these days lives by the philosophy that "if it's broken, get a new one." How many times have we thrown something out because it's "broken" when all we needed was a new battery? How many times have we gotten a new sink, when all we had to do was use a little Draino? How many times have we gotten a new car when all we needed was a little brake fluid? How many times have we thrown a paintbrush out when all we needed to do was wash it? How many times? How many times? The same I have witnessed in marriages. One little spat about working too much has forced Divorce Court when all it needed was a simple adjustment of scheduling. One spat about not spending enough time together ended in separate bedrooms (I mean...come on...) when all you needed was family dinner together daily. Don't we see it? One little argument, the marriage appears broken, so we throw it out. Forget the 10, 15, 25 years you spent building the marriage. It broke, get a new one. That's like saying, you spent 15 years building your house and a shingle fell off in the hurricane. So, you knock the whole thing done, break everything else in the house and get a new one. Now, I'm not saying that in a marriage, if the entire second floor blows off in a hurricane that you shouldn't build a new floor. But what I am saying is re-build, fix it, not with someone NEW but with the same man or woman you have been married to for the past x amount of years. But society today says....get something, someone, new. It's not worth the effort to rebuild. 

      Finally, here is reason number three in my mind. The marriage and the family is a direct example of the Trinity in the flesh. Each person of the Trinity parallels with each person in the marriage and the family. It's a lot to comprehend and I am still wrapping my head around it almost a semester later, so I can't really explain it with clarity and simply enough for a blog post. But what I want you to think about is the sacrifice and love found within in the Trinity. Out of love for the world, God sacrificed His Heavenly Son to the earth. Jesus, out of His Agape Love for the world gave His life. And then, together God and Jesus gave us, the people the Holy Spirit just as a Mother and Father give a child. If within a marriage there was enough sacrifice and AGAPE love (stemming from the Greek meaning unconditional, I would do anything for you, even die for you, love) for the other, if we loved the other person more than we love ourselves, marriages would work. I see it in so many marriages, a love from the husband that even at the middle of the night, if his wife is sick, will get out of bed, drive to the nearest 24/7 store (which are pretty hard to find....) and pick her up cold medicine, a hot/cold compress and then drive to the nearest McDonalds for a milkshake just to make her smile. After husband takes care of wife, he tucks her into bed and then goes upstairs to rock baby back to sleep. I've seen moments when wife cooks dinner for husband and baby after watching baby all day. When dinner is done and enjoyed, wife and husband do the dishes together while baby draws her newest art project on the wall. Sacrifice and AGAPE love means loving the other more than one loves him or herself. It means even though one is tired in the middle of the night, or tired after a long day of being Mom, you still sacrifice for your beloved. 

     Marriage is so simple and yet so complex. I am not married, I do not have a family, but I know that marriage and love involves three main concepts: respect for your significant other and yourself, willingness to fix, not discard, the broken and love beyond all sacrifice. In order to make a marriage work, one has to be willing to take the bullet, jump in front of that speeding train, love beyond all telling, modeled just after our Heavenly Father and Earthly brother. I see this in all the married couples I am blessed with in my life. I see the respect for self and others, the Mr./Mrs. Fix-It attitudes and the sacrificial love. It's there, it's possible to achieve, I know it is. You, yourself must believe it. 

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