The Desire of Nothingness - A Reflection on Deserts and Barranca

"The closer one becomes to approaching God, 

the simpler she becomes."

- St. Teresa of Avila

   Up until Thursday I have only had two experiences where I was traveling in a car, packed in with a plethora of other bags and odds and ends: one, everytime I move in and out of school; two, the car ride from the airport in Jamaica to Spur Tree with bags and people. Thursday, I, along with the three other girls and two sisters, piled into a car made for eight. Let me tell you, the mom van is made for eight. I have a hard time believing that at any point in time this car could actually fit eight people. Regardless, with four girls and two sisters, that was only six people. So, why was it packed? You see, our school in Miraflores, EIC, supports the Fe Y Alegría school in Barranca with their Tombola for the Kermesse. You know, that carnival type thing I described a few blog posts prior. This meant that we were taking a few of the things with us beings that Barranca is a 3.5 hour car ride away. So this girl, who loves to snuggle, got to snuggle with multiple 5kg bags of rice the whole way. Needless to say, this provoked many thoughts in my heart, mind and soul.

   First, you must know that Barranca, while being 3.5 hours away, is also one of the poorest missions of the IHM Sisters here in Perú. There is a public school there called Fe Y Alegría which is directed by three beautiful IHM Sisters. We began our journey at 6:30 in the morning, which does not really seem like such a feat anymore beings we have to catch the bus to Callou every morning at 6:50. We all piled in the car with myself in the back seat snuggling the rice and the three girls in the middle. Many of you know how much I love books and language, so of course, I brought two books with me to read to and fro in the car. As we were driving through Lima, I settled into my book and propped my leg up on some rice. This could not be that bad, I convinced myself. And in actuality, it was nothing. No problema, hermana! 

    After about an hour, we finally exited the city of Lima and were headed toward Barranca via the Panamerica Highway. At first, I was thinking to myself, that it was just like driving on the PA Turnpike to Uncle Tommys house. However, while that does seem to be an extremely extensive drive, the turnpike is surrouned by lush, green, trees and bushes. This road...hello nothingness. I was reading one minute, and the next minute, I happened to look out the window to realize the nothingness. Beautiful Nothingness. 

    We were surrounded by the desert. Having just finished The Alchemist again for the fifth time, I immediately felt like I had been thrown into the story. In this story, there is a shepherd boy searching for his treasure. He travels far and wide all through various different climates and countries, but the majority of the book takes place in the desert. While I have always loved the book (I mean, I have read it five times and still, everytime I find something new and fantastic in it), it did not truly hit my heart until that drive through the desert. You see, for those who have not read it, the shepherd boy realizes that he always had his treasure and it was always simply present. Suddenly, I realized, like he had realized, my truest desire in the world. 

    Perhaps I have written about it before, perhaps not. In my heart, there has always been this desire for nothing. Now some of you might say, why would an English major state it that way as opposed to I have never desired anything? Well, you see, the two statements are extremely different. I have never NEVER desired anything; every human heart desires something. My heart has always desired nothing, or rather, nothingness. It is not a poverty, but rather an extreme richness. But how can one desire nothing? 

    Think about the desert. If you have never seen one (and I had never seen one until just this past week), google an image. Look at the wide horizon of NOTHING. There is only sand. Every so often, one will come across an oasis, but more than not, there is nothing but sand, sand, sand and some sun. As we were driving through the desert, I watched the minutes of nothingness pass by my window. Deep down inside, I found this desire for that nothingness. The desert is full of the bare minimum. I stared out the window and imagined myself simply standing in the middle of the desert: just me and absolute nothing else but sand. There were no houses, no animals, no cars, no walkways. NOTHING. The desire grew and grew with each passing moment, that is, this desire I have always had. 

    I fell asleep to a dream-like image of me with nothing but the clothes on my back and a backpack filled with necessities. So often, I want to throw my hands up in the air and let go of every single thing that posesses me including things, places and people. I imagined just letting go of everything I have ever owned, or what had ever had hold over me. I wanted nothing to hold me down so that I could fully do Gods work, what He wants of me. If I am posessed by places or people, I can never do His work completely. For example, if I had a fear of leaving my beloved home of Croydon, I would never had made it to Jamaica, Peru or even Immaculata. And imagine all the people I never would have met. But for a greater example, if I could never leave my family, while I love them so dearly, I could never enter a religious community. They say, what you give up, you are given tenfold in return. And is that not the truth. Every single time I give up what I am so blessed to have in my comfortable home, like family, I am given tenfold in return. Every where I go, I gain new family members, new sisters, new brothers, new mothers, new fathers. Of course, for my family reading this, NO ONE CAN EVER REPLACE YOU. But, if I could never let go, I would never be as blessed as I am. 

    I have always felt this desire to let go of everything, to let my heart be posessed by this nothingness like the desert. Because if I have nothingness, then I can only be filled with more. Imagine like this: you have a glass of water, half full. You do not want to drink it for fear that you will never have anything to drink again. A waiter comes around with a silver pitched and asks if you want more to drink, but he can only fill your cup if it is empty first. Not wanting to drink the water, for fear that there is nothing in the pitcher, you deny the waiters offer and continue to sit, with your half full glass of water. A few moments later, you realize that the waiter has been filling others glasses with the most delicious of wines. Even if the waiter had been able to fill your cup with the water in it, the water would have diluted the wine and decreased its value. Because you were fearful to let go of the water, you missed out on the blessing of the best wine. Your heart is like that. Jesus only wants to fill us with good things, but if we cannot first empty our hearts and possess nothingness, we cannot be filled. Jesus will fill our hearts despite the things we hold onto, but those things dilute the blessings. This is how I have always felt. I want my heart to be an empty glass so Jesus can fill me with good things. Nothingness, like the desert.

    I awoke from my "sleep" the moment we hit the dirt road that lead us to Barranca. In fact, I flew off the seat. Where on earth are we? my human senses asked. And then I saw the houses, the motortaxis, the school and fell in love. THIS IS WHAT MY HEART HAS ALWAYS DESIRED. The nothingness of the poor, because as much as they do not have, they are filled with happiness that the rich cannot possess. We were so blessed to walk around the school and meet the children of Fe Y Alegría. I was even able to do basic math with the first graders (thank God I know my numbers in Spanish). Hugs and kisses were given all over the place and the children, despite not knowing a word of English understood. The sisters, by their very example, increased my desire to love and serve the poor, with my heart of nothingness. In fact, within a half hour, I had already told Sister Teresa Catherine, I was staying. She, of course, said that I had probably said that everywhere I have gone in Perú. But no, I told her, this is it. This place, this beautiful place, is the very desire of my soul. I stood on the patio, watching the children, being a recipient of so much love, and just knew in my heart, that the desert had spoken to my soul so truthfully. I have a heart MADE for nothingness. I have a heart made for nothingness so that I can love each and every soul, whether rich or poor, with the fullest of capacities. Yes, I know I am made for this. 

Keep Calm and Call The Nuns

"I can't walk this road without you, you cannot go it alone.

We were never meant to make it on our own.

And when the load becomes too heavy and your feet are too tired to walk,

I'll carry you and we'll be carried on."

- "I'll Carry You", Rebecca St. James

   

     This is the most accurate description of my panic button. I'm feeling a little dreary in my spiritual life? Call the nuns. Don't know how to politely decline a marriage proposal? Call the nuns. Don't know what courses to take for next semester? Call the nuns. Need a smile? Call the nuns. Need a hug? Call the nuns. The fire alarm is going off at work and you don't know what to do? Call the nuns. Need some ice cream? Call the nuns. Can't figure out a math problem? Call the (right) nuns. Need anything? Call the nuns. You get the point.

     These past few days have been filled with me "calling the nuns." Ironically enough, I've only actually had to call the nuns once. All the other times I needed something, they were already there, waiting for me to ask! On Thursday, I once again spent the day at Nazareth for Pre-Student Teaching Observations. However, this week was a little different because it was All Saints' Day and we were blessed with the opportunity to go to Mass! I absolutely love going to Mass with my Naz girls; there is something so beautiful about going to it. My favorite part, however, was getting able to sit with my closest Nazareth Sister. Sister David was the first sister I ever told I was maybe, possibly, quietly thinking about religious life. Without screaming her head off in excitement, she quietly said, "Oh I know, dear. I've known all along." Weird. But accurately true. Whenever I needed any type of guidance in the "religious life" area, I'd call her. Thursday, I was calling on her to pray with me and warm my heart. She came when I called and I kept calm.

     However, the endless saga of my life with the nuns continues as I went back to work on Thursday night. There is never a dull moment in this "life with the nuns" and most nights than not, something really weird happens in the Portress Office. I used to think it was just me, but apparently it happens to the other portresses just not as often. In the Portress Office is a mailbox for every single sister who lives at the Motherhouse. However, if any sister gets a package, it kind of just chills on the desk or the floor depending on the size. You can guess what was in the portress office this time: A giant package for one of the littlest sisters there. Before anyone could suggest she "wheel it up on the cart" she was opening it. I watched as a "mother of many" as paper quickly filled the floor and sisters quickly filled the office. Before I knew it, the whole office was filled with all sorts of sisters. Whenever hype is happening, they flock and it made my night. As the unveiling of a perfect painting took place, sisters were oohing and ahhing at the excitement! Meanwhile, a few sisters were trying to figure out a math problem resulting in much laughter from everyone else and a smile from me. I needed a smile, so the sisters came when I called and I kept calm.

      Friday was an absolutely long day as I worked both with Sister Cathy and at the Motherhouse. Of course, working with Sister Cathy is always a joyous and adventurously fun time. However, the calling of "my nun" didn't come until Mass when we weren't actually working. Every Friday (for the most part) I go to work at 9:30am and then we go to Mass together at noon since she is Sacristan. Most times than not, I get to read! Since yesterday was All Souls' Day, there were two readings. However, if you ever took a look at the book, you'd realize that there are actually a few less than a million reading options for Mass. So, of course, when she asked me to read, I said sure. Then I saw the book. Guess who came to the rescue?! Yep, Sister Cathy. And of course, we had a fun time sticky noting the lectionary. I'm pretty sure we made the best reading duo the noon Mass had ever seen! Sister Cathy (in that moment and in so many more) came when I called, and I kept calm. 

       Finally at the Motherhouse last night, I was in need of some ice cream, some laughter, and a fire department. The ice cream came about 6:30 when the halls, phones and doors were silent. I was casually reading some Ancient Greek Drama (for class...) when my dear Annie Fran showed up. Within a few moments, she was forgetting why she even came to the portress office in the first place and was sitting, chatting with me, checking up on me. It was so lovely finally catching some ice cream with her! A few minutes after she left, the sister carrying laughter came. Of course, this sister and I go back before her pre-convent days and so, laughter comes easy with us. It had been a while but finally, we caught up. During her visit, not only did the fire alarm go off, but also some random cell phone in the office and the regular phone. So, while I was checking the book for the Maintenance Man's home phone number, Sister Melissa was answering the desk phone and I was simultaneously answering the cell phone (that really, I had no idea it existed until last night). It was mass havoc, and I didn't know really what to do. So, I really called Sister Marie and she helped me with the fire alarm dilemma. And thank God, Sister Melissa was there, else I'd have had to call for backup. But because I called the nuns,  and they answered, I kept calm. 

       You see, I'm convinced that the sisters know everything. Well, about me. And that's because they are my sisters. Whenever I am in doubt, or I need help, or just need a smile or a laugh, I can literally call them anytime and they will be there for me! I am so blessed to have such beautiful women in my life who are always more than willing to help me out! I'm blessed to have my sisters who take time out of their day simply to just check up on me and those sisters who take time out of their day to delve into those really deep heart to heart conversations I need to have every so often. I'm blessed for the sisters who pray with me, and who laugh with me. I'm blessed that know that "Stay Calm and Call the Nuns" is extremely accurate for my life!

         On one final note, while I'm thinking of getting this made into a poster to hang in my room, I'm also thinking of having one made that says, "Stay Calm and ask the Portress" to send to the poor lost Mercy Sisters I helped out today. Having come to campus for the monthly In-Search workshop, they wound up on the wrong side. So, I gave them a few directions and lots of love to In-Search! It was great! Sometimes, actually, all the time, we have to pass on the blessings we are given to others! So, when you need to Keep Calm...what do you do? 

      

The Perfect First of Autumn

"The morns are meeker than they were, 

the nuts are getting brown; 

the berry's cheek is pumper,

the rose is out of town.

The maple wears a gayer scarf, 

the field a scarlet gown."

- Emily Dickinson, "Leaves"

    One of the many known facts about me is that I absolutely, positively, LOVE fall. I've always been in love with sweaters, pumpkins, apples, leaves, hayrides and everything that deals with fall. I find such absolute beauty in it from the way the wind seems to blow differently, to the smell of all things pumpkin spice, the joy I see on my little sisters' faces when we carve pumpkins. I love taking walks just when the leaves are changing colors and falling on the sidewalks. I love the multiple fall festivals and I love the fellowship it seems to have about it. I just love fall so much!

     Now as many of you may know, the first day of Autumn was today, and what a perfect day is was for me! Although, I was caught it shorts and a t-shirt (no sweaters in this 82 degree weather), it was beautiful. The fog rolled across the hill of back campus like a picturesque movie and the wind gave a soft whisper in my ear as I and my friends and peers piled into the school van. We were headed to help out the Chester County Food Bank with apple picking. I couldn't have been more excited! It was the perfect day!!

     We pulled up and right away half of us were pinned as not having the proper attire. Oops, didn't get that memo. The only reason we were meant to have pants though is because of poison ivy. Most of us didn't care, so we picked apples anyway. It often seems that the best things are high up and out of reach. The same happened with the apple. The best and the brightest of the apples were at the tops of the highest trees. What the normal person would do would be grab a ladder to reach. What we did was climb on each other's shoulders to pick the highest apples. We actually got the job done faster that way!!

     After three hours of straight apple picking, three bee stings (or kisses, as I like to call them), lots of laughter, tons of pictures and bushels of good fun, we picked over 2800 pounds of apples that day!! It was more than they had picked all week!! I guess with 13 people, we can really get a job done!! It seemed like such a perfect day, picking apples. But my Fall Fun wasn't over yet. 

     When we got back to school, my dear friend and I decided to don our aprons and go on a baking spree. Inspired by the apples we picked, we decided on some fall flavored fun foods, like pumpkin spice cookies and banana bread. YUM! For two and a half hours we baked and baked and baked. There are so many pros to baking in our dorm building. Not only do we get to have fun with each other while baking, we also get to feed to the hungry friends and sisters and share the joy. Being domestic, we decided, is one of our favorite hobbies. I can honestly say that in less than 24 hours, almost all but few cookies are gone!

     While baking with my Aproned Queen Partner in Crime, we decided a few things. One: All of our recipes that we've made in the past year and the next few years HAVE to go in a recipe book, that we are going to make my hand!! Because you know, we never do anything NOT from scratch!! Two: if we could change the world by baking for people, we would bake all the time. Three: Sister Cathy always gets first dibs on tasting. Four: There should always be a plate of something homemade somewhere!!! There's a beauty in that! 

      And so, the perfect first day of fall ended not just with providing the hungry with 2800 pounds of apples for apple sauce, but baking a bundle of fun for some many!! Oh how I wish I could bake all day, every day!!! 

Innovative way to get those apples at the top.

These overly friendly, kissing friends.

Thumbs up for 2800 pounds of apples.

"Even Jesus picks apples."

My beautiful RA catching apples!!

Pumpkin Spice cookies!!!

The Two Beautifil Aproned Baking Queens

The taste-testers!!

Melt Away

    First off, happy vocations awareness week! Booyah!! VOCATIONS! Pray, pray, pray for ALL vocations! 

    Vocations awareness week for me, wouldn't be the same if I didn't spend AT LEAST one of the days with my AE, also known as the vocation director or better yet, one of my best creative friends. If the two of us are in a room together for more than a single five second block of time, brain neurons start firing in each of our brains to each other during which we come up with CRAZY ideas...like melting crayons. And so, today we decided to just casually melt some crayons into wicked cool art. Below are the results!! I have to admit, the blue one is my favorite. As we melted, I thought of all the therapy this exercise could offer. I thought that for the blues, its the melting away of sadness. For the reds, anger. Or, you could give meaning to every emotion we feel or pain, assign it a color and melt it away making beautiful art instead. Yep, sometime I'll do art and music therapy with my students in the classroom! 

    As the day stretched on, I ran down the stairs (er...rode the elevator) to the community room to dedecorate because tomorrow officially starts ORDINARY TIME!!!! It's been a tradition for about FOUR years now!! Holy Wonder and Awe; I feel old. And yet, it seems like so much longer. All I can say is, thank God I did my laundry over the weekend because, the day didn't end with Decorations. No, I picked up my sisters from school, and headed home to make dinner. My last home-cooked meal before going back to college. And oh was it DELICIOUS! Thank God for cooking talents!

    The night was still young and so, I headed over to my other frequently visited convent to say my "good-byes" to my sisters before I left. Yes, it was a perfect night and a foreshadowing again. As I lounged about with the sisters, talking to one about her classes, another about her student teaching, another about Cake Boss, I felt so perfectly at home. Yes, I worked on Student Teaching things already with one of My Polish nuns and it felt strangely accurate of what convent life will be like for me. Talking to a sister about one thing, talking to another sister about another thing all the while fixing the computer, brainstorming ideas and watching the latest episode of Cake Boss. It's like family; me and all my sisters just hanging out, not a care in the world.  It's my definition of perfection. Actually, no, it's not. If I had my PJ's on and my own room to go to sleep in, that WOULD have been perfection! NUN SLEEPOVER! It makes me so anxious for our CREW Retreat...where it's even more of a perfect glimpse into my future! Me and a house full of nuns! Love it!!