"There is a time for speaking and time for silence; He is silencing your heart right now."
- Sister Teri
One of the first things people notice about me is that I have a loud mouth. Most people would agree that you hear me before you see me. I blame it on my height; I have to make up for my lack of height by my loud mouth. I won't go unnoticed. Those who know me will vouch for the fact that I LOVE to talk and the joke continues that I could talk to a brick wall if I needed to...or wanted to. There are different levels of talking for me such as the basic conversation, using conversation as a ministry, reading to the little ones at school and so much more. However, the usage of my voice doesn't stop there. I also love to sing and whether it's simply singing in the car, or singing in my room to the radio, or singing in Mass, if I'm not talking, I'm usually singing. I'm always using my voice.
And so, when I woke up on Friday morning with barely a voice, it was a minor tragedy. You see, I was headed to school that day and that drive is about an hour. To take the drive alone is one thing but to not be able to sing as loud as I needed to for an hour, I was going to die without my voice. All day, it fluctuated in and out of sounding normal and sounding like a deep baritone voice. Cute. I was spending the night at the convent at school and all Friday night and Saturday, the sisters playfully kept making fun of my lack of voice. As one sister put it, "This is Bec's greatest tragedy. She can't speak OR sing." I tried to laugh, but of course, my laughter was hindered, too. I have to admit it was quite amusing, even to myself.
However, by Tuesday night, I was getting frustrated. We were going on five days without a voice and I was not having it. I was even trying so hard NOT to use my voice. I resisted the temptation to call or skype people or even talk to my family. It was a hard challenge, but I did it. Regardless of how much I tried to gain back my voice, I had nothing, just the occasional baritone, whisper and frog voices.
While visiting the convent last night, still with no voice, a few of the sisters said that they really understood how much trouble I was having not being able to talk or sing, especially since singing is my favorite way to pray. One of the sisters told me she needed me to have a voice before our teen retreat week so I could sing for them. Another sister promised to pray for me so I regained my voice simply because five days without talking is a minor tragedy for anyone. Then finally, another sister said, "There is a time for speaking and time for silence; He is silencing your heart right now." My whole way home, in silence of course, I reflected on that. She was right; I needed to silence myself. As I am always constantly running and running and running from one thing to the next, I was in desperate need of some silence. So, I decided to stop fighting the silence, and really quieted myself when I got home. I fell asleep at 9:15pm. That never happens.
The next day, today, I wake up and head to Mass, still with no voice. As I am kneeling, it dawns on me that it is the Feast of St. Anthony of Padua. Many people know him as the patron of lost things. So, laughing to myself at this coincidence which is really a God-wink, I prayed for St. Anthony to help me find my lost voice. I could not sing the opening hymn, but I kid you not, the moment our pastor begin to talk to me after Mass, my voice was back 100%. Get this: He was asking me if I wouldn't mind doing an informal vocations chat with the young people of the Parish. What started as just having the young women/girls of the Parish be a part of this, turned into a co-ed night and then turned into a day of vocation chats with kids of all ages, and then turned into a potential informal information day for any one who might be wondering what my life as a discerner is like. Of course, the moment God wanted, I got my voice back.
And so, this week I have learned the lesson of silence, dependence on God and how He wants me to use my voice. I have to laugh because so many of my friends and even some of the sisters say I might turn out to be my community's vocation director one day. The truth is, I've already done so many vocation talks at my grade school and for different groups of people, that I have become the poster child for vocations. So, I am undoubtedly excited for this blessed opportunity to speak with all types of people about my journey so far and where it has lead me. And all of this from losing my voice for a few days!! I guess it wasn't really a tragedy or even a minor one at that!! God sure does work in mysterious ways!!
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