And So It Goes - A Journey of Self-Discovery

"In every heart there is a room, 

a sanctuary safe and strong.

I spoke to you in cautious tones 

and still I feel I've said too much.

But if my silence made you leave..."

- "And So It Goes," Billy Joel

     The other day, I went for a walk. When the weather's nice, or sometimes when it's not, I go for walks...alone. Sometimes, I go just because it's nice out and I am taking advantage of the weather that is a gift to me. Other times, I go for a walk as it has been suggested to me to do. And even other times, I go because if I don't go and get some peace and quiet time to myself, I might actually go crazy. The other day, it was not only a beautiful day that I was taking advantage of, but it was also a day I was feeling much need for peace and quiet. Each time I go for a walk, I find myself in deep, contemplative prayer and conversation with Jesus. So many things cross my mind and reflection overcomes my heart, soul and mind. When I first decide I want to go for a walk, I usually think of who might want to join me on my walk. But, alas, I am reminded quietly that I need this time for me to recharge. 

    While I was on my walk, I found myself, as always, admiring the sunset behind the buildings on campus and over the great valley our campus looks out over. I found myself inspecting the flowers, bending down to touch them, smell them, and in return, be touched by them. I found myself humming along to the latest church hymn Sister Regina got stuck in my head. I found myself closing my eyes, letting the soft breeze just bring me such peace of mind. I found myself smiling and laughing as I felt true Love overcome my soul once again. I found myself once again, in love with Jesus and Jesus in love with me. I felt peace. I had stopped to take a few pictures of the sunset, something I have always been captivated by, and realized through a random interaction with Snapchat, that the sun was perfectly shining behind me. So, while I am not one to take "selfies," I splurged and look how awesome it came out!?! Of course, the photographer in me had to update my facebook profile picture and when I did, my good friend posted: "stop thinking. it's hurting my head watching you think." Later, my aunt posted:  "always deep in thought, Becky." Suddenly, it hit me; how much thinking I actually do.

     In the past two weeks, I haven't been able to sleep "normally." I'm sure many of you have experienced this every so often: you are exhausted and suddenly you lay down in your bed, you head hits the pillow and your mind automatically wakes up. That's how it's been every single night for me. I'll lay down in bed (finally) and lay awake for another two to three hours just thinking...about everything. Of course, this thinking is what I call deep reflection. I am such a reflector, a contemplative, a thinker. In the most recent past few nights, I have realized quite a few things about myself; things I've always known but which have suddenly taken on a new stride.

     I began to think about my personal relationships and my habits. I have always said, a person doesn't truly know me until they've seen me laugh, they've seen me cry and they've seen me laugh until I've cried. This is true because I don't cry in front of people easily. In fact, it may take me years to trust a person enough to cry in front of them. However, there is one personal relationship that came to mind right away. She's someone I have seen literally almost every day for the past three years whether it's randomly on campus, at mass, at work or in our resident hall. If I told you I never cried in front of her, it would be the biggest lie I have ever told. But what struck me the most as I reflected on this relationship was how quiet I usually am with her despite her knowing so much about me. I am so soft-spoken, so reflective, so very quiet with her around. Some of you might be thinking, well how on earth is that possible; she's the girl that never shuts up. Sometimes, this is true; I do often have a lot to say. However, while reflecting on this relationship, I also realized that when I am with my few close friends, silence does not bother me. I could very easily sit with a friend at coffee and not say a word and that's okay for me.

     Often times, many people see me as the boisterous one with tons of energy. Did you know that introverts can have tons of energy around people? It's true. What makes a person an introvert is where they get that energy from. While I may very easily be that loud-mouthed girl you met at orientation, or the one running the show, at the end of the day, I need to go back to my room and be silent and just think for an hour or so. I get my energy from being alone. This is why, in the morning although I wake up at 6:30 every morning, I don't usually have my first conversation with people until about noon. While I spend a good hour with the sisters every morning, usually I just quietly nod or smile but no conversation is had. Even when I first walk into work, I'm quiet and not yet ready for conversation. Also, after stimulating my mind so greatly in class by so much academic thinking and speaking, I have to go back to my room and just be until I feel ready to fall asleep while most of my friends hang out or head to the library with friends. And so, while I can very easily be such a people person, being around so many people exhausts me and I need a little me time to recover from so much activity.

      The other day at work, it was a long and arduous Saturday, I found myself staring out the window, deep in thought when a sister came through the side door and scared the begeebies out of me. "What were you doing?" she asked. I just answered, "Oh...thinking." I think at work that day, I wrote a total of seven poems over 8 hours and a letter. What was I doing while not writing (and answering the phone)? Thinking. I realized I often find myself just thinking at work. Doing nothing but thinking is totally a thing and is totally acceptable in my book. When I was younger, I had a friend who would often visit my house late at night. When it was nice out and sometimes when it was freezing, we would sit outside and just watch the stars either laying the grass or in the bed of my dad's pick-up truck. There would be nothing but silence until finally he would say, "Jeez, Bec, what are you thinking about?"  "Just, stuff, I guess," I would answer. 

      I never really realized how much I think and reflect on life until recently. No one really brought it to much attention, I just sort of came to it on my own. All my life, I've been know as an extrovert. I'm loud when I'm with people, I'm always willing to take chances and go on random adventures. I'm a people person; I know how to talk to people and just talk in general. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I am such an introvert. I long for those periods of my day where I can go be myself on a walk. I long to share time and space with often just one other person without having to say a word. And I know that when I truly trust a person, I don't mind being quiet with them. Of course, it's those quiet moments that really bring me peace.

      The other day, I heard this most amazing song: And So It Goes. Billy Joel has always been a favorite of mine and I was surprised I had never heard this song before. It's literally been on replay over and over as I write this blog post. I have read the lyrics many times and contemplated them. Then I realized that the song expresses how I feel with all people when I really am truly myself. And so it goes, my friends, that this girl who has always been labeled an introvert just openly expressed being an introvert deep down inside. And woah....what a feat that truly was. In the words of one of my best friends and fellow introverts, "It's been nice getting to know myself. And it's kind of cool that this journey of self-discovery will never end, at least here on earth." Every day, we learn more and more about ourselves if we let God show us. And look, in just the past two weeks I have learned so much about myself, it's crazy. If only we could be this open all the time...God just wants us to know who we are and Who it is that resides within our souls. Don't worry, God loves both the extroverts and the introverts!