Fluff Removal

"If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, 

be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear."

- A.A. Milne, "Winnie-the-Pooh

     A few weeks ago, I was asked to give a talk to middle school students at an EDGE program. I was asked to speak about vocations and my personal discernment journey. As I was preparing for this talk, I was struggling with how to relate this to the students. Of course, it wasn't until I arrived there that I thought of how I could do it. I usually relate communication with God to music as there is usually at least one student who plays an instrument. While I did that, I also related it to one of my favorite Winnie-the-Pooh quotes. 

     Winnie-the-Pooh has always been a favorite of mine to quote. Of course, Pooh has even more significance as I get older. He not only reminds me of one of my closest Sisters but he also seems more and more relatable. And whenever he pops up, I feel like I am getting a special sign from God. So, because he is so familiar to me, I felt it was perfect to share with the students the above quotation. 

     I told the students about the quotation and I said that sometimes God is speaking to us but we have fluff in our ears. I asked them to imagine having an earache and having the cotton ball the nurse gives us in our ear. Remember the feeling that you know someone is speaking but you can't really hear them that well? Well, that's how fluff is. But sometimes some people have more fluff than other people. Pooh has warned against this fluff stuff. And our God is so patient that He understands when we have fluff in our ears. He speaks and waits for us to remove the fluff. Although, sometimes we even need help removing the fluff.

     I want to go back to Winnie and one of my closest Sisters. I'm not sure why but she loves Winnie-the-Pooh. As I went through my college years, I began to feel more and more like a Piglet to her Winnie-the-Pooh. Piglet is always unsure of things and Pooh always has the answers. Pooh always had something of significance to say, even if it sometimes didn't make sense. He was confident in whatever he said, confident in whatever he did, confident in who he was. And of course, he was patient. He was so because he recognized that sometimes fluff happens. Sister was always that figure of Pooh to me. And I was always Piglet. My favorite Piglet/Pooh conversation? "Piglet sidled up to Pooh. 'Pooh?' he whispered? 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing, I just wanted to be sure of you.'" Sometimes we don't need words, we just need to be sure of one another. And I always felt like I needed to be sure that Sis would always be there for me. 

     So, when I started telling the students about having fluff in their ears and not being able to hear God's words clearly, I began to also hear Sis say, "remove the fluff from your own ear." I'm not sure if that's something she would say, but I could imagine her relating my current spiritual distress to Pooh in some way, shape, or form. And because that quotation was so fresh in my mind, I figured she might equate it to the fluff in my own ears. I told the students that God is always speaking to us, we just simply need to listen. And even if we listen really, really, really hard, if we have fluff in our ears, His voice won't be clear.

     A few weeks before I gave this EDGE talk, I had signed up for a silent, private retreat. I had been searching for silence. As an introvert, I need silence and alone time to function. However, I am in a profession and ministry that surrounds me with people. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it had been seemingly difficult to find some silence and alone time. So, out of spiritual desperation, I signed up for a silent retreat. Confirmations from God always happen in threes for me. So I had called another Sister friend and asked her about her suggestion for a silent retreat. She mentioned the place where I had just booked my retreat. I then went to one of the Sisters with whom I work and asked for her suggestion. She said the same place. My third confirmation came later when my Dad told me that my grandfather with whom I had been very close in my early years, had often went there for retreat. I knew I was meant to go there. I knew that my needs for silence and for a retreat was real. 

     It has been a while since I've been on retreat and so it was time for one. I felt I needed silence, not necessarily a directed, silent, retreat, but just silence. I was ready and excited to go and be away from all the confusing, conflicting, exciting, energetic aspects of my life, because truly in the past few months, things have just built and built. I knew this because I know myself. But when I was speaking to the students, I realized, my confusion was probably coming from not being able to listen and hear God clearly. My own confusion was coming from having a small (or rather large) piece of fluff in my ears. And so, in a few minutes, after the final bell of the day rings, I am going to embark on my journey to a silent retreat. I have packed a few prayer books, my bible, my journal, some looseleaf, some snuggly pjs but most importantly, I have my walking boots. The only thing I plan on doing aside from participating in liturgy, is walking and walking pretty far. I will walk in silence to a place where I can remove the fluff and finally, hear God's voice clearly again. As I've told a few people, I'm going on retreat to figure out life. But in reality, I never will. Only God knows His plan for me. 

     And so, as I embark on this journey for the weekend, I have reached out and asked people if they have any special intentions they would like me to carry with me. My students, co-workers and friends have filled two pages back to back of intentions. I will carry your intentions with me as well. My journey begins in about ten minutes. I'll start be grabbing a Chestnut Praline Latte for the long car ride and I will be on my way. You're in my prayers. And to give you your own experience of silence, I'm not adding a song this time. Enjoy. 

And So It Goes - A Journey of Self-Discovery

"In every heart there is a room, 

a sanctuary safe and strong.

I spoke to you in cautious tones 

and still I feel I've said too much.

But if my silence made you leave..."

- "And So It Goes," Billy Joel

     The other day, I went for a walk. When the weather's nice, or sometimes when it's not, I go for walks...alone. Sometimes, I go just because it's nice out and I am taking advantage of the weather that is a gift to me. Other times, I go for a walk as it has been suggested to me to do. And even other times, I go because if I don't go and get some peace and quiet time to myself, I might actually go crazy. The other day, it was not only a beautiful day that I was taking advantage of, but it was also a day I was feeling much need for peace and quiet. Each time I go for a walk, I find myself in deep, contemplative prayer and conversation with Jesus. So many things cross my mind and reflection overcomes my heart, soul and mind. When I first decide I want to go for a walk, I usually think of who might want to join me on my walk. But, alas, I am reminded quietly that I need this time for me to recharge. 

    While I was on my walk, I found myself, as always, admiring the sunset behind the buildings on campus and over the great valley our campus looks out over. I found myself inspecting the flowers, bending down to touch them, smell them, and in return, be touched by them. I found myself humming along to the latest church hymn Sister Regina got stuck in my head. I found myself closing my eyes, letting the soft breeze just bring me such peace of mind. I found myself smiling and laughing as I felt true Love overcome my soul once again. I found myself once again, in love with Jesus and Jesus in love with me. I felt peace. I had stopped to take a few pictures of the sunset, something I have always been captivated by, and realized through a random interaction with Snapchat, that the sun was perfectly shining behind me. So, while I am not one to take "selfies," I splurged and look how awesome it came out!?! Of course, the photographer in me had to update my facebook profile picture and when I did, my good friend posted: "stop thinking. it's hurting my head watching you think." Later, my aunt posted:  "always deep in thought, Becky." Suddenly, it hit me; how much thinking I actually do.

     In the past two weeks, I haven't been able to sleep "normally." I'm sure many of you have experienced this every so often: you are exhausted and suddenly you lay down in your bed, you head hits the pillow and your mind automatically wakes up. That's how it's been every single night for me. I'll lay down in bed (finally) and lay awake for another two to three hours just thinking...about everything. Of course, this thinking is what I call deep reflection. I am such a reflector, a contemplative, a thinker. In the most recent past few nights, I have realized quite a few things about myself; things I've always known but which have suddenly taken on a new stride.

     I began to think about my personal relationships and my habits. I have always said, a person doesn't truly know me until they've seen me laugh, they've seen me cry and they've seen me laugh until I've cried. This is true because I don't cry in front of people easily. In fact, it may take me years to trust a person enough to cry in front of them. However, there is one personal relationship that came to mind right away. She's someone I have seen literally almost every day for the past three years whether it's randomly on campus, at mass, at work or in our resident hall. If I told you I never cried in front of her, it would be the biggest lie I have ever told. But what struck me the most as I reflected on this relationship was how quiet I usually am with her despite her knowing so much about me. I am so soft-spoken, so reflective, so very quiet with her around. Some of you might be thinking, well how on earth is that possible; she's the girl that never shuts up. Sometimes, this is true; I do often have a lot to say. However, while reflecting on this relationship, I also realized that when I am with my few close friends, silence does not bother me. I could very easily sit with a friend at coffee and not say a word and that's okay for me.

     Often times, many people see me as the boisterous one with tons of energy. Did you know that introverts can have tons of energy around people? It's true. What makes a person an introvert is where they get that energy from. While I may very easily be that loud-mouthed girl you met at orientation, or the one running the show, at the end of the day, I need to go back to my room and be silent and just think for an hour or so. I get my energy from being alone. This is why, in the morning although I wake up at 6:30 every morning, I don't usually have my first conversation with people until about noon. While I spend a good hour with the sisters every morning, usually I just quietly nod or smile but no conversation is had. Even when I first walk into work, I'm quiet and not yet ready for conversation. Also, after stimulating my mind so greatly in class by so much academic thinking and speaking, I have to go back to my room and just be until I feel ready to fall asleep while most of my friends hang out or head to the library with friends. And so, while I can very easily be such a people person, being around so many people exhausts me and I need a little me time to recover from so much activity.

      The other day at work, it was a long and arduous Saturday, I found myself staring out the window, deep in thought when a sister came through the side door and scared the begeebies out of me. "What were you doing?" she asked. I just answered, "Oh...thinking." I think at work that day, I wrote a total of seven poems over 8 hours and a letter. What was I doing while not writing (and answering the phone)? Thinking. I realized I often find myself just thinking at work. Doing nothing but thinking is totally a thing and is totally acceptable in my book. When I was younger, I had a friend who would often visit my house late at night. When it was nice out and sometimes when it was freezing, we would sit outside and just watch the stars either laying the grass or in the bed of my dad's pick-up truck. There would be nothing but silence until finally he would say, "Jeez, Bec, what are you thinking about?"  "Just, stuff, I guess," I would answer. 

      I never really realized how much I think and reflect on life until recently. No one really brought it to much attention, I just sort of came to it on my own. All my life, I've been know as an extrovert. I'm loud when I'm with people, I'm always willing to take chances and go on random adventures. I'm a people person; I know how to talk to people and just talk in general. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I am such an introvert. I long for those periods of my day where I can go be myself on a walk. I long to share time and space with often just one other person without having to say a word. And I know that when I truly trust a person, I don't mind being quiet with them. Of course, it's those quiet moments that really bring me peace.

      The other day, I heard this most amazing song: And So It Goes. Billy Joel has always been a favorite of mine and I was surprised I had never heard this song before. It's literally been on replay over and over as I write this blog post. I have read the lyrics many times and contemplated them. Then I realized that the song expresses how I feel with all people when I really am truly myself. And so it goes, my friends, that this girl who has always been labeled an introvert just openly expressed being an introvert deep down inside. And woah....what a feat that truly was. In the words of one of my best friends and fellow introverts, "It's been nice getting to know myself. And it's kind of cool that this journey of self-discovery will never end, at least here on earth." Every day, we learn more and more about ourselves if we let God show us. And look, in just the past two weeks I have learned so much about myself, it's crazy. If only we could be this open all the time...God just wants us to know who we are and Who it is that resides within our souls. Don't worry, God loves both the extroverts and the introverts!