Being Bread, Blessed and Broken

"Bread, blessed and broken for us all.

Symbol of Your love from the grain so tall.

Bread of life You give to us, 

Bread of life for all."

- Michael Lynch

    It's been a very LONG time since I've blogged but let me catch you up why before I get into this post. Once I arrived safely home from Peru (I still miss it every day...more and more as each day passes...), I was well on my way back to IU for ten days for Orientation Training and then four intense days of New Student Orientation. I left our second session of Orientation a few hours early (after having a sweet and much needed chat with Sister Cathy) and headed for CREW (Community Rocks Everyone's World). I went from one community of sisters to another and back again. I went from convent living to residence hall living to convent living in a residence hall setting. In the process of those two weeks I did a plethora of things such as: meet tons of new people, fall in love (again and again), work my behind off in sweltering hot conditions, reflect and lose a lot of sleep. I wouldn't trade these past few weeks for anything in the world because I am a true believer in the fact that I am always exactly in the location that God needs me in. That is, I know that wherever I am, with whomever I am, I am always where God intended. However, that wasn't all. As you can well imagine, I did an awful lot of thinking. Doing a lot of traveling alone (eg driving in my car) gives me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life, where I have been and where I am going. 

     It started when I left my residence hall early Saturday morning to drive home to Mount Nazareth for Mass and then to help my dear CSFN Sisters set up and prep for CREW 2013. It typically takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to get from Croydon to IU and vice versa. It was smooth sailing down the turnpike that early in the morning and I couldn't help but praise the Lord all the way there. I was going to see my dear Sister Bernice one more time before she headed back home to CT AND celebrate Mass with my sisters. Most of my thinking on the way home was about the previous week I had had at school during training and then during the first Orientation Session. I had met many new students, bonded with my already very close friends and shared a bit of my Peru experience with them. 

     After Mass, breakfast and set up, I was soon on my way back to IU. Since I was already in the city, I decided to head home by a different way. However, since I was away for a month, I had forgotten about the miserable construction and traffic route 95 provides at any time during any day. The normal one hour ride took me two and let me tell you, I was not a happy camper. I finally made it back to school and jumped right back into Orientation mood only to jump right out again on Tuesday as I started CREW. 

     I arrived at CREW just in time for supper and left shortly after to attend a viewing for a dear and very loved Parish family member. It was so difficult to hold back my tears as I said goodbye to one of my number one cheerleaders here on earth. She was always uplifting me and doing her best to keep me in prayer and thought. The line was longer than imaginable and even there I did some of my best reflection and prayer. Standing among my Parish family there was tons to think about and think did I do. 

     I can honestly say that in the past two weeks I have experienced a lot along the emotional and spiritual roller coasters. I was struggling to truly find words to speak about or even write about but I couldn't. No, not until Wednesday evening when we were sitting as a CREW and CSFN Family during Sister Romuald's funeral. The dear woman, one who I have blogged about once before, was in her nineties and had lived a most beautiful life. The chapel was filled and so, we girlies had to bring with us into chapel chairs from the dining room. I sat by myself in the back as a mother looking upon her CREW children and as a little sister looking with awe upon her older sisters and wisdom figures. For the first time in a very long time, I realized, I was able to belt out the hymns during Mass and sing in harmony with many other beautiful voices. I realized this as Sister Josepha played "Bread, Blessed and Broken" on the organ and my heart began to leap for joy in this realization. The next morning all my thoughts from the past two weeks hit me...

      Bread, Blessed and Broken. This song, for any Catholic, is an obvious one; it's all about Jesus. It's about Jesus becoming the Eucharist, the bread and the wine we drink. It's a song begging Jesus to come into our hearts and minds to ease the pains and to make us whole again. It's about proclaiming one's love for Jesus from the very beginning of life to the very end. I found the song so fitting for the funeral of Sister Romuald and then the next day, found it so fitting for my life. You see, I took that song for a very deep reflection. In fact, I was almost scrambling around for a pen in the middle of Mass. But I knew no one would have one so I tried really hard to remember...and to sit still. We are called, as Christians, Christ to others. That is, just as Christ took on flesh to save us, we are to put on Christ and be Him for the world. Jesus, at every Mass transforms from bread to Eucharist, blessed and broken. And so, if we were to become Christ, we are to become Bread, Blessed and Broken. 

    In my life, I can honestly, I have been through many trials and tribulations. Because I have been bread for others in my personal putting on of Christ, I have been so blessed. But, like many, I had forgotten that being bread for others also entailed me as broken. Often when I am aching and I feel like my heart is breaking, I question God. I ask Him why on earth things hurt so much. Why do things such as leaving someone you love or having someone you love leave you, hurt so much. Well, it's a three fold reflection here. 

    I have learned easily to love much and love many (all). I can easily love those around me and those who seem so far away (my dear ones in NOLA, Jamaica and now, Peru). You saw me write in the course of the past two weeks, I have fallen in love. Yes, I have. Not for the first time and not for the last time. I met new people and learned to love them quickly upon first meeting them and without judgement. But I also spent a lot of time with my very close friends, both guys and gals, with whom, I felt a much deeper connection by the end of the week. Bread, as you know, especially if you eat it, fills one up. It reduces hunger quickly and often, is a staple at many meals. Being bread calls for me to love and fulfill the need for love in others. Falling in love was easy, I had that part of being bread down pat. Although, and I'm not quite sure if Jesus (or actual bread) experienced this, but sometimes I can fall in love too far. While this happens on rare occasion, I can sometimes find myself falling a little further in love with one of my very close guy friends. That may or may not have happened this week. Regardless, it usually nevers goes much beyond me thinking how great of a husband that young man may be. I often can't help falling in love with everyone. 

    The blessed part also comes very easy to me. You see, I have learned (not perfected) to see God in maybe of my day to day life situations, even in the unfortunate ones. Just like Laura Story says, "Maybe Your blessings come through raindrops." I know that I am so blessed. At the end of every day, I thank God for all the blessings with which He provided me. At my waking each day, I find myself thanking God that I awoke that morning. Sometimes, if I am experiencing a case of the Debbie Downers, I will answer your "How are yah?" with an, "I'm alright, I'm alive." I know that whatever God sends me during any day is what I need. I may not know it at the time, but I know that I can trust Him. Perhaps this might be the easiest part of being bread. 

    The hardest part is this: the suffering. Of the many things I have experienced in the past two weeks in the transferring of two of my closest sisters. And when I mean closest, I mean, I can already feel the distance between us. I have experienced this time and time and time again and I know it is a part of religious life regardless of the community. I thought that I had come to peace with the fact that moving is a part of life. I told myself, if I am not okay with it now when others are transferring, how am I ever going to be able to handle it myself when it comes time for me to leave a place I have so long called home? And so, I thanked God for the blessings of Facebook, Email, Telephone and Skype. Even though the sisters who have moved far away have been so close, I took it all to prayer and came to the peace. However, this time around it seemed to hurt a little bit more. Why? Well I'm not too sure. But perhaps  it is because it feels like the wounds have been reopened. I know there is always a means to communicate, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt to feel the distance. And yes, I know the pain is all part of being human, so I embrace it. But it still stinks....alot. 

     The truth is this: I have realized that the brokenness of being bread comes first. Whether it is to my sisters, my family, my friends or those I am just meeting for the very first time, I must give them a piece of myself. I am the loaf and in loving them, I must break off a piece for each person I come in contact with. I, without realizing, had already been broken so many times. But, I never really thought about it in this way. It is allowed to hurt, because Jesus hurt. Jesus was just as human as you and me and He hurt, too. He was broken in so many ways, when He lost Lazarus, when He was beaten on the road to Calvary, when He felt betrayed. He was broken to give of Himself. We are broken not in the literal sense but rather figuratively. We are broken to give ourselves to one another and we are broken because we are human. And with the brokenness of giving a piece of ourselves to every person we meet, we are blessed tenfold in return. 

      After reflecting on this, after falling a little too far in love again, after experiencing the pain of losing those I love both from this earth and in the transferring, after experience intense graces and prayer in the past two weeks, I can honestly say I know now what it means when God calls us on to be Bread for the World. We are called to be Bread, Blessed and Broken and by george, I think, that with the help of many, I can do it. 

And So It Goes - A Journey of Self-Discovery

"In every heart there is a room, 

a sanctuary safe and strong.

I spoke to you in cautious tones 

and still I feel I've said too much.

But if my silence made you leave..."

- "And So It Goes," Billy Joel

     The other day, I went for a walk. When the weather's nice, or sometimes when it's not, I go for walks...alone. Sometimes, I go just because it's nice out and I am taking advantage of the weather that is a gift to me. Other times, I go for a walk as it has been suggested to me to do. And even other times, I go because if I don't go and get some peace and quiet time to myself, I might actually go crazy. The other day, it was not only a beautiful day that I was taking advantage of, but it was also a day I was feeling much need for peace and quiet. Each time I go for a walk, I find myself in deep, contemplative prayer and conversation with Jesus. So many things cross my mind and reflection overcomes my heart, soul and mind. When I first decide I want to go for a walk, I usually think of who might want to join me on my walk. But, alas, I am reminded quietly that I need this time for me to recharge. 

    While I was on my walk, I found myself, as always, admiring the sunset behind the buildings on campus and over the great valley our campus looks out over. I found myself inspecting the flowers, bending down to touch them, smell them, and in return, be touched by them. I found myself humming along to the latest church hymn Sister Regina got stuck in my head. I found myself closing my eyes, letting the soft breeze just bring me such peace of mind. I found myself smiling and laughing as I felt true Love overcome my soul once again. I found myself once again, in love with Jesus and Jesus in love with me. I felt peace. I had stopped to take a few pictures of the sunset, something I have always been captivated by, and realized through a random interaction with Snapchat, that the sun was perfectly shining behind me. So, while I am not one to take "selfies," I splurged and look how awesome it came out!?! Of course, the photographer in me had to update my facebook profile picture and when I did, my good friend posted: "stop thinking. it's hurting my head watching you think." Later, my aunt posted:  "always deep in thought, Becky." Suddenly, it hit me; how much thinking I actually do.

     In the past two weeks, I haven't been able to sleep "normally." I'm sure many of you have experienced this every so often: you are exhausted and suddenly you lay down in your bed, you head hits the pillow and your mind automatically wakes up. That's how it's been every single night for me. I'll lay down in bed (finally) and lay awake for another two to three hours just thinking...about everything. Of course, this thinking is what I call deep reflection. I am such a reflector, a contemplative, a thinker. In the most recent past few nights, I have realized quite a few things about myself; things I've always known but which have suddenly taken on a new stride.

     I began to think about my personal relationships and my habits. I have always said, a person doesn't truly know me until they've seen me laugh, they've seen me cry and they've seen me laugh until I've cried. This is true because I don't cry in front of people easily. In fact, it may take me years to trust a person enough to cry in front of them. However, there is one personal relationship that came to mind right away. She's someone I have seen literally almost every day for the past three years whether it's randomly on campus, at mass, at work or in our resident hall. If I told you I never cried in front of her, it would be the biggest lie I have ever told. But what struck me the most as I reflected on this relationship was how quiet I usually am with her despite her knowing so much about me. I am so soft-spoken, so reflective, so very quiet with her around. Some of you might be thinking, well how on earth is that possible; she's the girl that never shuts up. Sometimes, this is true; I do often have a lot to say. However, while reflecting on this relationship, I also realized that when I am with my few close friends, silence does not bother me. I could very easily sit with a friend at coffee and not say a word and that's okay for me.

     Often times, many people see me as the boisterous one with tons of energy. Did you know that introverts can have tons of energy around people? It's true. What makes a person an introvert is where they get that energy from. While I may very easily be that loud-mouthed girl you met at orientation, or the one running the show, at the end of the day, I need to go back to my room and be silent and just think for an hour or so. I get my energy from being alone. This is why, in the morning although I wake up at 6:30 every morning, I don't usually have my first conversation with people until about noon. While I spend a good hour with the sisters every morning, usually I just quietly nod or smile but no conversation is had. Even when I first walk into work, I'm quiet and not yet ready for conversation. Also, after stimulating my mind so greatly in class by so much academic thinking and speaking, I have to go back to my room and just be until I feel ready to fall asleep while most of my friends hang out or head to the library with friends. And so, while I can very easily be such a people person, being around so many people exhausts me and I need a little me time to recover from so much activity.

      The other day at work, it was a long and arduous Saturday, I found myself staring out the window, deep in thought when a sister came through the side door and scared the begeebies out of me. "What were you doing?" she asked. I just answered, "Oh...thinking." I think at work that day, I wrote a total of seven poems over 8 hours and a letter. What was I doing while not writing (and answering the phone)? Thinking. I realized I often find myself just thinking at work. Doing nothing but thinking is totally a thing and is totally acceptable in my book. When I was younger, I had a friend who would often visit my house late at night. When it was nice out and sometimes when it was freezing, we would sit outside and just watch the stars either laying the grass or in the bed of my dad's pick-up truck. There would be nothing but silence until finally he would say, "Jeez, Bec, what are you thinking about?"  "Just, stuff, I guess," I would answer. 

      I never really realized how much I think and reflect on life until recently. No one really brought it to much attention, I just sort of came to it on my own. All my life, I've been know as an extrovert. I'm loud when I'm with people, I'm always willing to take chances and go on random adventures. I'm a people person; I know how to talk to people and just talk in general. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I am such an introvert. I long for those periods of my day where I can go be myself on a walk. I long to share time and space with often just one other person without having to say a word. And I know that when I truly trust a person, I don't mind being quiet with them. Of course, it's those quiet moments that really bring me peace.

      The other day, I heard this most amazing song: And So It Goes. Billy Joel has always been a favorite of mine and I was surprised I had never heard this song before. It's literally been on replay over and over as I write this blog post. I have read the lyrics many times and contemplated them. Then I realized that the song expresses how I feel with all people when I really am truly myself. And so it goes, my friends, that this girl who has always been labeled an introvert just openly expressed being an introvert deep down inside. And woah....what a feat that truly was. In the words of one of my best friends and fellow introverts, "It's been nice getting to know myself. And it's kind of cool that this journey of self-discovery will never end, at least here on earth." Every day, we learn more and more about ourselves if we let God show us. And look, in just the past two weeks I have learned so much about myself, it's crazy. If only we could be this open all the time...God just wants us to know who we are and Who it is that resides within our souls. Don't worry, God loves both the extroverts and the introverts! 

How To Survive Convent Life - Lesson #4

"In order to survive convent life,
one must learn to laugh at oneself for one's mistakes
and at God's humorous events.
One must find true joy in the Lord. "
- Lesson #4

      One of my all time favorite books is the classic, In This House of Brede by Rumer Godden. Within the first 100 pages of the book, the reader meets Sister Julian, a young Benedictine Sister who is "trying her vocation" in the monastery of Brede. Right away, I felt companionship and solidarity with Sister Julian because she loves to laugh. In fact one of the sisters said about her, "She did great things but I think the best of them was that she taught me to laugh." I, like Sister Julian, simply love to laugh.

     On my second day in Jamaica, my dear "companion on the journey," Sister Mary, said to me, "Becca, I've never seen someone laugh as much as you." I simply replied, "Sister, I love to laugh." In return, she said, "That, my dear, is truly a gift you have." I reflected on her words, as I always have with words about my laughter. I came to the conclusion that she was right; it is a gift I can laugh at so much. 

      On our last day, our travel home day, I got stopped at customs and had to answer a few questions. When I stuttered on one of my answers, the US customs worker questioned me further. I simply smiled, gave a little laugh, and in return, his stern face embraced a smile, too and then he waved me through. Sister, who was waiting on the other side of customs, watched the whole event take place. When I finally caught up to her, she said, "You avoided a lot of trouble for both of us this past week with that winning smile and gentle smile. You've got everyone wrapped around your finger by your joy." I simply smiled in return. Later, I said to her, "Sister, you know, when you share a smile, things change instantly." It's the truth.

      Last night, I made an impromptu visit to the convent at home. I was seriously planning on only staying for maybe a half an hour. However, I should have expected that, like any visit there, I would be there for a few hours. I was there for three and a half. As I enthralled the sisters, my sisters, with story after story after story of my journey, we laughed so hard; all of us, together. I distinctly remember one of my dearest Sisters, casually strolling into the community room, where we were are seated, and when she saw me, came over and "tackled" me in only a way a Sister could. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tight telling me how glad she was that I was home. I laughed and laughed. I told all the sisters about my laughter in Jamaica and with their smiles, they agreed; I DO love to laugh. 

       Laughing with my Sisters last night and sharing all the conversations did remind me that I missed that while I was away. With my Sisters, despite the age gaps between us, I can share anything, and we did share so much. I shared about the struggles I had while in Jamaica, the personality conflicts, and yet, my understanding of why things happen the way they did. I shared about having to bite my tongue, to let things go and to not let things bother me. I shared very personal things with these women, things I could really only share with them. And during our conversation, they allowed me to reflect on so many aspects of my trip, giving me the chance to search deeper within myself and how I was affected. At the end of the night, when I was saying good-bye to the Sisters that lasted til the "end of the night," one Sister whispered in my ear, "Your understanding, insight and depth have truly proven the young woman you have become. It's beautiful." 

       As I drove home, I used the time to think about the laughter, the stories and the "growing up" I've shared with these women over the years. They have played such a great part in raising me as a young women, as much as my own family, and I feel so connected in out hearts. These women have graced me with more than they know; they are family. For with who else can one laugh, cry, share, and be so deeply, personal than family? 

       Often, I replace Sister Julian's name with my own in my favorite line from Brede: "Julian was the only one who laughed, but then, Julian obviously felt at home. Sister Julian belongs here." I feel as if I belong, simply by sharing my laughter...both in Jamaica and at home.