Are We Really Human?

"To hurt is as human as it is to breathe."

- J.K. Rowling

"We're all human aren't we? Every human life is worth the same

and worth saving."

- J.K. Rowling

   I absolutely love when my pastor and I are on the same wavelength. What I mean is that I love those days when I am sitting in the pew at Mass, reflecting on the Scriptures and suddenly, when Father starts the Homily it's the same exact thing I was thinking. It takes all of my self-control to resist running up to the altar and high-fiving him. Today, was one of those days.

   When I got asked if I would read at Mass today, I was overjoyed. I read often at school and I had been missing it. However one thing I was not looking forward to was reading the extremely long readings from Genesis. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the stories of our very beginnings and I think the history behind the whole church is fantastic. The stories of Abram and Sarai cut to the core of my very being. But, I truly feel for the lectors during these days of long church history. However, I got really lucky today as it is the Feast of the Apostle, Thomas. You know, the doubting one. He's the one everyone always gives grief to. Like, Thomas, we didn't need to see JC and we knew it was him. Like Blessed are we (more so than you) 'cus we already knew. Hey Thomas, you just had to stick your hand in His side, didn't you? Just believe already. WOAH! Guys! Please! Give the guy a break!

    It's so true, there is something to be said for those who can truly believe without having to see. But just how as often we say to the child who says her homework is done, "I won't believe it til I see it," we so often say it to God. God says to us, "Good things are on their way," and we only respond, "Well I won't believe it til I see it." The truth is, I like Thomas. I like him a lot. And here's why:

    Thomas wasn't afraid to speak up and say, "I don't believe it til I see it." He wasn't scared to state his doubt. He wasn't afraid to be human. So often we are encouraged to believe without seeing. So often, we are called on to put our faith in something invisible. But rarely are we encouraged to embrace our humanness. Believing without seeing is a practice most can never master. Yes, we may be able to believe in angels and saints. Yes, we may believe in God. But for one to fully believe that God has got this all, that He knows exactly where you are going, without having any signs visible to you, is true mastery. My point is this: yes, we should practice believing without seeing for truly blessed are they who can do so. However, it takes a long time to get to the mastery of such fait. Mastery that even Thomas didn't have.

      What Thomas does for us as fellow followers of Christ is that he allows us to embrace humanness. What does it truly mean to be human? It's a topic I have discussed greatly with so many recently. So often I find that we hide our emotions, our sensitivity, our love, our upsettedness from others. But why? Our emotions are part of what makes us human? Thomas embraced the emotions of fear and doubt. How often do we go through life saying we shouldn't be afraid, or we shouldn't have gotten angry, or we shouldn't have let something get to us the way it did? The truth is, those emotions are what make us human. If we didn't cry, if we didn't get angry, if we didn't fear, we wouldn't be human. Even Jesus cried at the death of Lazarus, he cursed the fig tree out of anger, he questioned what God wanted of Him in the garden the night before His death. He cried, He got angry, He was scared. It's all part of being human. And so, what we really should do instead of disown these beautiful, human emotions we experience, is to change they way we react when we experience them. My fellow humans, embrace those emotions because even Jesus Himself felt them. 

      Another aspect Thomas teaches us about being human is this: the affect physical touch has on a person. I come from an upbringing that involves hugs and kisses galore. You don't walk into the house without a hug or a kiss and you definitely don't leave without either. This has followed me into school thus I often greet my friends with hugs (no kisses...that's just weird) and when I leave them, there's always a hug. Even when I first meet someone, I don't shake their hand, I give them a hug. This may be one of the many reasons I fit in so well in Peru. Anyway...even Jesus knew the importance of human touch. He often didn't heal or perform miracles without first touching the person. Thomas had to touch Jesus to know it was Him. It is natural for humans to desire the touch of another whether it be in the form of a hug or a hand holding. Imagine what would have happened if Thomas didn't touch Jesus or Jesus didn't touch all those whom He did. So many things would be different. The same can be said for us now. When we don't hug or touch even in the smallest way like during the sign of peace, something is missing, an empty hole cannot be filled. We often wonder why we cannot connect with each other and perhaps this is one reason.

     Finally, one very human aspect Thomas teaches us is that as humans we desire to be in relationship with other humans. Shocker. One of the sisters told me yesterday that she has never heard me say that I am not close with someone. It happened because we were out to eat and one of my very close mentors and friends, Wendy, came over to say hello because she just happened to be at the same place.  When she left our table I began to tell Sister Virginia how much Wendy had changed my life. I told her how close we were and how much I still to this day look up to her. When I had finished, Sister Virginia said, "You're close with a lot of people." At first I thought she was going to tell me that perhaps I was too close with too many people, but she told me that it was my mission. And it's true. Ever since I was little I desired to be in deep relation with others. Now that I am older, I know what this means. There's a desire in me to connect with each person I meet. I want to know who they are, why they are, where they are. I want to know them and I want to have relationships with them. That is a very human desire.  When we cannot connect with a person, whether it is someone we have known for a very long time or someone we have just met something goes awry in the system. We instantly feel like something is missing because we cannot connect. Through his desire for connection with Jesus, Thomas needed to not only touch, but speak and see Jesus. And often Jesus felt this same desire for connection. Remember the woman at the well who He simply spoke to? Or the woman who touched His cloak? He demanded to see her to find out who she was so He could know her. 

     There are many reasons to like Thomas. One because my heart always went out to the belittled, but mostly because he truly does show us a very human side to being an apostle of Jesus. The truth is, yes we are called on to truly believe without having to see. But the reality of this human life is that it is difficult to do that. It is so difficult to believe 100% without seeing 0%. It is so human of us to doubt, to doubt anything, to doubt everything. Even I myself doubt. And before I met Thomas, I always felt that I was wrong in doubting. But Thomas and I are good friends now because he has taught me not to discredit my doubting because truly this makes me very, very human. 

Being Bread, Blessed and Broken

"Bread, blessed and broken for us all.

Symbol of Your love from the grain so tall.

Bread of life You give to us, 

Bread of life for all."

- Michael Lynch

    It's been a very LONG time since I've blogged but let me catch you up why before I get into this post. Once I arrived safely home from Peru (I still miss it every day...more and more as each day passes...), I was well on my way back to IU for ten days for Orientation Training and then four intense days of New Student Orientation. I left our second session of Orientation a few hours early (after having a sweet and much needed chat with Sister Cathy) and headed for CREW (Community Rocks Everyone's World). I went from one community of sisters to another and back again. I went from convent living to residence hall living to convent living in a residence hall setting. In the process of those two weeks I did a plethora of things such as: meet tons of new people, fall in love (again and again), work my behind off in sweltering hot conditions, reflect and lose a lot of sleep. I wouldn't trade these past few weeks for anything in the world because I am a true believer in the fact that I am always exactly in the location that God needs me in. That is, I know that wherever I am, with whomever I am, I am always where God intended. However, that wasn't all. As you can well imagine, I did an awful lot of thinking. Doing a lot of traveling alone (eg driving in my car) gives me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life, where I have been and where I am going. 

     It started when I left my residence hall early Saturday morning to drive home to Mount Nazareth for Mass and then to help my dear CSFN Sisters set up and prep for CREW 2013. It typically takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to get from Croydon to IU and vice versa. It was smooth sailing down the turnpike that early in the morning and I couldn't help but praise the Lord all the way there. I was going to see my dear Sister Bernice one more time before she headed back home to CT AND celebrate Mass with my sisters. Most of my thinking on the way home was about the previous week I had had at school during training and then during the first Orientation Session. I had met many new students, bonded with my already very close friends and shared a bit of my Peru experience with them. 

     After Mass, breakfast and set up, I was soon on my way back to IU. Since I was already in the city, I decided to head home by a different way. However, since I was away for a month, I had forgotten about the miserable construction and traffic route 95 provides at any time during any day. The normal one hour ride took me two and let me tell you, I was not a happy camper. I finally made it back to school and jumped right back into Orientation mood only to jump right out again on Tuesday as I started CREW. 

     I arrived at CREW just in time for supper and left shortly after to attend a viewing for a dear and very loved Parish family member. It was so difficult to hold back my tears as I said goodbye to one of my number one cheerleaders here on earth. She was always uplifting me and doing her best to keep me in prayer and thought. The line was longer than imaginable and even there I did some of my best reflection and prayer. Standing among my Parish family there was tons to think about and think did I do. 

     I can honestly say that in the past two weeks I have experienced a lot along the emotional and spiritual roller coasters. I was struggling to truly find words to speak about or even write about but I couldn't. No, not until Wednesday evening when we were sitting as a CREW and CSFN Family during Sister Romuald's funeral. The dear woman, one who I have blogged about once before, was in her nineties and had lived a most beautiful life. The chapel was filled and so, we girlies had to bring with us into chapel chairs from the dining room. I sat by myself in the back as a mother looking upon her CREW children and as a little sister looking with awe upon her older sisters and wisdom figures. For the first time in a very long time, I realized, I was able to belt out the hymns during Mass and sing in harmony with many other beautiful voices. I realized this as Sister Josepha played "Bread, Blessed and Broken" on the organ and my heart began to leap for joy in this realization. The next morning all my thoughts from the past two weeks hit me...

      Bread, Blessed and Broken. This song, for any Catholic, is an obvious one; it's all about Jesus. It's about Jesus becoming the Eucharist, the bread and the wine we drink. It's a song begging Jesus to come into our hearts and minds to ease the pains and to make us whole again. It's about proclaiming one's love for Jesus from the very beginning of life to the very end. I found the song so fitting for the funeral of Sister Romuald and then the next day, found it so fitting for my life. You see, I took that song for a very deep reflection. In fact, I was almost scrambling around for a pen in the middle of Mass. But I knew no one would have one so I tried really hard to remember...and to sit still. We are called, as Christians, Christ to others. That is, just as Christ took on flesh to save us, we are to put on Christ and be Him for the world. Jesus, at every Mass transforms from bread to Eucharist, blessed and broken. And so, if we were to become Christ, we are to become Bread, Blessed and Broken. 

    In my life, I can honestly, I have been through many trials and tribulations. Because I have been bread for others in my personal putting on of Christ, I have been so blessed. But, like many, I had forgotten that being bread for others also entailed me as broken. Often when I am aching and I feel like my heart is breaking, I question God. I ask Him why on earth things hurt so much. Why do things such as leaving someone you love or having someone you love leave you, hurt so much. Well, it's a three fold reflection here. 

    I have learned easily to love much and love many (all). I can easily love those around me and those who seem so far away (my dear ones in NOLA, Jamaica and now, Peru). You saw me write in the course of the past two weeks, I have fallen in love. Yes, I have. Not for the first time and not for the last time. I met new people and learned to love them quickly upon first meeting them and without judgement. But I also spent a lot of time with my very close friends, both guys and gals, with whom, I felt a much deeper connection by the end of the week. Bread, as you know, especially if you eat it, fills one up. It reduces hunger quickly and often, is a staple at many meals. Being bread calls for me to love and fulfill the need for love in others. Falling in love was easy, I had that part of being bread down pat. Although, and I'm not quite sure if Jesus (or actual bread) experienced this, but sometimes I can fall in love too far. While this happens on rare occasion, I can sometimes find myself falling a little further in love with one of my very close guy friends. That may or may not have happened this week. Regardless, it usually nevers goes much beyond me thinking how great of a husband that young man may be. I often can't help falling in love with everyone. 

    The blessed part also comes very easy to me. You see, I have learned (not perfected) to see God in maybe of my day to day life situations, even in the unfortunate ones. Just like Laura Story says, "Maybe Your blessings come through raindrops." I know that I am so blessed. At the end of every day, I thank God for all the blessings with which He provided me. At my waking each day, I find myself thanking God that I awoke that morning. Sometimes, if I am experiencing a case of the Debbie Downers, I will answer your "How are yah?" with an, "I'm alright, I'm alive." I know that whatever God sends me during any day is what I need. I may not know it at the time, but I know that I can trust Him. Perhaps this might be the easiest part of being bread. 

    The hardest part is this: the suffering. Of the many things I have experienced in the past two weeks in the transferring of two of my closest sisters. And when I mean closest, I mean, I can already feel the distance between us. I have experienced this time and time and time again and I know it is a part of religious life regardless of the community. I thought that I had come to peace with the fact that moving is a part of life. I told myself, if I am not okay with it now when others are transferring, how am I ever going to be able to handle it myself when it comes time for me to leave a place I have so long called home? And so, I thanked God for the blessings of Facebook, Email, Telephone and Skype. Even though the sisters who have moved far away have been so close, I took it all to prayer and came to the peace. However, this time around it seemed to hurt a little bit more. Why? Well I'm not too sure. But perhaps  it is because it feels like the wounds have been reopened. I know there is always a means to communicate, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt to feel the distance. And yes, I know the pain is all part of being human, so I embrace it. But it still stinks....alot. 

     The truth is this: I have realized that the brokenness of being bread comes first. Whether it is to my sisters, my family, my friends or those I am just meeting for the very first time, I must give them a piece of myself. I am the loaf and in loving them, I must break off a piece for each person I come in contact with. I, without realizing, had already been broken so many times. But, I never really thought about it in this way. It is allowed to hurt, because Jesus hurt. Jesus was just as human as you and me and He hurt, too. He was broken in so many ways, when He lost Lazarus, when He was beaten on the road to Calvary, when He felt betrayed. He was broken to give of Himself. We are broken not in the literal sense but rather figuratively. We are broken to give ourselves to one another and we are broken because we are human. And with the brokenness of giving a piece of ourselves to every person we meet, we are blessed tenfold in return. 

      After reflecting on this, after falling a little too far in love again, after experiencing the pain of losing those I love both from this earth and in the transferring, after experience intense graces and prayer in the past two weeks, I can honestly say I know now what it means when God calls us on to be Bread for the World. We are called to be Bread, Blessed and Broken and by george, I think, that with the help of many, I can do it.