How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 2

"Don't be afraid that a good guy 

won't love you because of your past. 

If he defines you by your past, 

he's not that good a guy."

- Jason Evert

    Okay, I know I promised that part two would come the day after but being a Campus Minister is sometimes overwhelming. We got back from our final Senior Retreat yesterday - I can breathe again. So like I said: this is a two part series. If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you do that before continuing on this one. Here's the link: How to Date a Discerner for Dummies Pt. 1. 

     I have been known as many things: teacher, student, sister, friend, confidant, listener, nutcase, retreat leader, but most commonly - nun-to-be. It is true; for the past seven years I have openly discerned a vocation to the religious life. It's obvious by the way I act out my faith, the way I openly talk about the Sisters and my love for them, my knowledge of community, and obviously, this here blog. While at first I was shy about discerning, I have become more and more open about discerning due to the fact that a. I have a story to tell and b. God has asked me to share my story to bring others closer to Jesus. I have done as the Lord has asked, I have received backlash, but more importantly I have received support. 

     Many people have asked to here my story and so I've told it many times. I never introduce myself as Becca, the girl who wants to be a nun. However, it seems that people can just tell; I wear my heart on my sleeve. I mean if you google my first and last name, all that comes up are pictures of me and a bunch of nuns. So. Many. Nuns. Discernment has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and in-betweens. Sometimes there have been straight drops, or even loop-de-loops or upsidedowns. I've loved it. It's been an adventure. Discernment, being with the Sisters, who I consider my best friends, is amazing. No matter how hard it gets, I love it. 

     So, of course, you're probably wondering why I wrote/am writing about dating a discerner. Well, here's the thing. I'm a discerner with a boyfriend. Yes, I said it. (It literally took me ten minutes and a lot of prayer to even write that sentence). It may sound extremely confusing because well, nuns don't date, don't marry, don't have literal families. Yes, I know that. But discernment is a life-long journey and this is part of it. 

     I have fondly referred to him as "the other JC" in many blog posts. Joseph is his name and he pursued me relentlessly for an entire year before I finally said yes to dating him. We had gone to school together for four years. We were friends but we didn't get close until we both decided to do Orientation together for two years in a row. He would occasionally try to hang out with me over the summer but we live an hour from each other and it was difficult for us to get together. The Summer before our Senior year, I remember going on a walk during one of our breaks during Orientation. He was talking about a girl he liked, someone he knew from reenacting and how to go about asking her out. Of course, I said, "If I were her, I would love...." (Sometimes I think it was a ploy to get me to spill the beans!). Things never worked out with her and at the beginning of our Senior year he decided to tell me how much he liked me. 

     To any other boy on campus, I was "off-limits." Everyone knew, including Joe, that I had my heart set on the convent. I was going to pay off my loans as soon as possible and discern entrance into a community. You know what the say about plans: if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. On occasion, Joseph would ask me on a date and I wold deny. Although one night after a long play practice, I was starving and I agreed to going out (very late) to the diner for breakfast at midnight. As I sat across the table from him, I found myself thinking: if only he had come around a few years before, I might have given this a chance. He opened the doors to his car and the building for me, he helped me with my jacket, he paid for my meal, he offered his arm for me to hold onto him so I wouldn't fall, he smiled gently, I questioned the plans I had. 

      There were a few other instances when I found myself agreeing to attending senior events with him but only as friends. I was sure that even if I did say yes to a date I would eventually break his heart. My fear of that combined with my heart feeling so ready for the convent pulled me away from him. Yet, full aware that the convent was still my choice, he pursued me in the purest ways possible: going to Mass (Sunday and daily) with me, joining the choir, praying with me, reading with me, learning more and more about his Catholic faith for and from me, and even going on retreat with me. He would leave me notes about praying for me and sometimes drop off flowers. He was so gentle and loving; it was hard not to find myself in chapel many nights in tears because I might have been falling for him. 

     I continued to go to discernment retreats with the Sisters and spend oodles of time with them. I was so happy and content after being with them that I was still so sure of my vocation. Yet, God would send Joseph into the Chapel sometimes while I was there. He would send him to my bedroom after I had ignored text after text just to have him hug me while I cried about not knowing. God sent Joe to be my escort to the Senior Ball dance during which I had so much fun being with the only other completely sober one in the room. We drove home at one in the morning blasting the same acoustic folk song the entire way laughing about all the fun moments we had just as friends. 

     I loved Joe for becoming one of my closest friends my Senior year of college but even at Baccalaureate Mass, while I was singing in the Motherhouse Chapel for the IHMs, I felt my heart bursting with joy and love for my vocation. Joe never made Baccalaureate as he was on a two week long pilgrimage/vacation with his family. The week before he came home, I left for Peru again with my best friend and a few other crazy girls and nuns. I had fallen in love even more with my vocation there. So why, only a week after coming home from Peru, did I say yes when Joe asked if he could introduce me to his reenacting unit as his girlfriend? Well, here it goes....

     Joe has done everything I mentioned in my previous post. He treated me like a princess before I ever said yes and has continued to treat me like a princess. He has never once pressured me into doing anything that would take me away from my vocation like other young men might. He was never in this to "get the girl" but rather to protect my heart. He saw something about me that even I didn't see in myself. He taught me to accept my beauty. He taught me that I'm worth it, a battle I have long fought. He taught me that I deserve every ounce of dignity and respect he gives me. He reminded me day after day that he was praying for me in my discernment. All this and we were only just friends. 

     I used to say that I had had my bout of dating. But the more I thought about it, the relationships I had in 8th and 9th grade were far from a true dating relationship. They were with young men, who after a while, wanted more than I could give. The more I thought about those relationships, the more I realized that they didn't know how to or weren't in this relationship to protect my heart. They weren't true dating relationships. Which, let me define a true dating relationship real quick: going on dates, just you and him; spending time walking down streets and holding hands; spending time having conversations in which you contemplate great works of literature or music; praying for one another; making the relationship about two people not one; and much more. In some way, I was disrespected in these relationships. It wasn't a real shot at discerning marriage - what dating truly ends up to be. 

      When I got so serious about religious life, I decided that the dating scene was no longer for me. Yet, once again God had different plans. Joe, the man with the same initials as Jesus, was sent into my life. Telling you that I spent nights crying and praying about dating him is an understatement. It was so hard. Letting someone love you is a very difficult thing to do, especially when it's hard to love yourself. Yet, God sent Joe to me in the most beautiful ways possible. 

      The Sisters tell me that I should pursue a real dating relationship before I enter so I know both sides of the story. Many Sisters have told me that their boyfriends were the ones, who after praying with them for so long, helped their final decision to enter the convent. Perhaps that is what Joe is meant to do for me; be the true and pure dating relationship and the one to help me fully understand my decision to enter religious life. It's scary sometimes, but I can now months later, openly admit that I am dating someone that God sent me. I am dating, I am discerning marriage and I am discerning religious life at the same time. And how, you may ask? Well let me just tell you a story. 

     Last night I had just come home from our last Senior Retreat. Joe was at work and I felt the desire to go out (despite being utterly exhausted). I went where my heart lead me. I came home to find a letter addressed to me from one of the Sisters. I took that as my sign to go see them. Within an hour I found myself traveling in a car full of nuns to the movie theater. As we watched the movie, we cried, linked arms, laughed, and had deep conversation about the movie after. When we got home, I found myself in the community room at almost ten at night chatting with one of my lifelong Sister friends about life. I called Joe when I got home and told him about my Nunny adventure. However, the whole ride home, I had tears of joy and question rolling down my face. 

      I still see my Sisters often. If I don't see them, I write them or text them or call them. I still discern my vocation to religious life. I love them, I love being with them, praying with them and loving others with them. There are nights when I tell Joe that I need to pray alone or journal, and he understands. He understands that I do not belong to him simply because we are dating. He knows that I, regardless of my vocation, belong to God. He is fully aware that I may still enter religious life. Every day he reminds me that he's praying for me as I discern my vocation.

     The truth is this: I have spoken to a few Sisters about this current dating relationship and they are happy. They are happy that I am happy. And I am, this is true. I still feel so much a part of me belongs to the Sisters and I will continue to discern with them. I know there will come a point and time where I will either have to break up with Joe or I will have to "break up" with the Sisters. Either way, I feel called to serve the Lord. I have given my life to Him already and the license to do with it as He pleases. I belong to the Lord. I am His. My heart belongs to God and I trust Him. God put Joe in my life for a reason and whether that reason is to simply so me love and self-worth or to spend the rest of his life with, I know that this is all God's plan. Of course, if I do enter religious life, I want him there with me. Heck, I'd love for him to be the one to drop me off at formation, wherever that may be, and hug me goodbye for a little while. I want him and his family there next to my family (oh that's the other great thing...his mom and grandmom and aunt all prayed and still pray for my vocation before Joe and I even started dating). I want Joe to be there when I make final vows. I want Joe to be a part of it, because he is only in my life because God wants him here. 

     So, that;s that. I finally admitted to having a boyfriend, after about nine months. I admitted to still discerning a vocation to religious life. I admitted all the things that so many people already knew. I am God's. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Jesus and I are still as in love as we were before Joe came into my life. And yes, I love Joe, too, for He is the one currently protecting my heart. I am blessed beyond all measurement. If you have any questions concerning my current state in life, take it up with God. He knows far better than I do. 

How To Date A Discerner For Dummies Pt. 1

"She doesn't belong to me, 

she belongs to God.

I am simply the caretaker of her heart on God's behalf."

- anonymous

      Every "For Dummies" book should come with a disclaimer. So the disclaimer for this blogpost: dating a discerner is not for the weak or faint of heart; if you do not already care more about her heart than yours, maybe you should put this book down. But then again, maybe you should pick it up. 

     Let's start at the beginning: who is a discerner? A discerner is someone on a journey to finding out his or her life vocation. A discerner is often serious about devoting time to prayer during which he or she speaks with God on the topic of his or her vocation to single life, married life or religious life. However, a discerner is never NOT a discerner as discernment is a life-long process. In this specific case, our discerner is a young woman very seriously discerning religious life. 

     You must have specific qualifications to even be considered for the dating process: you must be gentle, kind, loving, faithful, and obviously, you must be a devoted Catholic. Having a beard, musical talents and a love for adventure also helps. However, these are not required. 

     It's obvious she caught your eye from the very beginning. It was probably her unique selfless attitude by which she served a lot of people. Often this attitude has caused her to run into class a few minutes late, be late to a dinner arrangement, or even to work (but don't worry she works with nuns). You saw it in action when she would walk a sister arm-in-arm across the icy tundra called campus, or helped a lost visiting family but not giving them directions but rather giving them a personal tour, or perhaps by how she stayed up for hours consoling a friend or sister, or how she would spend odd hours of the morning or night praying Chapel for the entire world. 

     Another thing that caught your eyes was how she laughed joyfully at the simplest things like pillow fights and puddle jumping. You probably saw her walking around praying her rosary in sandals at every time of year. Maybe you heard her singing at Mass or sitting with the nuns in the cafeteria, a local restaurant or even driving somewhere. You admired her courage for truly living out her faith so actively. That being said, you probably witnessed her wildly defending her faith beliefs with Scriptural and Catechetical evidence. There wasn't a belief she couldn't prove to anyone. She was also a feminist which scared you but somehow made you really fall for her anyway. But overall, what captured your attention the most was her mysterious happiness. Even on her worst days, she could find joy. It was an awesome mystery and it made her so beautiful. 

     If you have agreed to any of the above, well, let's just say, I know your kind. I know your kind very well, as I am no stranger to being asked on dates (sounds pretentious, but seriously...I have lost track). So let me just give you a few tips for dating a discerner: 

1. You need to allot at least two hours every Sunday for Mass. She either is cantoring, reading or being a Eucharistic Minister, so she has to be there early. If, on the off chance that she is doing none of the three, she will be there early regardless. You know that black book she carries around that everyone calls her Bible? Well, it's not a Bible, it's a prayer book. She'll be found on St. Mary's side of church about midway at no later that a half hour before Mass. If you want to catch her eye, show up early. You better show special devotion to Joseph but also Mary. Of course, if you really want to catch her eye, ask her to teach you how to pray Divine Office/Liturgy of the Hours. She will teach you without even questioning why you want to learn (most young people do not know what Liturgy of the Hours is). Of course, if you are musically inclined, join the choir. 

2. You need to have a good ear for listening. And no, not just to her, but to God. Yes, listening to the woman you are pursuing is so incredibly important. While it may be difficult, you will have to listen to story after story after story about the nuns and all her Nun-Tastic days. She will tell you about so many nuns that you will get confused. Do not act confused. Worst case scenario, just refer to the nun in her story as Sister. It's okay if you struggle at first. She won't expect you to know all the Sisters' names like she does. She will tell you stories about people you may never meet like all the people she met on service trips. Listen. But again, you need to listen not only to her with full attention, but you need to listen also to God. While she is discerning her own vocation, you should be discerning yours. God is speaking to her heart and you need to attune your ear to His word, too. If you're in love with her, you need to be in love with God. Listen to Him just as you would to her. 

3. You need to have strong arms and shoulders. You need to know that while she is a very independent woman, she will occasionally need a shoulder to cry on and strong arms to hug her. Usually this will happen when the reality hits that she is no longer on a mission trip. She will most likely sob uncontrollably about missing all the people she loves so much. You know, the people she only knew for a few days or a few weeks. You may not understand how she can fall in love with all types of people and miss them so terribly that she literally has snot running down her chin. You will realize that to the naked eye this is wildly unattractive (the snot thing, that is), but her deep emotional bond with people she served will make her so beautiful. Tell her that. And when she tells you to shut up, do that, too. 

4. You need to have a complete understanding of the Stations of the Cross, the Rosary, Adoration (Holy Hour) and Daily Mass. If you do not have a complete understanding of these things, you must have a deep, sincere willingness to learn. Chances are a lot of her free time will be devoted to praying in all these forms. Even if she does not have free time, she will make time. She will get up at the crack of dawn for Mass. She will pray her Rosary between events of the day even while walking to and from various places. Adoration will be on her calendar every week. You might want to ask her to help learn these various forms of prayer. And do not reserve learning or praying to just moments with her. Do it on your own. While you're looking for ways to deepen your relationship with her, deepen your relationship with God. 

5. You need to understand that Katie D, Big T, Little T, Mama T, Mama Mare, SJ, Alphie and Iggy are not just other people.  These are her nicknames for the saints because the saints are not just holy and highly revered people in the Church. They are her friends. They will be referred to as such. Do not get jealous if she is spending a lot of time with Alphie, Iggy, TA, SJ or JC. These are the men that help her live her life. There words are important to her. Get on their level. 

6.  Do not take a declined date too personally. She probably can't actually go on the date because of a prior engagement such as Praise and Worship, Adoration, a walk with one of the six million nuns she knows, a skype date with one of them, or even a scheduled phone call. (Those are a real thing - nuns' schedules are VERY demanding and allow for few moments of free time). If she is already engaged in another activity during the time of your proposed date, compromise and ask if you can join her for Adoration or Praise and Worship. 

7. Understand her heart. Know that she will have a very hard time ever saying yes to going on a date with you. Her heart has been very much set on entering religious life for a very long time. Again, do not take it personally if she says she is not ready to date or if she must seek advice from one of her closest Sisters. Also understand that asking her Sisters for advice yourself may result in them telling you she is off the market because her heart isn't ready yet. Her Sisters will then direct you back to Number 2. If she trusts you, which she should considering you are already good friends, she will tell you why. She will tell you her discernment story. She will tell you about her prayer life. She will confide in you. Again, see Number 2. 

8. Know that being friend-zoned for Jesus really isn't that bad. Jesus is really your only competition, but you can't think about it that way. Jesus has always known her heart better than anyone ever will. She may join you on a diner date at eleven pm because that's her only free time, but at the end of the night, the last person she is speaking to will be Jesus. I highly suggest it being the same for you. Make Jesus the last person you talk to at night. Give as much priority if not more to your relationship to Him as you have for your relationship with her. 

9. Be able to lead her heart even deeper to Jesus. She will naturally lead you to Him. She kind of can't ever avoid talking about Jesus ever and it's kind of cute. Make your faith a priority. Make learning about it enjoyable. Invite her to prayer with you, don't always leave the holy stuff to the discerner. Get comfortable with talking about God's goodness. (Please note: when she says, "God is good." You MUST respond with "All the time." If she repeats you by saying, "All the time," YOU NEED TO RESPOND WITH "GOD IS GOOD.") Start recognizing the little things in your own life that are a gift from God - the sunrise, the sunset, the moon, the beautiful weather, the snow, the cold, etc. Lead her closer to Jesus by being the hands and feet of Jesus. If you don't know what that means, look up the teachings of Big T. Lead her to Jesus and not into temptation. 

10. You may only get to hold her hand during the Our Father. Do not take that for granted. You may also only get to hug her during the Sign of Peace. She's probably a cheek kisser (even to strangers); understand that the cheek kiss might be the farthest you EVER GET WITH HER. Her purity and chastity will always be a top priority in her life. Do nothing but uplift her dignity and promote her chastity. Then always pray the seat in the pew next to her is open. 

11. It's not going to be easy. She will share her spiritual battles with you. She will tell you outrightly when the devil is on her back and she needs help fending him off. Fight for her not with her. If she is having a hard time with her spiritual journey, her doubt or even where she should go on her next mission trip, pray with her. Understand that her spiritual battles will become your spiritual battles and yours will become hers. She understands suffering more than you can imagine and she will pray you through your battles. Pray her through hers. 

And finally...

12. Know that her heart belongs to God, no one else.  Even if on the off chance she actually says yes to going on a date with you, know that it was a very tough difficult decision her. She probably prayed for a few months or even close to a year about it. She asked God for direction and after so many times of you being there for her at Praise and Worship, walking her home from work, praying with her, she will know that maybe God needs her to go on a few dates or even date someone seriously for a little bit. She will still discern her vocation to religious life during your dating period but she will also give prayer devotion to the option of married life. You will have to understand that her weekends will sometimes be devoted to discernment retreats at different convents. She might also go on silent retreats where she will not contact you or anyone. It's her and God time. She will still experience spiritual battles, probably in a deeper capacity than before. She will need your strong arms and shoulders more often than before. And if, after praying so much about dating you, and seeking the positive advice of her Sisters who say "you need to serious, wholly, purely date someone before you can enter fully knowing this is your vocation," she decides that she will be your girlfriend for a little bit, know that she may very well still enter religious life. So if she dates you and eventually breaks up with you for Jesus, you can rest positively knowing that her heart belongs to God. Your job is to protect her, uplift her dignity and understand that God still may very well be calling her to religious life. Right now, God needs you to love her in all the purest ways possible.

      I think 12 tips on How to Date a Discerner for Dummies is good enough. I'm not suggesting you go out and find every girl who wants to be a nun or enter a religious community and try these tips on her, because they may not work. This method is not 100% guaranteed. However, these are my tips speaking from personal experience. They worked for someone I know and he is still very much aware of my deep discernment of religious life. In fact, one of our intentions every week is for clarity on our vocations. But that's another story for another time. This is Pt. 1 after all.