This Is Home - Chicago Take Two

"I am home.

Trust in me.

From today, that is all I need to say is....

Don't you know how much you've changed me? 

Strange how I finally see.

I found home.

You're my home."

- "The Transformation," Beauty and the Beast 

     After a long fifteen hour day on Thursday, I called Sister Michele and double-checked the solo flying protocol. All I had to do was print the ticket and the next morning just go through to security in the airport, she confirmed. And so, Mike and I went to the Library to print my ticket. Then, after a series of venting sessions, dinner at Applebees and some homework, I finally finished packing around 2 am. For a few hours I slept in my bed before getting up and going for a run. A nun run, that is.

     I went to bed Thursday night knowing that I would not have time for a nap and I would probably be exhausted by the time I landed in Chicago. But there was an energetic flame in my heart. Within a few hours, I knew I would be seeing not only my AE but also my beloved Chicago Nazareth Sisters. I remembered clear as day how nervous I was about going last year for the first time. I didn't know anyone. Okay, I barely knew a few of the sisters.  But still it was a new place and a new mission and a new experience. I was slightly terrified. This year, however, I was super excited. I was so excited that even the notion of flying solo (I'm flying solo, solo, solooooooooo....) didn't phase me! I was so excited that before the plane even left the ground, I was passed out solid between a few business men and a dad. Before I knew it, the plane was landing! Now there were merely only minutes before I would see my AE! MINUTES!

     I got the warning not to step outside until she texted me. Like a good kid, I obeyed. And when I finally did get the text, I was glad I had listened. Talk about 11 degree weather with a 7 degree wind chill. YIKES! It was FREEZING! Right away bustling conversation took place! Of course! It had almost been a MONTH! And soon, we were pulling into the Provincialate Parking Lot! There were plenty of new sisters to meet and plenty of old friends to hug! Honestly, it was just like walking through the back door of a place I called home. I placed my things in my room in the 2c wing and headed back to help the Coach of the Nun Run team (AKA my AE, Sister Michele) prepare for the Nun Runners. 

      What's this jargon, you ask?! Well, a Nun Run is just that. A group of young women get together and run to the nuns. This year, the nun runners (myself included) were starting at the CSFN Convent (where I just happened to be staying anyway). A few vocation directors from various communities in Chicago joined us for dinner and a Vocation Panel during which we not only asked millions of questions but also heard so many great stories of the sisters. The sisters that joined us ranged from full habited, new communities to very ancient communities to communities without habits and so on and so forth. What was the most beautiful story, I felt, was Sr. Elyse, OP's description of charism. She told us that a charism is the light that shines forth from a facet in a beautifully cut diamond. The light is the same for every community, but the difference is how the light shines through! How beautiful?! We ended the first night of the nun run with The Trouble With Angels. Heel. Toe. Heel. Toe. SHORT CUT.

       The next morning was an early one as we began with Mass. I fell in love with the priest who gave such an energetic homily where he not only engaged the congregation but also told extremely intriguing stories. Like I said, in love. Soon after we had breakfast. The girls were surprised by the AWESOME breakfast we had, but let's be honest: there's always good eats at the convent! And then we trekked out in the three inches of snow to visit the Carmelites. 

        Sister Teresita (little Teresa) greeted us at the turn and asked us for our special intentions before we headed upstairs to the speak room. In the speak room, behind the grate (I wish I had been able to take a picture....) there were a plethora of brown habited sisters and two German Shepherds. For two hours they spoke to us about the life of Carmel, vocations, life in general and told us so many stories. It was as if they spent all day in silence....oh wait. They do! It's one of the most beautiful things about Carmel that I love: the peace and silence! Contemplative life is the life of my soul. However, Apostolic life is the life of my hands. I could never make it as a Carmelite, not because I can't ever shut up (although some would argue this is the main reason....) but rather because I know I am meant to touch people and help them heal. I can't necessarily do that from the cloister. However, there will always be that longing, that senhsucht, in my heart for the life of Carmel. 

       Next on the Nun Run were the Sisters of the Resurrection. We spent lunchtime with these sisters and how beautiful our time was there. In fact, one of the sisters here knew one of my close CSFN sisters from home. What a small world (and confirmation!). After a beautiful prayer service, we headed on out to visit the Felician Sisters! One of the sisters who was with us, struck up conversation right away with me. Even though she was telling us many stories in the car, it wasn't until we got to the convent that her and I really got to talk. I felt as if we connected right away, before we even had a conversation. Here's the kicker, I was the only one who really understood her word for word. She's from Poland. As we were headed into Chapel, she whispered to me that I was fall in love. And boy did I ever. It was like a mini cathedral hidden like a diamond in the rough. As part of our visit with the Felician Sisters, a few other Vocation Directors from the area joined us for what they call an Emmaus Walk. This is when we each get paired with a Sister by luck of the draw and walk with them to share stories. As I was handed the pile of names, I prayed that I was meant to have a sister who would understand me. I was blessed with Sister Eliana, the Polish Sister who I connected with earlier. I thanked God, because in my little heart, she was the sister I was praying to walk with. And so, we did. We walked and shared and understood. I told her how I understood her so well and we shared much wisdom! I felt so blessed. 

        There was one more stop on the nun run and that was at the Convent of the Sisters of Charity. It is here that I discovered that in Chicago, they cut their round pizza into squares. Yeah...very strange. And I let the Philly girl out of me when I said it was so weird. Of course, at that time I was still saying soda and not pop and getting strange looks. We prayed here, too, with the sisters which was beautiful! And we always received prayer partners. Ironically, when I first sat down in the living/community room, I had no idea my Prayer Partner, Sister Marsha, was sitting next to me. At the end of our time, it was revealed to us and I couldn't help but think how great God is with His poetic foreshadowing. God must have been an English Major!

        My exhaustion was running high as we piled into the convent car and headed back to the CSFN convent. Except, I was the only one staying again. I kept thinking to myself, I can't wait to hop into my pj's and get some sleep. AND IT WAS ONLY NINE O'CLOCK. But then somehow, I ended up in the 2B community room around the corner with Sister Maria Sophia, Sister AE, and Sister Gabriella. FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS. I edited Sister Gabriella's paper, we skyped with Sister Cordia in Philadelphia, we chatted tons and tons, and after Sister Maria Sophia and Sister AE trickled off to bed, Sister Gabriella and I stayed up chatting some more. 

     You see, she's also a college student and most of her energy is spent during the night. Staying up til midnight (or later) is normal for both of us and there was plenty to catch up on. She's always been one to ask me "So, when are you entering?" And I've always given her the quick answer, "I don't know." It's not a pressure filled question, but rather a question from one big sister to her little sister. It's exactly how when I ask Mary, my little sister, when she is coming home. I always get an indefinite answer. This time, however, I was able to really put into words my fears, my joys and my duties. Finishing school, getting a degree and a job and paying off loans all have to be done before I can enter. The loan thing is the biggest hurdle. But then, how do I leave home? How would I survive a community where so many sisters are almost old enough to be my parents (no disrespect intended!)? How could I do  it? And she gave me so much insight. I honestly felt like I was confiding in my big sister and she was giving me counsel and HOPE!

       The next morning, I joined the council for prayers and breakfast in their wing. Later, I joined the rest of the sisters for Sunday Mass during which we celebrated: Consecrated Life Day, a 51st Wedding Anniversary for a local couple and the feast of St. Blase. When I sang, as a mere member of the congregation, I truly felt my heart sore. It was a true recognition of truth, beauty and home. Right after Mass, a good group of us ran out the door in six inches of snow to see the High School Production of Beauty and the Beast at St. Viator High School where Sister Maria Sophia teaches. I can honestly say that as many times as I have seen Beauty and the Beast, I have never cried so much during it. It was just so well-done and simply beautiful. Of course, I obviously found so many connections to what I was feeling that weekend.

       The good news that follows this, is that we made it back just in time for supper and the Superbowl. Of course, my interest in football is about a negative 54%. So, while the majority of the sisters were watching, and a few others were doing homework, school prep work and council work (or playing Words with Friends....) I was teaching Sister Luke how to not only add contacts but take pictures and set them as caller IDs! I knew the lesson was successful when she called me later from upstairs just to check the score of the game! We made it to the end of the game where the emotions were running high in the room. Of course, I was busy snacking on the AWESOME Buffalo Chicken Dip made by the always lovely Canonical Novice, Sister Faustina! At the last 13 seconds, when the Ravens took a safety shot, the sisters were on the edge of their seats. Half the room was voting 49ers, and the other half was voting Ravens. At 34:31, it was so close! And finally....finally, the room exploded in cheers as the Baltimore Ravens came through with the wind. It was almost ten o'clock by then. 

       Oh how I so wanted to sleep. But there was a subtle invitation from Sister Gabriela. Of course, I did the natural college wake me up and took a hot shower. Which, mind you, every time I took a hot shower, I thought I set off the fire alarm because half way through the shower, the water just starts SCREAMING. Anyway, quickly into my PJ's I went and headed softly down the hall to her door. She jumped up, grabbed the blanket and a movie and ran with me (like sisters..) to the community room to watch it. Of course, it was a new movie for me and yet, a movie she had "known well." I was crying, she was crying, we were laughing and gasping and yeah...it was a good movie! By 12:30, I was exhausted again and had no problem falling asleep. 

      The next morning at 5 am, I quick jumped out of bed and met Sister Maria Sophia in the lobby. We headed out in what was now ten inches of snow for Mass and then a long day at St. Viator High School. There I observed different English and Theology classes as well as shared my story. Who was I? Where was I from? What was I doing there? It all came down to a mere college student who wants to be a nun. However, at one point I got introduced as a nun and I had to smile and say, nuns don't normally where mascara  or eye liner. Before I knew it, the full day was OVER and we were headed home. Then...it was a rapid mission to pack and clean in an hour. Could I do it? Yes. Could I do it without crying? Maybe not.

       During the time I was packing and organizing my room, Sister Maria Sophia and Sister Angela came to visit. You know you are comfortable with the sisters and the sisters are comfortable with you when you can pack all your belongings (including dirty laundry) in front of them and neither party minds. I was trying so hard not to cry. So hard. I had felt so at home, so loved during the time I spent there. I felt like me. Truly Becca, truly me. I didn't feel out of place or awkward or even restrained. In fact, I felt freer than ever. 

      As I carried my things down the stairs before one final sweep of my room, I met a few Sisters along the way: Sister Michael Marie, Sister Mary Ann and Sister Stella Marie. Each of those sisters have such a beautiful spot in my heart. I made a final stop in the Chapel, gave hugs goodbye and did the sweep. I took my time saying good bye because nun time is all relative. We printed my plane ticket and packed the car. To the airport I went after one final good-bye and "Kochem Cie" (I love you in Polish....). Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry.

      Finally, I was on the plane sitting next to a gentle old man and an empty seat. I plugged my earbuds into my iphone and pressed play. What was the first song that came on? "This Is Home" by Switchfoot. Yep, instant tears. There was so much about this weekend in Chicago that made me thank God over and over. There were so many little confirmations or God-Winks as I like to call them. The snow was a HUGE confirmation that I was where I needed to be at that present moment. I know they are called Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth for a reason, because I certainly felt like a mala siostra (little sister) in a big family. I felt loved, so very loved. And yes, deep down in my heart, I knew, rather, was almost reminded of where I belong: As Jesus' beloved. Because honestly, this is home. 

Sister Angela ;)

Sister Eliana, a Felician Sister

The Most Beautiful Chapel

The Superbowl girls

A shoeless match made in Heaven

The Nun Runners

A snowy message from God

Sister Lucille

The Carmelite Turn

Always Under The Same Moon and Stars

"Home. Let me come home. 

Home is wherever I'm with you."

- Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

One of the first pictures of the two of us. AEFL!

     Walking through those front doors is like walking straight into a giant hug. Or being snuggled up with your Teddy Bear under a nice, knitted afghan blanket with a cup of coffee and a good book to read. Or like coming in from playing in the snow and smelling chicken noodle soup on the stove from Mom. Or even like the sun shining warm upon your and tanning your skin on a beautiful summer day. There is warmth and familiarity within those front doors. It's a feeling I can't even describe fully with those metaphors. It makes my soul smile, it makes my heart beat, I feel warm all the way through from my hair to my toes. It's a feeling of being home, but more so, the feeling of knowing you are loved.

     As per the tradition, I headed to supper at the Hospital Convent. Of course, my AE was pretending to be P.F. Chang in the kitchen as she mixed up a wild Lettuce Chicken Wrap (holy wow were they good) as I learned how to make some kind of Polish Egg Soup with Sister Teri. Soon, the sisters were trickling down to the kitchen and dining room as supper was being put out on the serving table. However, before plates were filled, hugs upon hugs were given. Honestly, I never get as many hugs in one night than a night spent at the convent. And since I love hugs so much, giving them and receiving them, it's always a smile for my heart and soul. 

      If there's one thing being in that dining room has taught me, it's that there is no rush when it comes to a meal. I have never eaten a meal with the sisters that has lasted less than an hour. I love it. There is always so much liveliness at those tables with stories upon stories upon stories. Anything from historical moments in our childhoods, like painting our sisters blue, to moments from the day, like the little ones playing guitaras. There is always a story to be told, always. I love it. I have never heard the same story once. They have taught me the true appreciation of one another. The listening, the conversing, the sharing, the appreciation of being with one another. Yes, I have learned that there. 

       Of course, like with any family, once the meal is over, most people head to the living room or in this case, the community room. And so, my AE and I sat next to each other as we talked with one another and the other sisters while at the same time, answering the Jeopardy questions. Women can multitask, you know. As the night wore on, we found ourselves watching old episodes of The Peanuts. I say old, because in reality, they were older than me (from 1985), but to a few of you, that's young. Being there with my sisters felt like home; like a warm cup of coffee being poured into my soul. It gave me a new sense of life and a reminder that there is always a place where I will be loved. 

        Soon, the sisters one by one left the community room and left me, my AE and Sister Eileen to be the last ones there. I tried so hard not to think about it, but as I hugged my AE one last time, my heart was silently breaking a little. This would be the last time I see my AE before she moved to Chicago. No longer will I be able to jump in the car and drive fifteen minutes down the road to see her. I'll have to catch a plane ride next time. And yet, I'll be seeing her on the Web. We'll somehow always be in constant communication. You see there's a reason she's my AE. AE stands for Alter Ego and we are scarily so alike, from Girl Scouts, to arts and crafts, to simply knowing when one needs the other. It still hasn't fully hit me that she won't be nearly as close as she always has been for me...I'm taking it in strides. 

     I know she will be so great as part of the USA CSFN Leadership Team and that God is truly working her to her greatest potential. But here's a secret: I don't like when the familiar surroundings change. Honestly, I can change anything I want about myself or have things about me change and find peace in it, but when things around me start changing, like people moving or buildings changing, my insides freak out. I want to come home from school and have everything be the same. I don't want to the church walls to be a different color and I want to know that I can drive down the road and see my closest sisters within minutes. And yet, things change. Change is inevitable...but growth is optional. And so, both of us must learn to grow from this experience. I'm going to miss being in the kitchen with her almost every other week in the Summer and having CREW at her house and crafting on the fifth floor, but I know somethings will never change. 

      When I walked out the back door, I didn't need a coat; I was still all warm from the hugs and love I received all night long. As I looked to the sky, I almost tripped down the stairs but that would have been ok. As I watched the clouds dance across the moon and stars, I realized something, something that I told Sister Angela Marie before she moved to Roma, Italy. No matter how far away in the world we are from each other, we are always under the same moon and stars. So when I'm looking up at the stars and you are, too, we are connected. You can imagine me doing the same. I'll admit, I didn't cry on the drive home, but as I sit here, being the story-teller that I am, I'm holding back the river. I'm going to miss her. Oh my gosh, am I going to miss her. But the good news is...there may be a trip to the Windy City soon enough for me. Then we'll be back to our old shenanigans. 

      And so, what I'd really want you to remember from this little lesson of mine is: home is wherever you are loved; change is inevitable, growth is optional; and no matter how far away, I am always under the same moon and stars. Best of luck in your new adventure, Sister Michele. Remember, I have Fridays AND Mondays off next semester ;)! AEFL, that is Alter Egos For Life (yeah, I went back to the nineties for a second...I went there). 

Poverty, Chastity, And Obedience - Take One

"Ecce Ancilla Domini, Fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum.

Ecce regnum Dei intra vos est."

- Profession Cross of the Sisters of the Holy Family of Nazareth

      When I think of these words, instantly memories flood my heart and soul. Ever since I "officially" started discerning, over five years ago in my Sophomore year of high school (this was the first 'discernment' weekend), these words have been a part of me. As high school students we were sent on a scavenger hunt throughout the entire convent and the outside surroundings. A series of questions such as "What is S. Michele's license plate number?" (I can't remember!), "What is the statue of Mary missing out front?" (her thumb), "What is S. Jeanette's charge?" (keeping the candy dish filled...still have yet to find that), and "What are the words inscribed on the sisters' crosses and rings?" (see above). With energy and determination, my best friend, Brianna, and I went in search of the answers only to have the last question answered by our dear S. Terri. I remember later that night reflecting on her story (I was to soon learn that she always had a story) of her cross. I was in awe of the love of which she spoke, truly speaking about the love of her life. Her eyes were filled with sparkle and love for this Jesus who she loved so much. "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it done to me according to Your Will. The Kingdom of God is within you," she said as she reflected on her own first profession of vows. To this day, that memory, the memory of the first time I ever heard those words, remains in my heart. 

      Now, today, I have a new memory to go along with those beautiful words. I was (and am still) so blessed to be a part of my dear friend, Sister Maria Sophia's, discernment and vocation journey. I can remember the days when I barely knew her and I find it so shocking that today, I was crying as I was hugging her, congratulating her and telling her how proud I was of her. From being that shy Geometry substitute teacher who barely spoke a word outside of the classroom, she has become one of my best friends, constantly bubbling with words of wisdom for me in my own discernment. She has come far from being the woman who calmed my tears and fears about Chemistry and has become an inspiration for me, a reason to "plow through" those tough times of discernment, and a beacon of hope for my own future. And today, I was so blessed to be present at her First Vow Profession during which she received her black veil and her profession cross, and professed the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. 

       The ceremony was absolutely beautiful. I cried multiple times, at her literal profession, at her thank you speech, at her uncle's homily during which he said, "God sends us. Let us go wherever He sends us knowing that you and I may be the perfect person for the person we are being God for," and so much more. I could not help but smile the entire time at the beauty of it all! And to have my little sister right next to me, having just as big a smile, made the day so much better! Everything from the words spoken, to the songs sung, to the family and friends, was perfect! 

       After the ceremony, the traditional lunch was served and I sat surrounded by so many of my dear Sisters and sister! It was so great to see the beautiful, happy, smiling faces of so many who have been in the same position before, and so many faces looking forward to their special day! I was surrounded by sisters I had never met (though there were few...success!) and plenty of sisters who consider me the "little sis." Even though I love all my sisters so greatly, I was so excited to see my Chicago-ites for the first time since February (I sincerely miss that place). There were plenty of hugs and kisses and words of wisdom to go around, and both my little sister and I had our share of the popularity. My little sister, obviously because she's cute and adorable and precious. And me? Well, I'm Becca....everyone knows Becca apparently! But really, seeing and celebrating with everyone truly warmed my heart. It made me anxious and excited for my day, whenever God chooses that day for me! 

        Until then, however, congrats Sister Maria Sophia on your First Vows! May God truly watch over you! I'm so proud of you, my big sister!

The Flat and Windy City

     The first thing I thought as soon as I stepped off the plane: "This place is flat. Really, really flat." Seriously, it was. Now granted, I go to school on a mountain (really, it's just a hill) but I'm naturally from Philadelphia. Man, that place is like the Alps compared to Chicago. However, I'm told it's not as flat as Oklahoma. Hmm...

     Anyway, so let's start in the airport. There I was, all packed, having just skipped my Spanish class, waiting for my Sister. She arrives and we get our tickets then walk through Security. "Oh hell, Sister," the security dude says as he gives her a weird look that screams "OH MY GOSH SHE HAS HAIR UNDER THERE!" when she whips off her veil. I didn't think anything of it. Actually, I had no idea she even took it off. She walked through, then me, myself and Jesus walked through. I messed it up because I moved my head and then I had forgotten to take off my knee brace so I had to get patted down anyway. Good thing I wore jeans, tis all I'm saying. 

      You know, I have a secret love for the airport and for flying. I always wanted to get my pilot's license and if I could have one super power it would be to grow wings and fly. I love it. I guess it's because I loved swinging on swings when I was little, and the feeling I get when I sing and am so filled with Love of the Lord is that I could take off and fly. I just love flying. So, unlike most people who are paranoid about flying, I was completely fine. And passed out almost before the plane even left the runway. 

      When we finally landed, after my two hour nap, one of the my new sisters picked us up! It was wonderful. She was an absolute hoot and right away greeted me with a hug, even though we were stopped in the middle of traffic. I loved her already! I got a mini preview of parts of Chicago which confirmed my feelings of it being super flat AND saw the first EVER McDonalds. There is a plastic man inside that waves at unsuspecting passers-by. Weird. We got to the convent and right away I was greeted with more energized hugs and love. I felt like a brand new addition to the family. Oh wait...I was. Since the others weren't getting there til later, I was able to get a tour of the Noviate and the Provincilate both of which are on the same property. Both were beautiful. I was surprised when I saw one of my closest sisters come out of no where and freak out when she saw me. It was wonderful. When we got back, I took a nap. Oh the college student in me.

      We had supper and activities together which was lovely and hit the hay early. The next day we headed out REALLY early for the Chicago Nun Run. It was VERY interesting. We literally "ran" to three different convents of different communities with a bunch of discerning young women and spent time with each of them. It was great and very cool to learn about different communities in the area. One community was just founded in 2009 and had three novices as members. Pretty cool!!!!

      We got back just in time for supper and recreation. I seriously love convent meals, but y'all already know that!!! After supper we played Apples to Apples, my personal favorite and an old convent tradition. It was glorious. Playing the game with all types of sisters, some who primarily speak Polish, some who take it literally, some who don't, some who aren't English majors (oh wait....everyone) and some who just never understood the game's purpose!! I loved it!!! 

      Sunday was my favorite day, as it usually is because of all the Jesus time!! We were up for breakfast, then morning prayer, then faith sharing, then midday prayer, then Mass, then LUNCH...all before I had to catch the plane home to the dome. The moment I walked into the Provincilate, I was once again greeted with LOVE and hugs from complete strangers who already knew my name, who had been expecting me. Precious. Faith sharing with those who were strangers no more, was amazing. My favorite line was, "And He grasped her hand." I shared that and later during Mass, when I was sitting with the same sister who spazed on Friday, during the Our Father, she grasped my hand and reminded me that she always would when she walks with me through my journey. The best part about Mass was sitting between two musically inclined sisters and all of us naturally going off into three part harmonies on every song. PRECIOUS!!!

      Before long, my Chicago adventure had come to a close and I was headed home on a plane with my AE, my Sister. Together, we chatted about how great it was for me to get to see Chicago and we watched the sunset behind us. It was beautiful! In a heartbeat I'd go back. Only this time, I hope to be proven wrong that Chicago is as flat as I think it is!!!