Throwing Stability to the Wind

"If I can see it, than I can do it.

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it.

I believe I can fly, 

I believe I can touch the sky."

- "I Believe I Can Fly," R. Kelly

    It might be assumed that if I am a writer, I am also a reader. That assumption would be correct. I can currently in the middle of The Aeneid, Moby-Dick, (both for class) and Sisterhood Everlasting (for my own interest). The last one is the final book in a series I loved as a kid: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was enamored with the four best friends and found a little bit of myself in each of them. I was an actress (or drama queen) like Carmen, I was in love with my heritage like Lena (she's Greek....hoopah!), I was sarcastic like Tibby, but most of all I was free like Bridget. Ironically in the books, Bridget's nickname is Bee, which was my grandmother's nickname. And people say I am most like her, too. 

    Let me describe Bridget a bit to you, and in a way,  it'll be just like describing myself to you. Bridget is always running. She is either running from her emotions or running towards her dreams. She has this deep inner piece of her heart that only wants to help people, because somehow by helping others, she is helping herself. She has a beautiful smile that is so genuine and yet holds so many secrets. And finally, Bridget has a desire to just go. Not to ruin the book for you, but she eventually packs all her things in her backpack, takes her sleeping bag with her and rides her bike all across California sleeping outside and living. Somehow that intrigues me. She has thrown everything to the wind and let her spirit take her wherever it is supposed to go!

    This morning (for some reason or another...there are never explanations for the random happenings around here), all the elevators in all the buildings were "out of order." Ironically, my first thought was: "How are the nuns going to get to Mass?" as Chapel is on the second floor of Villa Maria. But by the grace of God, they all made it. When I was leaving Mass, I headed down the stairs behind two of my sisters. One sister asked the other sister if she could hold her hand while walking down the stairs. That sister than reached out for my hand. The three of us, while holding hands and taking each step slowly and together, made it down the stairs. Behind us, one of my Sister Professors, Sister Carmel, said, "Well isn't this the most iconic trio!" Of course, this resulted in much laughter from the trio ourselves and the two other sisters behind us. Sister Anne, who had been the sister in the middle of our trio, patted my shoulder and said, "Well, at least someone around here has some stability." I laughed, but if only they knew....I had thrown stability to the wind a long time ago.

     Last night, while sitting on my bed doing homework, my Uncle Charles called me. He and his wife had just had their seventh (yes, I said seventh...) baby last Friday. "Well gee, thanks for letting me know a week later, Uncle Chal," I joked. "Yeah, well with three kids, life is anything but stable." The conversation furthered into my aunt and uncle asking me to be my new baby cousin, Emily's God-Mother. HOW COULD I SAY NO?! Ironically enough, I was the flower girl in their wedding oh....12 years ago. I felt so honored and blessed. What did my uncle say to me?: "We knew we could count on you!"

    On Sunday (as you know if you read yesterday's blog), I was a sponsor for one of the girls in my parish. When I was talking with her parents before the celebration, they said to me: "G was nervous you wouldn't make it. But we knew you'd be here. We can always depend on you." 

     In all three of these circumstances, those around me have given light to my stability and my dependability. But for so long in my life, I've felt anything but stable. Things are always changing in my life. I can never keep a daily routine, I have a spirit that goes with the wind. Change is inevitable in my life. THINGS ALWAYS CHANGE! I NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT!

     I thought about this after I helped my sisters, and had the attention on my stability come forward again for the third time. It dawned on me that while YES, I have thrown stability to the wind and have let adventure lead my life, I didn't necessarily get rid of it! You see, by throwing stability to the wind, I had given it to God. That is the only thing that is stable in my life: God is always present. 

    So, take it for what you will. If you feel like you can't catch a break, that things are always haywire, maybe they are. But one thing's for sure, God's in the Wind. I threw my stability to Him!

Call Me, Maybe? Or Marry Me?

"I have foresight and it's real.

I didn't know I would feel it but it's in my way.

All the boys try to chase me."

- Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe

     I'm going to tell you all a secret: When I'm alone, whether it be out walking or in the Chapel, and there is wind blowing gently (or a fan), I close my eyes and breathe deep. This is the only time I feel beautiful. When the wind drapes across my closed eyelids and tickles my cheeks. The gentle breeze blows my fly-away hair strands away from my face, as if God is doing it with His own hands. Yes, if I close my eyes, and the breeze wash over me, I feel beautiful for a brief moment. 

     Now, this is not me saying that I have poor body image or a lack of self-confidence. I am happy with the way I look, however, my first priority is not my body. While I do care that I look presentable by the way I dress, I do not care to flaunt my body to feel beautiful. Instead, I'd rather be wrapped in my jeans and flannel, and have the wind blow across my face. That, to me, is beauty. For some, dressing up in a beautiful dress makes them feel beautiful. For others, it's when they are told they have beautiful eyes. And even for others, it's when they are kicking the soccer ball, running the track or swimming. We all have that single moment that makes us feel more beautiful than we have ever been before. And here's another secret: when God sends me my beautiful moment, I think He's trying to show me off as the love of His life. 

     People have told me I'm beautiful, like my Daddy on my prom night, or my grandma on  my First Communion. Some have told me I look great when they haven't seen me in a while, but somehow, there is not as deep as meaning as when the wind blows across my face. He, for me, is the only one that matters. When He sends the breeze, He is blowing me kisses and whispering in my ear how lucky He is. It is quite romantic, really. I love those moments. And yet, this morning at Mass, I wondered, what if God sent me a real kiss on the cheek through a man? Or if He whispered those words of "I love you" through another's voice? What if God sends me a man to fall in love with?

      Yesterday, I had my fourth marriage proposal of the year. Yes, it's true. And none of these marriage proposals were a joke; these qualified and worthy men were serious. Even in the way they asked was sincere: "May I have your hand in marriage?" "Would you marry me, for you are the one who completes me?" Even though I am quite a romantic at heart, I was never a believer in love at first sight. Yet, somehow, immediately, these young men fell in love with me. But I cannot figure out why?! Of course, I had to deny the heart warming marriage proposals for many reasons. However, those marriage proposals gave me a lot to think about, like the above posed question. Ironically, I do know it would be so nice and wonderful to have a respectful man hold my hand, kiss my cheeks or whisper "you're beautiful" in my ear. And for a quick second, during all of those marriage proposals, I wondered if I could sacrifice that. It's been four years since I've last had a boyfriend. Could it be time to test out a relationship? Or is this really God's plan for me, to be His and only His. 

      So, during my prayer at Mass this morning, I asked God that if He were to send me the one for me, if He wouldn't mind placing a giant sign on him saying "Becca, he's for you. Call him, maybe. Or marry him." He better be quite obvious with His plan for me if He's planning on sending me a man, because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Jesus. Because He keeps giving me that gentle wind across my face.