Throwing Stability to the Wind

"If I can see it, than I can do it.

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it.

I believe I can fly, 

I believe I can touch the sky."

- "I Believe I Can Fly," R. Kelly

    It might be assumed that if I am a writer, I am also a reader. That assumption would be correct. I can currently in the middle of The Aeneid, Moby-Dick, (both for class) and Sisterhood Everlasting (for my own interest). The last one is the final book in a series I loved as a kid: Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I was enamored with the four best friends and found a little bit of myself in each of them. I was an actress (or drama queen) like Carmen, I was in love with my heritage like Lena (she's Greek....hoopah!), I was sarcastic like Tibby, but most of all I was free like Bridget. Ironically in the books, Bridget's nickname is Bee, which was my grandmother's nickname. And people say I am most like her, too. 

    Let me describe Bridget a bit to you, and in a way,  it'll be just like describing myself to you. Bridget is always running. She is either running from her emotions or running towards her dreams. She has this deep inner piece of her heart that only wants to help people, because somehow by helping others, she is helping herself. She has a beautiful smile that is so genuine and yet holds so many secrets. And finally, Bridget has a desire to just go. Not to ruin the book for you, but she eventually packs all her things in her backpack, takes her sleeping bag with her and rides her bike all across California sleeping outside and living. Somehow that intrigues me. She has thrown everything to the wind and let her spirit take her wherever it is supposed to go!

    This morning (for some reason or another...there are never explanations for the random happenings around here), all the elevators in all the buildings were "out of order." Ironically, my first thought was: "How are the nuns going to get to Mass?" as Chapel is on the second floor of Villa Maria. But by the grace of God, they all made it. When I was leaving Mass, I headed down the stairs behind two of my sisters. One sister asked the other sister if she could hold her hand while walking down the stairs. That sister than reached out for my hand. The three of us, while holding hands and taking each step slowly and together, made it down the stairs. Behind us, one of my Sister Professors, Sister Carmel, said, "Well isn't this the most iconic trio!" Of course, this resulted in much laughter from the trio ourselves and the two other sisters behind us. Sister Anne, who had been the sister in the middle of our trio, patted my shoulder and said, "Well, at least someone around here has some stability." I laughed, but if only they knew....I had thrown stability to the wind a long time ago.

     Last night, while sitting on my bed doing homework, my Uncle Charles called me. He and his wife had just had their seventh (yes, I said seventh...) baby last Friday. "Well gee, thanks for letting me know a week later, Uncle Chal," I joked. "Yeah, well with three kids, life is anything but stable." The conversation furthered into my aunt and uncle asking me to be my new baby cousin, Emily's God-Mother. HOW COULD I SAY NO?! Ironically enough, I was the flower girl in their wedding oh....12 years ago. I felt so honored and blessed. What did my uncle say to me?: "We knew we could count on you!"

    On Sunday (as you know if you read yesterday's blog), I was a sponsor for one of the girls in my parish. When I was talking with her parents before the celebration, they said to me: "G was nervous you wouldn't make it. But we knew you'd be here. We can always depend on you." 

     In all three of these circumstances, those around me have given light to my stability and my dependability. But for so long in my life, I've felt anything but stable. Things are always changing in my life. I can never keep a daily routine, I have a spirit that goes with the wind. Change is inevitable in my life. THINGS ALWAYS CHANGE! I NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT!

     I thought about this after I helped my sisters, and had the attention on my stability come forward again for the third time. It dawned on me that while YES, I have thrown stability to the wind and have let adventure lead my life, I didn't necessarily get rid of it! You see, by throwing stability to the wind, I had given it to God. That is the only thing that is stable in my life: God is always present. 

    So, take it for what you will. If you feel like you can't catch a break, that things are always haywire, maybe they are. But one thing's for sure, God's in the Wind. I threw my stability to Him!

This Girl Is On Fire - Advent Day 2

"She's just a girl and she's on fire.

She's living in a world and it's on fire.

Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away.

Oh, she got both feet on the ground, 

and she's burning it down."

- "Girl On Fire," Alicia Keys

    The goal is to ready your hearts. That's the main goal of Advent. Ready your hearts for the coming of Jesus...the little baby. Over the past few weeks God has given me a lot to think about (and stress about....and by stress, I mean pray...). Advent is usually one of my most favorite seasons of the year because it is the start of the new Liturgical year. It means Christmas is coming. And yet, it seems this year that there is a bit of blockage in my heart. Things, inside, have honestly been a little rough lately. And since I told you this is about ups AND downs, I feel I can share!

    There are two weeks of school left and a ton of school work to accomplish. In addition, I am required to maintain somewhat of a social life by attending the Christmas activities. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I feel burnt out. But the burn out is more in my heart than in my brain. My heart is recovering by a little more brokenness than I think I chose to accept. It's trying to figure out relationships and how much can it share with someone without sharing too much. Who can it trust? Who can it bleed (cry) in front of? How much can it sacrifice until finally breaking? And how close can it get with people without it meaning more? You see, so many relationship issues have come into play in my life recently between friends, best friends, family members, and yes, boys. My heart has felt lonely in so many ways lately and the fire that seemingly used to be on fire is burning out. Logic says that water puts out flames even more so, but this Saturday, I learned that it is quite the opposite when it comes to the fire of the heart. 

    This past Saturday, we had a day long (seriously....8:30am to 10:30pm) retreat called "Hearts on Fire." Since we are being honest here, I'll tell you that as much as I love retreats, I don't like these types of retreats. It's hard for me to find "retreat" in a series of intellectual talks and strictly scheduled activities. For me, retreat should be a time where I can embrace quietude and less of a dependency on time. But, I went with it. I helped out more than I participated, registering people in the beginning, singing at Mass and the likes. At the end of the day, I really thought that I hadn't gotten much from God during the day. But, like usual, God was waiting for the last possible moment to give me a wow moment. He waits until I am just about to give up and surprises me. 

    My Daddy was coming to pick me up after Retreat, but he came a little early to hear the last talk and go to Adoration with us. While I can't honestly tell you what the last talk was about, I will remember Adoration forever. My dad and I sat in the same pew, but quite a distance apart. As soon as the Blessed Sacrament was exposed, tears started running down my face. Despite being surrounded by a ton of people, strangers at that, I just let the tears go as if it was just me and Jesus. As I was sitting, crying, in my heart, all I wanted was a hug. I wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and protect my heart. I wanted my heart to stop hurting so bad. I asked God for a hug. It was almost as if He said, "DUH," because I looked right at my real Daddy. So, I did what every little girl does when she's hurt. I went to my Daddy. He immediately put his arm around me and I cried. I cried, and essentially sobbed and he just held me. Oh to feel so little and protected again. Instead of the fire going completely out with the water of my tears, they were like kindling. 

     The next morning, after really reflecting on and thanking God for my hour of Adoration with my Daddy, I sat down and prepared myself to once again be a Sponsor for the Sacrament of Confirmation. For for the fifth time in my twenty years of life, I was a sponsor. And what a joy, yet again, it was. Ironically, the same Bishop was Confirming this time, confirmed me so many years before. It was so perfect that on this start of Advent, Giovanna took the name Anne (Mary's Mama). How excited Mary must have been to be expecting a baby, but imagine Grandma's joy! Especially for the FIRST GRANDBABY! Yes, how perfect Confirmation was! When Bishop Maginnis shook my hand at the end of Confirmation (after remembering confirming me so many years previously), he mentioned I should stay out of trouble. I answered as honestly as I could, "If only it were that easy." His response? "Touche, wise one. Try." It added a bit more kindling to the small flame beginning again in my heart!

      That afternoon, there was no rushing around, and so, I treated my littlest sister to a lunch date! I let her choose the place and the lunch we split (since we ironically have the smallest appetites ever). I even humored her by ordering a blue soda for her and for me. Needless to say, we were sick to our stomachs from laughing so hard, eating so much, and we both had blue tongues to share the tale. At the end of the date, she took my hand and said, "Well this was nice time spent together before you go back to school. Thanks, Becky." She sounded so mature for her little 8-year old self! I felt so blessed in that moment! The fire was growing bigger. 

      This fire, now slowly coming back like a campfire in the dead of Winter, was struggling still, but growing. I was trying so hard to feel something other than brokenness in my heart for this Advent and still, it didn't seem like this little flame was going to be enough. I had just finished my first class today when I remembered I had to stop by work study to get some info for an upcoming fundraiser. It went a lot shorter than I expected, actually. At the end, Sister Cathy surprised me by asking if I wanted to pray the Advent reflection with her. When I thought about it, she had never asked me to pray with her before. It's something I've done with so many other sisters, but never with her. It was definitely some unique kindling to add to my flame of heart. 

     So, after all of this being said, my heart is fostering a little flame inside. I can feel it really trying to grow. Maybe your heart is the same. Maybe you feel so cold that you can believe there's a fire there. Maybe all that is needed for a fire is there, you just need some flint or matches. Or maybe your heart already is a flaming hearth! However your heart may be, be open to the kindling that will be thrown into your fire. Maybe it's the Scriptures, maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's a bit of kindness and gentleness shown toward you. Whatever it is, I can guarantee that God is giving you kindling and logs for your fire! I'm waiting for my logs to come, just like I am waiting for Baby Jesus. God is preparing my heart for His son. Remember, it's going to be cold around here when Jesus comes. He's going to need some place warm to stay. Make it your heart. Be a girl (or guy) on fire!

A Re-Evaluation of Life Goals - A Story of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise

"Either do something worth writing or write something worth reading."

- Benjamin Franklin

    First, I would like to extend a serious "Welcome Home" to Suri Cruise and her mom, Katie Holmes. If you've even barely listened to the news recently you know that Katie and Tom have split and are no longer together. Just as quick as the news about their divorce was released, news that Katie re-joined the Catholic faith in a nearby NYC Catholic Church was made known. A little late on her response, Katie must be responding to the "Catholics Come Home Campaign!" I literally jumped for joy when I read the article on Katie's coming home and shouted a big, "Good for you, Katie. You go, girl." 

    Now, I'm really not that big on following the celebs and their drama. It's often way too much drama for this little calma llama. However, this drama is PERFECT drama for my Mama, Mary. You see, the moment I saw Katie had come home to our Mother Church, I started praying for her even more. All the drama the celebs go through is reason enough for people like us to pray for them. But now that she's re-joining the Catholic Faith...hello holy reason to pray!! AND NOW...Katie is enrolling little miss Suri (who I think is one of the cutest celeb children ever) in the Convent of the Sacred Heart School. Now, I don't want to jinx anything, but I've got a pretty good sixth sense involving vocations. Just sayin' that Suri would make a pretty precious Sister Dolores Hart Jr. 

     Little Miss Suri is only 6 six years old so this means she's got a year or two before her First Holy Communion. This also means she's got a good amount of time before she makes her Confirmation, which is my favorite sacrament. So, in reading all this GREAT news, I did a little re-evaluation of my life goals and I've added one: To be Suri Cruise's Confirmation Sponsor. My original goal was to be a sponsor more times than my dad, but I think if I get the blessing of being Suri Cruise's Sponsor, I will automatically trump my dad. Of course, no goal can be reached without a plan and since I have friends everywhere, I am enlisting them in helping me help catechize little miss Suri. What do you think? Haha...if only. 

      In all seriousness, however, I think Katie has a good head on her shoulders sending Suri to a Catholic School and bringing her into our beautiful faith. Who better to guide this precious little one than the Communion of Saints and our Blessed Mother?! I mean really. Suri will get to know Jesus and our Father in Heaven as well as all the numerous, beautiful things about our Faith. And let's be honest...how cool would it be to be a Confirmation sponsor for Suri? I'm just sayin'. I'm pretty sure that would be something worth reading about!!!