A blog sharing the journey of a young woman discerning her role in the world as a contemporary Catholic. Here she tells numerous stories of service, prayer, struggle, nuns, her students and her family. Each day is a beautiful one and why not spread the goodness?
It is a day so many wait for anxiously while others wish the day never to arrive only because it means good-bye. For me and most of my friends, Graduation was a day that both excited us and scared us. We were stuck in between crying from pure joy and crying from sadness. After four years of working our tail feathers off, we were finally ready to say, "We did it." Yet, there is always the fear of what the future brings that looms over. However, I found comfort in Isaiah 43:1 : "Fear not; I have called you each by name. You are mine."
At every commencement there is a speaker. This year, we were blessed to have Ed Herr, President of the Herr's Food Company (you know, the potato chip guy) speak. Having been to the past two graduations at IU, I have heard my share of graduation speeches. However, I can say that Mr. Herr, by a landslide, was my favorite. His theme was "loving people like crazy." He shared many stories of his parents, what they had done, how the company had started, and even some beautiful stories of him and the kids growing up. At the end of each story, he said, "that's how you love people like crazy." I felt that resonate within me so incredibly because truly, I love people and I would go to any length to let each person I love, know that I love them so much. Even yesterday after commencement someone was joking as I shouted I love you to a plethora of nuns, "you love everyone." Yes, I do. But I love each person so uniquely. I remembered as Mr. Herr was speaking that it is my calling - to go forth and set the world on fire with love.
I kept thinking all during commencement, as I was surrounded by my family and friends, how I know one thing about my future is certain: I am meant to love and serve the Lord with all my heart and soul. I have no idea where in the world He will call me to, or who I will be with, but I know wherever I go, with whomever I go, it will be for Him. And all of this will be done through love - loving people like crazy. Of course, as I was sitting there thinking about all of this, I had many fears and doubts cross my mind. That's when I remembered Isaiah 43. FEAR NOT.
Suddenly, I was getting up from my seat and following the line of students preparing to graduate. As I walked onto the stage, faculty members and sisters were waving and blowing kisses to me as I passed them. I was even paying more attention to Sister Eileen that I almost missed giving Patty Canterino my name card. Suddenly, it was happening, I was being "called by name" across the stage to receive my diploma from Sister Lorraine, the chair of the board of trustees (and also the famous sister in my most recent sister selfie). She shook my hand, I hugged her, and continued my walk across the stage. On the other side were more sisters and professors holding their hands out to me as I passed for high fives. The Sisters were waving as my number one fans and in the background of this all happening, I could hear my family screaming and cheering despite the fact that Sister Jo asked the crowd not to do that. I could hear loud and clear, "I HAVE CALLED YOU BY NAME. YOU ARE MINE."
Just as I felt incredibly "chosen and precious" by God during our Baccalaureate Mass, I was feeling, "chosen and called by name" at Graduation. There is no denying that God has called each of us onto bigger and better things. Each of us had our names literally called at Graduation yesterday and there is no coincidence that God was in each of those name readings. Whether we realized it or not, we are all part of God's plan. Somehow He's got the "mess" we call life all figured out. I've got to trust in that.
How beautiful it was to see Isaiah 43 put into action during Graduation. I truly felt that there was no need to fear because God literally called me by name that day. I felt the intense feeling of being wholly His as I smiled at all those who had supported me throughout my four years at Immaculata. I felt so incredibly ready to take on the adventure God has planned for me. Even now as I write, I'm excitedly awaiting the rest of my life. Simply thinking about all the amazing things I know God has planned for me excites the fire within. That fire has been burning for a while....and now, it's time to go forth and set the world on fire by loving people like crazy.
After commencement, my friends and I gathered on our "back porch" and took a ton of pictures. Of course, I had a bucket list of nuns I needed pictures with. I had some incredibly precious ones of my number one mentors and closest "big sisters." In fact, the not so serious, very candid ones are my favorite. They are the definition of my relationship with these crazy Sisters. While it was easy to see most of the Sisters, since they were all ready outside and willing to be beautifully photogenic, there was one picture that required special access to the VIP section of the cafeteria. With one snapshot, the bucket list was completed. I felt like an incredibly blessed graduation princess. With all the pictures and moments captured, I truly felt God's smiling face looking down on all of us.
God has chosen each of us, He has called us by name and He has claimed us as His. Fear not. God is good and I know He has given me a flame inside to go forth and set the world on fire.
"I have struggled with this call to vocation all my life.
I can understand why people have doubts, because who understands God?
I don't."
- Mother Dolores Hart
We've all seen those famous movie stars become nuns: Whoopi Goldberg as Sister Mary Clarence in Sister Act, Rosalind Russell as Mother Superior in The Trouble With Angels, Audrey Hepburn as Sister Luke in The Nun's Story and of course, my favorite, Julie Andrews as Maria in the Sound of Music. Famous women in Hollywood taking on roles of Sisters and Nuns for Hollywood purposes. While no one can really be sure why, Sisters and Nuns tend to show up in random comedy movies and documentaries. I could think of a number of reasons why Hollywood chooses to produce movies and films about Sisters and Nuns but quite honestly I think the real reason is this: Unless you are a Sister, the movie viewer, no matter how Catholic he or she is, has no idea what being a religious really is like. I can admit myself, that as much as I know about the Sisters and their lifestyle, there is no knowing for sure what the religious life is all about until one finally joins a community. And so, because we as lay people have no idea, we try to portray what we think or how we assume convent or monastery life is lived. Sometimes it is a close depiction, other times it's pretty far off. Regardless, perhaps writing screenplays about Sisters and Nuns and other religious is Hollywood's attempt to give knowledge of the unknown. Last night, I had the most awesome opportunity to listen to and meet Mother Dolores Hart. Unlike Whoopie, Rosalind, Audrey and Julie, Mother Dolores, after acting as St. Clare (a religious nun) in a film, actually took a further step and entered a community of Benedictines in Connecticut. She took her role as a nun to a whole new level.
We were supposed to meet at Our Mother of Consolation Parish in Chestnut Hill. I had no idea where that was or how I was going to get there. I didn't know the area well, and was surprised when my GPS told me to take the turnpike instead of 95. Although, after traveling back and forth to Philly every day this week on 95, I was grateful for the change in commute. My GPS sweetly mentioned : destination on right. I was having trouble believe it, but lo and behold, as I turned the corner, there in the distance was a group of lovely ladies dressed in blue. I laughed to myself: I know I'm in the right place when I see the nuns. I parked my car, met Sister Kim in the parking lot and then walked in. All hopes of remaining unnoticed were shattered when immediately we were greeted with "Sister, your Sisters are up front." That was no understatement...there they were in the front rows.
The next few moments were spent catching up with each other as it had been such a long time since I had seen the Motherhouse Sisters. We laughed and shared stories, until someone mentioned that Mother Dolores was not on IHM time. What exactly is IHM time, because as far as I knew, according to my internal IHM clock, Mother Dolores was right on time. Before I could comprehend what was happening before me, this little, tiny, maybe five foot tall nun dressed in a black and white habit made her way across the altar. How precious! was all I could say. She looked straight out of a fairy tale!
The first thing she mentioned was that she had been wondering what to actually speak about that night. How she started telling us though really spoke to my heart, especially with what happened right after. She said, "Most of you are probably wondering why. Why did I, a famous Hollywood actress, decide to give up everything for the cloister life? Why would I become a nun?" She left a few moments for the audience to think, to wonder, to imagine. For the most part, it was quiet. However, as I was sitting with a fairly large group of lovely IHM ladies in blue, I heard a mumble amongst them that said, Oh I know why. It's the same reason for all of us. I'm not quite sure who said it, but I had to laugh. Suddenly I realized, I knew, too. No, none of us sitting there were once famous, we didn't have Hollywood at our every beck and call, but the Sisters among us gave up so much for this life and I am finding myself doing the same as I prepare for the big step that will happen sooner or later. While we might not have the same exact story as Mother Dolores, we all knew why she was sitting there before us, not as a movie star, but as a religious nun. The rest of the audience might not have known, but we, we knew.
As I was sitting there, listening to Mother Dolores speak, I couldn't help but wish my friends were there with me. I had invited them but it was too late notice for them. I was bummed because I knew they would love her story as much as I did. I texted them when I got home telling them how much I had wished they had been there and in googling some more of Mother's story, I found out she was speaking at another close-by Parish. So, I called the girlies up and the next night I found myself and three of my good friends sitting in a pew listening to Mother Dolores, me for the second time and them for the first.
She didn't start her talk out the same way, but she did reiterate what she had began to say the night before. This time, instead of stating that most people wonder why on earth she would do such a thing, she asked if everyone knew what it felt like to be in love. We were surrounded by married couples and religious sisters and priests and some young people, too. More or less, except for those youngins, nodded, spoke amongst themselves and agreed with Mother. She then said that for her, when she went to Regina Laudis Monastery, she felt the same fire of love for this lifestyle just as she would if she had fallen in love with a man. Many people were in awe but just as the night before, the sisters were all shaking their heads, nodding in agreement; they knew, they knew exactly the fire she was speaking about.
I smiled as my friends engulfed this notion. For me, ever since I really started openly discerning, I have tried subtly to show people how awesome and normal sisters are compared to regular everyday people. Whether I had invited them to a pick-up softball game, to the movies, or just to dinner, my friends slowly got to understand that these sisters I was so fascinated with were just regular people with an extraordinary calling. I had invited my friends last night to see Mother Dolores not only because I knew they would enjoy the spirituality aspect, but also because I wanted them to hear and understand another Sister's story. I believe that our stories are so important, and even Mother Dolores spoke about that. She said that our roots define us, that we should be proud of where we come from, because it is that that God starts planting the seeds for our future. I had invited my friends so that they, too, could understand what it was about this fire that ignites the soul and invites it to live for Jesus and only for Him.
As her talk went on, I found myself reflecting on my own firey soul. This week I have been blessed to teach pre-8th graders with some of my IHM Sisters down at St. Joe's Prep. One of the things we really focused on in all our classes was the importance of St. Ignatius' words "Go forth and set the world on fire." How awesome that Mother spoke about the fire. We cannot set the world on fire, if we ourselves are not on fire with the love of God. So often, that's how I feel I truly live out my vocation, that is, my mission in life to love. I see myself as a literal fire. At some moments in my life, I am simply a small fire, setting aflame the kindling in the fire pit. But at other times, I am a loud, roaring fire setting aflame logs and many other things. I recalled the first time I started recognizing the fire in my soul, the fire that whispered with ever crackle, "love Me, devote your life to Me, give Me your life." I found myself knowing exactly what Mother was speaking about. I knew why she had entered the religious life, because I, too, am doing the same for the same reason: we had each fallen in love with something so different, so out of this world, that there is nothing else we can do except accept His proposal.
After the talk, I introduced myself to some IHM Sisters that were casually idling by Mother Dolores. I told them that I attend their University and felt that I should say hello, introduce myself, get know where they were from and who they were. While this conversation was taking place, some of my Nazareth Sisters came behind me to give me kisses on the cheek before they headed out the door. Quickly I introduced the Sisters to each other explaining how I seemingly know all the nuns everywhere. We all laughed and then quickly got on our ways.
As I drove home, my three good friends in tow, we chatted about Mother and all she had to say. We were stopped at one of the many, many, many street lights on Street Road, when Sara who was riding shotgun happened to notice nuns in the car next to us. She screamed, "NUNS! Our NUNS!" Frantically, the girls all started waving and shouting but the Sisters, all four of them, kept their eyes ahead. I explained the whole custody of the eyes ordeal to the girlies and we had a good laugh. I knew, however, we were headed in the same direction and would probably be trailing each other all the way up the street. So, the girlies kept up their devotion to getting the sisters' attention. Finally, they did. Of course, I said to them after the fact that we were noticed, "Oh great, now they will totally be judging my driving." I was right, the sisters had followed us all the way home. At one point, Sister who was driving the car, pulled into the lane next to me. All of the sisters now were so excited to see us and were waving just as frantically as we were. Suddenly, Sister started inching forward. Sara then jokingly said, "I think she just challenged you to a drag race." We laughed, of course, because our drag race consisted of us doing 35 mph down the side streets of Philadelphia, trying NOT to get in an accident.
And so, our nights listening to and meeting Mother Dolores Hart were eventful (as anything is in my life) and truly, she brought me back into my own reflective spirit. What I said in the beginning, is true. Mother Dolores spoke at length about the mystery of falling in love with Jesus and the religious life. While many of the lay people in the audiences merely shook their heads respectively, the sisters in the audiences knew exactly what she was talking about. Today, we find so often we try and try and try to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes men and women enter this religious life, but unless one has truly experienced it him or herself, you don't know, you simply can't. But Mother put it so kindly, just as how many of us wonder how on earth you fell in love with your husband or wife, many question the religious. But just as you did marry that questionable husband or wife, we entered religious life. There is just something about it that captures our souls forever and we fall in love. And so, truly what Mother taught us all or reiterated in us, is that finding your vocation, finding out your true calling, all comes down to the Hart of the matter.
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away.
Oh, she got both feet on the ground,
and she's burning it down."
- "Girl On Fire," Alicia Keys
The goal is to ready your hearts. That's the main goal of Advent. Ready your hearts for the coming of Jesus...the little baby. Over the past few weeks God has given me a lot to think about (and stress about....and by stress, I mean pray...). Advent is usually one of my most favorite seasons of the year because it is the start of the new Liturgical year. It means Christmas is coming. And yet, it seems this year that there is a bit of blockage in my heart. Things, inside, have honestly been a little rough lately. And since I told you this is about ups AND downs, I feel I can share!
There are two weeks of school left and a ton of school work to accomplish. In addition, I am required to maintain somewhat of a social life by attending the Christmas activities. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I feel burnt out. But the burn out is more in my heart than in my brain. My heart is recovering by a little more brokenness than I think I chose to accept. It's trying to figure out relationships and how much can it share with someone without sharing too much. Who can it trust? Who can it bleed (cry) in front of? How much can it sacrifice until finally breaking? And how close can it get with people without it meaning more? You see, so many relationship issues have come into play in my life recently between friends, best friends, family members, and yes, boys. My heart has felt lonely in so many ways lately and the fire that seemingly used to be on fire is burning out. Logic says that water puts out flames even more so, but this Saturday, I learned that it is quite the opposite when it comes to the fire of the heart.
This past Saturday, we had a day long (seriously....8:30am to 10:30pm) retreat called "Hearts on Fire." Since we are being honest here, I'll tell you that as much as I love retreats, I don't like these types of retreats. It's hard for me to find "retreat" in a series of intellectual talks and strictly scheduled activities. For me, retreat should be a time where I can embrace quietude and less of a dependency on time. But, I went with it. I helped out more than I participated, registering people in the beginning, singing at Mass and the likes. At the end of the day, I really thought that I hadn't gotten much from God during the day. But, like usual, God was waiting for the last possible moment to give me a wow moment. He waits until I am just about to give up and surprises me.
My Daddy was coming to pick me up after Retreat, but he came a little early to hear the last talk and go to Adoration with us. While I can't honestly tell you what the last talk was about, I will remember Adoration forever. My dad and I sat in the same pew, but quite a distance apart. As soon as the Blessed Sacrament was exposed, tears started running down my face. Despite being surrounded by a ton of people, strangers at that, I just let the tears go as if it was just me and Jesus. As I was sitting, crying, in my heart, all I wanted was a hug. I wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and protect my heart. I wanted my heart to stop hurting so bad. I asked God for a hug. It was almost as if He said, "DUH," because I looked right at my real Daddy. So, I did what every little girl does when she's hurt. I went to my Daddy. He immediately put his arm around me and I cried. I cried, and essentially sobbed and he just held me. Oh to feel so little and protected again. Instead of the fire going completely out with the water of my tears, they were like kindling.
The next morning, after really reflecting on and thanking God for my hour of Adoration with my Daddy, I sat down and prepared myself to once again be a Sponsor for the Sacrament of Confirmation. For for the fifth time in my twenty years of life, I was a sponsor. And what a joy, yet again, it was. Ironically, the same Bishop was Confirming this time, confirmed me so many years before. It was so perfect that on this start of Advent, Giovanna took the name Anne (Mary's Mama). How excited Mary must have been to be expecting a baby, but imagine Grandma's joy! Especially for the FIRST GRANDBABY! Yes, how perfect Confirmation was! When Bishop Maginnis shook my hand at the end of Confirmation (after remembering confirming me so many years previously), he mentioned I should stay out of trouble. I answered as honestly as I could, "If only it were that easy." His response? "Touche, wise one. Try." It added a bit more kindling to the small flame beginning again in my heart!
That afternoon, there was no rushing around, and so, I treated my littlest sister to a lunch date! I let her choose the place and the lunch we split (since we ironically have the smallest appetites ever). I even humored her by ordering a blue soda for her and for me. Needless to say, we were sick to our stomachs from laughing so hard, eating so much, and we both had blue tongues to share the tale. At the end of the date, she took my hand and said, "Well this was nice time spent together before you go back to school. Thanks, Becky." She sounded so mature for her little 8-year old self! I felt so blessed in that moment! The fire was growing bigger.
This fire, now slowly coming back like a campfire in the dead of Winter, was struggling still, but growing. I was trying so hard to feel something other than brokenness in my heart for this Advent and still, it didn't seem like this little flame was going to be enough. I had just finished my first class today when I remembered I had to stop by work study to get some info for an upcoming fundraiser. It went a lot shorter than I expected, actually. At the end, Sister Cathy surprised me by asking if I wanted to pray the Advent reflection with her. When I thought about it, she had never asked me to pray with her before. It's something I've done with so many other sisters, but never with her. It was definitely some unique kindling to add to my flame of heart.
So, after all of this being said, my heart is fostering a little flame inside. I can feel it really trying to grow. Maybe your heart is the same. Maybe you feel so cold that you can believe there's a fire there. Maybe all that is needed for a fire is there, you just need some flint or matches. Or maybe your heart already is a flaming hearth! However your heart may be, be open to the kindling that will be thrown into your fire. Maybe it's the Scriptures, maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's a bit of kindness and gentleness shown toward you. Whatever it is, I can guarantee that God is giving you kindling and logs for your fire! I'm waiting for my logs to come, just like I am waiting for Baby Jesus. God is preparing my heart for His son. Remember, it's going to be cold around here when Jesus comes. He's going to need some place warm to stay. Make it your heart. Be a girl (or guy) on fire!
