Please Excuse the English Major in Me While I Fascinate You With Some Literature :)

"Be grateful to God for testing you, as He did with all our ancestors." - Judith 8

"There is nothing I hate more than a man who is not serious about meals." - The Importance of Being Earnest

"I will die for you if you promise to love me in return." - Ancrene Riwle

     If I haven't said it before, I'm an English/Education major. Which means a few things: I love to diagram sentences for fun, I love GRAMMAR, I love Poetry Analysis and I LOVE ALL TYPES OF LITERATURE! However, I am also a Theology minor. Which means a few things: I love Jesus, I love apologetics, I love Scripture and I LOVE THE LITERATURE IN THE CHURCH (e.g. The Bible, The CCC, the Book of Canon Law, the encyclicals...). Put all of my studies together and you get one giant book nerd who happens to relate everything back to Catholicism in some way; or my discernment. 

     So here's the deal: Last week was rough. If you read my last blog post, you know. And I'll be honest that really until this morning at morning prayer (which I literally had to drag myself out of bed for, mind you), I was still mulling over my hardships of last week. Then, we had a reading from Judith in our morning prayer book. The very first line? The first quotation I gave you. Yep, imagine who starting laughing right away. Me. Hearing those words really gave me the extra umph I needed today and now, because of it, I feel I can write!

     In the past week in classes, we have covered many, many, many different types of literature. Granted, that's expected because all but two of my six classes are literature courses. YAYAYAY! Anyway, the past week's assignments were as follows: READ The Importance of Being Earnest, Ancrene Riwl, and The Chocolate War. If you've read any of those, you'll feed right in. If not, hold on for the ride of your life. The first is a play written in the Victorian Era, (1895), by Oscar Wilde. If you know me, you've come to realize that I simply adore sarcastic and satirical writing. Earnest fills that right away by using a play on words. It was a joy and a hoot to read. But now HOW on earth does this relate to my life now? In the play, food plays a huge part. Read above, again, the second quotation. I agreed right away when that line was spoken. 

     I've always mentioned that my favorite way to discern is over a good meal. I really believe that in preparing, eating and cleaning up after a good meal, one's guard truly comes down and people become more vulnerable and honest than in any other situation aside from sleep deprivation. You could blame my love for food on being Italian or being a Naz Acad Grad, but really it's a necessity of life and we all must depend on it. It's a normal human function, and great conversation comes out over a good meal. Therefore I totally concur that every one must take their meals seriously!!

    The third quotation I give you is from Ancrene Riwl which is actually a rule book, based on the Beneditine Rule, for Anchoresses (aka people like Julian of Norwich who practiced solitary, contemplative life). We read it in my English Literature to 1500's class as part of "Old English Literature" You might be thinking, "What is so great about a RULE BOOK?" Well, within the book there is a parable of the Christ-Knight figure. In the story, there is a young maiden after whom the Knight is pining. He attempts, without end, to gain her interest and love but she repeatedly refuses his love. Taking drastic measures the knight tells her He would die for her if she promised to love him. She agrees and he dies. Sound familiar? HELLO Crucifixion story!!! It was the single most romantic parable of Christ I had ever read. Granted, I've written some short stories about Christ in a modern light, as the great romancer, but truth is most people don't see Him that way. I do, partly because WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT A PRINCE WHO WOULD DIE FOR HER? The ultimate sacrifice, people, the fullest example of SELFLESS LOVE! Yeah, Jesus is pretty romantic. So, you can see how I easily fell in love with the story. It's sooooooooo good!

    Finally, The Chocolate War, for my Young Adult literature. Maybe you have read it? Maybe you liked it? Maybe you hated it? To each her own. So real quick, let's see. It's about a candy fundraiser in a private, all boy, catholic academy that is run by brothers, and everything goes haywire. It vaguely reminded me of the Magazine drive at my high school, the private, all girl, catholic academy run by the sisters. Like oh my gosh, did it sound familiar. However, we never got as nasty as the characters do in the book. But they're boys. The ironic thing was, I actually liked it. Even though I completely disagreed with every the book offered morally. And there wasn't a happy ending. I guess that's life. Regardless, it was a good book. Not something I would give my students to read, but still a good book.

     And so, there's my English lessons of the day put into a nutshell for you!! If you haven't read the books, read them. Let me know what you think. And then, I challenge you to find God or Jesus or Mary or some form of Catholicism in any book you read. Using Spiritual Reading books is cheating. Find a regular novel, one that wouldn't be associated with Religion and find God in it. I can promise you, He's there. And if reading isn't your thing. Try it with music. Yes, I've found God in Linkin Park and Eminem. Shocking, but true. Enjoy the challenge!

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes...A Story About Doubt

"Even the best fall down sometimes. 

Even the wrong word seems to rhyme. 

Out of the doubt that fills my mind, 

I somehow find, You and I collide."

- Howie Day, Collide

    Let's be frank, here (notice I didn't say Frank, because I prefer Becca to any other name for myself.): The blog description says this: A blog about the ups and downs of taking the road less traveled by, etc. Today, I'm turning a "down" into an up. 

    We all suffer doubts at some points in our life. Whether you're doubting your college major in your senior year,  or doubting whether or not you really like your significant other, or doubting that the pizza you had for lunch was actually good for you or even doubting your confidence on a test you studied eight straight hours for. Or maybe it's deeper doubt, like doubting your profession/occupation in life, or doubting that your role in a single person's life, or doubting God. They say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." And for me this Doubt, this Doubt is, "What if all I thought was right for me, was really just an inlet for others to find God and their vocations, and really God hasn't revealed any of His REAL plan for me."

    I began to think, what REALLY drags me to Mass every morning? Was it pure love of the Lord or fear to stray from the routine? When I find myself sitting before the Lord a few minutes before Mass saying, "JC, I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing," that scares me. It makes me want to cry because I don't know what to hold onto. It's as if the string of hope is a mere sewing thread. I feel like I'm holding onto the ledge, dangling over the Grande Canyon, by my fingertips, getting ready to let go. I feel like all I've ever thought was God's plan for me, the religious life, might not be truly His plan. 

    And then I think, after I post a questioning status that all the nuns hop on like it's the newest trending hashtag on Twitter, what about Mother Teresa who spent all those years in a Spiritual Desert? What about all those saints who felt like God was silent? They became SAINTS! I'm not saying I'm going to become a saint, but that all these HOLY MEN AND WOMEN felt like God was silent, too. They doubted. They felt like giving up. I needed someone to be God's voice to me and right away, those voices of God came. 

    It's like the sisters know (now, without having to even see my face) that I'm dealing with doubt and need some help. For the first time this week, I went to morning Mass instead of Noon Mass, and my piano nun chose "The Lord is my Hope" for the entrance hymn. Right away, it was like a mass text went out to tell everyone that Becca needed prayers and encouragement. Actually, truth is, a text did go out to those cell phone savvy but not Facebook savvy sisters around me at school that I needed prayers. I quickly found that the majority of the sisters on campus and at the Motherhouse knew of my ailment and began to storm Heaven, for they, themselves, knew the power of Doubt and how much it hurts. Before I could cry another tear, I was getting spiritual direction via text messages and Facebook chats. And even at Mass yesterday morning, the kind smile from a sister and another sister taking the seat next to me, reminded me that God is not silent; I just wasn't listening. 

    While I may still be in a period of doubt, it has lessened greatly due to the voices of God who helped me out. And I've come to realize that this "uncertainty" of sorts is a normal feeling for anyone but especially for young people discerning this call to religious life. And so say a prayer for all those who may be going through enormous amounts of doubt in their vocation. If you've been there before, you know how much those prayers can help! And here's to making the down an up!

I Survived Death Roe...Bea's Pro-Life Story

   If you were born after January 22, 1973, you have done an incredible feat. You have survived DEATH ROE! Most people have commonly heard the term Roe V. Wade and they know what it stands for. It was the event that LEGALIZED abortions in the US (oh what HORROR!!!) But most people don't know that, "Roe," Norma L. McCorvey, the woman for whom the bill was passed is now Pro-Life, regrets her decision to abort her unborn baby and now speaks all over the US. Maybe you've heard of Gianna Jessen, the woman who survived a saline solution abortion in the 7th month of her mother's pregnancy. And how about, Lila Rose, the college student who sneaks into Abortion Clinics and exposes cases of abuse. She is the founder of Live Action, her pro-life movement. These are all among the most well known, pro-life names. And yet, while all are such inspirations to me, there's one woman who tops it all: Beatrice Gutherman. Yep, my grandmother. 

    Mother of eleven children, she was the epitome of CATHOLIC FAMILY during her time. She was a stay-at-home mother who was involved in both the school of her children and the family Parish. Among all the things she did, her biggest fight was the fight for the right for life. Rumor has it, she was arrested twice and yet, never convicted for being a passive protester outside of Planned Parenthood. Rumor also has it that she told every young woman entering the Planned Parenthood that she would adopt her baby if she went through with the pregnancy. In the end, Bea never had to adopt any other children because those women, touched by her prayers and sincerity, always went through with their pregnancies and kept their babies. Rumor also has it that her Pro-life legacy lives on. Ok, so the first two are really true facts given to me by my Daddy and the last one, that's true, too, because I carry on her legacy. 

      I never knew Bea, but whenever I'm getting ready to fight for the right to life, I beg her intercession. Whenever I'm praying outside Planned Parenthood or Marching for Life, like I did Monday, I feel her presence with me. There's so much of my grandmother I wish I knew and yet, I've heard so many stories that I feel like she's my best friend. When I finally decided to discern the religious life, Bea was the one I wanted to talk to; no one else. I wanted Bea's opinion on it and I wanted her to be proud of me. From what my uncles' say, she'd be more than proud of me. I wanted Bea to hold my hand during Mass, or come visit me at school, or drive me to retreat, or pray with me, or even just sit and chat. Heck, I'd do anything if I could just get a hug from Bea and maybe it's asking too much, but a kiss on the cheek would be pretty great, too. There is SO MUCH I wish to have had from Bea, because I know I am her grandchild, her legacy and her pride and joy. And on nights like tonight, when my world seems to be crashing down, and I am doubting everything, I wish I could call Bea up and talk to her, have her pray for and with me, and maybe she'd visit me tomorrow if she could...if she was here. Maybe she'd make me skip classes and walk with me all day and let me cry with her arms wrapped around me. And while I may never know what Bea would have said to me about my discernment or my fights for the Catholic Church, I still feel her peaceful presence with me. And while I never knew her in this life, her life lives on through me and my legacy that I will leave on this earth. And in the long run, SHE is the very reason I am a Death Roe survivor. My Pro-Life story is her Pro-Life story and her legacy is my legacy. 

Toughin' and Roughin' It Like the Real Nuns...the Snow Story

       I love snow. I love the way it smells, I love the way the sky never gets dark after a snowfall, I love how you can never tell how late it really is outside, I love how everyone stays inside when it snows and I love simply laying in the snow! When I was a kid it took forever to get me back inside the house. I would layer up and be outside long before any of the other kids. I would build forts, snow men, go sledding. You name it, I did it. I just love snow. 

        And the truth is, I love summer, too. But most times I'd rather it be colder outside. You can always put more on than you can take off, I like to say. But most times, I don't wear too many layers in the snow anyway. The cold simply doesn't bother me. And so yesterday, when I found out it had snowed, I mentally prepared my outside for the snow. A pair of leggings and jeans with a heavy sweater and a coat. Shoes? Flats. I headed out of the dorm building fifteen minutes before Mass started and was met by the group of Sisters from the college driving over to the Motherhouse. Before I could object to a ride, they threw me in the back seat, and sped away. Ok actually, the gently asked me if I wanted a ride...if I helped clear off the car. Ok. No big deal. Sure. So we drove over. No one thought about my lack of layered outfit until I left the building after Mass. I walked right into a group of the sisters who were coming from a nearby Parish and I just happened to know them pretty well. First thing they said, "Aren't your feet cold?" Without missing a beat, I replied, "I'm just toughin' it out like the real nuns." We all laughed as they looked at their shoes; no better than my own. And then Sister said, "You're right, Bec, just like Theresa Maxis in Michigan. Right through the snow to the little log cabin." Yep, just like their foundress, I trudged through the snow back to my little dorm building.

      Now mind you, the snow fun hadn't ended there. Later that night (and I mean later...like 9:30PM) my best friend and I took his sleds out to the Motherhouse hills and went sledding. For a good hour and a half, we played like little kids in the snow. It was perfect!! 

Oh, and I couldn't help but post the picture of all the nuns' coats and boots lined up in the hallway; way too precious!

I'm Only Human...A Story About Celibacy

     I wonder if any of you has ever heard the term Father or Sister "WhatAWaste"? It's name most commonly given to those particular people who are beautiful both inside and outside. What past generations might coin, "a looker," "a beauty," "a knockout," or even, "a lulu" (never heard that one before), and my generation might call, "a hottie." And yet, why the whatawaste? Well, because they are so beautiful. In our heads we dream up reasons why that sister or father entered religious life and talk about the HUGE amount of hearts he or she probably broke by entering religious life. And then we catch ourselves realizing how they ARE perfectly who they are meant to be.
      When I walked into Mass Friday morning, I could tell the air was different. First thing I noticed: our regular chaplain was no where to be seen. Second thing I noticed: no one seemed to be bothered by it. Clearly I had missed something. Anyway, morning prayer had started and still no priest. Then randomly, through the door came Father "WhatAWaste." I'm confessing my humanity here.
       He is my favorite priest who says Mass occasionally on campus. I don't know his name or where he is from but he's young. Maybe only ten years my senior. Probably less. And his homilies; so perfect. I can honestly say why they wouldn't put him on a college campus more often! And let me honestly, I was probably not the only one condemning him Father "WhatAWaste."
      And as all of this was going through my head, JC decided to put the joke on me. Yep, the cute priest WOULD start his homily by talking about celibacy and how it's not the hardest part of being a religious, how he doesn't even have time to think about it. Let me honestly say, the whole chapel full of us swooning women, for we are only human, giggled at that notion. Oh, sure. But then, I thought about it. Neither do I. I don't even have time to think about celibacy. Of course, when the random good looker walks by, I'll acknowledge his God-gifted gorgeous-ness. But the truth is, that's it. Oh hi, you're cute. Nice to meet you; I'm training to be a nun. Ok, well not really. But you get the point.
      Father went on to talk about how to hardest parts of religious life are more the relationships we build within the community. It's hard when you build such good relationships and then get uprooted from your ministry and moved. He also said that there is always at least one person with whom you won't get along. With this, I concur. Even in discerning, I can witness a bit of the hardest parts of this life. I can't honestly say I've seen it all, I probably never will.  There are tons of fears I have, as any one sister or priest or brother or nun may, but it's in the handing over of those fears to God that we find out our dependence on Him and not ourselves.
     And so, my lesson for the day is this: God called me out on one of my biggest fears by sending me father "whatawaste" and healed that fear in the process. Yep, He's as real to me as my best friend and He can give me the greatest guidance when I sincerely need it the most.

NEED SOME HELP...FAQ

Ok, so real quick everyone. I need your help! I'm looking to help a sister out, so help a sister help a sister out! She's looking for some frequently asked questions people frequently ask sisters. Examples being: what do you as a sister/nun? What is the charism of the community? What do the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience mean? etc. etc. etc. So, ask away, my friends. LEAVE COMMENTS. And I'll be sure to pass them on so you can get your answers!! Thanks!!!

Coffee, Monks, Books and Sashays...A Story About Grace

           Word on the homefront has been...quiet, si. But not because I have nothing to say. When do I ever have NOTHING to say? Even in my sleep, I talk (awkward). Truth is, I've been monking, reading and sashaying this past week and achieving much grace because it. How? Keep reading.
           When you work for Campus Ministry, you can almost always assume (alliteration!) that you will, in some way, be roped into everything Campus Ministry does or guilt-tripped for it afterward. And so, I was a student leader for our Annual Freshmen Retreat. Having gone on the retreat last year, I knew exactly what was supposed to happen...so I thought. After finally agreeing to leading it, my three friends and I, questioned what on earth we had gotten ourselves into. It was a hectic three days before the retreat actually took place with multiple shopping runs, binder making, speech writing and so much more. By Friday afternoon, I was just about ready to quit, I was so stressed. But then, two of my best guy friends pulled in the Coffee Shop, made me get out and get a coffee. The moment the warm, fuzzy elixir rolled into my stomach, things started looking up. PRAISE GOD. Coffee can seriously do wonders. As soon as the coffee was in my system, I was ready. I was ready of a weekend of renewal.
             What always surprises me is not how much the leaders affect the retreatants but vice versa. My small group was absolutely amazingly inspiring. These students made things so real for me. And not only that, it was amazing listening to my peers as they gave their speeches. As best friends as we are, we all hold secrets and those secrets tend to come out when you bring down those walls. Needless to say, I know my friends a lot better now. And then there's our group leader, my work study nun. The nun who became more real to me on this trip than any other. She stole our s'mores right out of our hands like our crazy aunt, she tickled our feet like our loving mother, she uplifted us like our favorite teacher and made beds with us like the perfect nun would. Can you guess which one of the leaders she made the beds with? Yep, OCD me. Being on this retreat, at the quiet abbey, waking up the steady tolling of the Lauds bells, opened my eyes more than any experience so far this year.
               Ok, so retreat was excuse number one. Now for number two. Classes started this week. Can I tell you that I'm taking SEVEN classes and FIVE of them are on Monday. And since all but two are English courses, I've had book upon book upon book piled on top of me! So far, I'm going to be reading four books a week. So...I've been reading and doing homework.
              And finally, the Sashay's. I just came from my Phys. Ed class where we learned to Cuban Cha Cha and Sashay. Truth is, I was a bit disappointed because my best friend was supposed to be my dance partner and the teacher told us, we weren't doing dance partners...but I loved it. Tons of hip moving, cha-cha-ing and sashaying.
              But how does grace play into this? After my Young Adult Literature course, the sister who teaches it (and my FAVORITE English Nun), stopped me after class. She knew that I would be going to the March for Life and since I had her Spring Semester 2011, she said, "You're doing it to me again, Becky." "Yeah, sorry, Sister." To which she replied, "But really, good for you. Good luck!" As we walked out of the classroom, she asked about how break went and surprisingly asked if things were good with my soul. It was surprising because, she's not the type to rope religion into a regular conversation NOR does she know too much about me. Yet, she read me like a book. Things every so often, do get rough. Those are the cons of the life I lead. Sometimes, we all get lonely, sad, or gain the feeling of the desert. I never once mentioned the desert storm of my soul last semester to sister or to anyone really, but she knew. She read right through me. And she left me with this: "Grace will come, Becky. That I can promise. I don't know when it will come, but it will. It will come when you least expect it and most need it."
              Later that night, I auditioned for her children's theater drama production of Charlotte's Web. As a new member of Cue and Curtain, I should have had to perform a monologue, but I didn't. She just smiled, thanked me for my note and put me on the stage. There is something about her, that as intimidating as she can be as a teacher with her grades, puts me in awe of her. It's like from afar she watches me to make sure I'm doing alright. She doesn't mention anything to me unless we are caught in a situation with the two of us, which is rare. Yet, some how, she always has that wink in her smile when she sees me. As if maybe she's an angel in disguise and is watching over me. Or maybe...maybe it's just GRACE!