Attitude of Gratitude

"Nothing comes easily, 

where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace, 

I've lost everything. 

I just want to feel your embrace. 

Turn my grief to grace."

"Grace" - Kate Havnevik

A few weekends ago, I had yet another retreat under my belt. Below is the reflection I shared with my students on being grateful constantly and for all the right reasons. Since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought I'd share this with you. 

 

“Dear Mommom, thank you for helping me with my Girl Scout Badge. Here are some cursive letters (i t u e). Love, Rebecca Gutherman.”

I think that hilarious, little note was written probably when I was in 1st or 2nd grade; just about the time I was learning cursive. My Mommom had the most beautiful cursive handwriting and I wanted to have handwriting just like hers. I was obviously showing off.

“Dear Mommom and Poppop, Thank you so very much for the wonderful Communion Gifts. I am so lucky to have you as my grandparents. You will always be special to me. Love, your granddaughter, Rebecca.”

This note has better handwriting, a little crooked, but better. Naturally it was written in gold gel pen because that was the 90’s. It would have been incredibly incomplete without it.

My favorite thank you note, by far, was not actually written by me. It was written by my mom, because, judging by the picasso art, I could not yet write letters. It simply says, “Thank you mommom and poppop. You make me smile. Love, Becca.”

Growing up, my parents encouraged me, no, forced me, to write a thank you note for everything under the sun. Whether it was for plenteous birthday gifts or Christmas presents, or for the gratitude I was oh so overcome with when someone babysat us, helped us out, or took us on a trip. I can guarantee that most of the thank you notes I ever wrote went to my grandparents. Even more so to my Mommom.

My Mommom loved to write, so often we would end up in the endless cycle of notecards and letters. She would send a Valentine card with 2 dollars in it, I’d write a thank you note, signed by either me or both of my sisters. Of course, she’d later respond and hence, the endless cycle. While at the time it always seemed so nettlesome to write thank you note after thank you note, I learned to really appreciate writing and later, receiving thank you notes. It’s always such a joy to find one on my desk, in my mailbox at school or better yet, one in the real mailbox at home with a stamp attached. Yes, actual snail mail, people. I love the joy that comes with writing them as well.

My Mommom used to tell me I got my gift of writing from her. She would also tell me, I got my gift of people skills from her, my perfect penmanship from her and my love for lasagna, wine, traveling, taking pictures and documenting memories all from her. I’m my Grandmother’s granddaughter for sure. I should also mention that I get my bad habit of keeping EVERYTHING from her as well. I keep every note, letter, card ever given to me. I have drawers filled with them. I keep concert tickets, movie ticket stubs, sticky notes on the fridge, everything. That’s how I got a hold of the thank you notes.

When I graduated high school, my Mommom gave me two gifts: a ring that I’ve worn since that day that is inscribed with Mark 10:27 - with God all things are possible; and two very large scrapbooks. The scrapbooks weigh at least ten pounds each and have documented in them every picture I drew, every TY note I wrote, every picture I took, every trip I took, every concert I performed in or went to, everything. Two scrapbooks filled with momentos from my 18 years of life.

When I got them, I laughed, I cried and I ran my hand over every page that had her handiwork on it. She spent months working on this project and she put herself into every page wholeheartedly. I kept them in my bedroom and would open them up every time I did a “deep clean” of my bedroom - at least every few months. Each time I would sit on the floor and go carefully through each one, catching something new I never saw before. Each time, I felt so incredibly blessed not only that my grandmother put all my favorite memories in one place, but also that I had so many memories - happy memories of people, places and events. Truly, that’s what I treasure the most and each time I opened those books, I would thank my God for blessing me so much.

Just recently, I found myself on the bedroom floor browsing through these scrapbooks. This time, it wasn’t a result of a deep clean, although I should probably do that soon. Rather, it’s because I wanted to run my hands over the pages where my Mommom’s fingers delicately placed each picture perfectly. I wanted to touch the pages on which she had left so many traces of love. I wanted to touch her. The words of the song you just heard said it perfectly - it’s what I’ve been feeling so deeply since January 10, 2016 when my Mommom suddenly passed away.

None of us were expecting it - my sister and my dad had seen her the night before, laughed with her, told jokes, ate cookies, drank tea and she was only suffering from what seemed like a small bout of a cold. But the next morning, after I had routinely gone to Mass, gone to the gym and was headed to spend the day with my boyfriend, I got a very confused phone call from my younger sister. Without giving me any details, she told me to re-route and head the Abington Hospital right away - Mommom was in bad shape. Little did I know, even upon arriving at the hospital, that my Mommom had already gone home to God. I couldn’t believe it then and most days, I still can’t believe it. Yes, most days, I’m still waiting for her to come home from her 2 month vacation in Florida she took every Winter.

As I browsed through pictures to make memory boards and listened to numerous songs to help numb the pain, there was only one thing I really wanted. I wanted to hug her, I wanted to walk into her house, wake her up from “resting her eyes on the easy chair” and hear her voice again. As much as I always felt suffocated when she hugged me, I wanted her to grab my face, kiss me a million times and smother me with her arms. I would do anything to be suffocated by her love again. I just want to feel her embrace.

As hard as it’s been mourning my Mommom, my grief has been turned to grace. There have been ups and downs: Laughing at memories or spending hours sobbing because I lost my best friend; hiding my tears or sharing them with friends; feeling the sun shine warm upon my face and feeling empty. But mostly I’ve been reminiscing on how lucky I am to have had my Mommom for almost 24 years. As Justin Beiber would say, “I’m more than grateful for the time we spent, my spirit’s at ease.” I have so much for which to be thankful - the memories, the trips, the selfies, the adventures, the late-night prayers, the phone calls, the dinner dates, the laughter, the jokes, the joys. I’m so thankful that God gave me such a beautiful woman to nourish me, to hold me, to be my advocate when no one else would, to be the lone supporter in the crowd at a concert, to be my biggest cheerleader. I’m so thankful she was always there for me. And if I had the chance to write her one last thank you note, I would say:

“Dear Mommom,

Thank you for the time we spent together. Thank you for all the hugs and kisses. Thank you for all your love. Thank you for every note card. Thank you for passing down your love of music, writing and loving all people. Thank you for always having orange juice in the fridge for when I visit and knowing it’s my favorite. Thank you for always hiding the good candy and saving it for me. Thank you for your gift of humor and still bringing smiles to my face. Thank you for every FB message that may or may not have made sense. Thank you for giving me so many memories to keep you alive with me here and now. Thank you for every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every year I got to spend with you - the most beautiful woman in the world. I am so lucky to have you as my Mommom and you will always be special to me.

Love,

Becca

P.S. I love you. Shine on.”

"Just" Happy To Be Here

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life

 - to be happy -

it's all that matters."

- Audrey Hepburn

    One of the most rewarding things in this world is checking things off a to-do list. Often at work I make multiple to-do lists: people to call, things to put away, emails to send, documents to type, etc. Nothing makes me happier than crossing things off that list, unless, of course, I finally get to the end of the list and can crumple the paper to recycle it. Last week was full of to-do lists in preparation for Freshmen Retreat. At the end of retreat, I took a deep breath, sat in my chair and said, "kudos, kid. Another event under your wing."

     This week provided lots of time for reflection on retreat. Did it go well? What can we change for next year? How much of the same schedule do we keep? etc. Lots and lots of reflection on the retreat. However, those weren't the only things I found myself reflecting upon. One thing in particular was what one student said during a Q&A in the middle of the day. After we asked the students if there was anything they wanted to share with the group, one student raised her hand in the back of the auditorium and said, "I'm just happy to be here." It made me smile and I've been thinking about her comment ever since. 

     I thought about it in regards to the actual retreat. How many students would have volunteered (if only they had that option....) to go on retreat at 8:00 in the morning? Not many, I'm sure. However, they were "getting out of class" and even had free time to be with their friends after the retreat. And yes, there were probably quite a few in the group of 125 who didn't want to be there. But there was one student who was "happy to be here" and that was all I needed to hear. If I only reached one student, that's all I needed; that's all that God was calling me to that day and I was ok with that. But my reflection began to go deeper than that. 

     I thought about what would happen in my own life if I started saying that to things I attended...like meetings or school or even long car rides. What if, regardless of what I was actually feeling, I said, "I'm just happy to be here." Would it make my disposition concerning the event better? Would I be more able to "grin and bear it" for things that I might not really want to attend? Would it be even more transformative and make me actually be able to say, "I am EXCITED for this meeting?" Hmm...maybe not as drastic as that, but maybe, just maybe it would allow me to be more positive about the experiences. 

     As I continued to think about what that one student said, I thought, hmm...what if when I woke up, instead of yelling at the alarm clock or hitting the snooze button, I opened my eyes and said, "You know, I'm just happy to be here." Of course, that's not difficult at the end of the day...getting in bed and saying, "OH I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE." In fact, all the words might not make it out of my mouth before my head hit the pillow and I fell asleep. But if I woke up like that, would my day be better? In order to be able to say that would I have to have a scene straight out of Cinderella or Snow White with the singing birds and the happy sunshine and the singing and the music and the unrealistic morning happiness? Or am I actually able to wake up (maybe after hitting snooze a few times) and say, "I am just happy to be here....happy to be alive." 

    I remember a few years ago making a conscious effort to wake up and express gratitude for another day alive. I do often say, especially on my worst days, "Well...it's a good day because I'm alive another day." I used to reflect so deeply on those first conscious breaths of the morning. How much does God love me that He, yet again, gave me the air in my lungs and another day of life?! But for some reason or another, I stopped with that conscious effort. Perhaps it was because it became too much a part of my routine, I got too busy, I don't know. But it suddenly was brought back to my mind with this one student's comment. 

    My reflection continued as I gave myself a deep look in the mirror the other morning. Usually is almost dark in my room when I get up, but the other day I was blessed to wake up after the sun. This made my room a bit brighter and so I was able to read a message I had written on the mirror way back in high school. It read, "Bec, have you talked to God yet?" I remember someone seeing it years ago and commenting on how funny it sounded. It was as if I needed to set up an appointment with God and hadn't contacted Him yet. But really I had written it as a daily reminder that I need to talk with God every day. I can't just go about my day treating Him like a secretary and asking Him for favors every time I need something. I probably wouldn't have caught the phrase on my mirror if it hadn't been for that one student's comment. 

      So today, I'm sitting here thinking, "Am I happy to be here yet?" It's Friday. Of course I'm happy to be here. But there was something different about my morning. I might chalk it up to having fresh coffee this morning, but I think, honestly, it was because the first thing I said this morning was "Five more minutes....I'm happy to be here today." I felt like I was bouncing into school today. I felt on top of the world today. I felt like I go about my day wishing everyone a VERY HAPPY FRIDAY. So...I have been. I'm happy to be here today. I'm happy to be at work. I'm happy to be with my co-workers. I'm happy to be on this earth. I'm happy that God blessed me with another day of life and breath. God is so good. 

    So maybe tomorrow when you wake up you can say, "I'm just happy to be here." Or maybe right now, think about if you are happy to be here wherever here may be for you. Maybe it might change your Debbie Downer mood to a slightly happier one....maybe just maybe. So try it out...maybe every day can be the best day of your life.

    

Happy Eucharist (That's Not A Typo)

"I got life, I got love, 

I got faith and that's enough. 

We feel sorrow, we feel pain,

But there's sunshine after rain.

So I'm alright (you'll be fine, take it one day at a time)."

- "I'm Alright," Jake Miller

      While I haven't been blogging much at all (this is only the second time this month), I hope you can each take comfort in knowing that it's a direct result of my throwing myself completely and wholly into my student teaching. Yes, my students mean everything to me. I may not have been documenting my every reflection, but by far this semester has been one of the most spiritually uplifting. I have so much to reflect on and to be grateful for. And since we are in the spirit of Thanksgiving (and I have a few days off), I figured I'd share a bit with you.

      Last Sunday at my Parish, I was so blessed to lead the first of many monthly retreats. After having postponed the first one due to many reasons, we were able to finally get together and allow the Spirit to move. I can honestly say, I was so happy and thankful to God for allowing me to use my gifts to allow thirty plus people, moms, dads, grandparents, kids and teens to retreat at my home parish. Between being able to give a thirty minute keynote speech and then sing with my dearhearted friend, Sister Catherine, I was beaming with happiness from the goodness of God. The theme of the retreat? Gratitude.

     I spoke of how happiness is correlated with gratitude. The more thankful one is, the happier. I spoke of a study that proved this and then made our retreatants write down the name of the most influential person in their lives with a list of reasons why they are influential. I told them that "having gratitude but not expressing it is like wrapping a gift but not giving it," (Ward). While we didn't share these out loud, I asked, if given the chance, would they call that person on the phone and thank them, read them the list of reasons why? Many heads shook yes. I shared my own experience of doing this and wondering who I would call and thank. I listed my parents, my friends, my college math professor, my high english teacher. Then I thought alittle more out of the box and thought of calling Peru and Jamaica. Finally, I hit the nail on the head by saying I'd call God. 

     I spoke at length about what I'd say to God if I could catch a direct line to his ear. I spoke about being thankful for all the miracles in my life and especially my students (I love them all so much!). I gave various classroom examples of my students and how much they had changed my life. I spoke about how I thank God even for the hardships in my life. But I spoke about how when I wake up, the first thing I do is thank God for letting me live another day. I get dressed and ready for the day then head to Mass. Eucharist, in our church lingo, actually, literally means "Thanksgiving." Each day, I find myself thanking God for everything under the sun at Mass. It may be a tough day, but I'm still grateful. 

     I urged the retreatants to begin by expressing gratitude for every little thing that happens in their lives. I urged them to thank God for the miracles because once they begin doing that, not only will they be happier, but they will also be able to thank God for all the hardships in their life. For truly, despite hardship and pain, God is good, all the time. Expressing gratitude is not a habit, even though sometimes I thank myself for opening the door for others and for myself, but rather a way of life. One must truly express thanksgiving from the heart each and every time in order to be happy. When people ask me my secret to happiness, I can only say that it's because I am grateful. 

     On Tuesday, it was my last official day in front of the classroom. For the next week, I will resume my wall flower position in the back of the room and watch as my teacher once again regains her students. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I showed them the video I will attach at the bottom of this blog. I told them that being grateful for what they have makes them happier and then I thanked them. Honestly, I'm surprised I didn't cry. On Friday, my last day, I will most likely sob hysterically when I have to leave my students. One of my favorite students hugged me on Tuesday saying it was her official hug goodbye. I hugged her in return and told her I said I still had a week. She said, "I know. But you're the best, Miss G." I smiled. I have been blessed to the nines with them, my dear cherubs, my angels. I love them and today, I am most grateful for them.

      I am so grateful for so much, for I have so much. And I know that from those to whom much is given, much is asked. Jesus, I'm ready to give you all that you ask of me. I know that perhaps my life holds much difficulty and challenge, but I know for sure that my life holds ahead much happiness. There is so much to be grateful for today and that includes the lovely family I will be spending my Thanksgiving with and my friends who will consistently snapchat me all day about their festivities. I am grateful for the heat in my house and the very fact that I will have a Thanksgiving dinner. I am grateful for my little Sisters and my big Sisters, in black, blue and white. I am thankful for all my gifts and I am thankful for the many hugs and heart to hearts I had yesterday with my IHM Sisters at school. I am grateful for the four dollars in my wallet that paid the toll home. I am thankful for the sunshine pouring in my window as I write this. But most importantly, I am grateful for my faith, for without it, I would have nothing. 

      Today, I am happy because I am grateful. I am thankful for all that God has given me and all that He will give me. I am beaming, smiling ear to ear with happiness because today is a great day. Because each day is a great day if I choose to be grateful! And today, every day, I plan to be! Happy Eucharist, everyone. And to all my Jewish friends, especially my boyfriend, Jesus, Happy Hanukkah!