Kiss for the Road - an Open Letter to my Extended Family

"Families are messy. Sometimes the best we can do

is to remind each other that we're related for better and for worse....

and try to keep the maiming and the killing to a minimum."

- Rick Riordan, "Sea of Monsters"

It's not all the cousins, but it's a good amount.

Dear Family, 

All great letters start with "Dear," don't they? The word means "to, hey you read this, and I'm addressing you, so listen up." But it also means "my fondest, beloved, and cherished." In this family, both apply...listen up now, my cherished related family members. 

And so I say, to my dear family members, I've been reflecting our us as a collective whole for a while now. Maybe because the last time we were all together was a sad occasion. Maybe because I love you all too much it hurts some times. Maybe before I think I love being around all of you more than anything in the world. I'm not sure what sparked this desire to write this letter to you, but I think I need to. I think it's time I told you a lot of things. 

I have so many fond memories of us together. I have a picture of me and granddad on my desk at school from the pumpkin patch. Remember how we would all pile into the giant hay-filled trailer and travel a long way to the pumpkin patch? I vaguely remember the tradition happening all the way out near Kennett Square. I vaguely remember the giant whole-in-face scarecrow thing they had there. I'm not sure how many of the cousins got to see it because it closed or we stopped going or something happened. 

I have many fond memories of the tire swing that most of us are way too big for and that one time someone broke an elbow or a pair of glasses or something...okay, it was more than one time. I have fond memories of sledding down the farm hill and thinking it was the best thing in the world. I remember going to cut down our own Christmas trees. I remember all the parties we had for Baptisms, First Communions, Graduations and Birthdays. There was always laughter, pictures, fun times, good food and hours upon hours of conversation or play. My favorite day of the year is the family party around Christmastime. I literally look forward to that all year, more than anyone can understand. 

I love when we sit around the table telling the most hilarious stories of all the brothers and sister growing up. My maternal grandmother never can understand how me and my sisters can say one word and laugh until we're blue in the face. But I'm pretty sure I get that from my dad's side of the family because no one really knows the significance of the Mayonnaise Jar or what the heck pookie means except the brothers and sister. I'm not sure I even want to know. But what I love most about those stories is the laughter that comes from them. Whether you're laughing because you were present or you're laughing because someone else's laughter is just as funny as the story itself. I know, snorting is hilarious, and yes, I'm usually the one snorting. I also love hearing the stories of our grandparents. Like how apparently granddad never let us go when we were younger or always sugared us up before returning us back to our parents. I love the pictures we have of them and somehow it leads me to believe that they loved each other a lot.  I wish I could have known Grandmom because she sounds like the strong, faith-filled woman I can only dream of being. I wish Granddad could have been here longer -  Stewart's Root Beer and Ginger Snaps just aren't the same anymore. I wish I could know if I've made them proud. 

Above all, I love each and everyone of you. The ladies of our family are some of the strongest, most empowering, and most faith-filled women I know. Whenever I need confidence, I look to my aunts - the women who have dealt with my uncles for years, who have raised my favorite people in the world, who give so much passion to their professions, their lifestyles and their families. Each of you are unique and I sometimes like to pretend I have a bit of each of your personality in me. The men of our family have shown me what to look for in my best guy friends and/or a future husband (and.....what not to look for ;)). They have shown me how to protect one's family and provide for one's family. I have seen some of the best dads I've ever met in this family. All this being said, I've seen some great power couples, too. Life goals couples. Yes, I see how husbands make wives laugh and how they frustrate each other at times. I see them get through really tough times and enjoy the blissful moments. I want that one day whether it's with Jesus or it's with a husband. 

To my cousins, the source of my tear-filled laughter. I laugh the hardest with you. I cry the most with you. I dodge the most punches when I'm with you...and I throw the most punches when I'm with you. I hear the most harassment from you about my height, but hey, shorty still loves you. But I also hear the most words of encouragement from you. Whether you're protecting our country, our family name or my dignity, you are there for me and I always feel the safest in your presence. With no one else would I willingly ruin a pair of shoes in the mud, risk a broken limb, run faster than I've ever run, race with my younger cousins on my back, or even sit around a crowded room for hours without any contact to the outside world. You are each my hero in a unique way and I wish you could know the extent of my love for you. The truth is, I don't have the words for it. All I can say is "I love you" each time and hope you know it's true. 

We don't each other often enough. It seems we only see each other now when tears are involved - births, deaths and marriages. And it's a crying shame I don't see you more often. I truthfully long to once again all be crowded in someone's smaller house for now reason other than to eat and be merry. I truthfully long to play cops and robbers, get dirty, and be childishly silly with my cousins again. I'm guilty of being so busy that sometimes I can't breathe but I think I already know what my New Year's Resolution is going to be - the see my family more often. To make it a point to visit with my aunts and uncles and cousins. Because I love you each so much. 

I started this letter with a great quotation - families are messy. We have our own messes, our own flaws, things we know about, things we hide. I have this ideal image of our family and I know each of us carries our own burdens, our own mistakes, our own flaws and so much more. I admit that I am not perfect, I could never even think about being perfect. I know that of my own person, I have my own issues. I love too much, I get my heart broken too easily, I want to save the world. But I also get too angry, I sometimes have yelling matches with God about my life and the world, and I often feel like giving up. There's more but this letter isn't about me. But really, I get it, we all have quirks, flaws and problems. We all have some reason or another to hate on someone else at times. And yeah we have family drama. But all of that doesn't make me love you any less. In fact, I think it makes me love you more because it reminds me I'm not alone. 

The truth is, the reason I wrote this open letter is so that you would know I love you. So I could put into words the reasons why I love you. You make me the best me when I'm with you. You bring out all the things I love about myself. You actually think I'm funny when I tell jokes. You actually listen to my stories whether or not they are good stories. You pray for me. You make me smile. You let me give nice, long, snuggly hugs and you let me hold your hands. You let me laugh until I'm snorting or crying or both. You remind me that I'm loved when I'm being silly and when I'm being a little melancholy, too. You remind me, too, why I'm proud to be a part of this family and to be a Catholic. 

Thank you. Thank you for being there when I need a smile, a laugh or a reminder that I need to be the best me. Thank you for everything, for raising me into the young woman I am today. Thank you for dressing me in my baptismal dress, taking my pictures, letting me be in your weddings, trusting me enough to babysit, be a godmother, letting me run around your houses (still) and so much more. Thank you and thank God we share the same last name. I love you all. 

Sincerely, 

Your niece, daughter, grand-daughter, cousin.

P.S. Here's a KISS for the Road. 

My Weekend With the Methodists - the Woman I Want to Be

"The most beautiful women we have known

are those who have known defeat, known struggle, known loss and have 

found their ways out of the depths. 

These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding

of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep, loving concern. 

Beautiful women do not just happen."

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Photo Courtesy of Joy Morrison

      Many of you who follow my blog know that a huge part of my job is leading and organizing various different retreats. I've had many years of practice and I absolutely love doing this for a living. I mean really, I hit the jackpot with the best job, I think. Each retreat is beautiful in it's own way, despite being the same retreat formula and I receive so many different graces each and every time. While this particular weekend was a bit different, I still received so many graces. So this blog post is a HUGE shout out to my friends, the Methodists. 

     Over the Summer, I help teach at an annual Vacation Bible School at Wilkinson Memorial Methodist Church. The church building is closer than the Catholic church - so close, I can walk. I've been helping out at VBS for years and have made some beautiful friendships with the community there. I look forward to the amount of time I get to see these lovely people every year. This year at VBS, I had two special invitations extended to me - one, would I teach the 1st and 2nd grade class; two - would I be the main speaker at this year's upcoming Women's Retreat. Naturally, I said yes to both. 

    Of course, in August, it seemed like I had months, years, even to prepare for this retreat. The only pressing thing was to come up with a theme for retreat. So, overnight I was inspired - Beauty Amid the World's Brokenness. A week before retreat, I realized I barely had anything planned and so, you can imagine what the week at school was like for me - skitting around trying to pull things together. Finally, by Friday, I felt I was ready. I was nervous as all get out, but I felt ready. I knew once we got started, God was going to give me all the words I could possibly need, all the strength, all the courage; my God would take care of me and of the women present. 

    When we gathered for dinner the first night at the local diner, many people who I did not know kept asking around - who is doing the retreat? All fingers pointed to the "little girl on the corner" (of the table). I smiled. I'm so used to be the youngest in the group, even if only by a few months. Of course, the more I looked around, the more nervous I became. I suddenly felt inhibited by so many factors. But I knew I had to trust the Lord; I was here for a reason. 

    Very late Friday night, we gathered in our gathering room for a quick orientation. I was introduced then by the beautiful woman who initially asked me to speak at retreat. She told the story of how we met and right away told everyone that I was one of two Catholics in the room. I laughed - it's been a running joke since I started volunteering with the group for VBS. So long as we both love the same Jesus Christ, we can pray and sharing our Christianity together. They make me a stronger Catholic in all the good ways. I told the group about myself, what I do for a living, how old I was and through in a few extra jokes about myself. Before I knew it, we were headed back to our cabin for a game of Apples to Apples which had us laughing late into the night. 

      Saturday was the big day for me - three reflection sessions on various aspects of beauty and brokenness. While it was not my intention, many tears were shed at various points of the day and during the activities. Some were meant to be profound, some meant to be fun, others just for the heck of it. We were blessed to be able to share so much in many different ways. All in all, I felt the sessions and activities went really well, especially after I reminded all that as adults, we need to remember to play. It was beautiful. I loved every second. 

      Throughout the weekend, I was blessed to meet so many beautiful women, share so many laughs, be myself, and bask in the glory of the Lord whether it was by gazing at the stars, sitting on the special rock or embracing hugs at any given point. But the most important part of the weekend was not really what I did for the group of beautiful women, but rather what the did for me. They gave me a means to be the woman I want to be always.  

     So often, I find myself caught up in the stress of the days, weeks, months. I find myself being hard on me for not looking a certain way, not acting a certain way, not being able to accomplish my goals in due time. I find myself getting frustrated at circumstance, at myself, at situational events. I know deep inside my heart, is a gentle, joyful, courageous, peaceful, loving young woman. I know that woman exists within me. I find myself inhibited by society's expectation of a good woman - strong, equal to man, and more. Society frowns upon the gentle, subdued, quiet, loving women. I have yet to figure out why and often, I look down up that woman who exists within, too. I'm not a fighter deep down. I am not angry, bitter, narcissistic. I am gentle. 

      The woman I want to be always exists within me, I just do not always tap into that persona. I find myself struggling to be the tough woman when I don't have to be anything other than who I am inside. My last session of retreat focused on being the woman of Proverbs 31 and embodying the image of love from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8. True beauty is the gentleness and emotion of being woman. As I lead that session, I felt myself being God's instrument. I was listening to myself...listening to the words coming from my mouth and feeling them hit my heart hard. I found myself remembering what it was like to laugh without fear of the future, what it is like to be patient and kind, to love sincerely. I found that woman within waking up from a very dormant sleep. 

      On Sunday, many of the women complimented retreat. I could only give glory to my God. But there were other things those women told me - you are so gentle, you are so full of love, you are beautiful, your heart speaks, joyful, inspirational. The most wonderful of all? Your beauty made me feel beautiful. It was not an ego boost, but rather a humbling experience reminding that the woman I want to be exists within me - I must simply let her roar. The beauty of the women I was with in turn made me feel beautiful and truly an instrument of God's love. I am gentle, compassionate, loving, patient, kind and a friend of God. I am the woman I want to be, I always have been and always will be. I cannot thank the women with whom I spent the weekend more. I love you all and I truly hope to see you soon. Keep on carrying the love of retreat with you wherever you go. 

Feeling Popeful and Courageous

"First, those words – “What about you?” – were addressed to a young person, a young woman with high ideals, and they changed her life. They made her think of the immense work that had to be done, and to realize that she was being called to do her part. How many young people in our parishes and schools have the same high ideals, generosity of spirit, and love for Christ and the Church! I ask you: Do we challenge them? Do we make space for them and help them to do their part? To find ways of sharing their enthusiasm and gifts with our communities, above all in works of mercy and concern for others? Do we share our own joy and enthusiasm in serving the Lord?"

- Pope Francis' Address at the Cathedral Basilica of Sts. Peter and Paul, Philadelphia 2015

      This time last week, I was still beaming from my popeful week. I had spent the week doing various activities downtown during the World Meeting of Families, taking the train on various excursions (and running to catch the trains because I can't do SEPTA like a normal Philadelphian), and staking out my plot of fence on the parkway so I could see the Pope not once but twice. The streets were empty of cars, but everywhere there were people. Kind, wonderful, gentle people. Philadelphia had transformed into the City of Brotherly Love and Sisterly Affection. It was fascinating. 

      In school the entire week we were focusing on the words of Pope Francis, accepting Papal Challenges and re-tweeting various Campus Ministry tweets. We only had three class days and so the students' energy was at an all time high. While I wasn't doing Campus Minister things, I was spending time on my own exploring what was offered at night time for the World Meeting of Families. Wednesday Night I found myself at an event called "Club Francis" where the bouncers were the Swiss Guards. Ok, they weren't real Swiss Guards and they actually weren't even bouncers, but hey, they tried. This was a young adult three day event which focused on various different themes and speakers. The night I was there focused on Courage and featured four religious (priests, sisters, and a seminarian). I was awe-inspired, despite the lateness of the event, and very much felt the theme of Courage pouring into my heart. 

      The second night of my Popeful week was spent downtown again but this time at the Cathedral Basilica. We decided to take the train from my hometown to give it a dry run before we utilized it as our main transportation during the Papal Visit. The conductor reminded us that SEPTA was stopping transportation from that station at 10:00 pm for security reasons. The last train out to my hometown would be at 9:57pm. Plenty of time, we thought. We found ourselves helping some precious lost Sisters find the cathedral. We had originally planned to attend a lecture on St. Therese and her parents and also visit with her relics. However, we stopped first at the knotted grotto which was crowded beyond belief. It was so beautiful and amazing to see so many people, families, young and old, praying at the knotted grotto. We walked through peacefully and found ourselves in the Adoration Chapel. Right before 7:30, a Sister walked by and asked if we would like to  stay for a holy hour. Without thinking, I right away said yes for the both of us.
      The Holy Hour began with Sisters of various different communities leading our community in song. So many of the songs were laced with the theme of courage. My eyes filled with tears at the glory of the Lord. Also during Holy Hour we sang the Divine Mercy Chaplet and listened to many reflections on religious life and the family. I knew that we would be missing the talk on St. Therese and her family, but I felt so incredibly called by God to stay for an hour of Adoration. We stayed the whole time and by the time the prayers were over, it was 8:45. It was so beautiful to see so many families and religious praying together. It was a taste of Heaven on earth.
      After going to the Cathedral the catch up with my friend St. Therese (AKA Sister Kim), we walked down the parkway to see how far we could go before security kicked us out. We wound up getting very close to the main altar before having to turn around. As I looked at my watch, I soon realized we only had a few minutes to get to our train. That would have been fine if we both hadn't been super hungry. So it was a scene out of a movie with us running in and out of the wawa and then to the train. Trying every door to the station which had been locked thanks to security and then finally finding an open one that dropped us right off at the platform as the train was pulling into the station. I sat and took a deep breath once we were on the train and then started laughing. It was humorous actually and I loved every moment.
      The next morning, I headed down into the city with my little sister and my dad. We walked around the city, went to Mass at St. John the Evangelist and even saw the body of St. Maria Goretti which was extremely pivotal for my younger sister. We attended Mass and visited the body with Sister Kim. Lizzie, my younger sister, is preparing for Confirmation this year and we've been talking about different saints for her to chose as her patron. For a long time she was considering St. Therese, but after seeing St. Maria Goretti and doing some research, she's now thinking about her, too. We finished our day with getting lunch at Reading Terminal. We decided that it was better if we headed home early so we could get a good night's rest before heading to the Parkway for the Festival of Families the next day.
      That night a number of my friends and I camped out in the backyard and had a pizza and slumber party. The next morning, we were up early, dressed and at the train station by 8:00. We packed a blanket, drinks, lunch and snacks. We were ready to go. We hopped aboard the train and when we got through security, we found a nice grassy plot of ground in front of a fence. If we wanted any shot of seeing the Pope, this was a good spot. We spent the day listening to the concert, meeting all our closest friends on the parkway and eating snacks and lunch. It was a beautiful day. Around 6:00pm, the crowds starting forming closer and closer to the fence. We were so scrunched up against each other, you would have though the Pope was coming...oh wait. During the whole hour of waiting, there was music, prayer, and chanting for the Pope. Finally, the lights and security was coming. Finally, the Pope was on his way. And at a wonderful 35 mph, the Pope went speeding by. Luckily for us, we caught a picture.
       After the prayer service, we headed home and most of my friends went back to their houses for the night. The next morning, we boarded the trains again and this time, waited almost three hours in the security line. But it was worth it. When we finally made our way into the parkway, we found a group of my Nazareth Sisters who invited us to stay with them. We waited hours before Mass to begin. And right before Mass, the Pope went around the parkway again. This time much slower which allowed for a few good pictures but also for me to wave and smile at the Pope. I think he looked right at us. It was amazing.
        The most amazing part of the weekend, for me, however, was the celebration of the Mass on the parkway. Over 800,000 people were gathered there and the reverence was beyond description. You could easily hear a pin drop the entire Mass. There were people gathered on every square foot of the parkway, craning their necks to see the jumbotron or just listening. People sang, people participated in the Mass, the entire parkway knelt at the consecration of the Eucharist. It was beautiful. However, during Mass, the most beautiful moment was watching the priests and deacons process down the parkway with their papal umbrellas. You see, just moments before the Pope was riding down the same street and the crowds were cheering louder than ever. Now, Jesus, the most important person of our faith was in His body on the same path. I looked and felt, "this is my Jesus; He has come to the streets." We received the Eucharist and so many people were able to receive the Blessed Sacrament. The reverence was beautiful.
       Towards the end of Communion, it seemed that the music just ended abruptly or that our sound from our jumbotron was cut off. People kept singing anyway. I had tears streaming down my face at a rapid pace. I could not describe the overwhelming feeling of power and grace that swept over me. It was amazing. I looked around at all the people there, people of every faith and race and nationality. God had brought us all together.
      At the end of the day, it took us only about an hour and a half to get home. Behind us on the train was a baby that had been kissed and blessed by the Pope. I watched his departure via my phone and was asleep in my bed by 8:30. I was exhausted and yet, it was a most amazing experience. Many times I was pinching myself as if to say, is this real? Truly the most Holy Father was among our people in Philadelphia. Truly Philadelphia was a nicer place to be for the past week. Truly so many people were positively affected by his visit. And I was so blessed to be among the crowds. Where two or three are gathered, there He shall be.

Author of Life

"God alone is the author of life. 

We never know when He will call home another angel,

this I am realizing more and more. 

Never forfeit an opportunity to tell your loved ones how special they are."

     It's been almost a month since my last post. My last post was right around the beginning of school and so you can imagine how busy it has been. With new events and service sites, as well as teaching three new classes, day to day life can be overwhelming at times. And yet, I wouldn't trade this grand adventure for anything else right now. Going to a place I love day to day with students who are forever challenging me in all the good ways and giving me more reasons to smile, is a gift I am thankful for everyday. It is a grueling job some days, but the beauty that comes makes it worth it. That being said, I don't have much time for things that aren't really school related. Although every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of something called free time. That's nice. 

     This weekend was one of those glimpses of free time. Of course, some of my favorite people to hang out with aside from my friends, are the nuns...who are my friends...yeah, you get it. This weekend was a particularly NUNLY weekend. With a new Campus Ministry event with the SSJs on Friday, a day helping out in Stone Harbor at the Nun's Beach Surf Contest and a pleasantly random visit to Camilla with my real sister and my Nunny Sister, it was weekend for the record books. It was the first weekend in a while that was almost completely nunny and for this I was grateful. There were many laughs, stories and pleasant memories made. But amid that, I was given the following to reflect upon:

     As I was standing with some of the Sisters on the beach watching the surf, we got news that one of the Sisters suddenly passed away. While I didn't know her very well, I knew how great the shock was for many of the sisters present at the retreat house that day. As the day went on and we shared story after story in her memory, the conversations swirled around making amends, reconciling with God, self and others and saying I love you at every chance. When I left the beach that evening, I had plenty of thoughts to keep me awake for the two hour drive home. I began to think once again about my dear friend, Sister Sandi, who we lost suddenly back in April. I began to think of all the people I hadn't seen in a while but always said, I'll make plans with them soon. I thought of all the Sisters in Camilla who have moved there in recent months and I haven't been able to bring myself to visit there yet. I knew there were some people I just needed to say I love you too before I regretted it. 

       The next morning I spent with my sister with Mass at IU, a lovely visit with Sister George and a visit to Camilla with Sister Cathy. It was obvious that Sr. Rose Anthony's passing was still very fresh in the hearts of the sisters, especially as I shared beautiful conversation with Sister George. We held back tears together because crying in the Immaculata Caf isn't exactly the best place to cry. But when brunch was over, we held hands walking down the hall and I told her that it was one of the things I missed the most about not being at IU anymore. Whenever we would pass each other or bump into each other on the walkways to the convent or to the chapel, we would hold hands or link arms. I'm a hand-holder, what can I say? She always knew that and always let me hold her hand. This time was different though, because as we said good-bye, I squeezed her hand and reminded her that I loved her dearly, that was was very special to me. 

       When Mary and I got to Camilla with Sister Cathy, we found ourselves on a tour of the newest wings. We were laughing and enjoying every moment, because truly, how often does one get the chance to walk up and down the halls waving to the Sisters, greeting them and giving them love? I found myself looking for my sisters who I hadn't visited and feeling better, no longer afraid. They all seemed just as joyful as before. Of course, I was waiting to visit one special sister, hoping I would walk past her room and see her eyes light up when we waved. I kept looking and looking but I didn't see her. Then, up ahead I heard Sister Cathy talking to one of the Sisters. I watched the "young nun" converse with the older Sister about something completely irrelevant. They were talking about going to a party and wearing blue. There was no party to go to, but the Sister didn't know that. As I watched Sister Cathy enter into her world and speak with her, my heart began to break. This was the sister for whom I was looking. I realized so quickly that she would never again recognize me or know who I was. I had to turn away because my eyes were once again filling with tears, tears I knew wouldn't stop if they started.

        We eventually continued our journey through Camilla and there were still a few Sisters I hadn't seen yet but knew I would need to come back. Seeing Sister upstairs was all I needed to remind myself to go visit - I'll be there this Friday.  The rest of our journey, however, filled my head with thoughts and lists of people I needed to tell I loved them. One of them was with me. I know that there is no telling when the author of life will write the end to the earthly chapter and call home another angel. I know that the time we have here is merely seconds compared to heaven. And I know that the people I have in my life now are so incredibly important even if I only have them for a little time. 

      When we pulled back into the driveway at IU, I turned to Sister Cathy, hugged her and said goodbye. But when I got out of the car, I knew I had to go remind her of her importance in my life. So I ran around and very quickly summed up the last few days and the emotions that came with them: the events of the past few days have reminded me that I never know when someone might be taken from this life. I just want to tell you that you're very special to me, you know. I hugged her and had pools of tears in my eyes. I let them go this time feeling quite alright letting her see them. I didn't mean to make anyone else cry, but sometimes tears are good when they are shared. I needed to tell her how special she was and there are a number more people I need to make sure I tell this week. But there is peace in my heart knowing that we parted with good words of friendship. 

       I never know when someone in my life will be called to Heaven but I think it's time I start ending each day on a positive note. I depart each meeting between friends with a hug and words of love and blessing. I can no longer be affected by negative things and I must live life to the fullest. These are the things I have learned before and have learned again. God alone is the author of life and He is the one who has put this on my heart to share. Never take an opportunity for love for granted. Always say I love you, even if the person might not accept it. Do all things out of love and always be merciful and compassionate. Amen. 

Dome is Home #FourMoreYears

"There comes a time in your life when you have to choose

to turn the page, write another book or simply close it."

- Stephen Adler

    I never thought the day would come: moving my younger sister, Mary, into her dorm at Immaculate, my alma mater. No, it's not because I was in denial of her growing up or even that she would want to move away. But rather, it's because Mary always forged her own path and as much as I secretly wanted her so badly to go to IU, I knew she would choose somewhere else. That's when she surprised us all by choosing IU. It's funny because even she never thought she would go there. But God wanted her there and well, let's be real, God gets what God wants. 

    Immaculata was the best four years of my life. I loved high school and I think the real world is kind of rad but IU was different. It was there that I forged down paths of service, discernment, academia, and even relationships. I lived an independent lifestyle and learned so much about myself through all the different opportunities with which I was presented. Sometimes I think, I have no idea who I was before Immaculata and in reality, that's true. IU was where I became someone. It was home, it was comfort, it was sacrifice and sorrow, it was everything I needed in the past four years. And no, it wasn't perfect, but it was what God had in store for me, making it perfect for me despite ups and downs and turn arounds. I loved the school, I still do and probably always will. 

     When it came time for Mary to start her college search, I had all the tips and advice. Apply early. Apply here, here and here, even if you don't want to go there - scholarship money. Don't apply anywhere that requires you to pay unless you really want to go there. Visit every where and ask questions. Go somewhere you feel at home. Naturally she did everything but most of the time, but hey at least she still applied to IU. I remember when I got my acceptance letter - I was overjoyed; the search was over. When she got hers, IU was added to a lengthy list of "places I've been accepted to." Even up until the last minute she was fighting going there. Yet, suddenly, she said, OKAY. I'm going. 

     I remember trying to hide my excitement. I didn't want her to feel like she would be hidden in my shadow. But whenever I would visit I would tell everyone that my sister was going to IU in the Fall. I was so happy, over joyed, that she was going to a place I felt at home. But more importantly, I was PROUD TO SAY THAT MY SISTER, as if she was a big shot, WAS GOING TO IMMACULATA. I thought everyone should know that someone as amazing, far more amazing than I could ever be, was going to Immaculata. I knew she would be the life of a party, do well in school, be known as a friendly gal with a dry sense of humor. She would be the one who will stay up late hours into the night and always be there for people. She would have no qualms about giving her opinion. She was going to forge a louder, stronger path in one year than I did in four years. I was just so proud that she was going there. 

      The night before move-in day, we had a huge argument. I was so upset that I hadn't been able to hang out with her one-on-one in a while, aside from the random target trips. I was going to miss my sister so much more than she even realized. I knew it would be hard for her best friend and our youngest sister, but I wanted some of Mary-time. And I didn't get it. We cried and fought but the next morning, things were back to normal as we packed up my car, piled in and drove the familiar drive to IU. I could do it with my eyes closed (but don't worry officer, I will never do that!) and probably so could she. I can drive from anywhere and get to IU; it's the north of my compass. We naturally picked up wawa on the way and arrived way too early for move in. But at least we were there. 

      Our day was spent moving stuff in and out, decorating, partying with nuns in the dorm and me running around like a chicken without her head. Of course, every where we went, I met someone who I needed to give a hug to and catch up with. Lizzie was fascinated that I knew so many people. Some even asked why I decided to visit on move in day. Naturally, I set them straight. As much as I love IU, it would be crazy to visit on move in day. I explained that my sister was moving in today and everyone was just as ecstatic as I was. They couldn't wait to welcome her in themselves. It's like she was more a celebrity than the president. She has no idea how many people want to know her. 

       When I left that day, I knew that our argument the night before was stupid. I knew that now that Mary was at IU, I would have more one on one Mary-time with her than probably ever before. It's so easy for me to drive up after school one day for dinner or visit on the weekends. She'll probably need someone with a car anyway, to drive her places.  By Sunday, we were sitting next to each other at Mass and dancing, singing (okay that was just me) and laughing at the little things. And yes, we were at Target right after Mass. 

      I hope Mary's IU is like mine, but not just like mine. I hope she forges a new pathway but falls in love with the school just like I did. I hope everyone knows her name from the good that she's done and how smart she is. I hope every professor talks about her behind her back saying that she is great to have in class. I hope she stands on stage so many times and freshmen next year want to be her best friend. I hope all the nuns harass her just like they harassed me and that her work study boss gives her grief every so often. I hope she runs into ups and downs but knows that rotunda launch is only a piece of figurative language. And of course, I hope she somehow gets to go on all the awesome trips I did and more. Maybe even study abroad. No matter what, though, I hope that Dome is Home for her. And that she doesn't mind when I visit...because in essence, it's more like going home for me every time than visiting. 

Pilgrimage (The Catholic Version of a Music Festival) Pt. 1

"If music be the food of love, play on."

- Twelfth Night, Shakespeare

      Most recently there has been plenty of articles about going to music festivals. There's the pre-festival hype, the "how you know you survived (enter name here) music festival," and the post-festival blues. While I've never experienced going to a music festival as huge as Glastonbury or Coachella, I participated in a walking pilgrimage this weekend and based on what Buzzfeed has to say, they are basically the same thing. Only a pilgrimage has way home to offer. 

     While I couldn't participate in the entire 3/4 day walking pilgrimage, I was blessed enough to participate in the last day during which I walked just about ten miles. The group with whom I walked started at St. Adalbert's Parish in Port Richmond and walked for three days to the National Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa in Doylestown. That's a lot of miles and a lot of walking. People of all ages partook in the pilgrimage from various different places. Overall, there were about 3000 people at the closing mass. The youngest pilgrim was only a few months old and the oldest was 79 years old. There were families, single people, children, babies, and older people. There were people who spoke only Polish and people like me, who didn't understand a single word. Oh, I forgot to mention that 99% of the pilgrimage was in Polish. So, needless to say, that was an interesting part of my journey. 

      As we walked, we prayed, we listened to faith witnesses, we sang, we danced, we praised the Lord. We made friends, sisters and brothers. Despite not being able to speak the main language of the weekend, I was able to connect with so many people. I was surrounded in so much faith and felt closer to those with whom I walked and prayed. I experienced God in a brand new way and it was beautiful. The faith sharing, the pain from walking so far, the getting to know people on a faith level, was beautiful. 

      We made it to the shrine about 12:15pm and we were to celebrate Mass together at 2:00pm. As we were waiting for Mass to begin, we watched the church get filled and packed like sardines. People were every where, even on the altar. I felt that despite never having experienced something to this capacity, I felt like I knew all about it; like I had read about it some where. Then I saw a few girls walk into the church with those weird flower headband things people wear. That's when I realized, I had read all about something similar this pilgrimage. Music festivals are all the rage and the similarities are insane. Here's what I discovered: 

1. Pilgrimages are filled with music, clapping, and dancing. Just like music festivals (duh). People walk with their guitars and play it at the most random times. All the cool kids have one. There's also drums, violins, flutes; you name it, it's there. People just join your walking group with instruments and play right along with whoever is there. Even when you aren't walking and you're sitting for a break, there's music being played somewhere. If someone can't play an instrument or didn't bring one, there's always a voice to be heard. People who can sing, sing and people who can't sing, sing. There's lots of clapping, dancing, and laughing. The only difference between music at a pilgrimage and music at a music festival? We sing hymns instead of pop culture music. 

2. Showering is few and far between. Basically you shower the morning of the pilgrimage, then walk all day only to sleep on a Church hall floor. There's no showers. The next day, same thing. Walk all day, stop at the Church, no showers. Three days of this. If it rains, you're going to get dirty. To keep packing light, you bring maybe two sets of clothes. You're going to smell. You're going to get sweaty. You're going to have terribly stinky feet. Your hair will be knotty, greasy, icky. You're children will be even dirtier because somehow kids always manage to get dirtier when they do the same activities as parents. You're going to have to get comfortable with the fact that everyone stinks after three days. And don't even think about apologizing for your stench. I repeat, everyone stinks. 

*according to my sources pilgrims do shower. I rest my case, however, because there were no showers in the church hall. They get water...somehow!*

3. You're going to get very close with people. At music festivals one typically pitches a tent in a field of tents. You get to know your neighbors pretty quickly because if not, you'll forget where your tent is. On a larger scale, pilgrimages do encourage you to pack a tent or a hammock. The truth is on a walking pilgrimage, one is never really sure where he or she will be sleeping. In this case, people were camped out on church hall floors. EVERYONE WAS IN ONE ROOM. That's right, babies, kids, parents, single people, everyone. Imagine getting some sleep after a very long day of walking. By day three, you're bound to be exhausted. 

4. You make friends in the most unique ways. In many cases, music festivals bring together people from every language and culture. Pilgrimages, too. Now while this pilgrimage was mostly a Polish pilgrimage, there were still people of many different cultures represented. People say the universal language is love. Most times I agree. But this weekend, there were two universal languages: coffee and God. And since God is love, well I guess the universal language was LOVE. Truth is. It doesn't matter, it didn't matter what language I spoke. People were grabbing my hands, dancing, singing and talking with me whether I understood them or not. You learn how to communicate despite a language barrier (I had a personal translator though which was fun. Thanks, Sister!). The people you walk with are suddenly your sisters and brothers. They hug you, kiss you, make you dance and sing and feel like a complete fool for Jesus. It's amazing. 

5. You are forever changed. A pilgrimage changes you. Whether you walked because you wanted to, someone invited you, or you were basically fighting the Lord and someone dragged you along, you will be changed. You will not be able to recognize your feet after a few days. I kid you not. Your feet will probably be covered in bandages, gold bond and have a number of blisters. You will have terrible tan lines, too. Especially if you're a nun. Talk about only have tan wrists, ankles and ears (but only half way). Your feet, face and hands will be so physically changed. But don't worry, it's only temporary. Your heart will change, too. You will feel a peace, joy and excitement like never before. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a group of people singing, dancing and chanting praise to the Lord. At music festivals you experience the praise and worship of various different rockstars. At pilgrimage, you experience the praise and worship of the ultimate rockstars: Jesus and Mary. Your heart will unknowingly be changed by the sacrifices, the witnesses, the homilies, the sacraments. Your soul will become closer to Jesus and there's no question about it. You will feel this indescribable joy rising in your soul with every drum beat, every clap, every footstep. It feels like a thousand drum beats rising in your soul. It's amazing. 

And finally...

6. You will experience a post-pilgrimage depression. The whole time you are walking, you are walking on public streets and pathways. People driving or walking by will think you are crazy. Yet, as you are walking, you wave and think about those crazy people who do not yet know the truth of the Lord's goodness. Why aren't they joining us? you think. And just when you think that, people run and join the back of the pilgrimage. Your whole life for however many days was simply music, joy, peace, prayer, love behind all description. When you leave, reality hits you hard. You must learn to communicate in a normal way. You will experience a reverse culture shock when you go home. Living your day to day life for Jesus will be difficult again because you are no longer surrounded by people who sing and dance and pray. And as much as you might like to do that all the time, basic reality says, not exactly. However, there are plenty of ways to infiltrate your pilgrimage experience in your every day life. I promise; life after pilgrimage exists. 

     Pilgrimages aren't exactly like Musical Festivals, but the sentiments that people feel when they go to one are similar. I encourage each Catholic young person, child and old person alike to do a pilgrimage. Whether it's a day, three days, two weeks, whatever, do it. Music Festivals are great but here at pilgrimage, there is God. Jesus is present, He permeates this place. He lives and breathes and is so real. You can feel the arms of our loving Mother around you in every hug and embrace. You experience beauty in a whole different way. It's amazing. 

     Of course, the truth is that whether you experience a walking pilgrimage like I did or not, you are a pilgrim. We are pilgrims on a journey from the day of our Baptism. Our life is a journey in finding, loving and living in relationship with Jesus. Our walk from our pews to the altar during Holy Communion is a pilgrimage. It is a reminder that as we live and breathe we are journeying with Jesus.  So journey. Get those good shoes (sandals and socks) on and begin living out your journey for Jesus. You're on the journey, just out your heart in it. Trust me, my sister or brother, pilgrimage is an experience like no other. 

Freedom in God's Will

"Being free is not being able to do whatever you want.
Being free is surrendering to God's will."
- unknown

     I've been riding an emotional roller coast this past week. There isn't much detail I can go into, but my weeks have been filled with lots of time for reflection, prayer, Eucharist and visits with my Sisters. Between running back to school this week to going for walks to teaching a class of first and second graders at VBS, there may seem to be little time for reflection. However, God finds His way in my heart in every little second. God knows my heart and God speaks to me there. 

     My biggest reflection this past week has been on freedom. As Americans, we so often proclaim the word, Freedom. Freedom in so many things and while I could beg to differ that these past two weeks have offered arguments about freedom in the media, I'm not even going to talk about those things. What I would like to offer is a different definition of freedom, one that doesn't include specific rights or abilities to do something. Some may say that freedom is the ability to do whatever we want. On the contrary, freedom is abiding by certain laws. 

     One of my many good conversations this week was about the ten commandments. Many people, even Christians, feel that following the ten commandments is restrictive. Why do we have to follow these ten rules or guidelines? Some people fail to remember that other faith beliefs have many more rules and guidelines; many more than ten. In this conversation, we brought up specific driving rules of the road. When you're driving instructor, whether it's your mom, dad, older sibling, or actual driving teacher, shows you how to drive, some of the number one rules are: stop for three seconds at the stop sign and look right, left and right again, and always stop at a red light. Yes, there are times when people fly through the stop signs and even red lights. But some times when they break the rules, they either get caught by the red light cameras or cause an accident. The rules of the road are meant to protect your car, the driver and the passengers. They exist to avoid accidents and awful patterns of traffic. Sometimes, I find myself in intersections without lights saying, I wish there was a light here. These rules of the road are important and must be followed for everyone's safety.

       The rules and laws of the ten commandments are meant to do the same. They exist to give guidelines on how to positively live life with no incidents. Think about some of them: honor your father and mother, do not covet your neighbors' goods, do not kill, etc. When these commandments aren't followed, someone usually gets hurt whether emotionally, physically or even mentally. Kids who don't listen to their parents usually get hurt in some way. For example, when parents say don't jump off the pool ladder and the child does. The child can get seriously hurt. Stealing usually puts people in jail. As does murdering people. These are basic levels of following the commandments but you can see that even on the top layer, it can end badly. His commandments are meant to protect us. 

      The ten commandments are just meant to protect us, however, they exist to free us. In His laws we are free. We are free from so much more than we can even imagine. Freedom, I offer, is found in following His will. In the past year I have been a witness and a participant in the world. I have been a worldly woman, working a job, enjoying things of the world. I have made time for prayer, but not nearly as much as my heart desired. I have spent time out with friends, bought more dresses than I honestly need, and ate out more than I care to even admit. All of these things are good, but in moderation. However, our world doesn't preach moderation. I experienced that in the past year and I can tell you that my "worldly living" while not extreme as most of the world, definitely was a barrier to my relationship with God. I ran from Him at times, making excuses for one thing or the other. I maintained a minimal relationship with Him. I prayed when it was convenient and went to Mass every Sunday but didn't give myself fully over to the Sacrament. In all these moments of living the life of a worldly defined "successful first year in the real world," I felt restless. I felt bound to something and less free. 

      At times I would catch glimpses of freedom and experience and indescribable peace, peace the world cannot give. In these moments, I was with my Sisters or praying on retreat with my students or allowing myself to be alone in nature. Freedom was in prayer and giving myself over to the will of God. At times I felt I was running away from what He was calling me to and when I finally entertained the thought, I felt peaceful. It began to occur to me that no matter what the Lord was calling me and how restrictive it may appear to the world, I was actually experiencing freedom. When I stopped fighting God's will for me, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt so incredibly free and peaceful. 

     God's Will for us is designed with us in mind. He knows the deepest desires of our heart but He also wants the best for us. He gives us free will to accept His will or not but we must no that we avoid or run from His will, we are missing out on such a huge freedom and peace. I've experienced that peace. I know that it's harder to fight the will of God than to accept it. I have felt the restlessness that comes from fighting day and night, fleeing from the Lord (or trying to at least). But God knew that I would come back and He was ready to offer me peace the world cannot give. The freedom, the biggest freedom we can experience, in His Will, His power, His name.