Please Excuse the English Major in Me While I Fascinate You With Some Literature :)

"Be grateful to God for testing you, as He did with all our ancestors." - Judith 8

"There is nothing I hate more than a man who is not serious about meals." - The Importance of Being Earnest

"I will die for you if you promise to love me in return." - Ancrene Riwle

     If I haven't said it before, I'm an English/Education major. Which means a few things: I love to diagram sentences for fun, I love GRAMMAR, I love Poetry Analysis and I LOVE ALL TYPES OF LITERATURE! However, I am also a Theology minor. Which means a few things: I love Jesus, I love apologetics, I love Scripture and I LOVE THE LITERATURE IN THE CHURCH (e.g. The Bible, The CCC, the Book of Canon Law, the encyclicals...). Put all of my studies together and you get one giant book nerd who happens to relate everything back to Catholicism in some way; or my discernment. 

     So here's the deal: Last week was rough. If you read my last blog post, you know. And I'll be honest that really until this morning at morning prayer (which I literally had to drag myself out of bed for, mind you), I was still mulling over my hardships of last week. Then, we had a reading from Judith in our morning prayer book. The very first line? The first quotation I gave you. Yep, imagine who starting laughing right away. Me. Hearing those words really gave me the extra umph I needed today and now, because of it, I feel I can write!

     In the past week in classes, we have covered many, many, many different types of literature. Granted, that's expected because all but two of my six classes are literature courses. YAYAYAY! Anyway, the past week's assignments were as follows: READ The Importance of Being Earnest, Ancrene Riwl, and The Chocolate War. If you've read any of those, you'll feed right in. If not, hold on for the ride of your life. The first is a play written in the Victorian Era, (1895), by Oscar Wilde. If you know me, you've come to realize that I simply adore sarcastic and satirical writing. Earnest fills that right away by using a play on words. It was a joy and a hoot to read. But now HOW on earth does this relate to my life now? In the play, food plays a huge part. Read above, again, the second quotation. I agreed right away when that line was spoken. 

     I've always mentioned that my favorite way to discern is over a good meal. I really believe that in preparing, eating and cleaning up after a good meal, one's guard truly comes down and people become more vulnerable and honest than in any other situation aside from sleep deprivation. You could blame my love for food on being Italian or being a Naz Acad Grad, but really it's a necessity of life and we all must depend on it. It's a normal human function, and great conversation comes out over a good meal. Therefore I totally concur that every one must take their meals seriously!!

    The third quotation I give you is from Ancrene Riwl which is actually a rule book, based on the Beneditine Rule, for Anchoresses (aka people like Julian of Norwich who practiced solitary, contemplative life). We read it in my English Literature to 1500's class as part of "Old English Literature" You might be thinking, "What is so great about a RULE BOOK?" Well, within the book there is a parable of the Christ-Knight figure. In the story, there is a young maiden after whom the Knight is pining. He attempts, without end, to gain her interest and love but she repeatedly refuses his love. Taking drastic measures the knight tells her He would die for her if she promised to love him. She agrees and he dies. Sound familiar? HELLO Crucifixion story!!! It was the single most romantic parable of Christ I had ever read. Granted, I've written some short stories about Christ in a modern light, as the great romancer, but truth is most people don't see Him that way. I do, partly because WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT A PRINCE WHO WOULD DIE FOR HER? The ultimate sacrifice, people, the fullest example of SELFLESS LOVE! Yeah, Jesus is pretty romantic. So, you can see how I easily fell in love with the story. It's sooooooooo good!

    Finally, The Chocolate War, for my Young Adult literature. Maybe you have read it? Maybe you liked it? Maybe you hated it? To each her own. So real quick, let's see. It's about a candy fundraiser in a private, all boy, catholic academy that is run by brothers, and everything goes haywire. It vaguely reminded me of the Magazine drive at my high school, the private, all girl, catholic academy run by the sisters. Like oh my gosh, did it sound familiar. However, we never got as nasty as the characters do in the book. But they're boys. The ironic thing was, I actually liked it. Even though I completely disagreed with every the book offered morally. And there wasn't a happy ending. I guess that's life. Regardless, it was a good book. Not something I would give my students to read, but still a good book.

     And so, there's my English lessons of the day put into a nutshell for you!! If you haven't read the books, read them. Let me know what you think. And then, I challenge you to find God or Jesus or Mary or some form of Catholicism in any book you read. Using Spiritual Reading books is cheating. Find a regular novel, one that wouldn't be associated with Religion and find God in it. I can promise you, He's there. And if reading isn't your thing. Try it with music. Yes, I've found God in Linkin Park and Eminem. Shocking, but true. Enjoy the challenge!

Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes...A Story About Doubt

"Even the best fall down sometimes. 

Even the wrong word seems to rhyme. 

Out of the doubt that fills my mind, 

I somehow find, You and I collide."

- Howie Day, Collide

    Let's be frank, here (notice I didn't say Frank, because I prefer Becca to any other name for myself.): The blog description says this: A blog about the ups and downs of taking the road less traveled by, etc. Today, I'm turning a "down" into an up. 

    We all suffer doubts at some points in our life. Whether you're doubting your college major in your senior year,  or doubting whether or not you really like your significant other, or doubting that the pizza you had for lunch was actually good for you or even doubting your confidence on a test you studied eight straight hours for. Or maybe it's deeper doubt, like doubting your profession/occupation in life, or doubting that your role in a single person's life, or doubting God. They say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." And for me this Doubt, this Doubt is, "What if all I thought was right for me, was really just an inlet for others to find God and their vocations, and really God hasn't revealed any of His REAL plan for me."

    I began to think, what REALLY drags me to Mass every morning? Was it pure love of the Lord or fear to stray from the routine? When I find myself sitting before the Lord a few minutes before Mass saying, "JC, I've got nothing. Absolutely nothing," that scares me. It makes me want to cry because I don't know what to hold onto. It's as if the string of hope is a mere sewing thread. I feel like I'm holding onto the ledge, dangling over the Grande Canyon, by my fingertips, getting ready to let go. I feel like all I've ever thought was God's plan for me, the religious life, might not be truly His plan. 

    And then I think, after I post a questioning status that all the nuns hop on like it's the newest trending hashtag on Twitter, what about Mother Teresa who spent all those years in a Spiritual Desert? What about all those saints who felt like God was silent? They became SAINTS! I'm not saying I'm going to become a saint, but that all these HOLY MEN AND WOMEN felt like God was silent, too. They doubted. They felt like giving up. I needed someone to be God's voice to me and right away, those voices of God came. 

    It's like the sisters know (now, without having to even see my face) that I'm dealing with doubt and need some help. For the first time this week, I went to morning Mass instead of Noon Mass, and my piano nun chose "The Lord is my Hope" for the entrance hymn. Right away, it was like a mass text went out to tell everyone that Becca needed prayers and encouragement. Actually, truth is, a text did go out to those cell phone savvy but not Facebook savvy sisters around me at school that I needed prayers. I quickly found that the majority of the sisters on campus and at the Motherhouse knew of my ailment and began to storm Heaven, for they, themselves, knew the power of Doubt and how much it hurts. Before I could cry another tear, I was getting spiritual direction via text messages and Facebook chats. And even at Mass yesterday morning, the kind smile from a sister and another sister taking the seat next to me, reminded me that God is not silent; I just wasn't listening. 

    While I may still be in a period of doubt, it has lessened greatly due to the voices of God who helped me out. And I've come to realize that this "uncertainty" of sorts is a normal feeling for anyone but especially for young people discerning this call to religious life. And so say a prayer for all those who may be going through enormous amounts of doubt in their vocation. If you've been there before, you know how much those prayers can help! And here's to making the down an up!

I Survived Death Roe...Bea's Pro-Life Story

   If you were born after January 22, 1973, you have done an incredible feat. You have survived DEATH ROE! Most people have commonly heard the term Roe V. Wade and they know what it stands for. It was the event that LEGALIZED abortions in the US (oh what HORROR!!!) But most people don't know that, "Roe," Norma L. McCorvey, the woman for whom the bill was passed is now Pro-Life, regrets her decision to abort her unborn baby and now speaks all over the US. Maybe you've heard of Gianna Jessen, the woman who survived a saline solution abortion in the 7th month of her mother's pregnancy. And how about, Lila Rose, the college student who sneaks into Abortion Clinics and exposes cases of abuse. She is the founder of Live Action, her pro-life movement. These are all among the most well known, pro-life names. And yet, while all are such inspirations to me, there's one woman who tops it all: Beatrice Gutherman. Yep, my grandmother. 

    Mother of eleven children, she was the epitome of CATHOLIC FAMILY during her time. She was a stay-at-home mother who was involved in both the school of her children and the family Parish. Among all the things she did, her biggest fight was the fight for the right for life. Rumor has it, she was arrested twice and yet, never convicted for being a passive protester outside of Planned Parenthood. Rumor also has it that she told every young woman entering the Planned Parenthood that she would adopt her baby if she went through with the pregnancy. In the end, Bea never had to adopt any other children because those women, touched by her prayers and sincerity, always went through with their pregnancies and kept their babies. Rumor also has it that her Pro-life legacy lives on. Ok, so the first two are really true facts given to me by my Daddy and the last one, that's true, too, because I carry on her legacy. 

      I never knew Bea, but whenever I'm getting ready to fight for the right to life, I beg her intercession. Whenever I'm praying outside Planned Parenthood or Marching for Life, like I did Monday, I feel her presence with me. There's so much of my grandmother I wish I knew and yet, I've heard so many stories that I feel like she's my best friend. When I finally decided to discern the religious life, Bea was the one I wanted to talk to; no one else. I wanted Bea's opinion on it and I wanted her to be proud of me. From what my uncles' say, she'd be more than proud of me. I wanted Bea to hold my hand during Mass, or come visit me at school, or drive me to retreat, or pray with me, or even just sit and chat. Heck, I'd do anything if I could just get a hug from Bea and maybe it's asking too much, but a kiss on the cheek would be pretty great, too. There is SO MUCH I wish to have had from Bea, because I know I am her grandchild, her legacy and her pride and joy. And on nights like tonight, when my world seems to be crashing down, and I am doubting everything, I wish I could call Bea up and talk to her, have her pray for and with me, and maybe she'd visit me tomorrow if she could...if she was here. Maybe she'd make me skip classes and walk with me all day and let me cry with her arms wrapped around me. And while I may never know what Bea would have said to me about my discernment or my fights for the Catholic Church, I still feel her peaceful presence with me. And while I never knew her in this life, her life lives on through me and my legacy that I will leave on this earth. And in the long run, SHE is the very reason I am a Death Roe survivor. My Pro-Life story is her Pro-Life story and her legacy is my legacy. 

Toughin' and Roughin' It Like the Real Nuns...the Snow Story

       I love snow. I love the way it smells, I love the way the sky never gets dark after a snowfall, I love how you can never tell how late it really is outside, I love how everyone stays inside when it snows and I love simply laying in the snow! When I was a kid it took forever to get me back inside the house. I would layer up and be outside long before any of the other kids. I would build forts, snow men, go sledding. You name it, I did it. I just love snow. 

        And the truth is, I love summer, too. But most times I'd rather it be colder outside. You can always put more on than you can take off, I like to say. But most times, I don't wear too many layers in the snow anyway. The cold simply doesn't bother me. And so yesterday, when I found out it had snowed, I mentally prepared my outside for the snow. A pair of leggings and jeans with a heavy sweater and a coat. Shoes? Flats. I headed out of the dorm building fifteen minutes before Mass started and was met by the group of Sisters from the college driving over to the Motherhouse. Before I could object to a ride, they threw me in the back seat, and sped away. Ok actually, the gently asked me if I wanted a ride...if I helped clear off the car. Ok. No big deal. Sure. So we drove over. No one thought about my lack of layered outfit until I left the building after Mass. I walked right into a group of the sisters who were coming from a nearby Parish and I just happened to know them pretty well. First thing they said, "Aren't your feet cold?" Without missing a beat, I replied, "I'm just toughin' it out like the real nuns." We all laughed as they looked at their shoes; no better than my own. And then Sister said, "You're right, Bec, just like Theresa Maxis in Michigan. Right through the snow to the little log cabin." Yep, just like their foundress, I trudged through the snow back to my little dorm building.

      Now mind you, the snow fun hadn't ended there. Later that night (and I mean later...like 9:30PM) my best friend and I took his sleds out to the Motherhouse hills and went sledding. For a good hour and a half, we played like little kids in the snow. It was perfect!! 

Oh, and I couldn't help but post the picture of all the nuns' coats and boots lined up in the hallway; way too precious!

I'm Only Human...A Story About Celibacy

     I wonder if any of you has ever heard the term Father or Sister "WhatAWaste"? It's name most commonly given to those particular people who are beautiful both inside and outside. What past generations might coin, "a looker," "a beauty," "a knockout," or even, "a lulu" (never heard that one before), and my generation might call, "a hottie." And yet, why the whatawaste? Well, because they are so beautiful. In our heads we dream up reasons why that sister or father entered religious life and talk about the HUGE amount of hearts he or she probably broke by entering religious life. And then we catch ourselves realizing how they ARE perfectly who they are meant to be.
      When I walked into Mass Friday morning, I could tell the air was different. First thing I noticed: our regular chaplain was no where to be seen. Second thing I noticed: no one seemed to be bothered by it. Clearly I had missed something. Anyway, morning prayer had started and still no priest. Then randomly, through the door came Father "WhatAWaste." I'm confessing my humanity here.
       He is my favorite priest who says Mass occasionally on campus. I don't know his name or where he is from but he's young. Maybe only ten years my senior. Probably less. And his homilies; so perfect. I can honestly say why they wouldn't put him on a college campus more often! And let me honestly, I was probably not the only one condemning him Father "WhatAWaste."
      And as all of this was going through my head, JC decided to put the joke on me. Yep, the cute priest WOULD start his homily by talking about celibacy and how it's not the hardest part of being a religious, how he doesn't even have time to think about it. Let me honestly say, the whole chapel full of us swooning women, for we are only human, giggled at that notion. Oh, sure. But then, I thought about it. Neither do I. I don't even have time to think about celibacy. Of course, when the random good looker walks by, I'll acknowledge his God-gifted gorgeous-ness. But the truth is, that's it. Oh hi, you're cute. Nice to meet you; I'm training to be a nun. Ok, well not really. But you get the point.
      Father went on to talk about how to hardest parts of religious life are more the relationships we build within the community. It's hard when you build such good relationships and then get uprooted from your ministry and moved. He also said that there is always at least one person with whom you won't get along. With this, I concur. Even in discerning, I can witness a bit of the hardest parts of this life. I can't honestly say I've seen it all, I probably never will.  There are tons of fears I have, as any one sister or priest or brother or nun may, but it's in the handing over of those fears to God that we find out our dependence on Him and not ourselves.
     And so, my lesson for the day is this: God called me out on one of my biggest fears by sending me father "whatawaste" and healed that fear in the process. Yep, He's as real to me as my best friend and He can give me the greatest guidance when I sincerely need it the most.

NEED SOME HELP...FAQ

Ok, so real quick everyone. I need your help! I'm looking to help a sister out, so help a sister help a sister out! She's looking for some frequently asked questions people frequently ask sisters. Examples being: what do you as a sister/nun? What is the charism of the community? What do the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience mean? etc. etc. etc. So, ask away, my friends. LEAVE COMMENTS. And I'll be sure to pass them on so you can get your answers!! Thanks!!!

Coffee, Monks, Books and Sashays...A Story About Grace

           Word on the homefront has been...quiet, si. But not because I have nothing to say. When do I ever have NOTHING to say? Even in my sleep, I talk (awkward). Truth is, I've been monking, reading and sashaying this past week and achieving much grace because it. How? Keep reading.
           When you work for Campus Ministry, you can almost always assume (alliteration!) that you will, in some way, be roped into everything Campus Ministry does or guilt-tripped for it afterward. And so, I was a student leader for our Annual Freshmen Retreat. Having gone on the retreat last year, I knew exactly what was supposed to happen...so I thought. After finally agreeing to leading it, my three friends and I, questioned what on earth we had gotten ourselves into. It was a hectic three days before the retreat actually took place with multiple shopping runs, binder making, speech writing and so much more. By Friday afternoon, I was just about ready to quit, I was so stressed. But then, two of my best guy friends pulled in the Coffee Shop, made me get out and get a coffee. The moment the warm, fuzzy elixir rolled into my stomach, things started looking up. PRAISE GOD. Coffee can seriously do wonders. As soon as the coffee was in my system, I was ready. I was ready of a weekend of renewal.
             What always surprises me is not how much the leaders affect the retreatants but vice versa. My small group was absolutely amazingly inspiring. These students made things so real for me. And not only that, it was amazing listening to my peers as they gave their speeches. As best friends as we are, we all hold secrets and those secrets tend to come out when you bring down those walls. Needless to say, I know my friends a lot better now. And then there's our group leader, my work study nun. The nun who became more real to me on this trip than any other. She stole our s'mores right out of our hands like our crazy aunt, she tickled our feet like our loving mother, she uplifted us like our favorite teacher and made beds with us like the perfect nun would. Can you guess which one of the leaders she made the beds with? Yep, OCD me. Being on this retreat, at the quiet abbey, waking up the steady tolling of the Lauds bells, opened my eyes more than any experience so far this year.
               Ok, so retreat was excuse number one. Now for number two. Classes started this week. Can I tell you that I'm taking SEVEN classes and FIVE of them are on Monday. And since all but two are English courses, I've had book upon book upon book piled on top of me! So far, I'm going to be reading four books a week. So...I've been reading and doing homework.
              And finally, the Sashay's. I just came from my Phys. Ed class where we learned to Cuban Cha Cha and Sashay. Truth is, I was a bit disappointed because my best friend was supposed to be my dance partner and the teacher told us, we weren't doing dance partners...but I loved it. Tons of hip moving, cha-cha-ing and sashaying.
              But how does grace play into this? After my Young Adult Literature course, the sister who teaches it (and my FAVORITE English Nun), stopped me after class. She knew that I would be going to the March for Life and since I had her Spring Semester 2011, she said, "You're doing it to me again, Becky." "Yeah, sorry, Sister." To which she replied, "But really, good for you. Good luck!" As we walked out of the classroom, she asked about how break went and surprisingly asked if things were good with my soul. It was surprising because, she's not the type to rope religion into a regular conversation NOR does she know too much about me. Yet, she read me like a book. Things every so often, do get rough. Those are the cons of the life I lead. Sometimes, we all get lonely, sad, or gain the feeling of the desert. I never once mentioned the desert storm of my soul last semester to sister or to anyone really, but she knew. She read right through me. And she left me with this: "Grace will come, Becky. That I can promise. I don't know when it will come, but it will. It will come when you least expect it and most need it."
              Later that night, I auditioned for her children's theater drama production of Charlotte's Web. As a new member of Cue and Curtain, I should have had to perform a monologue, but I didn't. She just smiled, thanked me for my note and put me on the stage. There is something about her, that as intimidating as she can be as a teacher with her grades, puts me in awe of her. It's like from afar she watches me to make sure I'm doing alright. She doesn't mention anything to me unless we are caught in a situation with the two of us, which is rare. Yet, some how, she always has that wink in her smile when she sees me. As if maybe she's an angel in disguise and is watching over me. Or maybe...maybe it's just GRACE!

Dome Means Home ... VOCATION-NESS!

      As many of you have been reading, it's Vocations Awareness Week. And you also probably know that I didn't blog yesterday or Tuesday. Oh the pains of forgetting your computer charger at home! Oops! Anyway, it has been a lovely TWO days without my computer. Seriously, I suggest a break up between you and your computer for a little bit. And maybe your cell phone, too. Breaking up, or rather, giving each other some space REALLY MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP BETTER! It was the best thing that happened to all my friends. For two nights in a row, our computers were still packed away and we literally spent five hours together, cooking, eating, talking and laughing! Not only was it super to have the WHOLE GANG BACK TOGETHER, but also to be completely with each other. Anyway, so let me sum up my past two days with you because they were perfectly filled with vocation-ness. 

    On my last day home, I made a vow to not go visiting people. I decided that it often gets me too stressed out because of the time restraints I have for getting back to school on time. That all changed when I had to pop over to my High School. I was planning to sneak in and sneak out. But apparently, once Becca Gutherman is in the building, EVERY ONE KNOWS! I had to go visit on of the guidance counselors who at one point was my guidance counselor, too. We had grown extremely close and I even babysit her son at times! When I found her silently awaiting for the end of the exam (she was on HALL DUTY), she immediately struck up conversation. The first thing we talked about: how are things with the nuns? You know most people get asked how their boyfriend is, but I get the nuns. I love it! As we talked she started to tell me that multiple girls have opened up to her about considering it. They come in and ask if she remembers me and, of course, she says YES! Then they say they love how I've always been open and very real about my vocation: the good stuff and the bad stuff. She told me that because of my openness, more people are considering it and talking about it! I was so happy that GOD HAD REACHED THOSE GIRLS AND THEY WERE ANSWERING. So, let's keep praying for them :)

     I shortly after ran into a few of the sisters, gave my hugs, said my goodbyes and headed out. I felt like I was free-falling of happiness and freedom. I wasn't stressed out, I was free. As I drove, I opened the windows and literally sang at the top of my lungs to every Christian song that came on the radio. I laughed as I thought of being that crazy, young nun who blasts the Christian radio station on her way to after school community service projects with my students. "Sh, girls. Just don't tell my Superior!" Everyone has a slightly rebellious side to them! 

     After picking my sisters up from school, doing some last minute shopping and throwing the Christmas tree in my dad's truck as one last HURRAH, we started on our way to the dome. We ate some dinner and then unpacked. As I gave my sister a piggy back ride up and down the hallway, I almost cried; I didn't want her to leave me. And when they walked out the door, I watched her wipe tears from her face. I ran upstairs and right away got to working with my retreat leader nun for this weekends retreat. After my friends crashed the meeting, we left and just hung out, literally, talked and laughed.

     The next morning was my first morning back at Mass with all the sisters. Yep, I steady go to Mass every day with the sisters and pray with them. I think they may have been more excited for me to be back than I was. It was so great to be swarmed with hugs and HAPPY NEW YEAR GREETINGS! The readings were perfect vocation readings. Especially with Samuel and Eli! Eli was one who helped Samuel HEAR his CALL from the LORD! I seriously had my mind blown sitting in Mass. My thought processed to this: Oh My GOSH, I have so many Eli's in my life. Yes, it was a day where I realized there are SO MANY PEOPLE who have brought me to this vocation!

     We spent the day getting ready for retreat, shopping, crafting, visiting, etc. It was one of the most productive days ever. And we had so much fun doing it. We would casually split up in the stores and when everyone was ready, they would shout, "SISTER MOMMY!" Which just happens to be my new nickname. Sister for, well, obvious reasons. And Mommy because I take care of all my friends like they are my children. When they are sick, I take care of them. I cook for them. I make sure they have everything together. It just comes with being the oldest sibling, I guess. It comes naturally. 

      After moving my new roommate in, we made FAMILY dinner (TACOS) and decided on some FAMILY DINNER RULES. One of the rules is that if one of the "family" members can't cook, they must tell Becca what they want, go to the store with her, so she can tell you what to buy, you buy it and then let Becca teach you how to cook it! I call that success! Our family dinner lasted a little bit over four hours. It was a combination of eating, laughing, chatting, nun following, and simply being around each other. It was perfect. In the middle of our dinner, my work study nun (who lives four doors down. so convenient.) came to my room to see all of our retreat stuff and my mess of a room. Honestly, I'm so neat when it comes to my room but there was stuff everywhere because I had yet to unpack! Oops. But she admired the art on the walls. Ha ha!

      Anyway, the night was a long one as I caught up with more friends, especially my best friend and my other half. Bed time happened around 1:30 this morning and today started at 6:30. Yep, I'm back on the college schedule. NO SLEEP! And that's what naps are for! Mass in the morning, nap in the afternoon. Perfection. 

    Yes, I'm so glad to be back at school! I miss my sisters and my nuns but once the swing of things starts swinging, I'll be good to go til Spring Break. However, that doesn't mean I wouldn't mind surprise visits from certain sisters or a mailbox full of love! Bring on the prayers, sisters, friends and family!! And the love!! And I'll bake/cook for you when you come! You can meet all my family here!! 

Melt Away

    First off, happy vocations awareness week! Booyah!! VOCATIONS! Pray, pray, pray for ALL vocations! 

    Vocations awareness week for me, wouldn't be the same if I didn't spend AT LEAST one of the days with my AE, also known as the vocation director or better yet, one of my best creative friends. If the two of us are in a room together for more than a single five second block of time, brain neurons start firing in each of our brains to each other during which we come up with CRAZY ideas...like melting crayons. And so, today we decided to just casually melt some crayons into wicked cool art. Below are the results!! I have to admit, the blue one is my favorite. As we melted, I thought of all the therapy this exercise could offer. I thought that for the blues, its the melting away of sadness. For the reds, anger. Or, you could give meaning to every emotion we feel or pain, assign it a color and melt it away making beautiful art instead. Yep, sometime I'll do art and music therapy with my students in the classroom! 

    As the day stretched on, I ran down the stairs (er...rode the elevator) to the community room to dedecorate because tomorrow officially starts ORDINARY TIME!!!! It's been a tradition for about FOUR years now!! Holy Wonder and Awe; I feel old. And yet, it seems like so much longer. All I can say is, thank God I did my laundry over the weekend because, the day didn't end with Decorations. No, I picked up my sisters from school, and headed home to make dinner. My last home-cooked meal before going back to college. And oh was it DELICIOUS! Thank God for cooking talents!

    The night was still young and so, I headed over to my other frequently visited convent to say my "good-byes" to my sisters before I left. Yes, it was a perfect night and a foreshadowing again. As I lounged about with the sisters, talking to one about her classes, another about her student teaching, another about Cake Boss, I felt so perfectly at home. Yes, I worked on Student Teaching things already with one of My Polish nuns and it felt strangely accurate of what convent life will be like for me. Talking to a sister about one thing, talking to another sister about another thing all the while fixing the computer, brainstorming ideas and watching the latest episode of Cake Boss. It's like family; me and all my sisters just hanging out, not a care in the world.  It's my definition of perfection. Actually, no, it's not. If I had my PJ's on and my own room to go to sleep in, that WOULD have been perfection! NUN SLEEPOVER! It makes me so anxious for our CREW Retreat...where it's even more of a perfect glimpse into my future! Me and a house full of nuns! Love it!!

We're Greek Now....HOOPAH!

    Any sister will tell you that FAMILY plays a huge part in one's vocation. And I can tell you that my family, especially the extended part on my Dad's side. My dad, you see, grew up in the HOLIEST OF HOLIES family with eleven children: ten boys, one girl (my poor aunt). My grandmother, a very stubborn, IRISH woman, made EVERYONE pray the Rosary every night after supper and go to Mass every SUNDAY! Yeah, she rocks! Too bad, I never met her and I seriously wish I knew what she was like, if she'd support me in my vocation and such. But I guess she lives through her sons and daughter who openly support me! They have shaped me into the person I am today. 

    First things first, it's always an adventure when the Gutherman family gets together. Our adventurous day started with one too many persons than seats in our LARGE van. Someone had to sacrifice...and since I need to practice sacrificing, it was me. No, I didn't stay home. No, I didn't share a belt. No, I didn't ride in the trunk. And no, I didn't ride the roof racks. Instead, I merely sat on the floor. I know, dangerous. I just tend to live life on the risky side at times. Today was one of those times. 

     Anyway, we finally get to the farm, my absolute, all-time favorite house to visit. As a kid, there was so much room to run around and there was the tire swing. As an older kid, there is still so much room to run around and the tire swing is still there. I can't tell you HOW MANY BONES HAVE BEEN BROKEN ON THAT THING. Anyway, I love the smell of the farm, the look of the farm, the sounds of the farm. EVERYTHING ABOUT THE FARM. I just love it. We walked into the quiet little farm and it was very obvious we were the first cousins to arrive. However, as soon as we got there, all the other cousins started filing in and we started shouting HOOPAH for no reason. We aren't even Greek; we're German. Every uncle was picking up every cousin and hugging them and shaking them about. You had to go through a receiving line of family members before you could even get to the food. It was great!!!

     After we all prayed together, everyone ate, and kids ran around. I ate the most beautiful chili in the world, and then ran after my million little cousins. You see out of 27...28....29 cousins, I fall ninth in line. So everyone is littler than me...or shall I say, younger since I'm only five foot. I was pushing the tire swing, riding the tire swing, giving piggy back rides, feeding kids, playing manhunt, going barn exploring, you know, normal stuff for an older cousin. Some of my little cousins I haven't seen in years and others I saw just a few days ago. That's just how the family works. 

     As we played and took numerous pictures (check them out on my facebook), I once again imagined my life a few years down the road, visiting the family party, not with kids of my own, but with a veil and habit. I'd bring one of my kid loving nun friends and we would play all day with the kids. And Lord knows this is most likely VERY accurate. Even the little ones were joking today, Sister Becca, where's your veil? Too cute for words.

     Like I said, my family shaped my vocation, by openly supporting me as the FIRST NUN IN THE FAMILY (YAY!) and asking me for my story. It must be so weird to hear the part of my story where their name comes into play. We laugh about it and carry on the story. Today, I was telling my Aunt Angie a bit of the story and she told me that she was taught by the same sisters as I was in high school but in Chicago. She told me she spent every waking moment with them and really thought she wanted to be a nun. But she correctly discerned the vocation and somewhere along the way met my crazy Uncle Paul. And thank God she did, because she doesn't even know how much of a HUGE influence she is on my life and my vocation!! 

    Family is so important to me. Especially this family. I can't thank God enough for them because they have been more than I could ever ask for. It's the biggest support group out there for a girl like me. With 20 aunts and uncles, almost thirty cousins, and some second cousins, it's a crazy but functioning family who would do anything for me and I in return for them. I've been so blessed.

Do Whatever He Tells You....Nun-Tastic Day 6

     Back to the garage I went this morning after Mass. Yep, it was time to finish taking inventory. I emailed Sister late, late last night and when I didn't hear back, I texted her. Yep, these nuns (and most of the ones I know) email, text, tweet and Facebook like it's their jobs. I love it. So, we were all set to take inventory.
     I rang the doorbell as per the little sign on the door and was greeted by the same sister who answered the door last week. But then, another sister came bustling about. And low and behold, I knew who she was. But only from YouTube. You see she is part of the Sisters' Choir and is always on YouTube. But of course, I didn't say anything. Then my partner in crime for the day came to find me and we started on the inventory. For two straight hours we counted, documented, re-arranged and counted some more. It was a wonder I could even count straight after we finished FIVE bookshelves full. As soon as we finished (and it always happens like this), Sr. YouTube bustled me into the kitchen for lunch which she made. The four of us sat around the table and chatted, really chatted. For a WHOLE HOUR! About everything from my family, to my hobbies, to the sisters' past lives, to ministries, to school, to you name it, we talked about it. It was probably one of the most precious sit-downs for pizza, I've ever had. The sisters before letting me leave, each gave me a huge hug, thanked me for my help and promised prayers!
    The rest of the day was spent with my REAL sister de-decorating, baking and crafting. Oh and napping. I'm the type of person who never stops running, who engages in one thing right after the next. And today was a prime example. As soon as I got home, it was time to take down all the Christmas decorations from outside, and then take a nap. As my littlest sister will always be, she is a woman after my own heart. While I climbed into my snuggly warm bed, she crawled onto the staircase landing and started reading next to the bookshelf. Within five minutes, she was passed out, with her face in the book, sprawled about the landing. I had to laugh as I remembered so often doing that as a kid. It's the perfect spot.
    After dinner, we FINALLY made her brownies that she had been dying to bake. And then we FINALLY made her feast day cake. Her Feast Day was last week, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, but we had yet to make a cake. So, we made it and then she decided she wanted it to be blue for the Blessed Mother. So what did I do, I scoured the cabinets for blue food dye. THANK GOODNESS WE HAD SOME! And, so after they were all finally baked and laundry had been done, it was off to bed for that little one. But, as most little kids do, she stayed up way past her bedtime until I went to my room. Yep, she's my little sister, the protector and protectee, the baker, the crafter, the feaster and my soulmate, my best friend.

Thank God We're Friends With The Mother General....Nun-Tastic Day 5

     It was another day of being out and about, running errands and feeling like a grown-up. First, I headed to see my Boyfriend, like I do every morning, at Mass and have some quiet conversation with Him. In particular, we talked about the school closings. Side note: I wasn't worried about my own High School (Go PRIVATE education, woohoo) but about the schools in which my nuns teacher. But as JC and I chatted, He sent me a little prayer card that said, "Little Flower, help me hold onto the same hope you had and practice in your little way." It was perfect! And another side note: both my sisters' schools were fine; I don't think they could have handled another school change. Anyway, so JC and I had a nice visit and then it was off for the day. 

     First things first: morning coffee. YAY! And breakfast for Mom. Then it was a gathering of items I would need for the day: Christmas Presents, passport information, various checks and yadda yah, and of course, snacks. All of it was piled in the back seat of the car and then it was on to picking up my cousin. A little background on this relationship: my cousins, Kiersten, is probably my best friend. She stole my birthright by being pre-mature, she is a fashionista/hipster, and is super smart. She has been there for me for everything, from the first moment I told her I wanted to be a nun (I was five...and so was she) to now, when I need her to  help me run errands. 

     We first headed to RiteAid so I could get a passport picture done, and then we realized on our way to the post office that I look like I'm wearing the same outfit in both pictures. We just had to laugh. After paying for that parking violation ticket from yesterday, we went through with the passport stuff all so that I could head to Jamaica in July for some SUPER SERVICE PROJECTS!!! After that was a quick visit with the great Aunt Bunny (her real name's Mildred and she would kill me if she knew that information was now on the internet) then off to the mall. I have to admit, I'm not a big money spender, but I saw the PERFECT blue and white varsity sweater and I've been wearing it ever since. I think Mama G would be really proud. Of course, we had to go to Starbucks and get COFFEE (if I can't sleep tonight you'll know why!).

      Then, using my great skills, we made it to my little sister's school just on time for the bell. We waited outside for her and then decided that since my cousin went to the same school a million years ago, we would go visit. While she visited her old teachers, Little Lizzie Loulabel introduced me to the most precious nun I've ever met. She told me that she had been waiting and waiting to meet me because all Lizzie talks about is "Becky this and Becky that." Aww, how nice it is to the be the apple of my little one's eye. I felt so much better after talking with sister about how lizzie is doing in school. She told me she is taking special care of her....I guess just how the nuns did for me when I was little. Precious.

       One more stop was on the agenda for the Fifth Nun-Tastic day in a row; NIFTY FIFTIES FOR MILKSHAKES. It's always been a thing for me, but I've gradually introduced the nuns and my sisters to the beauty of milkshakes from that place. So, we met up with one of our closest sisters for a cute little date. Ever since we went to the Nun Wedding, Lizzie has been obsessed with the sisters' rings. And most times the sisters physically can't take off their rings to show her. Today was the exception. In her cute little innocence, she right away put it on her finger for a perfect and started showing it off. I keep thinking, oh my goodness this HAS to be illegal. But then, I just knew we had to take pictures because what if one day...oh, better not jinx it. All I'm saying is this; thank GOD we are all (Lizzie included) friends with the Mother General so we can't get in trouble for this ceremonious ring sharing. 

There's A First For Everything...A Not-So-Nun-Tastic Turned Nun-Tastic Day 4

    They always say there's a first for everything. And so, today was a day of firsts. Finally seeing my friends from school over break was a date long over-due. We decided that since we all live relatively close to the city (some of us even IN the city), we would all take our respectable train to the 30th Street Station and meet there. Then we would all hike to the Art Museum and spend the day. That WAS the plan until my Daddy told me it would be cheaper to drive down and warmer. Oh gee. Well, with 14 degree weather, we decided that I would pick everyone up at the station. YAY GO ME! 

    And so, it was the FIRST time I've ever driven into the city for an adventure by myself without my dad and without the GPS. I was so proud that I knew exactly where I was going. It was also the FIRST time I've ever gone to the station NOT on a TRAIN! When I picked up my friends, they all came running to the BRIGHT RED MOM VAN and climbed in, climbing nearly on top of me just to say HI! Finally, we pulled away and headed towards the Art Museum. Deciding that we were all poor college students, we decided to park in the FREE TWO HOUR PARKING (this is CRUCIAL information here, people). We headed into the art museum and it was BEAUTIFUL. Another first: actually going into the Art Museum, not playing Rocky outside. 

    Art is one of the most therapeutic things for (in addition to music) and so, I absolutely loved walking through the hundreds of paintings. However, I must say, I enjoy making art more than gazing at it. My favorite part was the European Art with the MANY, MANY, MANY faces of Mary and Jesus (my main peeps). That was also where we found the nuns. No joke, I happened to turn around and there were two sisters with their backs to us. Convinced that everywhere I go, I find someone I know, I walked closer and low and behold, I knew the nuns. SHOCKER! I went right over and said hello, only for everyone else to find that they knew them, too. They were two sisters from our University! Yep, another first. 

    After the Art Museum, we headed down the Parkway to Reading Terminal Market for lunch. If you haven't been there, you HAVE to go. Actually being IN the Market wasn't a first for me, but eating there was. Yep, of the hundred million times I've been in that place, I never actually ate anything from there. So, we all sat down at the diner. At this point, I was getting a bit nervous about that two hour parking deal, but remembering that there were a huge amount of open spacers and I most likely wouldn't get a ticket, I calmed down. We took our time walking back, especially me with my bum knee. We finally decided enough was enough and went back to the car only to find....ANOTHER FIRST. Yep, you got it...a parking violation ticket. The whole idea of driving being cheaper turned a whole lot more expensive when I opened that envelope. Thankfully, it wasn't too hefty, and it was a nice little surprise for taking a risk. But I guess you can say, me and my friends learned our lesson of trying to defeat the power of time. And hey, you only live once so you might as well just live it up. 

    Don't worry, I paid the ticket in full according to the law with a money order and viola. No more parking violation. Next time, I'll just find a meter!!

A Dream Coming True...Not So Nun-Tastic Day 3

     Ok, so no nuns today. Originally I was planning on having lots of nun time today, but since both had to do with being outside, I cancelled for fear that it was too cold. Seriously, a whooping 18 degrees. Success, January, you have frozen me out already. But there were some super positives today!
     First, remember my blog from Sunday about how I saw myself ten, twenty, thirty years down the road running a Sunday School in Habit? Well, those "years" down the road got shortened to a few months. Granted, there won't be a habit, but the Sunday School idea is coming into fruition. YAY! So here's what happened. Kneeling during Mass today, I suddenly got inspired. Since our grade school shut down, our pastor's biggest fear was that the kids and their families would start going to the parishes of the schools they now attended instead of still going home to our home parish. We established a pretty sizable Youth Group over the fall months and so, I thought, a Sunday School is the perfect idea for the little ones to come back or stay back. So, right after Mass, I hung around waiting for our Pastor so I could give him my idea. But before I could even say something he says, "Bec, whenever you feel inspired, even when you're at school, just call me up and give your ideas to me." Ironically, I told him, I felt inspired today. And then I laid it on him, telling him the story from Sunday with all the little kiddies. And his answer was, "Well, Sister, get your Sunday School started in June." I just had to laugh because he knows how much I LOVE to take charge and get things done and whenever I have my game face on, he calls me Sister. And just as I laughed, those dreams for my life came back into view.
    After my chat with the Padre, I headed to the offices to chat it up with one of my favorite secretaries. During our conversation, I told her about our plans for the Sunday School/Children's Liturgy and she looked right back at me, very serious and said, "You're a go-getter girl. One day, you'll be the Mother General of whatever community you join." Blown away, I said, "I hope not. Those are big shoes to fill."
    To end the night of the not so nun-tastic day 3, I leave you with this statement: which regular college student who just happens to be a "potential" vocation, gets comments on facebook liked by a Mother General? Yep, this girl right here. And yet, we're not even Facebook friends. My life...watched 24/7 by the nuns :)

Sisterly Sacrifice...Nun-Tastic Day 2

     When you ask certain people what their meaning of sacrifice is, you will most likely get mixed answers. For some, sacrifice is merely giving up mustard on their sandwich so that someone else can have the last squeeze, but for others it's giving up half a sandwich for the other homeless guy sitting next to him. The same goes for when you pose a certain question to people asking them if it's a sacrifice. Like if you ask a normal college student who is on Christmas break if getting up at 6 am is a sacrifice, they will most likely say YES and don't do wake me up til after 12. But for me, I really don't think twice about it. Now see, right now, most of you reading are thinking I'm talking about getting up early for Mass. Well, wrong. Usually, at home, going to daily Mass means sleeping in til 8:45. So WHY was I up at 6 am? To begin the saga of the missing school shoe. That's right, I was looking for my little sister's school shoe. LOOOOOOOOOONG story short: on her last day of school before break, she got changed in the car and left her shoes there. They didn't leave the car until I decided to clean it out. However, in cleaning the car out only one shoe made it in the house. And so, this morning, at the crack of dawn (literally), I was on my hands and knees, scouring the car for the lost shoe. And when I finally found it, I placed it with my sister's uniform and said nothing about it. My sister said nothing about it, either. And yet, while some might get really upset at the fact that their sister even woke them up, much less have to LOOK for the shoe and THEN, to get no thanks in return? Psh, the nerve. But really, that whole fiasco was something that, as the oldest, I was supposed to do. And in my family, especially, many might call the numerous things I do, sacrifices. But for me, that's daily life. And it's not a sacrifice at all. So, after the saga took place, I got to thinking (in the hour that I still had before actually having to do anything), what do I consider sacrifices? And today's nun-tastic adventure has plenty of examples.
     First things first. After Mass, I headed straight to a volunteer job I randomly picked up at the request of a friend. The volunteer job seemed easy enough; taking inventory in the book store. It seemed that way until I got there. First, it didn't look like a convent at all. Then I came to learn that the book store got sold because the community couldn't afford it anymore so it was now in their garage. THEN, I came to learn that their little tiny teeny chapel is in their basement. As I learned, I took it all in and thought about the sacrifices these sisters made. Finally, we headed to take inventory...in the garage. I might add that today was the coldest day this winter so far and the garage is outside. Luckily, the sisters have been blessed with semi warm winter weather (alliteration!!) but today and tomorrow, when the one able-bodied sister solely will be working on the inventory are the coldest. NOW THAT, my dear, is sacrifice. Braving the frigid, winter, air just to count so that the community can have an income. Sacrifice.
    Secondly, I headed to one of my favorite shrines inbetween nun hopping today: Katharine Drexel. She was my first saint influence and visiting her shrine always, always makes me feel secure in my vocation. I love to look into the display case of her habit, the real one she wore, and find myself in it. We were the same five foot, you know. I look at her shoes and see my feet in them and then I see her ring, the same size as my finger. So many imagine her as tall and strong and mighty, but I know, she was petite, and humble, and gentle. She made so many sacrifices for her sisters, especially for her own personal self. The shoes she wore, she hand sewed every time the leather teared. They were her only pair of shoes her whole convent life. And her pencils; used to the very stub. She is my perfect sacrificing model.
     Thirdly, I went back to visit my High School nuns who just continually sacrifice their time for me. I'm telling you that those sisters are the busiest people I've met and yet, they barely stress out and always give me the time of day. Tonight was yet another saga of finding my nun in the school, actually my nun to sit down, planning a trip to the pet store, actually finding the pet store, buying a fish tank heater, installing said fish tank heater, learning how to hang bird feeders in trees from windows with a stick (oi), planning crayon melting art days with my AE, dropping office book insides all over Chapel, eating supper, watching the news, reading People magazine, complaining about school AND finally walking to the car in the FRIGID AIR. Yep, this woman made an awful amount of sacrifices for me today. And that's how I know I'm family. By sacrifice.
     I mean, I "sacrifice" for my sister at 6 am, the sister from the book store sacrificed for her sisters, Katharine Drexel sacrificed for her sisters, and my nun, sacrificed for me, her sister. I guess that's the common theme of the day: Sisterly Sacrifice.

There Should Be Group Therapy For That...Day One of a Nun-Tastic Week

   Day One of a Nun-Tastic Week: Zoo with the Fam-Squad, my best friend and one of my many sisters; Movie date to watch Warhorse with formerly stated, sister/nun.

   Two weeks ago, I asked one of the first sisters I ever got close with, to save the date, January 2, for me. At the moment I didn't know I'd have to share her with my family. Sometimes, when I invite the sisters with us, it was either A. my dad's idea because he loves them more than me or B. my dad/sisters talk more to the sisters because he/they love them more than me. Actually, I'm my Daddy's favorite, so there is no question about him loving anyone more than me, but in all fairness, my dad loves the sisters almost as much as I do. (And my dad really doesn't play favorites). It's a common joke in my family, however, that my Dad will love me more when I am a sister because there's something he just loves so much about religious life. And so, he loves when the sisters come hang out with us.

    Today, we went to the zoo. It's one of my favorite places to take pictures (it's a hobby of mine) because of how animate the animals always are for me. Not to mention we spend an awful lot of time there, so the animals pretty much recognize me as the friendly face. Not a single member of my family, though, appreciates the love I have for the photogenic animals. I'm always being left behind at the exhibit, taking pictures of my favorite animals. But today was different. My partner in crime, one of my sisters, since it was her first time at the zoo, stood by me and even stole my camera a few times just to take the pictures of the most beautiful creatures on the earth. We stood there, took photographs, talked to the animals and the people around us, and enjoyed every moment of the zoo. It was the longest and coldest visit we ever had at the zoo, but also the best visit. I wouldn't trade in any other visit for this one. 

    Later in the night, my middle sister asked for a ride to the movies, so instead of going awkwardly with her and her friend, as she would have called it, Sister joined me for a date. Really, I don't like the movie theater, but I really wanted to see Warhorse. My sister wanted to see We Bought A Zoo (as if she didn't have enough zoo for one day). So we split. And let me tell you, I wouldn't want to watch that movie with anyone but my religious sisters because I cried like a blubbering idiot, gasped at every part, covered my eyes during the war scenes, swooned over the heroic parts, and held on during parts of suspense. The two of us were a mess and yet, I know, my friends from school would have made fun of me, my family would have done the same, but my sisters, they know. They know and understand that a girl loves her animals. And that she really feels things in her heart. Yep, it was perfect. 

    And so ended the first day of a nun-tastic week. 

Mary, The Holiest, Highest Mama of JC

     "And these things, she pondered in her heart."

     When I was younger, I never really had a relationship with Mary, the Blessed Mother. It may have been because I never had a good relationship with my own mother, but regardless, I didn't know Mary. Yet, as I grew, especially my Senior year of High School and my Freshmen year in College and NOW, Mary has become one of my closest friends. It all started when I fell in love with the Magnificat; when I heard it with truly open ears. "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord." As I grew with Mary, all of her words spoken in Scripture echoed so greatly in my heart. When I started singing at Masses, my favorite days to sing were Mary days because I got to sing the Magnificat and the Ave Maria. Whenever I sang them, I never felt like I myself sung them, but really Mary through my voice. This morning, I sported my blue and white for the Holiest Mother of God and was surprised to hear my sister, Mary, singing my favorite hymns. It was as if God, Himself, chose them just for me. 

     Now, not only did God handpick those songs for me to sing and listen to at Mass, but He also sent my favorite little parishioners. When I was in High School, on my days off, I would go to my grade school to be a lunch aide. They called them, "Lunch Mothers," but the little girls, who possessed much more rationale, told me I wasn't a mother and referred to me as, "Lunch Sister." I loved it, of course. I would spend all of recess playing games with the kids and whenever we would all be at Mass together, I would have a fan club. Some of the kids would sit with me, while others would simply attack me with love and hugs after Mass. It was perfect. To this day, there are still some of the kids who sit with me, three years later. They don't even ask me if they can sit with me anymore, they just leave their parents and slide into my pew, open their books and pray. It is quite possibly the most precious thing I have ever witnessed. 

    Today, two of the little girls from that group of students slid into my pew with my littlest sister. My littlest sister and I have the tradition to pray Morning Prayer together before every Sunday Mass and even though we were in the middle of praying, my sister invited the little ones to pray with us. We sat there, reading the Psalms and prayers and Canticles. Although they were trying to whisper, their voices could be heard throughout the whole church. Some other parishioners couldn't figure it out and turned to look, but others knew right away that it was Becky, with the kids. 

    You see, I've always been surrounded by little kids because I'm so childlike myself. The little ones offer me so much simplicity and honesty while I offer them a fun playtime. In my family, I'm the goofy, older cousin that is more often seen chasing the little ones than sitting at a table engaging in adult conversation. I'm the one everyone calls up to babysit and I'm the one who should really be running a Sunday School program with all the little ones. Little kids flock to me, and cling to me like a magnet. And so many have told me that because of this, I would make such a great mother one day. I simply would smile and nod, knowing that God has other plans for me. It's not as if I haven't thought about it; I have, many times. I know I would make a great mama, just like Mary did for Jesus, and I simply love little kids. But, as I sat, surrounded by all the the little ones, I had an of me, in a habit, a few years down the line, sitting in a church, surrounded my children. 

     With a major in Secondary Ed, I'm not sure I would be teaching little kids. But maybe on Sundays, if my Superior lets me, I could teach Sunday School; a dream I've always had. Surrounded by the little kids, reading the Bible. Or maybe those little kids in church, will the ones from my Parish, who automatically leave their parents and sit with me in my pew on Sundays.